The Infinite Sadness

17. No Answers

Azula lies half-submerged in the golden bathtub at sunrise. The boiling heat soothes her for at least a few minutes. She thinks about the struggles of motherhood, the struggles of marriage, all the dark thoughts she is too proud to discuss with anyone.

So many painful questions haunt her mind.

And that prideful silence means that she has no answers.

She stares at the ruby studded dragon pattern on the ceiling as she slowly sinks deeper into the water, until the world around her becomes silent and wavy. She lingers there, unable to convince herself to sit up, to breathe.

"Azula?" calls out a muffled voice.

Princess Azula closes her eyes and softly exhales bubbles. She just does not have the strength to move her limbs.

Just as she starts to lose breath, two hands seize her and drag her to the surface.

Ty Lee wordlessly—albeit brow knit, unsmiling—helps Azula to her feet and wraps her in a crimson towel.

She flashes an uneasy smile and kisses Azula's cheek.

The princess just stares forward, shivering slightly in the suddenly brisk air.

18. Worried

"I'm worried about her," says Ty Lee during her breakfast with Mai.

"That might just be the way it goes with her. You chose to marry the dark, twisty, crazy girl," replies Mai so casually that it infuriates Ty Lee. But Ty Lee tries to stay positive; anger is unhealthy for the aura.

"I don't want her head to hurt her, even if she ahs it forever," states Ty Lee. She is surprised at her own vehemence.

Mai frowns. "Do you ever regret loving her."

Ty Lee wants to lie but cannot. She takes a slow, rattling breath and her plastic smile falters.

"All the time. But I love her so much that it doesn't matter," Ty Lee explains softly.

"Love isn't supposed to be this hard."

Ty Lee stands. "I don't care. I've fought too hard for her to give up now."

Mai almost admires her for the perseverance, but mostly just pities her.

19. Tired

Azula blankly stares out of the window with a sleeping Izumi on her lap. Ty Lee very slowly approaches her from behind, trying not to be too fierce, too bold, trying not to destroy the conversation before it begins. Azula looks up at her wife through the corner of her eye.

"Is something wrong?" asks Ty Lee, uncertain what else to do. No one trained her in how to deal with this.

"I'm just tired," breathes Azula, running her fingers through her daughter's dark hair.

Ty Lee steps forward and sits down beside her wife.

"I'm here you know. I'm here and I love you," softly insists Ty Lee.

"I am… confused. I need time," whispers Azula.

Ty Lee desperately wants to remind Azula how much time she has had, but instead wisely keeps her mouth shut.

"I love you anyway," states Ty Lee as boldly as she can while staying quiet enough to not wake up the little girl.

"I… I love you too." Azula thinks she means it.

They knit their fingers together and watch the sun set in silence.

20. Weary

It is a struggle to open her eyes in the morning. But then she looks up and sees a bright face above, gazing at her.

"Your bedhead is really cute," whispers Ty Lee.

"Were you watching me sleep?"

Ty Lee blushes. "Just for a couple minutes."

"I cannot believe I married a weirdo who watches women sleep."

Ty Lee giggles. Azula cannot help but laugh.

"I should wake Izumi," says Azula, standing up, trying to escape the confusing situation.

For a few moments, though, she does not regret not dying in her sleep.

21. Walking Through Fire

Azula punches a flaming blue fist through the palace wall. The old wood collapses easily under her fist and fiery flame. Ty Lee flinches at the sudden sound. Tears stream from Azula's eyes as she keeps her back to her wife.

This sadness, the infinite sadness, has slowly manifested into infinite anger.

"We need to work this out," quietly says Ty Lee, wringing her hands.

"And if I don't want to work this out?" Azula snarls, but Ty Lee cannot be deterred so easily. Kind people are kind because they have seen how cruel the world is; it takes quite a bit to break the optimistic bubbly soul Ty Lee built from ashes again and again.

Azula is lost at sea but Ty Lee will drag the ship back with her bare hands if she must.

Even if it drowns her.

"You can leave, if you need to," says Ty Lee. "You can just disappear again."

"Would you let that go?" Azula snaps ferociously.

"I didn't mean to—"

"Stop acting like you are so innocent?" Azula tears out a chunk of the wall for good measure. She watches it crumble before burning the remnants in her palm.

Ty Lee purses her lips; she knows anything she says will just fuel the fire that she and her wife are walking through. This happens too often and…

"What are you so angry about?" asks Ty Lee.

Azula stares at the smoking dent in the wall and wipes away her tears before she brings herself to turn around. She does not want to look weak. She cannot look weak.

"Nothing. I don't know! You!" Azula stares at her hands. "Myself." She shakes her head. "Myself for—myself for marrying you! I don't… I don't know, okay? Why do I have to know?"

Maybe it is all true; maybe it isn't. Neither Azula nor Ty Lee knows if they made a mistake.

"I should—I should go." Ty Lee softly excuses herself.

And she leaves Azula alone in the smoking rubble.

22. With You

"I'm in this!" Ty Lee stands up a few weeks after Azula's outburst she took out on the wall. There is so much anger. She startles Azula with her sudden scream, sudden anger, forced happiness falling away like autumn leaves from a tree. "I'm in this with you and you can't get rid of me so easily! Not now, not ever. I love you, Azula!"

Princess Azula stares at her wife, dumbstruck. Never once in her life has Ty Lee spoken to her so fiercely. It is out of place on such a brutal night of mixed melancholy and rage. Ty Lee usually just becomes quieter and quieter until the fight fizzles out.

"I don't—"

"Azula, I know you are not well but I made vows to stay with you forever no matter what. I'm with you for better or for worse and so we're going to make this better together. You can't—you can't drive me away no matter how much you want to! You're my best friend and my wife and I never got over you. I'm never gonna get over you."

"Ty Lee…"

They stare at each other for a long while.

Azula does not know what to say.