Dallas, Texas

"Oh JR, that was wonderful", they walked hand in hand out of the theatre, "I'm glad you enjoyed it", he was, The Nutcracker really wasn't that bad, Sue Ellen loved the arts and if he was honest with himself, ballet wasn't that bad. He smiled at her and she hated that she still had that nagging feeling, that although things seemed ok between them right now, they still had a lot of issues in their relationship and she didn't know why. JR led her out of the building and handed the valet his parking ticket before surprising Sue Ellen with a kiss; there was no denying that he loved her, but the past few months had been tough. He partially blamed himself, there had been so many little things that had distracted him lately; Bobby, Ewing Oil, Sue Ellen, his father, his mother, other women, himself, everyone and everything. It all contributed to his uneasy feeling about his position of importance, or nonimportance, that though everything was better when he was in control, other people didn't always consult him before making decisions. It made it difficult for him to even think about committing to marriage when he wasn't sure about where he stood in life. He hoped that Sue Ellen understood his concerns and wasn't too upset by his hesitation; it wasn't just her, it was him, he liked to be clear about his success before he made a move. As he kissed Sue Ellen, he could tell that something was bothering her, it wasn't the same, she wasn't completely giving herself to him. "Is something wrong Sugar Plum?" he was concerned that he was losing her, he wanted her, but he wanted to wait; she smiled as she heard him refer to her as her favourite character in The Nutcracker, "it's nothing". Just as he was about to respond, the valet arrived with his car and distracted him from the conversation; something was clearly bothering her and he would find out what it was.

Sue Ellen was quiet during the short drive and JR wasn't sure what had happened, she had been so excited as they watched the ballet and afterward she had seemed happy, but then she changed, something was on her mind and he hated that she was keeping it a secret. They drove to The Adolphus, one of Dallas' oldest and finest hotels and Sue Ellen's mood improved; she loved the way JR was when he was romantic like this. The interior was gorgeous and especially stunning with the Christmas decorations placed around the building; it bothered her that she wasn't enjoying it the way she should have been because she was so worried about his answer to her question, the question she hadn't asked yet, but had been thinking about for weeks. They made their way toward The French Room and Sue Ellen tried to block out her negative thoughts, JR was acting mostly like his normal self again tonight, maybe she was overreacting. He was a busy man, and he didn't like imperfection, maybe he really was just waiting for the right time, the perfect time, maybe that was all it was and she was overthinking it. "We'll have the chef's tasting menu", he didn't feel like reading the menu and deciding what he wanted to eat, and he didn't want to waste time on that task, there were more important things on his mind right now. Sue Ellen smiled at the waiter as he took their order and left the table, it was a little late in the evening for her to be eating a full three-course meal, she would have been happy with a salad, but she didn't say anything, JR seemed distracted. "Thank you for this" she smiled and took his hand, trying to make an effort to be normal and relaxed, "I'd do anything to make you happy", he meant it, all he really wanted was their happiness, and he was working so hard to make things work in his favour and by association, hers too. Sue Ellen felt tears as he spoke, if he would do anything, then why hadn't he proposed yet? Why was she lonelier now than she had ever been before? She wasn't happy and it hurt her to hear him commit to making her happy but not actually do the one thing she wanted. JR noticed her tears and knew something was seriously wrong; "will you excuse me for just a moment", she got up and walked toward the bathroom. JR sighed, she obviously didn't want to voice her issues, so he'd do what he could to salvage the evening, though it was difficult to know what to avoid when he didn't know what the problem was.

"Thank you JR, the ballet was spectacular and dinner was wonderful", they stood in the doorway of her hotel room, she thought it was best to not stay at Southfork at the moment, the tension and questions were just too much for her. She opened her purse to find her room key and as she found it, JR took the opportunity to kiss her again, he was trying so hard to save the date, but it wasn't working, she was bothered by so much and one good date didn't fix it. JR pulled away, "ok, please darlin', you've got to tell me what is wrong, because I cannot keep trying to guess. I hate guessing, I like knowing all the facts and right now, I don't know where we stand", she looked into his eyes, he looked lost, "let's go inside and talk".

Entering the hotel room, she suddenly felt awkward, what if she was completely wrong and he really did have everything planned out. What if she messed everything up by questioning his commitment? JR cleared his throat and waited for her to start speaking, he didn't want to start the conversation, it had to come from her; "are you losing interest in me?" she took a deep breath and just asked, it was the easiest option. JR was surprised, "why would you say a thing like that?" he thought that he made his feelings for her clear, but she was still questioning him, so he obviously hadn't been clear enough. "Maybe you're losing interest in our relationship because I won't give you what you want; or maybe because I did give you part of what you want and now the challenge is gone. Maybe you're not interested in just having an average girlfriend; the appeal is gone now that I'm no longer Miss Texas. Maybe my mother was right, I'm getting old and unattractive", now she was just speaking her thoughts, not coherently or logically though. JR's head was spinning with her words; "maybe…" he couldn't take any more maybes, "stop"; she looked up at him, stunned and unsure of what to do. "Sue Ellen, you are the most important thing in my life", it was relatively true, of course Ewing Oil and his father's respect were hugely important, but in his personal life, he wanted Sue Ellen and it wouldn't hurt to tell her that she was special, "I love you, can't you see that? None of the things that you mentioned are true, and even if they were, they aren't things that would make me love you any less. Please, explain to me exactly why you feel the way that you do, because I don't understand". Sue Ellen took another deep breath, almost on the verge of tears and uttered one word, "marriage"; JR looked at her confused, "marriage?" Sue Ellen had to laugh a little, for an observant man, he sure was blind to the obvious problem. "Yes, marriage. I love you JR and you say that you love me, but I don't know what more I can do to make our relationship one that you consider marriage worthy. I totally understand that you're busy with Ewing Oil, but I like supporting you with your problems and lately, that hasn't been happening. I feel like you're shutting me out and maybe you're doing that because you are losing interest in me or our relationship, or… I don't know really. But it hurts me when you tell people that our relationship is great and that we'll get married at some point, but then you also say that you're waiting for the right time. After Thanksgiving…" she trailed off, she didn't want to give away too much, make herself too vulnerable, she already felt overexposed. "Thanksgiving", he whispered to himself, he had honestly been planning a proposal and it just wasn't the right time, he hadn't intentionally tried to make her feel uneasy about their relationship, "is that what you think? I'm so sorry, I didn't ever mean for you to feel my problems as your own. I have just been so preoccupied with work and then at home I have my parents, and you know, I never liked following direct orders. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel like you weren't enough, you are. I love you, and I have every intention of asking you to be my wife… when the time is right", he would never tell her the reason for why he was doubting his decision so much, he didn't want to hurt her feelings and some things really were better to keep to himself. All Sue Ellen could focus on was the end of his sentence, "when the time is right, when the time is right, when the time is right", the phrase repeated over and over in her mind; "JR, please, when is the right time? Because I don't know how much more I can take". He didn't have a real answer and paused, "I…", he always had an answer and was mad at himself for letting his words fail him. "I think that answers the question", she sadly acknowledged that there was no certain date and she didn't know whether she could deal with that uncertainty. "JR, I'm very tired, I'd like to go to bed now", he took her hint and walked toward the door, it wasn't worth fighting about, she was upset and anything he said now would just be taken the wrong way, "goodnight sugar", he kissed her on the cheek and left the room. She closed the door behind him and leaned back against it, letting the tears fall freely down her cheeks.

To be continued…

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