Dallas, Texas

"Darlin', please open the door, I can't help you if you won't talk to me", sighing to himself, JR tried his hardest to be the loving and supportive husband he wanted to be, even if it was getting increasingly more difficult. It had been almost a month since their son was born and although he understood that she wasn't medically cleared to be completely intimate with him, he was still a man with needs and she wasn't the only one who was having issues. She almost never spoke about it, but from what she did say and what he gathered from her actions, she wasn't mentally in a place where she felt completely comfortable doing other things, things that by definition were intimate; even if he reassured her that she was attractive and he wouldn't be disappointed, she still didn't believe him. He didn't know what had changed; she was still an excellent, attentive mother and when they were speaking about normal, everyday things, everything was good between them, but anytime he tried to take things further, she clammed up and shut him down. He didn't want to imagine her with any other man, but the way she often closed herself off to his advances reminded him of when they were first dating and he had wondered how her previous boyfriends dealt with her apparent prudishness. From what he understood, she hadn't quite recovered her self-esteem about her physical appearance and he would always respect that if she didn't want to give herself to him in such a way that she didn't have to, but he couldn't help but be frustrated at the way she was going about it. Kisses were now chaste and if they turned passionate, she ended them before he got to a point where undressing was expected; she no longer changed clothes in front of him and even in her unconscious sleep state, she didn't snuggle as close to him as she had in the past. It wasn't just about her anymore, now he was beginning to wonder what was wrong with him, and on top of his thoughts, the physical frustration of being without the intimate company of a woman for so long was beginning to get to him. He'd never been good at finding enough satisfaction in only his own actions and in the past, he hadn't had to, but now, with his new commitment and want to be a good husband and father as well as the consequences of him digressing from that path, the frustration was beginning to build. He wasn't going to ask her to do anything she was uncomfortable with, but he couldn't help but feel a little annoyed that she was so opposed to so much. The selfish part of him was beginning to question whether she really wanted to be a good wife, because there was a very simple thing she could do for him, one she didn't have to take her clothes off for. Realistically, he knew that her issues were probably a lot deeper than the physical self-consciousness and she probably wasn't thinking straight right now and it wasn't fair to get upset with her, but sometimes he did find himself slipping into a more selfish state of mind, where his needs were number one. At the moment though, he was genuinely concerned; he'd simply kissed her as a sign of his love for her, without intent to push her further and even without any physical prompting, she had reacted in such a way that seemed extreme, locking herself in the bathroom and breaking down in tears as soon as the door closed.

"I… I'm so confused, I'm sorry JR… please, just give me some space", mumbling a few words in between her sobs, Sue Ellen wanted nothing more than for him to simply listen to her request and give her a little time to think. In her everyday life, her state of mind was rational and empathetic toward other people's feelings, however, right now, she couldn't remove herself from focusing on her own thoughts, feelings and fears. It wasn't that she was afraid of him hurting her or really pressuring her into anything she specifically objected to, but it did scare her that what she did give him would be a disappointment to him and he wouldn't see her in the same way he did in the past anymore. Her self-esteem about her appearance had dropped dramatically after her first week of working out and it was hard for her to come back from that. She had never imagined that exercising would be so difficult after having a baby, and coupled with the dissatisfaction she felt at the results of her efforts, almost three weeks after starting, she was having a hard time believing her husband when he said that his feelings for her hadn't and wouldn't change. He was a man and if her mother were correct about anything, it was that men were very visual creatures; he may enjoy her carrying a little extra weight in her chest and while pregnant, he may have found her growing abdomen cute, but now, she couldn't bring herself to willingly allow him to appreciate her body as it was. She wasn't comfortable with her appearance and she couldn't see how he would be either, it just didn't make sense.

He'd scared her a little tonight; they'd been out for dinner with the family and everything had been good, she enjoyed spending time with him and she enjoyed being part of a large family when everyone was happy; after dinner, they'd returned home, spent a little time with John Ross and then retired to their bedroom. That was where things started to get to her; he'd closed the door, kissed her and she'd enjoyed it, but in the back of her mind, she knew that he wanted more and even if he hadn't made any moves toward that 'more', she'd seized up and cut him off before he even started. She knew where it was heading and she just couldn't bring herself to actually go there. Doctor Krane had said that although she wasn't physically ready to resume their intimate relationship again and she should avoid anything that neared the point of no return, it wasn't forbidden for she and JR to resume some intimacy in their relationship, as long as she was comfortable. That was the problem though, she wasn't comfortable and it was a bigger issue than anyone expected it to be. She'd had it in her mind that six weeks after birth, when she was 'allowed' to give herself to him again, it would be a big deal and it would be the perfect evening; the reality of the situation now though didn't bode well for that evening that was quickly approaching. She wanted to look good and feel good about herself before presenting herself to him and right now, nothing was going that way; it was all wrong and when things went wrong, she often had no idea how to deal with them, exactly like how she felt now. In a moment of sanity, realising that even if her feelings were legitimate, it wasn't helping the situation to ignore JR, she unlocked the door and allowed him to enter, though she couldn't stop her tears from flowing. She really couldn't verbalise how she was feeling, not to herself and not to her husband, but instead of questioning her and pushing her for answers like he instinctively wanted to, JR simply accepted things as they were for the moment and pulled her to him, lovingly and not at all in expectation of gaining anything more from her. He really didn't understand her sometimes, but from years of experience, he knew that she often lacked feeling loved and wanted and the biggest thing he could do for her was to help her feel both of those things. She may have changed for the better in becoming a mother and she may have been getting stronger, but she wasn't immune to feeling vulnerable and sad and his job was to help her to feel better, however she needed. He would eventually get answers, but now wasn't the time for hard questions.

To be continued…