Qu'est-ce Que C'est
83. Fratricide
"I want you to kill him," Ozai says before Azula can even take in the news.
Her brother has run off with his delusions of heroism. She does not know if she should grieve or rejoice, but she knows that now she must kill him or she is as useless as him.
"I want to kill him," Azula assuredly replies.
"Can I trust you?" her father asks.
"Yes," Azula promises.
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84. Uxoricide
Azula knows she will be confronted about three skipped training sessions. She has never missed one in her life, and the change in behavior was bound to attract attention. Yet, at the time, she feels no remorse. She does not feel any shame; she takes what she wants.
It is in her blood.
Azula does not know she will be confronted about Ty Lee.
Her father says, as she kneels defenseless before orange flames, "I know about you and your girlfriend. Don't think I don't notice."
"I never tried to hide it from you," Azula says, sitting up too high. He does not beat her down.
"You never told me about it either." He sounds too calm. Ozai is never that calm when he is angry.
"I didn't think it was important," Azula adds. "I was wrong, and I apologize."
He remains unfeeling as he says, "This is not an appropriate time for you to be playing around with some pretty girl. It makes me nervous to see you skipping very important things to be with her."
"I do not think that those training sessions were important while I am awaiting news on Zuko. I thought it was best for me to save my energy." Azula has made that up this instant, in hopes that it will make sense to him. Such a strategy has worked on her father before.
"That isn't something I can agree with. You need to be ready. The Avatar is alive, Zuko is likely spilling secrets in exchange for not being murdered. Dangerous times are not times for adolescent romance."
"I'll break it off," Azula says, but her voice falters. Maybe she should break it off. She does not like who she is when she is with Ty Lee.
"You're lying."
"I mean it." Now she does. Or she thinks she does, at least.
"Good. Because will know if you don't."
Azula is about to leave before she asks, "What did Zuko talk to you about, during the eclipse?"
The throne room falls silent, save for the crackling of flames.
"Nothing. I don't know why you think we spoke at all," Ozai growls.
"If you know about me and Ty Lee, well, sometimes things like that go both ways." Azula will die a thousand terrible deaths for this forwardness.
"Nothing. He whined about a dead woman while no one could punish him for it. It wasn't important or impressive."
"Of course." Azula notices how his tone changes when he says dead woman.
Azula thinks he killed her, and she sometimes thinks she is capable of doing the same.
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85. Patricide
"I'm scared of that," Ty Lee says after Azula approaches her to break it off. She justifies herself by explaining her father's orders. "I'm scared of him. Please don't scare me like that."
Ty Lee does not think that Ozai will stop at making Azula break up with her. But Ty Lee… Ty Lee…
Ty Lee would die a thousand terrible deaths to defend this love, because it is the best thing that has ever happened to her.
"I will scare you however I want to," Azula says and Ty Lee nods.
She just wants Azula to be happy, but she does not tend to succeed.
"… right, right, I know. I'm sorry," she says.
Azula does a 180, as always. "I didn't mean to upset you. If he tries to do anything to you, I will kill him."
"That's really romantic." Ty Lee smiles; it is.
"I know."
Azula shrugs and realizes that she is not going to follow Ozai's orders for the first time in her life.
This cannot be healthy.
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86. Parricide
On a journey to the Boiling Rock, Azula knows the weight of this mission.
Ozai has made it very clear.
"We lose too often for my liking. Ba Sing Se does not negate your previous failures. I will not stand for that at the Boiling Rock," Azula says, pacing in front of her concerned friends. She shakes too much, trembles a bit, does not sound as confident in her words as she usually does. "Say something."
"Oh, uh," Ty Lee says, "yes, princess."
Mai narrows her eyes and Ty Lee wishes that she would not.
"Do you ever wonder about alternate worlds?" Azula asks, catching Mai's gaze. "For example, perhaps there is another world out there in which the exact opposites of us exist?"
"Maybe?" Ty Lee whispers.
Continuing as if she did not hear her, the princess says, "I envy that world's Princess Azula, because she would be sitting in a room with two competent, efficient and useful people."
Ty Lee needs a moment to realize that Azula is talking about her and Mai. She does not know what they have done wrong, but Azula certainly is displeased with them over something. Ty Lee wants to make it better, but she does not know how.
"I take this as a pep talk?" Mai asks.
"I suppose. More of a don't screw up for once talk," Azula says.
Everything has changed. Ty Lee does not know what to do about her racing heart.
"You can trust me. I promise," Ty Lee speaks up.
Azula remains cold despite the rapidly heating air around her.
"Prove it," she says.
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87. Regicide
"Don't look at me. Don't go near me. Don't touch me," Azula orders as a female guard dares to approach her. She is remaining completely calm until she finds an empty room to barricade herself in.
"Of course, your highness," says the woman, and it inexplicably enrages Azula.
"Don't talk to me either. That should have been a given," she snaps.
Azula fears talking because she knows perhaps her voice will shatter and reveal emotion, or her mouth will open and vomit will come out instead of words. Either one seems fairly probable at the moment.
She needs to be alone.
She needs to be alone.
She thought she would never have to be alone.
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Of four things Azula is certain:
88. Pet – Pets run away from home all the time, for reasons unknown to their owners.
89. You – There is no you and I, there is you, and there is me.
90. Cute – Ozai tells her it was cute and fun while it lasted, as if he could understand.
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91. Deicide
Blue is a much more flattering color for the throne room. She intends to keep it that way.
Focusing on fire always helps her to forget. And there is so much she hates to remember.
Someone reminds her not to be reminded of Ty Lee and Azula nearly stabs his eyes out. She doesn't, because she has no reason to be angry. It was evident that she had already forgotten and moved on. Azula had; she knew that she had.
As she picks at her lips until they bleed, she realizes that she is human.
It does not matter that she has a nation, or power, or a divine gift.
She bleeds like any peasant does.
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Of five things Azula is certain:
92. Monsters – People must love monsters; else they would not be in every legend ever told.
93. Heroes – They thought themselves heroes in a world where such a thing does not exist.
94. Villains – They thought themselves villains because they destroyed their goddess, right?
95. Damsels – They thought themselves damsels in distress in order to soothe their consciences.
96. Dragons – People must love dragons; else they would not have killed them.
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97. Tyrannicide
The comet passes. Ty Lee is freed.
Ty Lee hears about what happened from Zuko, and she can tell from his tone that it is even worse than his words let on. She stands in her temporary bedroom, gazing into a mirror and trying to figure out who she is without that princess.
But she ends up trying to figure out how she can fix the horrid thing she has done.
"It's my fault," Ty Lee says to a mirror. "It's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my—"
"It's not your fault." Zuko walks in. He could hear her from the end of the long hallway.
"You don't even know what I'm talking about!" She blinks her tears away and takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry. I'm just a little emotional right now."
"I do know what you're talking about." Zuko saw her face when he told her that she would probably not like to see Azula, and that Azula would definitely not like to see her. "I think it's more my fault than yours."
"No. No, it's not." Ty Lee does not turn away from the mirror. Zuko exists only in the corner of her eye.
"I ran off, I brought her down, I locked her up," the Fire Lord says.
"You and that water girl wouldn't have won if she wasn't already half-gone," Ty Lee says, because she has heard the story and imagines it has been adjusted to be easier on her ears. "More than half gone."
"She was a tyrant and had to be stopped," Zuko loudly protests. "And she won't die, she won't get hurt. My father used her, and he should take the blame."
Ty Lee laughs. "He's a really easy person to peg that on, huh?"
"I guess. You'll… cheer up. You always do." Zuko no longer knows what to say.
"Yeah," Ty Lee whispers, taking another slow breath. She will not cry. "You're right."
Zuko looks too relieved. Maybe Ty Lee is a better actress than she thought she was.
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98. Suicide
It is betraying who she is to take up the Kyoshi Warriors' offer, she thinks at first, but then she realizes she became a different person the moment the door of her cell locked. Choices make people, not mantras or love stories.
Ty Lee thinks she made the right choice, except on some cold, muddy nights, when she wonders what life would be like if she made another.
It is not worth eating herself alive over.
Right?
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99. Genocide
As the months pass, Ty Lee glows again and preaches, "Forgiveness is the best thing ever! Just forgive stuff and people and it's great. It feels awesome."
"Forgiving yourself is pretty hard, though."
"Yes. But it's really possible." Ty Lee beams. "I was really confused after the war, but I forgave everybody and now it's perfect."
"Everyone has their style of transitioning."
"Yeah. I'm totally past who I was and what I was and all of that soldier stuff."
She wanted to tell Azula she forgave her, but then she realized she would beg forgiveness and not receive it. Or that she would die. Or that she would see what she knew she did and no longer be able to believe those who tell her it is not her fault.
The war is behind her. She was not really in love, just like she was not really a murderous Fire Nation conqueror who cheerily aided genocide. That all can be forgotten and set aside so she can embrace the vibrant new person she is.
Everyone forgave her, so she pretends to forgive herself.
It's way harder than she thought it would be, but it's not impossible.
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Of one thing Ty Lee is certain:
100. There is so much to forgive, but Ty Lee does not know how to forget.
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end book one
AN: There's a pretty big time-skip before the next chapter. It will pick up a few years from the last drabble. That's a wrap for the first book. It took me long enough haha.