Author's Note: Just kidding. Funeral is in the next chapter. Had more things I wanted to cover.
Chapter Notes: Full House briefly mentions Danny's dad in the first episode, but I can't find anything on what his actual name is. Also, his mom in my head is the actress from the first episode, but feel free to picture Doris Roberts instead. It all depends on who your favorite Granny Tanny is. I also picture Irene as she appeared in the majority of the show, as portrayed by Yvonne Wilder.
Irene leaned against the kitchen counter, holding her third cup of coffee in her hands and taking advantage of an opportunity to mull over the last few hours. She hadn't yet told Danny that she'd taken responsibility for calling the news station informing them of what happened. The station manager had of course been completely understanding, had offered condolences, and had even asked for the details of the service. Irene told him she would call back when she had the details. She'd also called Mrs. Gibbler earlier that morning, unbeknownst to DJ, and quickly filled Kimmy's mom in on the situation as well; the last thing she wanted was the added variable of Kimmy showing up at the house while everything was already so chaotic.
It was mid-May, but Irene still shivered a little all the same, warming her hands on her mug. It was true that she had been keeping the girls busy to keep their minds off of things and to maintain what little sense of normalcy that she could. But Irene had been doing that for herself as well. And now that Michelle was down for a nap and the older girls were upstairs...
Nick had gone home to shower and change before going to the airport. Joey had been handed a list of names and phone numbers and had planted himself on the couch with the phone and a cup of coffee to make the necessary calls. And Danny and Jesse...oh how her heart ached at the thought of them at the funeral home, making arrangements for her daughter's...
Funeral.
There, she thought. I've thought the word. But I won't say it out loud. Not yet. She listened intently for any sounds of the baby crying or the girls fighting, but all she heard was their muffled footsteps upstairs, Joey's voice floating into the kitchen from the other room, and the tick tick tick of the kitchen clock.
Nick shifted his feet, impatiently waiting for the sight of Claire and Edgar Tanner amongst all the other people deplaning at the gate. He hadn't seen his in-laws since Christmas, and this was not the way he thought it would go the next time they saw each other. Standing still and waiting meant he was still and when he was still it gave his mind time to think. Nick did not want to think right now. An idle mind meant thinking of his daughter and he was not ready to face that pain. Volunteering to pick up the Tanners meant not being in that house for a while and it gave him something to do.
He finally spotted Claire's tall frame and blonde hair, and Edgar's nearly bald head trailing behind her. He raised his hand in greeting and even managed a half smile as they approached. He and Edgar gripped each other's hands tightly, and he and Claire embraced. Claire put her hand on his arm and said, "Nick, oh my God, I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. I can't even imagine what - " but cut herself off, shaking her head. Nick nodded, managing to keep the lump in his throat at bay. "Thank you, Claire. And thank you both for getting here so soon." He gestured for them to walk towards baggage claim.
"Nick, how is Danny? And how are the girls?" Claire asked as they began to walk. Nick sighed heavily, running his hand through his hair again. "Honestly, Claire, everyone is still in shock. Danny has cried...and I mean, all of us have, but it's not really...real yet, you know?" They walked in silence for another minute before Nick added, "when I left, Danny and Jesse were going to the funeral home to finish the arrangements and Irene was taking care of the girls. Joey Gladstone was there making more phone calls...Danny called us just after midnight and we rushed right over and had been there ever since..." he trailed off, unsure of what else to say. Claire was nodding along.
The drive back to the house was quiet. Nick could tell that Claire and Edgar wanted to ask more questions but kept a respectful silence aside from a few polite comments as they drove through San Francisco. They pulled up to the house and Nick noticed that Danny and Jesse must have been back because the driveway was full.
The elder Tanners' entrance was another eventful one. Claire dropped to her knees as D.J. and Stephanie ran towards her. "My angels!" Claire exclaimed as she peppered both girls with kisses and hugged them tightly. Danny came down the stairs with a freshly changed Michelle, who was happily handed into Edgar's waiting arms as Claire grabbed her son in a tight hug, which Danny returned gladly. Claire released her hug but took her son's hand and led him to the nook so she could talk to him in semi-private. She looked up at her son as Danny tried to meet her gaze. She could see that he was freshly shaven but the lines around his eyes didn't lie; nor did the way his jaw muscles seemed to be permanently clenched. The grief and exhaustion in him was plain to be seen. She took his other hand so that he had to fully face her.
"Danny," she said gently. "My boy. I'm so sorry, son. I know how much you loved her." He nodded dumbly, blinking rapidly, trying to force himself not to cry yet again. "I'm sorry, Danny," she said again, and this time he nodded and squeezed her hands. "Thanks, Mom," he said softly. "Thanks for getting here so soon," he added. "Well as soon as I hung up with Irene, I woke up your father and we started packing. I called the airport every ten minutes until I got an airline that had agents available..." He nodded some more as she trailed off. He squeezed her hands again, and, keeping his right hand in her left, walked back to the group still milling around the living room.
Danny called a family meeting, and everyone found a spot in the living room: the couch, the chair, the hearth, the floor, or leaning against the mantle or back of the couch. He drew a long, shuddering breath, briefly closing his eyes to center himself. He looked around at his family and opened his mouth to talk about the plans for the viewing and the funeral, to make some great statement about his wife...and found he couldn't get the words out. So, he stood there awkwardly for a moment as the family's collective brows furrowed. Jesse stepped forward, putting his hand on Danny' shoulder and facing the group.
"Okay, everyone," Jesse began. "I know this has been a hard day for all of us, and I hate to say it, but it's going to get harder. The next few days and weeks will probably be some of the hardest of our lives, but..." and here Jesse also took a deep breath and squeezed Danny's shoulder. "We are going to stick together, we will get through this together, and we will honor Pam's memory together. We are still a family. Everybody got that?" A sea of teary and tired eyes looked back at him, nodding heads bobbing in agreement. Jesse heard Danny take a breath sharply, as if preparing to say something. Danny finally managed to draw up the strength to speak to his gathered family.
"Jesse's right," Danny began, though his voice was rough with exhaustion and grief. "We are a family. And I... I want to thank everyone for all of their help today..." he paused, realizing it hadn't even been 24 hours since this all began. "And Mom and Dad, for flying down, Nick and Irene for getting here so quickly..." he trailed off again. Somewhere in the back of his mind he realized he'd been awake for around 30 hours and there was still so much to do.
He rubbed the back of his head and continued, "We still need to plan the order of the service, decide who will be speaking, hire a car and driver for tomorrow..." Danny moved his hand from rubbing his head to rubbing his eyes. He couldn't think, couldn't remember the last time he had eaten or even had a glass of water. Jesse, still standing next to his brother-in-law, wrapped his arm around Danny's back for support, as Irene spoke up.
"Danny," she said gently from her spot on the couch, Stephanie in her lap. "Danny, that can wait a few hours. You need to rest."
Danny hesitated. It's true that he had managed being in his bedroom earlier, but that was only to shower and change and he'd been able to do that quickly enough without really thinking about what was in that room with him:
Pam's clothes. Her jewelry, her shoes, her perfume, her makeup. Memories of them together: nights of passion, nights when D.J. had colic, or when Stephanie crawled into bed with them. The night they had laid in bed discussing what they each wanted the other to do in case something should happen to one of them...
Pam looked more serious than he had ever seen. She sat up in bed, knees drawn up to her chest, hands resting on her knees, head on her hands, looking at him lying beside her. He gazed up at her, admiring her. Even in a nursing top and sweatpants, he thought she was radiant. He smiled up at her, and she gave him a small smile back. But she had that faraway look in her eyes that he knew all too well. He tapped her leg with his finger.
"Hey, you. Whatcha thinking about?" he asked, his tone light.
Pam glanced over at Michelle - sound asleep in the bassinet...for now. She decided it was now or never; who knew how long the baby would stay asleep? Pam shifted a little so she was lying on her side facing her husband. She reached out and took his hand gently, gently tracing his fingers with hers. Before he could misinterpret the gesture, she took a deep breath and began the conversation she'd been playing over and over in her mind for the last two weeks, since Michelle was born.
"Danny, I've been thinking about some things..."
"Oh?" he asked, kissing the back of her hand lightly, his brows slightly furrowed.
"Yes. Danny...we need to talk about..." she sighed abruptly. She'd played this over and over again and if she didn't get it out now...part of her thought they had all the time in the world. But on the other hand...
"Danny...I need you to promise me something."
His brows furrowed deeper. "Yeah, Pam, of course, anything!"
"Promise me that if I die, if something happens to me, that you will try to find love again. That you'll find someone who loves you the way I do, and who loves our girls. I want you to be happy, please don't..."
Here Danny cut her off, pushing himself up onto one elbow. "Pam, you're scaring me! Where is this coming from? Did something happen at the doctor that you're not telling me? Is..." He swallowed, looking her over. "Is something wrong?" She was shaking her head as he said it.
"No, Danny I just... we have the three most wonderful daughters in the whole world, and if something ever happened to one of us, I just...I'd just rather go ahead and have this conversation. Nothing is wrong, my love, my postpartum checkup was just fine. I... it's very important that we talk about this." She tried to smile reassuringly at him, as she noticed the more deeply furrowed brows and frowning lips of her husband. He looked into her eyes, blinking rapidly.
"Well, alright," he acquiesced. "I suppose...I suppose that if something did happen to me then..." he sighed. "Then I wouldn't want you to be alone. I would want you to be happy, and I would want our girls to have a father figure in their lives." He glanced at her with a twinkle in his eye and an almost impish smile on his lips. "After an appropriate grieving period, of course." He chuckled lightly at the joke, but Pam only gave him a half smile in acknowledgement.
"Danny, understand that I am planning on being around for a long time. We have so much to look forward to! Michelle's first steps, their first dates, learning to drive, proms...weddings...grandchildren..." and here she gave him her signature sly smile, as his eyebrows raised.
"Whoa, hey," he said, laughing again and putting his hands up. "I don't know if I'm ready for all of that just yet!" He kissed her on the forehead. "But...now that I think about it... Pamela Tanner, I cannot wait to grow old with you, and experience those things with you. Especially the proms and weddings." He settled his arms around her again. "We are going to have many, many happy years together." He kissed her again and they fell into a comfortable silence for another minute or two before Pam's face became serious and pensive again. She felt like the issue wasn't quite resolved yet...
"Oh, Danny, I am so looking forward to a life of love and memories with you...but...I meant what I said. If something ever happens to me, I want you to try and find happiness again. Find love again. Don't be alone, don't shut yourself down. I just..." and Danny was startled to see a tear make its way down her cheek. Pam was trying to stifle tears, but they came, unbidden. Soon she was wracked with sobs, and Danny drew her close to him, holding her tightly. Concern and fear started to make their grip in his chest; Pam was a generally happy and carefree person and he wasn't used to seeing her upset like this. He heard a muffled sound and relaxed his arms slightly so she could prop herself up and look into his eyes.
"Danny, I just can't stand the thought of you alone, trying to raise our girls alone, without me, without help..." To his surprise, he felt a tear roll down his own cheek at the same thing: the thought of her losing him, trying to be supermom and raise three kids on her own...
He reached over and grabbed a Kleenex off their bedside table, dabbing her cheeks with it and then his own. "Pamela, sweetheart, you don't have to worry about that. Even if something did happen, there's my mom, and your mom...but I'm not going to worry about it, now. Hopefully we have many, many years before we lose one another." He held up a hand. "Picture it: you and me, old and gray, sitting on rocking chairs watching our grandkids play in the yard, wearing our pants up to our armpits..."
She laughed and slapped him on the chest playfully. "Oh, Danny, I'm sure you're right. I don't know why, but it was suddenly very important to me that we had this conversation."
He nodded thoughtfully. "You know, I'm glad we did. Just in case." She smiled and leaned forward to kiss him, and just as their lips met, Michelle started to wail.
Pam laughed. "Every time!" She said as she sat up to go attend to the baby. Danny smiled softly as he watched her and felt himself start to drift off to sleep.
Danny felt someone rubbing his back urgently. He felt disembodied, like he wasn't really experiencing what his brain said he was.
"Dan? Danny? You okay?"
He blinked. At some point he had sat down, and D.J. was rubbing his back as his mother crouched in front of him. "Son? Are you okay? You had us worried for a few minutes. You sort of...checked out."
His eyes finally focused on his concerned family all staring at him. He rubbed his eyes and stood up.
"You know...Irene you were right. This can all wait. I'm...I'm just exhausted. I can't think straight, I..." he trailed off.
Nick handed him Michelle as Irene said, "go take a nap, and take the baby with you. She's all ready for a nap too."
As Danny took her, he wrinkled his nose. "seems like she's ready for a new diaper too!" Everyone smiled a little at that and watched him trudge up the stairs with a happy - but wet - baby.
Danny changed her and almost sat in her rocking chair but paused. Grabbing her blankie, he decided to take her to his room instead. He laid the baby on the bed (remembering when he had helped Pam make the bed just yesterday morning) and took off his shoes. Turning down the covers, he laid the baby in the middle and then laid down on "his" side of the bed. She twisted her head back and forth, as if she were looking for someone, and finally began to sleepily gum on her blankie as he rubbed her stomach gently, humming a little as she started to drift off to sleep.
He tried to close his eyes, but every time he did, all he saw was Pam's face. He could hear her voice - I'm just picking up the basics, I'll be back soon - and worse, he could smell her scent here in their bed. He remembered reading something about smell being the sense most tied closely to memory, and indeed his mind's eye was filled with memories of her. He glanced around the room and saw her everywhere; he turned back to face Michelle and saw Pam in her face. As Michelle drifted off into a peaceful slumber, Danny squeezed his eyes shut and cried himself to sleep.
With the addition of Claire and Edgar, Nick and Irene opted to go home for a few hours to get some sleep and agreed they would be back over later to help with dinner and the planning for Pam's service. Claire and Edgar borrowed Danny's car to go check into the hotel, promising to be back as soon as they had dropped their luggage. Joey was loath to go home, so he offered to play checkers with Stephanie. And Jesse...as tired as he was, Jesse was also reluctant to go home. He mindlessly and slowly paced the living room, watching the checkers game from afar. Stephanie was clutching Mr. Bear in one arm, her tongue sticking out a little as she planned her move, and Jesse couldn't help but smile a little at the scene. Stephanie seemed to be alright, today anyway, but D.J...
Where is D.J.? He thought to himself and began to meander around the house looking for her. After checking the kitchen and the backyard, he decided to head upstairs. Passing Michelle's room, he thought he'd take a peek at her to see if his youngest niece was asleep...not that he'd change a diaper if she wasn't, but still. He slowly opened the door...and found himself staring at an empty crib. That's strange, he thought. Where is she? Jesse didn't know much about babies, but he didn't think she could escape her crib just yet. And she surely couldn't open the door.
He stepped back into the hallway and immediately bumped straight into D.J.!
"Deej!" He exclaimed. "There you are! You scared me! Where did you come from?" She fidgeted and played with her hair before answering. "I was looking for Michelle. I wanted to check on her."
Jesse nodded. "Oh yeah, I had the same idea. But she's not in her crib..." D.J. nodded. "Yeah. She's in Mom and Dad's room, asleep with Dad." She made a "come here" signal with her hand, and together they slowly opened the door to peek inside the master bedroom, and Jesse was relieved to see a soundly sleeping Michelle and Danny. Together, they quietly shut the door, and Jesse put his arm around D.J.'s shoulders, guiding her to her bedroom.
"Come on, Deej," he said. "Let's talk." They went to her room and sat on her bed. D.J. sat and stared at her hands. Jesse nudged her playfully.
"Come on, kid. Talk to me."
D.J. sighed. "Uncle Jesse...I..." she paused. He nudged her again encouragingly.
"It's ok, D.J. You can tell me."
"It's just that...this morning, when I woke up and came downstairs, and Grandma and Grandpa were here, and Dad was crying, and told us that Mom is...dead... it was all so real, and scary, and it was like I was angry and sad all at once. And now..." she trailed off and picked at a thread on her jeans.
"And now, it feels like it's all a dream, doesn't it?" Jesse inquired. "Like it wasn't even real at all?" D.J. nodded. "I keep waiting for Mom to come home and say sorry for taking so long, and to tell us all to put our smiles on." Jesse put his arm around her, pulling her close, and after a few seconds Jesse heard sniffling. He hugged her tighter, resting his cheek on top of her head. "It feels real now, Uncle Jesse. It's real, and I just don't know what to do!"
Jesse felt a tear escape his eye and roll down his cheek to settle in D.J.'s hair. "I know, Deej. I know exactly how you feel." And they sat like that together, D.J. and Jesse hugging each other for a little while, drawing comfort and strength from each other.
The rest of the day moved along slowly. A few more phone calls needed to be made but everyone wanted to wait for Danny to wake up before those calls were done. Claire had come in to find Joey playing cards with D.J. and Stephanie, and Jesse sitting on the couch asleep, but was surprised not to see Danny or Michelle. They had been gone about two hours.
"Joey, you haven't seen Danny come down? Or heard Michelle?" Joey picked up the baby monitor and guiltily realized it had been turned off at some point. "Oh, gee, Claire, I'm sorry, I -" D.J. cut him off.
"Gramma, Michelle is asleep with Dad in his bed. If she'd woken up, I think he would have heard it." Claire softened immediately. "Oh. Oh, I didn't realize that. Maybe I should go check on them..." she headed upstairs as Irene and Nick came in the front door. Irene observed her son snoring softly on the sofa, head thrown back and all.
"Awww, Nick, look at our son. Sleeping like a baby." Nick snorted. "yeah, just as you should be, Irene."
Irene gave him a look. "You too, Nick." They had both tried to lie down but as tired as they were they had been unable to do more than a small cat nap, so they observed their son with a small amount of jealousy. Irene sat down next to her son as Nick and Edgar headed to the kitchen to talk. Stephanie noticed her grandmother just sitting and staring at her son, so Stephanie asked, "what are you doing, Grandma?"
Irene smiled at Stephanie. "Just looking at my son and admiring how peaceful he looks. But I'm also debating about whether or not I should wake him up. What do you think?" Stephanie looked at her uncle thoughtfully. His head was lolled back against the back of the couch and his normally perfect hair was mussed. He was still wearing the clothes he had worn when he rode in from Vegas: the only one of them who hadn't had a shower and fresh clothes. Stephanie wrinkled her nose.
"Grandma, I think Uncle Jesse needs a bath and jammies."
Irene laughed out loud. "I think you're right, Steph." She shook her son's shoulder gently. "Jess. Jesse, honey...wake up..."
He groaned and didn't open his eyes. "Awww Maaaa c'mon, five more minutes." Irene chuckled and shook him again a little more forcefully. Jesse blearily opened his eyes, blinking at his mother, an annoyed expression on his face. "Wha..."
"Jesse. Go home and get some rest. Danny's still asleep, the grandparents are back...go home." Jesse started to protest but stopped when he saw the look on his mother's face. He nodded his assent and slowly got up, stretching his stiff joints and muscles.
"Okay, Ma," he said, leaning down and giving her a kiss on the cheek and doing the same to Stephanie. "Okay."
Claire looked in on her son and infant granddaughter, carefully so as not to wake anyone up. She needn't have worried: Michelle was awake and happily gurgling as she waved her hands in the air, looking around the room and over at her sleeping father. Danny was sound asleep, but as she approached him, Claire noticed the dampness on his pillow. She sighed heavily as she sat on the bed next to him, softly placing her hand on his head, smoothing his dark hair. She didn't even see any gray hairs tucked away in there.
Imagine, she thought. Imagine being 29, not even a gray hair on your head, and losing your wife. She looked over at Michelle and couldn't help but smile at the baby, who was amusing herself by waving her arms around and looking at sunbeams on the ceiling. What does her future hold now? Claire wondered. Looking back down at her son, who was starting to stir, she resolved to have a conversation with him in a few days once the funeral was over and the "new normal" began. He would need help, especially these first few months. But it can wait a few days, she reminded herself.
She eased off the bed and scooped up the baby, eyeing Danny. She hadn't gone upstairs with the intention of waking him, and as she backed towards the door, she saw him settle back down into a deeper slumber again.
My son. She thought. My poor son.
She quietly shut the door, taking the baby downstairs with her.
Danny woke up only a few minutes later, surprised that he'd had a dreamless sleep. He was sure he'd be tortured with images of her floating in front of him the way he was while awake, but his sleep had thankfully been deep and peaceful. He'd almost forgotten the horror of the last 18 hours or so, until he came to full wakefulness. His eyes felt tired and swollen despite his sleep and his headache hadn't abated much.
He suddenly realized Michelle wasn't in the bed with him and in a panic, he got up and ran to the other side of the bed, thinking maybe she'd rolled off. Don't be silly, he thought. She'd have cried or something... but he checked all the same. He opened the bedroom door and could hear the sounds of his parents and in-laws and daughters and best friend all talking together and thought one of them must have come to get Michelle. He took a deep breath, shut the bedroom door behind him, and headed downstairs to see his family.
Family. He thought. What would the family look like now without Pam?
Chapter End Notes: Funeral is next chapter. I really wanted to address the conversation Danny said he and Pam had about what to do if one of them died. You ever have an idea so pervasive that you HAVE to write it out before you can get anything else done? ;)