I Hope You Choke
13. Sunrise
Today smells like the exact moment when spring rots into summer. The sun languidly lifts into the sky as the ghost of a princess returned from the bubble of her honeymoon watches it. Azula does not know what to make of it. She loves the intense sun, loves it all.
She hates her new life, hates it all.
The honeymoon made everything seem like a glorious beginning. She was—is—madly in love with someone and that is wonderous. Azula has a little girl that she will never regret. But this is not the life she wanted and she realizes that the wedding committed her to it.
No, she was already committed to it.
The wedding just made it real.
Last night she dreamed about choking to death. The cold hands on her throat were slick with ice water and gnarled into something alien and strange.
"Are you okay?" asks Ty Lee, smiling so brightly.
Azula does not understand how she is always so happy. She does not understand those lips always twisted into sweet, pretty bliss.
"Why would that be of concern to you?" demands Azula, shooting a glare. Ty Lee does not recoil like she would have once upon a time.
"I'm your wife now. I always worried and cared about you, but now it's my business, I guess." Ty Lee keeps smiling as she walks and sits beside Azula. "It smells so nice out. I love how all the animals are awake. They sing pretty. You sing pretty. When did you last sing?"
"You talk too much," murmurs Azula offhandedly. She still feels those hands around her.
The thing is, she was not afraid in that dream.
She hoped she would choke.
She hoped she would choke.
Ty Lee leans over and kisses Azula on the forehead, nose and lips.
It burns in the sweetest way, flooding the warmth through Azula that the sun somehow lacks.
And the princess thinks about how this was never her dream. It was Ty Lee's dream. It was never what she wanted. A child and a wife and a quaint little life where everyone forgets her name as time drifts by.
She hoped she would choke.
She hoped she would choke.
She hoped she would choke.
14. Sunset
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Ty Lee says, squeezing Azula's hand.
Azula has Izumi on her lap as they gaze at the orange and pink sky. Her daughter's hair smells like sweet mint and half-rotted firelilies. Princess Azula finds it comforting and thinks perhaps her daughter is worth living for.
Maybe the child would be lost without her.
"I want Ty Lee," mutters Izumi, wriggling against Azula.
Ty Lee holds out her arms. Azula cannot bring herself to free Izumi from the prison of her arms, but the teeny tiny girl escapes anyway. She sits on Ty Lee's lap.
Azula has that nightmare again tonight.
When she wakes up, she regrets that she did not choke.
Yet, her little girl is nestled against her after a nightmare. Azula cannot leave her. She just cannot. So, she keeps breathing.
Maybe she will resent Izumi one day for it.
But she keeps breathing.
15. Storm
Thunder crashes, lightning flashes, and Azula closes her eyes to soak up the bliss it brings her. She missed this electricity in the air during the recent prolonged drought.
"Okay, you're upset. Ever since we got back from the honeymoon, you've been really upset," whispers Ty Lee, trying to touch Azula, but her wife pulls away.
"I've just been having this recurring dream," says Azula. "It's been on my mind."
"Do you regret marrying me?" Ty Lee asks and Azula shakes her head. She leans forward and presses her lips fiercely against Ty Lee. As she holds on, she relishes the air slowly leaving her burning lungs. But Ty Lee ends it with a soft, slightly concerned smile on. "Do you?"
"Of course not. I've been… this has been the only stable thing in my life. You and me, since we were little kids. As unstable and broken as we've been… I can always count on wanting you. That never fades," Azula says. "No matter what we do to each other."
Thunder crashes.
"But marrying me is different from loving me. And thank you. Thank you for loving me. I never thought you would and I'm so happy but—"
"I hate this kind of happily ever after. I don't want a cozy house with a daughter and an adoring wife. I don't want to watch every sunset and sunrise pass knowing people are slowly forgetting about me. I wanted people to never be able to forget my name. I wanted to have a true heir. I wanted to marry a queen."
Ty Lee does not know what to say.
She wanted this kind of happily ever after. She wanted the history books to forget about the terrible things she did to the world.
"I love you," is all Ty Lee can manage to say.
Thunder crashes.
Azula turns to watch the storm; she cannot look Ty Lee in the eye.
16. Summer
Azula wakes up with silent tears streaming from her eyes.
She didn't choke.
She doesn't get out of bed.
She just can't.
She doesn't ever want to, not ever again, no matter how much it hurts the confused Izumi and the helpless Ty Lee.
She wanted to choke.
She wanted to choke.
She wanted to choke.
She wanted to choke.
She touches her own hands to her neck. They taught her how to break one, even though she could bend like a supernova at the time.
No one will remember her as the greatest firebender who ever lived.
Someone else will gain that title.
Maybe Azula could break it.
No. She can't, because she remembers why she lives.
Summer rolls in today. She sweats beneath the sheets as Ty Lee sits silently and tries to figure out what encouraging words she has never said to the mentally broken woman she loves.
Azula wishes she had choked.