Austin, Texas

Sue Ellen walked through the grounds of the Zilker Botanical Garden in Zilker Park; it was a nice, quiet walk, perfect for thinking and reflecting. She didn't really know what she was supposed to be doing, but sitting around her mother's house all day didn't sound at all appealing, she had to get out of the house and do something, but she really didn't feel like doing anything, so a long solitary walk seemed like the most logical thing to do. She hadn't even really wanted to visit with her mother and sister, but JR had insisted that she needed time to clear her head and relax; she wasn't sure exactly why he'd sent her to Austin to relax though, he knew how she felt about her mother. Now that she was here though, she had to agree that the time alone was actually quite nice, it wasn't that she couldn't spend time alone in Dallas, but there was always something happening, always something requiring her attention. She hadn't lived in Austin for over a year and she hadn't had any real friends in Austin since she graduated college almost three years ago, so the risk of running into someone she would actually have to spend time socialising with was minimal. Her loneliness prior to her engagement wasn't something she ever thought she'd be thankful for, but today she was, she didn't want to talk or pretend anymore, she just wanted to be happy again, make all of the pain go away.

She couldn't believe how things had changed in such a small space of time, just last week she had been on top of the world, she had really believed that everything was finally working out and she had the key to everyone's happiness, but that happiness had quickly disappeared. She had been foolish and had gotten ahead of herself before she had any real confirmation, and ultimately, she had set herself up for disappointment, at least that's how she saw it; she blamed herself for everything, even the things that were not her fault and she had no control over. Her life had been up and down for a while now, with JR's job demanding the majority of his attention and her assuming the role of quiet, supportive wife, it didn't leave a lot of room for them to spend much quality time together as a couple. She had really thought that things were getting better though; after their anniversary trip everything seemed to be going well, but apparently, that wasn't so. She didn't realise it, but the way they reunited after long absences didn't do anything good for their relationship. It was one thing to insist that they forget the past and focus on the present and the time they had together, but the way things were between them meant that they never talked about their problems and never addressed the seemingly little things that caused issues in their relationship. She said nothing about her feelings because she didn't want to burden him with any more problems or upset him by wording her thoughts wrong and making it seem as if she were blaming him for the way she felt; he already had so much to worry about and he didn't need his wife adding to that. The problem with her method was that by not addressing the issues directly with him, she buried those feelings and they grew inside her, causing her to feel things more deeply and personally than they were probably intended. All of a sudden a late night at the office or a business trip felt became a question as to whether her husband was avoiding her, and if he was then what was she doing wrong? A weekend hunting trip or going out drinking with his father felt even worse, because those were things he chose to do instead of being with her. Rationally she knew that it wasn't personal, he was a busy and important man who had responsibilities, and when he wasn't working he was entitled to his own life and to do what he pleased with his time, but the everything combined caused her to worry and question her own self-worth.

Then there was everything else in her life, she wanted a baby so badly, and the disappointment she felt each month that it didn't happen was heart-breaking. It was even worse to see the way that the family reacted to the delivery of no news at all, she felt useless and lonely; no one really understood what she was going through. There was so much pressure on her and JR to produce the Ewing heir and it really upset her when it didn't happen immediately, she had never expected it to be so difficult. She could almost see the way Jock's opinion of her was changing, he was beginning to wonder whether she was worth the trouble he'd gone to to strongly encourage JR to marry her, and she had begun to internalise that way of thinking herself. She felt like she would never be a real Ewing until John Ross Ewing III was a real person, a son would cement her position in the family and would relieve her of the stress of worrying about what would happen if she couldn't have children. JR tried to understand her position, but he never fully did; she needed it to happen more than he did, he was already a Ewing, but she was just his wife, she was replaceable if she was deemed unfit for the role; he was the key to John Ross Ewing III, she was essentially just the egg donor. On top of that, she worried about JR and his position in the company, she really wanted the best for him, she didn't like seeing him be treated badly or unfairly, and she wanted to be there to support him in any way he needed her to. Her role as Mrs JR Ewing was another thing that caused her to worry; being a Ewing meant that she had a whole list of people to impress, she had to be the perfect wife not only for her husband, but also for his family, their friends and the general society that they were a part of. It wouldn't look good for either of them if she showed anything less than happiness in public, and in private it felt the same way, she didn't want to upset or disappoint JR so she just kept all of her less than positive feelings to herself.

She had somewhat known that she was suppressing her emotions, but she hadn't realised the effect it would have on her; the physical signs of stress were a wakeup call, the way she dealt with things wasn't healthy and she needed to change. It was difficult for her to understand what she needed to do differently though, she was torn between two ideals and it confused her. For so long she had been told that a good wife was passive and submissive and so she believed that the way JR acted was normal and acceptable and she had to learn to live with that. But then Dr Danvers gave her a different perspective, although she wanted to be a good wife and do all of those things, it wasn't good for her or JR or their marriage if she kept everything inside; if they couldn't talk openly about small things, then they'd have a much harder time talking about the big things. She wasn't sure that JR would appreciate her saying anything more though, he seemed to expect her to act the way that she had been acting, accepting and not arguing with his decisions, she couldn't imagine that he would want to have an open discussion about things, especially not things that he couldn't really change. She didn't know where to go from here, she couldn't keep saying nothing, but she didn't want to cause him any more distress than he already had in his life and she didn't want to be a bad wife. Perhaps her trip to Austin was a good idea, she did need a little time away from Dallas to clear her head and think about everything.

To be continued…