Notes
At first I was like, oh boy, quarantine, I can get so much writing done! But then Animal Crossing came out, and P5R comes out in a few days, soooo... But I managed to finish this chapter in two sittings, so that felt good. It's not as long as I assumed it would be either, but I have a feeling the final chapter will be much longer lmao.
Anyways, thanks for your kind words and patience as always, and hope y'all enjoy some more ShinjiMina!
When Arisato came up to him that Wednesday, he decided on the spot that today would be the day of the party. He didn't want any of the ingredients to go bad, and the thought of Arisato thinking he was procrastinating on something she was looking forward to left him feeling guilty. That was something he'd never admit in a thousand years, however.
So as soon as she asked if he were busy, he looked away awkwardly, trying to remember this wasn't a big deal.
"Let's do it today," Shinjiro said, definitely feeling nervous and out of his element. The moment the words left his lips, Arisato gave him a wide smile, and some of that nervousness seemed to melt away.
"Tonight!" She exclaimed, clapping her hands together as she did. "That sounds perfect!"
"You better not go anywhere, all right?" Shinjiro couldn't help the smile that tugged on his lips as he watched her, bouncing like a little girl without a care. It was sometimes hard to believe that she was the leader of their little ragtag group. "Just be patient and wait about an hour." He paused to look around the dorm. Everyone seemed to be accounted for - and as usual, everyone was looking at them as they spoke. "Tell the other guys that, too."
Arisato gave him her practically trademarked grin. "You got it! Please make it tasty."
He remembered back when he'd first starting staying at the dorm, how he'd somehow found the tiny person in front of him almost intimidating in a way. She'd smiled back then, too, but he couldn't help but think that she did so a lot more now than she used to. It felt like any time Shinji looked at her, her lips were curled upwards in some form.
It was hard to deny how beautiful she was when she looked at him like that. Like maybe he was worth something, after all.
"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Shinjiro told her, rolling his eyes. And this banter that flowed between them - it felt so natural. It felt like he'd been doing this for a thousand years; like something deep in his bones recognized this person as comfortable. Safe. "Sheesh," he said, shaking his head to try and clear his thoughts. "Start looking forward to it."
Teaching Fuuka wasn't easy, but at least it was something Shinjiro could handle. Cooking was, at the very least, something he was confident enough in. He refused to go easy on her, and he certainly wasn't nice about the things she messed up - she didn't know the difference between a teaspoon and a ladle - but in all fairness to her, she handled it well. Even Aki had told him in the past to be nicer to her, since she seemed a bit sensitive, but Shinji had just rolled his eyes. Anyone who was bothering to use their powers to go into Tartarus every week clearly had at least something to them.
Fuuka was no exception. She may not participate in the actual fighting, but in a way, she was braver than any of them. He couldn't imagine having to watch out for everyone else. That was why he just listened to Arisato, though.
Even though he was cooking, Shinji could feel the frown etched onto his face. Between teaching Fuuka and his nerves about serving everyone in the dorm - including Ken - it likely wouldn't be going anywhere, anytime at all. Fuuka had definitely noticed, and kept shooting him concerned glances when she really should've been paying closer attention to what she was doing with the food.
Arisato chose then to pop in, looking around at the chaos going on in the small kitchen. "I'll help, too," she said, rolling up her sleeves as she spoke.
"Nah, stay put," Shinjiro replied, the frown that had been present for the last twenty minutes melting away slowly. It always seemed to do that with her. "It's way too crowded over here. 'Sides," he continued, making a shooing motion with his hands, "we're trying to keep it a secret."
Arisato pouted slightly, moving her sleeves back down to their normal length. "Aw. I like cooking."
He'd guessed that already, but hearing her say it aloud was kind of nice, in a way. Cooking was something special to him - it was nice to think they shared a hobby, despite how different they seemed on the outside.
"I-I'm sorry, Minako-chan," Fuuka said, looking down at the mess in front of her with furrowed brows. "If only I was better at cooking…"
"Just hush up and watch what you're doing," Shinjiro chided, waving to the egg she'd just cracked. "A piece of eggshell just fell in there."
Her eyes widened almost comically as she realized her mistake. "Oh, you're right. It's amazing that you noticed that, Senpai."
Turning from Arisato, Shinji nearly groaned out loud at everything else going on. He'd seen bad cooks before, Aki included, but this was an entirely new level of incompetence. Never had he thought it was possible to be this bad at something so necessary for survival. It wasn't as if he was even making her do the difficult tasks, either; he'd started her small so she could get a feel for it as she went.
As he was trying to fix whatever Fuuka had done this time, it seemed like the whole dorm decided then and there was the perfect time to bother them. Iori, the robot girl, even the dog came down, curiously taking a peek at what they were up to.
"So Shinji's cooking," Aki mused, and Shinjiro rolled his eyes at his old friend. "Will there be any leftovers?"
Everyone he knew was an idiot, Shinji decided. "Can't you tell?"
"You're supposed to be a good friend and make larger servings when you cook in front of lots of people." He could tell by Aki's tone that he wasn't feeling too torn up about it, but the way he was looking at the food told him everything Aki's words didn't.
With a wide gesture at the food, he considered leaving it at that, but he could never not try to have the last word over Aki. "You're supposed to not be an idiot," he said, going back to his work. "Look, there's obviously more than twelve servings here."
Iori and Takeba at the same time immediately perked up. Everyone in the dorm, it seemed, was actually a hyena waiting for a bone. If he'd known everyone would be like this, Shinjiro wasn't so sure that he would've agreed. He was already feeling embarrassed at the fact that someone had outed him to all of SEES as a good cook.
Before he could say anything else, Arisato stepped him, looping her arms around both Takeba and Iori. "There's enough for everyone!" She proudly declared, looking at him with stars in her eyes.
"Shinji…!" Aki was the worst of them all, Shinji decided.
He shifted, moving his beanie to cover his eyes a bit more. "Shut up and sit down."
Shinjiro had thought teaching Fuuka had been difficult, but in reality it was nothing compared to the awkwardness and nerves he was facing now. In the other room, he could hear all the other members chatting excitedly about whatever it was he was cooking. Both Arisato and Aki had been singing his cooking praises the entire time, riling up everyone even more so.
Whenever he'd get too distracted, he'd yell at them to shut up, but it didn't seem to deter them whatsoever. Even Fuuka had realized the uselessness of his plight, and had taken to giggling lightly whenever he did just that.
"Is… all of this for us?" Takeba asking, her mouth slightly watering as he and Fuuka began placing food on the table. Shinjiro almost wanted to crawl out of his skin when Iori followed up by asking if this was some kind of party.
"Is Mitsuru-senpai in her room?" Fuuka asked, looking around. "I'll go get her!"
He watched as she began her way up the stairs, almost wanting to call out to her for a favor. Instead, Shinjiro turned to Aki, meeting his eyes for only a moment before turning away. There was one face that he hadn't seen all night, and while he knew the kid wouldn't be happy about it, he needed to eat.
"Aki," he said, and whatever tone he was using instantly had his old friend on edge. "Go get Ken, too. It's a little late, but he's probably still up…"
With a gravity nobody else seemed to notice, Akihiko nodded. "Got it."
The others chattered on in the background while waiting, but Arisato caught his eye. In the lighting of the dining room, her eyes seemed… different. Shinjiro couldn't put his finger on it, but instead of feeling like she saw right through him as he often did, he felt then that she actually saw him. Fully.
It was a thought both terrifying and incredible all at once.
He forced himself to swallow, turning away from her to look instead at the stairs in waiting.
Mitsuru, unsurprisingly, came down first, eyes narrowed in an accusatory gaze before any of them had a chance to greet her. "What's the matter?" She asked, putting a hand on her hip. "Why are you all gathered together all of a sudden..?" Ken and Akihiko followed after, the latter with a smile on his face as Mitsuru put two and two together. "What's all this about? Did someone call a chef?"
Ken, on the other hand, actually listened to the other SEES members, even as they all spoke over each other. "Did Shinjiro-san make this?"
Shinji's eyes found Ken's, and they both awkwardly held each other's stare. The relationship between them had never been good, even before Ken had figured everything out, but now it felt like ashes on his tongue.
"Everyone, sit," Shinjiro said, remembering why he had asked the youngest member to come down in the first place.
It was hard not to feel like he was ignoring the problem like this, but everyone in the dorm needed a decent meal every once in awhile. The excuse wasn't great, and it didn't do much to make Shinjiro feel any better, but it would do for the night.
The rest of the dorm held themselves with baited breath, sitting down quickly. Arisato, in particular, kept grinning at him in that way of hers. He supposed it wouldn't hurt to have a little bit of fun with them.
"Pick up your chopsticks," he continued slowly, watching with a small smile as everyone did as they were told. Would be nice if they were like that all the time, he thought to himself, before shaking his head slightly. "And dig in."
The whole table cheered. "Thanks for the food!" Akihiko said, already shoveling piles of everything onto his plate, everyone else following suit.
Well, mostly everyone. Ken hadn't touched anything, making the nausea that Shinjiro was used to creep back up with a vengeance. Arisato noticed, too, but didn't say anything after taking one look at Shinji's face.
He wondered what she saw there. It was impossible, obviously, for her to know exactly what the issue was between the two of them, but how much did his face give away? Nobody else in the dorm had figured it out, but then again, he didn't believe anyone was as observant as Arisato.
Point in case was Fuuka, who'd asked Ken if he was going to eat instead of keeping quiet about it and putting him on the spot.
"I-I'll have something," Ken stuttered out, likely somewhat embarrassed at having been called out. "Thanks for the food…"
His words weren't anything more than a whisper, but some deep, hidden part of Shinjiro wished that they would mean something. That somehow, even if a dinner wouldn't bring back his dead mother, wouldn't erase that night from the sands of time, it would help mend it. Just a little.
Shinjiro looked down at his food. "Yeah."
Despite the sour taste that thinking about Ken always left in his mouth, the rest of the dinner had gone by smoothly. Nearly all the food had been devoured, and everyone had insisted on cleaning up so he didn't have to. Arisato got up to join as well, but Fuuka had told her to sit down and she would do her share instead.
It was nice, Shinjiro could admit, to have a moment alone with Arisato after the chaos of the night. Mitsuru had brought them out some tea with a smile that made him wary, but even he wasn't stupid enough to say no to a kind gesture from the Ice Princess herself.
"Looks like everyone enjoyed it," he said after a moment to break the silence, looking at the few plates that still remained.
When there were nights like these, he could almost believe things were normal. He could almost forget about the pain tearing at his insides, the coughs that constantly threatened to bubble up from his chest, and the pills that felt like lead in his coat pocket. Shinjiro let out a small laugh to himself.
No, no matter how hard he tried, reality was still reality. Nobody could fight time.
The look on Arisato's face wasn't what he was expecting. Instead of the grin he'd been sure would be there, a small, almost serene smile filled her face. "Let's do this again sometime," she said, taking a small sip from her tea.
He couldn't let her know. "If the opportunity comes up." It wouldn't, but it wasn't a no. She didn't have to know. "If you hadn't brought up the idea, i probably never would've done something like this." He shook his head, growing wistful. "It was so simple, and all I had to do was do it…"
There were, he realized, lots of things in his life like that. Maybe if he would've tried harder that night, or any subsequent nights, to take control over Castor. Maybe if he'd taken the time to talk to Ken, instead of hiding like a coward…
A cough tore out of his throat, and Shinjiro winced. It was going to be a bad night, he could tell. He stood up with a sigh. "Today really tired me out," he said as a means of explanation. "I'm gonna go to bed. You should head off to bed soon, too."
Minako nodded, and with that, he turned around to begin his trek up the stairs. "Goodnight, Shinjiro-senpai," she said, speaking a bit louder to make sure her voice carried.
"Night."
As he stepped into his room, he reached into his pocket for his watch. It wasn't that he needed to know the time, but the comfort he found in his one true possession was something he needed that night. He searched blindly for a moment, before getting frustrated.
"It's gone, huh?" He realized belatedly after standing in his doorway and searching for what could've easily been five minutes. "Just my luck."
Shinjiro closed his door and slipped into his pajamas and then promptly into his bed. He knew, at the very least, that he'd be seeing her in his dreams again. It had been happening more and more often lately, and while he couldn't deny it was a nice reprieve from his usual nightmares, it didn't bode well for him.
Attachments weren't something he could really afford. Clearly.
It took a few days for Arisato to ask Shinjiro to hang out again, but that was alright. After the party, he'd needed a few days to himself, and part of him wondered if she had somehow known that. She'd given him smiles in passing, and had spoken to him a few times, but never tried to engage him in anything socially taxing.
By the time he was willing to go seek her out, she approached him on Friday evening, asking if now was a good time. Even though his body ached, Shinjiro agreed without thinking.
"Mind if we step out for a bit?" He asked, shifting a little. She peered at him curiously, and he sighed. "It's just, I feel uncomfortable…"
"Did something happen?" Arisato asked in response, her curiosity turning into concern.
Shaking his head, he almost regretted agreeing to spend time with her that night. "It's nothing like that," he tried, "but…"
For whatever reason, though his explanation was absolutely horrible, Arisato agreed, ushering him out the front door. Once they were outside, Shinjiro could practically feel some of the tension melt away from his body. Rarely did anybody come out there this late into the evening, and the peaceful night air made his lungs feel full for the first time in what felt like months.
"Seriously," he muttered to himself, before turning to the field leader with a slight wince. "Sorry. Those guys keep yapping at me," he said, shaking his head again.
In reply, she threw him a baffled look. "Yapping at you?" It almost sounded like she had a little laugh in her voice, now - was she that relieved that it was nothing serious?
Part of him hurt at the thought. This girl, who he'd just been getting to know, cared about him that much… and it was almost the end of September. The clock kept ticking, he could see Ken growing more agitated by the day, and Arisato didn't know any of it.
She didn't know that he didn't have time. She didn't know that she was spending time with a walking corpse; putting all her effort and energy into becoming his friend when he couldn't give her anything in return.
"You remember how I cooked for them the other day?" He replied after a moment, forcing himself to say something to fill the silence that had followed. At her nod, he continued. "They kept going on and on about how delicious it was and how I should do it again… Aki keeps pushing these requests on me, Fuuka's throwing cookbooks at me…"
It drove him nuts. Aki, especially, who should have known. He was there the night it had happened. He knew what he and Castor - him, really, he hadn't been strong enough - had done. Whose life they had ruined beyond repair.
And even still, he pretended like Shinjiro still had a future. Still had something to live for.
"Whenever I walk past the kitchen, they all stare at me like they're just waiting for me to do something," he finished with a shrug. Going into detail as to why this bothered him so much was pointless. Hopefully he'd presented himself as enough of an introvert that something as minuscule as that wouldn't seem unreasonable to be bothered by.
"It can't be helped," Arisato said with a dramatic sigh, shooting him a grin. "Your cooking is just too good, senpai. I can't blame any of them!"
Despite his feeling towards promises, Shinjiro couldn't help the small smile that crept up on him. "Well, I'm glad they liked it," he said, which wasn't at all a lie. Truly, he was glad he was able to contribute something for the rest of the team.
The silence between them became comfortable once again, and Shinji felt himself relax fully into it. It was rare that he felt so comfortable around another person. He wouldn't deny how nice it felt to trust someone like this - but also how dangerous it could be.
Back at the orphanage, he'd done his best to make everyone's lives there better. He'd done the most for Aki and Miki, and look how that had turned out. They had lost her, and now…
"Do you think it's funny that I did that? You think it isn't like me?" He started again, trying once again in vain to direct his thoughts elsewhere. "I mean, there's nothing wrong with having good memories to grow up with. We've got two kids at the dorm, anyway. One big one, and one tiny one…"
Minako hummed. She looked deep in thought, leaning against the wall as she listened to him. She took everyone's words so seriously. It was a rare thing, Shinji felt, in this day and age. No matter what he said, he knew she would always listen.
He could tell her. He could explain about Ken, about the fact that he'd have to say goodbye soon, about the pills-
Instead, he smiled at her; a smile that had already quickly become reserved just for her. "How about you?" He asked. "Did you have fun too?"
Without missing a beat, Arisato nodded. "It's all thanks to you."
The way she said something like that so casually made heat flood his face, and part of him almost wanted to scowl. What came out, however, was a gentle smile, and he fought off the urge to turn away from her. "All I did was cook for you guys," he said, as if he could somehow convince her otherwise. "If you had fun, it was because of everybody else."
"Oh?" She raised an eyebrow, almost teasingly. "And where would we have gotten all that delicious food from, senpai? It wouldn't have been the same without your cooking!" Shinjiro opened his mouth to protest, but she continued instead. "You said there's nothing wrong with making memories," she told him, giving him a knowing look. "I'm glad we all get to have the memory of eating a delicious meal with you."
He almost shook himself. The way she spoke, sometimes, made him think she knew more than she'd let on. He'd considered asking Akihiko before if he'd told her, but he knew that Akihiko would never have betrayed his trust like that.
"Making memories is important," he agreed, wistful. "People can go on as long as they have good things to look back on. They'll be able to go on without being led astray…"
The look on Arisato's face turned a bit wistful, as well. "Yeah, that's true. I think memories keep us going more than the future, anyways."
That wasn't what he'd been expecting to hear, but he couldn't help but agree. "You know, you," he trailed off, shoving his hands deep inside his coat pockets. When he felt the pills, he cringed. "Shouldn't you be doing something else?"
Arisato pushed herself off the wall to face him better. "What do you mean?"
"You shouldn't be with me like this," he tried again, struggling to get his point across. How does one tell the most social person in the universe that she could have better friends? Be spending time making memories with people who she wouldn't have to be left remembering forever? "Don't you have more fun things to do?"
For some reason, she relaxed again at his words. "It's fun being with you," she said, as if it were as simple as that.
Heat rushed into his cheeks, staining them. "Well," he was at a loss. "All right, then." Any conviction he'd had to try and get her to do something more productive with her time was blown out like a candle in the wind. When it came to her, it seemed, Shinjiro was always helpless.
"Is there anything you wanted to do tonight?" Arisato asked, eyes kind. "I'm fine with anything, so don't worry about me."
Sometimes, Shinjiro felt like he was on another planet when she spoke to him. Living on the street for two years had showed him there weren't a lot of genuinely kind people left in the world. The amount of strays with collars was proof enough of that.
Minako was, undoubtedly, different. "Might as well stop by somewhere, since we're already out," he decided on a whim, not wanting to head inside just yet. "You want some ice cream from the convenience store? My treat."
"I don't think I could ever say no to that," she said with a laugh, already starting to walk towards the gate.
Again, that night, he dreamed of her. Mostly of her smile, and her laughing at something he couldn't remember when he opened his eyes in the morning. He groaned into his hands, still lying in bed.
This was really, really not good.
That night, he decided, he'd be the one to take charge for once. "Hey, Arisato," he called out as she walked past, and she turned to face him confused. "Do you mind coming somewhere with me?"
It was a long shot, but maybe, if he put himself in charge of the situation, things might change a little. Maybe instead of dreaming about her, he'd go back to something normal. Or maybe even a dreamless sleep. That sounded like a heaven he wasn't worthy of.
Though he said so with seriousness, Minako perked right up. "Of course!" She said, motioning towards the door. "Lead the way, Shinjiro-senpai."
After the dinner party, at least, the stares they got had changed a bit. Now instead of staring at him whenever they interacted, it had shifted to staring at him when he passed by the kitchen. It wasn't a good improvement, for the most part, but now…
At least, if he smiled at her, he knew she was the only one who would see it.
"Here we are again," he said after a moment, surveying the area he used to spend most of his time in.
Their walk took them to the convenience store again - her treat this time, much to his chagrin -, and then somehow, to the back alley where they had first really interacted. Though it had been a few months, Shinjiro still vividly remembered the way Arisato had acted, the way her red eyes had turned vicious as soon as those punks had laid a hand on Iori.
He hadn't known her then, and hadn't known how strong she was. If he could go back in time and stop himself from stepping in - even if just to watch her go off on all those rats that littered the alleyways at night - he just might've. Something in him still hated the idea of letting such a small person do all the dirty work, but he'd been with her in Tartarus enough times by now.
The little slip of a girl, as his first impression had told him, was a force to be reckoned with.
"That reminds me, I met you here, too," he continued, mulling over that night in his head. "Back then, I never imagined that I'd go back there…"
The ice cream in her hand was gone at that point, only leaving the wrapping it had came in. "I'm glad that you came back," she told him, honesty dripping from her voice.
It was hard to reprimand someone who was so kind to you. Even Shinjiro wasn't that heartless all the time. "I doubt that I'm bringing that much to the team, though."
He didn't meet her gaze, however. Instead, he chose to continue looking around the area.
It was nearly the end of September. In less than two weeks, it would be the anniversary of Ken's mother's death. The murder he committed. If Ken didn't kill him first, those pills surely would.
Arisato had been making him crazy. No matter how many times he reminded himself of that fact, looked at the calendar and felt his blood on his hands when he coughed, there was a part of him - a hidden part - that wanted so badly to stay. To try and fight the inevitable. If only to have more time with this girl, who when he'd first met her, thought nothing of.
He'd even thrown a party. A party for the entire dorm. Had made Fuuka think he'd always be around to help with cooking lessons. Had made the rest of SEES think that it hadn't just been a one time event. That he was like them; a person who could make and keep promises. A person who had a future.
"You're a pain," he said suddenly, turning around to face her again. "You keep messing things up for me. I keep thinking that my life is the way it's supposed to be, but…"
"You're certainly not the first person to call me a pain," Minako snorted, waving her free hand a bit. "But what do you mean?"
"Sheesh," Shinjiro said, trying to figure out if he should look at her while talking or not. "Your face keeps popping up in my head."
"That doesn't sound too bad," she replied, and he could tell just by the way she spoke she had a smile on her face. "Though I'm not quite sure what you mean."
Sheesh. If he thought he was bad at these sorts of things, it seemed she was worse off then he thought. "For a social butterfly, you're pretty dense," he said, and fought the urge to flick her forehead. "Guess we should head back. We actually have a place we can go back to."
Time never waits.
Shinjiro knew this well. Each day, the calendar changed, and it grew closer and closer to October. Closer and closer to the anniversary.
The looks Ken had started giving him told him everything he needed to know. Whether or not the younger boy could handle going through with it, he wasn't sure, but the determination was there. That much was certain, and that was alright with Shinji. It was what he deserved.
He already hurt more and more with each passing day. Shoveling down the drugs had now become a chore instead of a habit. Since he'd started living and working with SEES, he had started using less and less, but he supposed it didn't matter anymore anyways.
The damage had already been done. Most days he practically coughed up his whole lung.
When Minako approached him that day, he was tired. So, so tired, but yet… even if they didn't do anything, being in her company was nicer than he'd ever admit.
"Today," he said, as she waited for him as always, "why don't we just stay here?"
Minako blinked up at him, but nodded. "That's fine by me!"
He gestured towards the sitting room, which was oddly empty that night. Normally the dorm was bustling with the lot of them, but Shinjiro was glad for the change. "Sit over there," he said, already heading over.
The plush chairs almost felt like prisons. Normally, time with Minako was spent comfortably and it almost passed by without him realizing. Maybe it was the change of pace, but she couldn't seem to look at him or open her mouth to start a conversation.
Instead, her face was a bit flushed, and every time he thought he caught her staring at him, she'd hurried look away. He sighed, frowning a bit.
This wasn't what he wanted at all. "C'mon, say something."
"Should I tell a scary story?" She asked, and even though her tone was light, her red eyes sparkled at the thought.
Though he'd gotten to know her pretty well since he'd joined SEES, she was still mysterious in some ways. And most definitely still odd. It was good, in a way, that it hadn't changed. It made her… genuine, he supposed.
"What's up with that?" He questioned in return, but then a thought struck him - back when she and the others had went to that alley, she'd seemed to be interested in them then, too. He shook his head, smiling without realizing it. "Oh yeah. You seemed into ghost stories that first time you went to that back alley, too…" He trailed off, and at her bashful expression, couldn't help but laugh. "Seriously, you're such a kid."
She pouted, but he knew it was in jest. "I am not!" The pout was completely ruined by her laughing with him. "Fine, fine, what do you want me to talk about? School?"
"School?" He shot her a look, to which she rolled her eyes at.
"Well forgive me senpai, but I don't think I've ever seen you there," Minako told him, her red eyes narrowing for just a second. "But I didn't mean about school work. I meant like," she paused, bringing a finger up to her cheek in thought. Subconsciously, his eyes followed it's movement. "My clubs, or something," she finally settled on. "I'm pretty active with the volleyball club for example!"
Truthfully, Shinjiro didn't care about sports at all. Teamwork had never really been his thing, and he got plenty of exercise in Tartarus or when he was living on the streets. It's not like his body was in any condition to be playing them, anyways.
But he couldn't help it. Minako's whole face lit up when she mentioned it, and clearly, she thought there were enough interesting stories to tell him about it if she'd bothered to bring it up. "Lay it on me," he agreed, relaxing into the couch a bit more.
"Okay, so the captain of the team, Rio…"
Shinjiro could listen to her talk all night. It wasn't that startling of a revelation, but it wasn't one he was quite ready for. Her voice wasn't even that soothing - she was often loud, and snorted sometimes in a kind of obnoxious way. More so, though, it just confirmed what he'd been realizing slowly over the last two weeks or so.
The reason he got so warm when she smiled. Why he didn't like the idea of her and Aki being close. Why he wanted to take up more of her time, while at the same time hating himself for it. Why those red eyes had went from off putting to bright.
Why he'd let her talk for two hours about so many different things, without once feeling the need to ask her to stop or change the subject.
It was futile. It was completely pointless to feel this way for anyone, in his position. He couldn't even entertain the idea. Not when it was already the end of September. Not when some days, walking down the stairs took the breath right out of his lungs. Not when… not when he had nothing. No future, no reason to keep going. No drive or motivation.
The first few times they'd hung out, he'd noticed that she lived in a similar manner. Noticed that she seemed to want to get everything done, make sure everything was settled, as quickly as possible. As if she, too, was running from the clock. Running on borrowed times.
But she didn't deserve that fate. Minako deserved so much more. She deserved to live, to be happy and free, and…
Even if he had some sort of a fighting chance, he couldn't tie her down like that. It wasn't right. He was dead weight compared to her.
Shinjiro knew he couldn't exactly stop his feelings. Just in the same way he continuously checked up on Aki throughout the past two years, he knew it was a lost cause to pretend he didn't feel the way he did towards Minako. He couldn't stop them, but acting on them…
He could keep that in his dreams.
"Are you done?" He asked, after she trailed off on her story. A quick glance at the clock told him it was getting late, but just this once, he allowed himself to be selfish. "C'mon, tell me more. Encore, encore!"
It wasn't even just about his feelings for her. Hearing her so full of life, living that life in the way that he never had gotten the chance to… it was something that he didn't know he'd needed. The time that he spent with Akihiko and Mitsuru back then was so far away in his mind, was so different compared to the way that she seemed to live.
She was friends with everyone. And Shinji could tell how genuine it was, too. The way she spoke about everyone, with so much attention to detail and the way her face would morph depending on if she were telling a sad or happy story was telling enough.
And when he was gone, maybe…
Minako grinned at him, and leaned forward into his space just the smallest bit more. "Well, if you're not getting bored, I'm sure I can scrounge something up."
Quickly, Shinjiro shook his head. "Not bored at all," he told her, probably surprising her with how open he sounded. "If you've got more, by all means continue."
For a moment, she didn't respond; just looked at him with those big red eyes of hers. He opened his mouth to urge her on again, but before he could, she continued. "So I'm also in the cooking club with Fuuka, as you know…"
"It sounds like you're enjoying your days," Shinjiro said after she finished talking about all the different foods she'd so far tried to teach Fuuka how to make. "You look best when you laugh." He wouldn't get to be around to see it forever, but he would keep this cherished in his memory forever. "So don't cry, got it?"
Minako tilted her head. "What're you trying to say?"
Figures. He should've guessed she would question him about that. He often said things he didn't mean to around her, he'd noticed. "Just what I said," he said, looking at his hands in his lap.
Hands that would never get to hold hers. Hands that, soon, would be useless even if Ken didn't…
"Shinjiro-senpai?" Minako's voice snapped him out of his reverie, and he looked back up to see her leaning into his space again.
He couldn't find it in him to even pretend he wanted to move away. "I gotta make sure I don't leave anything behind," he explained. "No doubts, no regrets."
On her own chair, Minako's hands twitched. "Leave behind?" Her voice was barely even a whisper.
"I keep telling you what to forget and what to remember," Shinjiro sighed, not answering her at all. "What to want and to not want. I'm selfish, aren't I?" He certainly felt selfish with every moment of her time he took up.
Instantly, however, Minako's hands reached out and grabbed his. "That's not true," she said, squeezing his hands as she did so. They were so warm. "You're not selfish at all, senpai. In fact, I…"
You what? Shinjiro wanted so desperately to ask, but she looked away from him and dropped his hands. "Hey," he said instead. "As long as I'm already being selfish, I want you to do one more thing for me."
"All right," Minako agreed quickly, her eyes meeting his once again.
"You don't have to forgive me," he said, and he almost hoped she wouldn't - for wasting her time, for leaving… "But forgive everything else."
She frowned deeply, eyes searching his for some sort of an answer. He wasn't really sure what she would find in them - or wouldn't find. "What're you talking about?"
He looked away from her, this time, turning his gaze to his hands. Where hers had been for just a moment. "You'll understand later. It should be like this for a little longer. I just want it to be normal."
He smiled a little. Even if she didn't understand, he was taking a page from her book for once. Saying his piece, even if it made no difference in the end.
"Is it getting late?" Shinjiro asked after a moment, searching his pocket out of habit. "Ugh, I forgot that I don't have my watch."
Minako, surprisingly, seemed to know what he was talking about. "Did you lose it?" She replied, looking like the gears were already turning in her head.
He shrugged. "Yeah, I lose it somewhere." It didn't really matter, but he supposed after all the talking she had done that night, he owed her something. "It was a shabby old pocket watch. I got it from someone sometime ago," he trailed off, shaking his time. "Damn it."
Knowing Minako, though, Shinji had a feeling she would go looking for it. If she had better luck then him, it'd be great, but he knew better then to get his hopes up. When she didn't respond, he found himself missing the sound of her voice; even though she'd spent most of the night talking to him.
"So?" He prompted, and she turned her attention back to him. "You have any more?"
"Any more what?"
Doing his best to keep his eyes on her, he shrugged again. "I want to hear what you've got to say," Shinjiro told her. "You've got more stories up your sleeve, right?" Selfish, selfish, selfish. He'd already kept her there most of the night. "Anything's fine."
Smiling at him, she nodded. "Sure, senpai. I'm running low on school stories, so do you mind stuff from when I was younger?"
The tone of her voice had changed into something melancholy, and while he didn't know why it was like that for her, he could understand. "I said anything was fine," he said, giving her a small smile himself. "Go for it."
"If you're sure!" She sat back into the couch, staring up at the ceiling. "Well, when I was really little, I'm sure you can imagine but I was always causing trouble…"
Shinjiro listened to her talk about all sorts of things - childhood memories, stories about her old school and clubs, all the different places she'd lived. He never wanted her to stop, and even when they both eventually parted ways to sleep the last bit of the night away, part of him hoped he'd somehow manage to dream about her talking that night.
She'd been appearing in all his dreams lately, anyways. Might as well have it be something like this. Something tangible, that he could hold on to.
Notes
See you all for one more chapter, whenever that may be! Hope you all are staying safe and remember to not feel bad about not doing much with your time if you're in quarantine, lmao. Sometimes we all need a break, this one just happens to be a forced one pff