Dallas, Texas

"Fat, useless and quite frankly, sick of being pregnant", clapping her hand over her mouth in embarrassment as she realised that she had actually voiced her thoughts aloud, Sue Ellen looked at her mother-in-law and blushed. There was no way Miss Ellie's general, "how are you feeling today?" query was one that was really, honestly asking her to explain her innermost thoughts and she was highly embarrassed that she'd allowed herself to respond in such a casual manner. What fed her embarrassment the most though was that in expressing her honest feelings, she had given an answer that made her look bad, because even though the way she felt probably wasn't uncommon amongst women in her condition, it definitely wasn't what was promoted in society as what she should be feeling. Although she knew she shouldn't allow her fear of coming off as socially impolite to impact on her every decision, knowing and actually doing tended to be two different things and in this case, she felt guilty for showing herself as anything other than what she was expected to be. Her mother had taught her to be too self-aware and if she wasn't careful, she tended to take her analysing and scrutinizing to the extreme, causing her self-esteem to drop, and right now, she couldn't afford to lose any more self-esteem. Of course, she was waiting in excited anticipation to meet her baby, but it couldn't come quick enough as far as she was concerned; nearing the end of her third trimester wasn't at all the blissful pregnancy experience she had been hoping for and she couldn't wait to finally just have her baby with her, outside of the womb.

At first a little taken aback by Sue Ellen's honesty and lack of her usual high regard for social politeness, Miss Ellie then let out a small laugh as she processed her daughter-in-law's words and empathised with her, "don't be embarrassed; remember, I have three sons, I know exactly how you're feeling". Patting Sue Ellen's hand lightly as a sign of camaraderie and empathy, she knew she had to make sure that Sue Ellen didn't feel too bad about herself and didn't blame herself for having certain thoughts and feelings. It was completely normal for her to be tired, frustrated and uncomfortable at this point in her pregnancy, she was almost thirty-seven weeks pregnant, she really could go into labour any day now and she was allowed to wish that it would happen sooner rather than later. Although Sue Ellen was tall, she was usually slender and toned, so it had to be physically draining for her to be thirty pounds heavier than usual; and on top of the physical frustration, her hormones were probably going crazy, she needed someone to tell her that she wasn't alone and wasn't wrong to feel the way she did. "Firstly, you're not fat, you're pregnant, there's a difference; there's a baby growing inside of you and that baby needs you to gain a healthy amount of weight so that it can be healthy, so please, don't start thinking that you'll look this way forever or it's something you did wrong. Your doctor isn't concerned and you shouldn't be either. Secondly, you're not useless, it's completely natural for you to feel tired and slower than usual, your body is growing another human, it has to work hard to do that. Your only job right now is to make sure you take care of yourself properly, so that you and the baby are both healthy at the end of this process. Leave everything else up to JR or me, we'll help you with whatever you need or want and you don't need to feel bad about it. As for being sick of being pregnant, I completely understand how you're feeling, but at least try to think of the positive side; you're already a mother, but once the baby is born, you and JR will never be a family of two again. Please make sure you enjoy these final few weeks of your pregnancy, it'll mean a lot to you in the future". Giving her another little pat on the hand, Miss Ellie smiled at her daughter-in-law and hoped that at least some of what she was saying would sink in and change the way she was thinking and feeling. A lot of Sue Ellen's problems stemmed from the fact that she'd grown up with a mother who didn't tolerate imperfection and was overly critical of small details, and for Sue Ellen, not having a lot of same-age friends to reaffirm that she wasn't crazy for feeling the way she did often meant that her self-consciousness was destructive. So, although they were decades apart in age, Miss Ellie felt that she not only had a responsibility to Sue Ellen as a mother-in-law, she should also make sure to help her as she would any other friend and that meant occasionally giving her a reality check, but mostly just supporting her.

Listening to Miss Ellie's words of encouragement and slight chastisement, Sue Ellen understood what she was saying and she could see that she may not be acting totally maturely; however, what Miss Ellie's words didn't change was how she was actually feeling. No matter how much she was reminded that her body was working overtime to support two lives, she couldn't help but wish that it would be over soon; she was more than ready to meet her baby and selfishly, she was ready to start working on getting her old body and energy back. They'd hired a baby nurse for her own peace of mind about having someone qualified to deal with anything that she didn't know how and to make sure that there was always someone available to look after the baby if she needed to go to a DOA meeting or some other commitment. Therefore, in knowing that she would have the time, she had planned and scheduled everything, at least as much as she could, babies didn't exactly work on a schedule, even she knew that. Her doctor insisted that she and JR needed to abstain from practicing their conjugal rights for six weeks postpartum, to allow her body time to heal from the birth process, so she had decided that she would use those six weeks of mandated celibacy to try as hard as possible to get herself back into shape for the big night. It sounded completely selfish, she knew that, so she'd purposely refrained from discussing it, however, although it sounded selfish, it wasn't entirely a self-centred action; yes, she wanted to feel good about her appearance again and she wanted to feel healthy and fit again, but she also wanted JR to find her attractive and desirable. She wasn't stupid, she knew that JR had initially been interested in her for her looks, he had approached her at the Miss Texas pageant knowing nothing more about her than her name and college and that there was some unspoken chemistry between them, though she wasn't sure that that chemistry was independent from appearance. She felt partially responsible for making sure that he never had an excuse to cheat again and to her, that meant making sure she was exactly what he wanted and expected, both personality and appearance wise. Her mother was superficial and had taught her to prioritise certain things over others and even knowing that it probably wasn't entirely right wasn't enough to stop her thinking that way. She was aware that it was a pretty twisted idea, that her husband wouldn't love her if she weren't the same woman physically, that he had originally married, but she wasn't going to take a chance to test his love; she wanted to look good for herself and her husband and she didn't want anyone telling her otherwise. Alongside her low self-esteem was her annoyance at the way time seemed to be passing slowly; it felt as if she had been pregnant for years, not months and she was beyond ready to stop being an expectant mother and start being a mother. They'd purchased everything they needed months ago, so she'd been staring at a completed nursery for a long time, waiting and counting down the days until she could finally start calling it '_'s room', not simply, 'the nursery'. She couldn't wait to meet her baby and it was beginning to get on her nerves that she had to wait; she was spoiled by JR's wealth, it meant that she could get almost anything immediately, so to have to wait so long for her child was difficult, she wasn't used to waiting. Leaving her thoughts in her head, she simply smiled and nodded at Miss Ellie, "I understand what you're saying, thank you for listening to me and being here for me. I really do appreciate everything you do for me", she didn't feel like embarrassing herself any more than she already had by voicing her inner thoughts, so instead, she guided the topic of conversation in a more positive direction. She was being truthful in what she said though, because Miss Ellie had really been the one constant positive throughout her pregnancy and she had a feeling that she wouldn't be half as sane as she was now if it hadn't been for her caring and necessary interference.

To be continued…