Dallas, Texas

Arriving back at Southfork from their DOA meeting at just after two o'clock, Sue Ellen and Miss Ellie separated, Sue Ellen heading upstairs to change into her bathing suit and Miss Ellie putting her things away before walking outside to tend to her rose garden. Walking back downstairs, Sue Ellen sighed to herself, her life was monotonous; it wasn't that she didn't enjoy sunbathing, swimming, horse riding, DOA meetings, restaurant lunches, walks or shopping, she did, but there was only so many times that she could repeat the same activities on a loop before she grew bored with them. It didn't help that they were almost the only things she did anymore now that her life with JR had essentially stalled, not developing or growing, in fact, almost receding in development to a point where they seemed more like roommates with occasional benefits than anything else. She had an inkling of an idea that JR was somehow trying to shield her from his problems by not discussing them with her, but it felt more personal than that, it felt like he didn't share anything with her anymore, not even his general thoughts or observations about the world. If he was trying to protect her feelings, then he was doing it all wrong, because the way he was treating her now made her feel just as confused and stressed than she had when she was worried about his business problems; essentially ignoring her wasn't the same as protecting her. The romantic man she had married seemed to be long gone now, and the promises he made on anniversaries and birthdays seemed empty when she looked at the reality of their life together. He never spent time with her anymore, he didn't send her flowers or buy her 'just because' gifts, he didn't take her out anywhere other than to business social events of family dinners, and he spent more time at the office than he did at home. She knew that just having a good relationship with JR wasn't going to automatically make her life feel completely fulfilled, because he could never completely match the level of time or energy that she devoted to him; but even a little bit of his attention meant a lot to her and was all she asked of him. In her mind, it seemed like a reasonable expectation, if he really loved her, then her happiness should be one of his goals, however, it didn't seem to be high on his list of priorities, and unfortunately, the clear lack of meaningful relationship between them just made her feel more confused and alone.

Logically, she knew that JR probably didn't know just how terrible she felt all the time, she was always hiding and downplaying her insecurities and always had her 'happy wife' mask on when she was around the family; with the lack of time they spent alone together, he probably saw her as a happy wife more than anything else. He wasn't a mind reader and he had other, more important things to do than further investigate his wife's possible hidden feelings, so if she said she was ok, then he tended to believe her and not question her moods, generally attributing anything out of the ordinary to 'women's problems', not anything he had to be concerned about. Rationally, it occurred to her that if she wanted him to know how she felt, then her best option was to talk to him and tell him how she felt, because suffering in silence did nothing to help the problem. However, emotionally and socially, she felt like a bad wife for feeling the way she did and for considering involving her husband in silly issues like her feelings; her mother would never approve of her burdening her husband with her problems, especially when they were so trivial in comparison to the things JR dealt with in his life. Patricia would see her as ungrateful and ridiculous for not appreciating the things she did have and always finding issue with the things she didn't have; her mother saw things in black and white, correlating money with happiness and not seeing the requirement for more than just financial fulfilment. It was her mother's voice in her head that held her back from voicing her real thoughts and opinions, especially if there was a possibility of her image being negatively affected. She had been taught that a good wife didn't complain unless completely necessary, and her mother's version of necessary was fairly narrow; so instead of opening the topic for discussion, she suffered in silence, burying everything deeper and trying her hardest to distract herself from the way she was feeling. She knew that a discussion about their relationship and her feelings was probably necessary and long overdue, but right now, it wasn't something she had the self-confidence to do.

Walking outside, she smiled at Miss Ellie and took a seat next to the pool, opening her magazine to a random page, she began to read, her eyes moving over the words, but her brain not processing the meaning or significance of anything in the article. "Sue Ellen?" she jumped slightly as Miss Ellie sat down on a chair next to her, "I'm finished tending to the roses now and I was going to have some iced tea, would you care to join me?" she smiled at her daughter-in-law and motioned toward the patio table. Sue Ellen nodded, standing and walking over toward the refreshments in a daze, her sense of time completely lost right now. If Miss Ellie was finished with her gardening then that meant that she'd been outside for a lot longer than she thought; however, her mind couldn't account for the past half hour, aside from the vague recollection of the magazine article she had been trying to read. Sitting down, Miss Ellie watched Sue Ellen's facial expression as they spoke about a mix of superficial and safe topics such as the weather, the DOA meeting earlier in the day and the new chef at The Gardens restaurant. Although she appeared to be smiling, Sue Ellen's happy expression was not genuine and it didn't reflect anything close to what was really going on in her mind. She had been blessed, or cursed, with large, brown eyes, and her eyes really were the window to her soul, giving away more information about her true feelings than she ever dared say aloud. Miss Ellie had been noticing Sue Ellen's distant expressions and lack of true happiness for a while, but she hadn't thought it was her place to say anything, until now; it had been apparent after the DOA meeting that something wasn't quite right and that Sue Ellen had much more going on in her mind than she ever let on. The DOA meeting itself had been great for her, she enjoyed feeling useful and in control of something, especially now that she was the chair of another committee group; and she enjoyed the social interaction with the other ladies. However, as soon as the meeting was over and they were in the car, it didn't take long for Sue Ellen to turn quiet and distant again, as if she was having a deep discussion with herself in her mind. Miss Ellie brushed off her concerns again as they arrived back at Southfork, Sue Ellen was a grown woman, she was capable of making her own decisions, even if they weren't the ones Ellie herself would have made. However, her thoughts changed as she observed Sue Ellen's obvious distraction as she attempted to read her magazine, her page remaining unchanged the entire time Ellie tended to the rose bush behind Sue Ellen's chair. She decided that just trying to open the discussion couldn't do any harm; if Sue Ellen wanted to talk, then she was there to listen, but if she didn't, then they could just enjoy their iced tea together and then separate again. It was Sue Ellen's decision to make though and if she didn't want to talk, then she wasn't going to push her.

To be continued…