Harry closed the door to the top of the Astronomy tower behind him; it was past curfew, but Harry had planned this trip to minimize his chances of being caught. He was still under the cover of his Invisibility Cloak, and he'd brought the Marauder's Map. Because it was December in Scotland, he'd also come prepared in clothes heavily covered with Warming Charms.

After examining the map and ensuring that there was no one anywhere near the tower, Harry wiped the map and slid it into his pocket. Then he pulled off the Invisibility Cloak and carefully folded it into a pillow. He set it down on the floor of the tower and stretched out so he had his head on the cloak and his eyes on the stars.

Automatically, his eyes sought out Sirius, the Dog Star. It had been a long time since he'd had a chance to come up here and do this. In the days and weeks immediately following Voldemort and Dumbledore's deaths, Harry had been under intense scrutiny that had prevented him from slipping off alone.

The press had been banned from Hogwarts' grounds, but that hadn't stopped them from reporting what they wanted about the events surrounding the deaths and about Harry's involvement with them.

So alone time to just think had been hard to come by. And Harry had needed it– and needed it badly. Harry had lost Dumbledore and Lupin– men he respected, men he admired– but he had had no space to process the losses.

And the people who were constantly around him, his friends, were hardly people he could talk to about it.

They tried, but Harry just couldn't talk to them about it. He couldn't find the words to describe the crushing weight of grief, the feeling of being cast adrift without the person, the cruel knowledge that the person was gone forever.

More than that, his friends could never understand what it felt like to be responsible for someone's death. Several people's deaths, Harry reminded himself. Lupin, Dumbledore, Sirius, Cedric, Lily, James– all dead because of Harry.

Harry would never be able to tell his friends what that type of bone-deep, all-consuming guilt was like. And even if Harry could manage to get the words out, to confess his guilt, they would feel like they had to reassure him and deny it.

Harry didn't want their platitudes, didn't want them to try and reassure him over something they didn't understand.

And then there was the other thing he refused to talk to his friends about: Eli's betrayal. Or rather, Snape's betrayal, because Eli did not exist.

His friends hadn't been as close to Eli as Harry had been, so they only thought that it was interesting, and somewhat expected, that Snape had been lying to them. And the first time Harry had tried to bring it up, they had tried to say that Snape pretending to be Eli, pretending to be their friend, must have been alright. According to his friends, since Dumbledore had given Snape the potion to change from Eli back into Snape, that made everything okay.

But Harry felt it as the sharp sting of betrayal, like when Moody had turned out to be Barty Crouch Jr– but worse, because Eli had been a friend, not just a professor.

So every time his friends had tried to gossip about Snape's time spent as Eli, Harry had tuned them out or left outright, because it felt like they were mocking him when they made light of the situation. He knew they didn't mean it like that, but it was hard to remember that when his chest tightened and his gut clenched in response to their careless words.

Refocusing his gaze on the sky, Harry took a deep breath to try and shake off those very feelings.

"Hey Sirius," Harry said, speaking softly so as to ensure that his voice didn't carry. "It's been a rough couple months. You, well, you probably know about most of it. Because more people have died because of me, so they could have told you about it themselves." Harry sucked in a breath of shockingly frigid air, then released it after a couple of seconds.

"Dumbledore and Lupin died, you know," Harry began again, voice still carrying the slightest quaver. "They wouldn't have even been there if I had just learned Occlumency. You wouldn't have been there– but then, you definitely already know that.

"And I think you already know about Snape, too. When you asked about Eli in King's Cross, you seemed off, somehow. And then you asked about Snape right after– you were probably trying to leave me hints, so I could figure it out myself.

"But I was too stupid to see it. I was too stupid for a lot of things…" Harry trailed off with a painful sigh. If only he could have seen sooner how stupid he had been…

Harry sighed again and slid into a seated position. He ought to leave soon, before it got colder and before his Warming Charms wore off. But heading back to Gryffindor Tower meant questions and concerned looks and–

A whole mess of interactions that Harry just didn't have the energy for.

Then one of his Warming Charms failed completely, and Harry shivered violently. He launched himself to his feet and pulled the cloak over his head as he went. At least he now had proper motivation to head back.

Harry took one last fleeting look at Sirius before he disappeared into the castle.

"Can you pass the potatoes?" Ron asked.

Harry picked up the platter and handed the whole thing to Ron.

"So," Hermione asked, "what are your holiday plans? I think I already told you that my parents are taking me skiing since I had to leave early last year."

Harry nodded.

Ginny glared at Ron for a moment before turning back to Hermione. "Ron and I found out– like, a week ago– "

"I was going to tell them!" Ron cut in, mouth full of potatoes. "I just kept forgetting!"

"–that Mum's throwing a full family Christmas," Ginny continued, as though she had not been interrupted. "I think she's still a little clingy after everything that's happened. So when Dad finally got through to Percy, she decided to get us all together, including Charlie and Bill."

Harry's gut clenched at this, at seeing the delighted look in Ginny's eyes as she spoke about seeing her whole family together, at the mention of 'everything that's happened', at the– however unintentional– reminder that Harry had no such family of his own to go home to.

Turning slightly to face Ron, Ginny jabbed him in the chest. "And how long were you going to forget to tell Harry? You know Mum wanted you to–"

Professor McGonagall stood up, letting off a short shower of sparks with her wand to catch everyone's attention, and Ginny cut herself off. Harry wanted to know what Ginny had been about to say, but he knew Hermione would be annoyed if they tried to talk over whatever announcement McGonagall was about to give.

"I am sorry to interrupt your dinner, but I have an important announcement to make," McGonagall said, projecting her voice.

She continued on to talk about Dumbledore's death and her appointment as headmistress, so Harry allowed his eyes to glaze over as he thought back to what Ginny had been saying. The Weasleys were having a family holiday this year because of everything that had happened.

Harry knew that the Weasleys liked to include him in things, that they even liked to think of him as family. But the truth was that Harry wasn't really family.

And he knew, then, that he couldn't go home with Ron and Ginny this year. He couldn't intrude on their time with their real family, couldn't impose like that.

Harry refocused on McGonagall in time to catch the tail-end of her announcement.

"...All that is to say that the wards are perfectly secure at the moment, but to ensure that they stay that way, Hogwarts will be closing this holiday season. To that end, all of you will have to leave the castle."

Harry gripped the table in front of him, trying to keep his hands from shaking as his stomach fell.

"If you need assistance finding other accommodations, please feel free to come to myself or your Head of House, and we will find someone willing to host you. Finally, please remember that while Voldemort may be dead, many of his followers, including Bellatrix Lestrange, remain at large, so please stay safe," McGonagall concluded. She sat back down in her seat, and seconds later the Great Hall erupted into conversation.

No Hogwarts.

Bellatrix still on the loose.

Nowhere to go.

Nowhere except… except the Dursleys. Harry's gut tightened further at the thought of voluntarily going back there before the summer, but he already knew that it was his only choice. He would be safe from Bellatrix there, and more importantly, he wouldn't be endangering his friends or their families by going there.

Harry was glad, in a twisted sort of way, that Mrs Weasley had decided to have a family Christmas this year. It made it easier for him to accept that he had to go to the Dursleys– for everyone's safety.

"I thought that we would have had until the summer before Hogwarts shut down," Hermione said thoughtfully.

"I think it's because of how early in the school year the uh– turnover happened," Ginny replied.

Hermione nodded decisively. "That makes a lot of sense. Headmasters and Headmistresses probably prefer not to retire in the middle of the school year when they can help it."

"Anyways, Harry, you'll be coming to spend Christmas with us," Ron said, as though it were already a foregone conclusion.

Harry cleared his throat uncomfortably. He should've known– from the moment McGonagall said they would all have to evacuate the castle– that he would get a pity invite to Christmas with the Weasleys. Even though they were having a family holiday. "Actually, I'm going home. To the Dursleys," Harry said, his tone daring them to argue with him.

Ron stared at him blankly for a moment, then tossed his head back as he burst into raucous laughter.

Harry watched him laugh, his own expression unchanged.

"That's a good one, mate," Ron said, once he'd sufficiently calmed down to speak. "You really had me for a moment."

"I meant it," Harry said flatly.

That sobered Ron up.

"What– why would you do that?" Ginny asked, sounding bewildered.

Harry closed his eyes for a moment, considering what to tell them. There were several reasons– there had to be, for him to decide to go back to the Dursleys– but he didn't want to worsen the pity they were clearly feeling.

"Look, Bellatrix is still on the loose, right? And without Dumbledore or Voldemort around, there's no one to keep her in check, so I just think that I'd be safest at the Dursleys," Harry said. There, that ought to satisfy them.

Ron, Ginny, and Hermione all exchanged a concerned look. Harry grit his teeth at the sight of it and dug into his meal. The sooner he could finish and get out of here, the better.

"Don't you think that's a rather hasty decision?" Hermione asked reasonably.

"No, I mean, sure I made it just now, but it's not like the facts that I based it on are going to change," Harry said around a mouthful of food, half-hoping she would choose to scold him for his poor table manners and drop the subject of where he would be spending his holidays.

He had no such luck, however.

"Mum told us to invite you, though," Ron protested.

At this, Harry paused. If she wanted him there… But then he shook it off, remembering all the other reasons why he couldn't go. And besides, she'd probably just invited him because she knew he had no other family. A pity invite, just like the ones that Ginny and Ron were issuing now.

"Well, you've invited me. And I've said thank you, but I have to decline," Harry said. He quickly shoved the last bite from his plate into his mouth and swallowed it down with a swig of pumpkin juice. "I have to finish that Charms essay, so I'll see you around."

With that, Harry shot up from his seat at Gryffindor table and rushed out of the Great Hall. He wanted to minimize the chance that one of his friends had followed him to resume their questioning. He knew they meant well, but that made it all the harder to shake off.

Hopefully by the time they tracked him down in the library, he would be absorbed enough in his work that they wouldn't disturb him.

It was the last night before the holidays started and the castle would be evacuated. Harry was walking back to Gryffindor Tower from the Owlery, where he'd been settling Hedwig in for the long run. He had decided to leave her behind over the winter break. He didn't trust Vernon to not hurt her, so it was better if she stayed here, where she'd be safe.

Harry stepped through the portrait hole and hurried through the common room. Most of Gryffindor Tower was here now, getting in one last night together with their friends before they all had to leave each other.

As Harry passed through, he saw that Neville, Dean, and Seamus were occupied in a game of Exploding Snap with some younger years. He breathed a sigh of relief, glad that their dorm room would likely be empty, at least for a little while.

Once he was in the relative privacy of the stairs to the dorms, he slowed his pace. Even now, months after everything that had happened, he still felt like people's stares followed him wherever he went.

When Harry stepped onto the landing that led to his dorm room, he paused. There were raised voices issuing from the open door. It only took him a moment to identify Ron and Ginny.

"You should have tried harder to get him to come," Ginny exclaimed. "You shouldn't have waited so long to ask. You haven't even tried at all this past week!"

"I did try!" Ron responded, just as heated. "I did! He's just been so moody lately– you know what he's like!"

Ginny made some inarticulate noise of frustration, but Harry had heard enough; he knew he'd been moody, but it still hurt to hear that Ron was upset because of it. Harry pushed the door to his dorm open the rest of the way. Ron and Ginny both jumped and swapped identical looks laden with guilt.

"Oh hey, Harry," Ron said nervously. "I didn't know you'd be back so soon."

"It's not like there's a lot to do to get a bird settled in," Harry replied, voice devoid of tone to hide the guilt that was now simmering in his gut. Ron and Ginny had clearly been fighting over him, clearly upset because of his decision.

"Right," Ginny said, giving Ron a hard, significant look. "Well– I'm just going to go now… I think Demelza wanted another game of gobstones…" Then she turned and hurried out of the dorm.

Harry finished walking over to his wardrobe and opened it. He had already transfigured one of Dudley's biggest sweaters into a duffle bag, which he now pulled out and set on his bed. Because he wasn't going to be gone from Hogwarts that long, and because he was far more comfortable leaving his trunk– and all his magical belongings– here where they were safe, he had decided to just bring the bare necessities with him.

The ability to leave things here at Hogwarts was, perhaps, the only benefit about leaving the castle for winter break.

"So, uh, how much did you hear?" Ron asked, breaking the uncomfortable silence that had fallen between them.

Harry shrugged. "Enough," he said. "I'm sorry you guys were fighting."

"You're sorry?" Ron asked incredulously.

Harry walked over to his trunk and began to dig around, searching for Dudley's hand-me-downs that were buried in its depths. They were all he was going to be able to wear this break, after all, so most of the space in his bag would comprise of them.

"You guys were clearly fighting because of me," Harry finally said. He wasn't a huge fan of them talking about him behind his back, but his anger about that was insignificant next to his ever-present guilt.

Ron sighed and came to stand over by Harry. "Are you sure I can't convince you to come home with us? It's not too late, you know. Mum would be over the moon. I would be over the moon."

Harry carelessly shoved the sweaters he'd found into the duffle. "I really am sorry you guys are fighting, but the answer is still no. It's too dangerous."

That had been his method for shutting down the implorations to join the Weasleys for Christmas– it's too dangerous– and it worked just as well now as it had every time before.

Ron closed his mouth, a deeply unhappy expression settling over his features.

The knot of guilt in Harry's gut tightened in response to Ron's discomfort. No matter what he did, he seemed to make the people around him unhappy. Harry turned away to hide the distress he was sure would be showing on his own face and resumed digging through his trunk, this time looking for trousers he'd also inherited from Dudley.

Ron sighed. "I just– I hope you know I'm here for you, mate. And, well. I'll make sure Mum sends you as much food as Pig and Errol can carry."

Harry's heart skipped. Even when he was doing nothing but causing problems and upsetting his friends, Ron was still being– nice.

"Thank you," Harry said heavily, his voice laden with meaning.

Ron cleared his throat. "Yeah of course, it's what best mates do," he shuffled his feet. "I promised Hermione I would spend some time with her tonight, so I was gonna go do that… Unless you want me to hang around, I can shoot her a Patronus and stay here. You know she would understand."

Harry was already shaking his head before Ron finished speaking. "No, no, go ahead. I've still got to pack, and then I wanted to, uh, think. Alone."

"If you're sure," Ron said, taking a step towards the door.

"I'm sure," Harry said.

Ron took another step back towards the door. "I'll be back in a bit, if you're still awake." Then he turned and strode out of the room.

Once Ron was gone, Harry finished shoving the trousers into the duffle and collapsed onto his bed, planting his elbows onto his knees and resting his head against his palms. Ron and Ginny had been fighting– because of him.

They had seemed genuinely upset. Again, because of Harry.

Harry picked his head up and clenched his hands into fists. He knew why he had to go to the Dursleys. He had to protect his friends, had to make sure Bellatrix wouldn't go seeking them out because Harry was there.

And besides, Harry was sure that once Ron and Ginny actually went home, they would realize that they really were better off without him there. He'd only be an interloper in their family Christmas. It was better to intrude on the Dursleys because they, at least, wouldn't feel the need to hide their resentment.

It was better that he not give the Weasleys a chance to resent him. It would hurt too much if they rejected him now.

AN: writing this was an exercise in nailing down all the myriad reasons harry would be feeling guilty lsdkjflsdk please leave a review!