Dallas, Texas

"You mention elementary school, tell me about that…" prompting her and hoping she didn't close herself off again, Doctor Williams waited for her to gather her thoughts and speak. "Nothing specifically. You asked about pressure and I answered; that's really all there is. I don't believe my time in elementary school has much relevance to who I am now", feeling defensive and a little annoyed at herself for revealing something about her childhood that she didn't particularly want to dwell on, especially not with someone who was basically a stranger, Sue Ellen hoped that he got the hint and moved on. "Really?" raising an eyebrow, Doctor Williams shook his head slightly, "I don't think you honestly believe that. It must have had some impact on you; otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned it", giving her a questioning look, he waited for what he now expected to be a somewhat annoyed and snarky response, though none came. "My mother, she's very… high-handed…" pausing as she reflected on her relationship with her mother, Sue Ellen then continued to speak, if she really wanted to move past her issues, then she needed to verbalise them, she understood that. "She and my father never got along, she didn't think he was enough and she wasn't happy with what he did give, and to be fair to her, being a mother myself now, I can see where she was coming from; he really wasn't there for us very much. That being said though, she wasn't exactly practicing what she preached either. She wanted me to have better and she was determined that I would have it, to a point where everything was a competition, whether I wanted it to be or not. I had to be the best, but I also had to be the prettiest and the most appealing. I was set to be Miss Texas and Mrs JR Ewing from the moment she found out I was a girl; she threw herself into pushing me into the life she desperately wanted for herself but failed to attain and I always knew it…" Looking directly at Doctor Williams, she then spoke slower than she had been, "so yes, I suppose you're right; elementary school did have an impact on me, not so much the actual schooling, but everything else. The pressure to be more, to have more and to always want more was immense; I never really had a childhood, especially after Kristin was born…" she found herself getting lost in memories of the past and only when Doctor Williams spoke aloud did she snap back into the present again.

Still surprised at how openly she was speaking, Doctor Williams gave her another prompt; he was interested in finding out about the birth of her younger sister, however, first, he wanted to know about the obviously somewhat present, but hardly mentioned father in her life. "You speak a lot about the way your mother controlled your life and briefly mentioned her relationship with your father, but you didn't mention his role in your childhood. Where was he when all of this was happening? Surely your mother was not the head of the household? Society was much different to how it is today", curiously, he questioned her and again hoped that she didn't get offended and shut down; this was insightful and even if it wasn't directly related to the problem she had come to him to fix, the more he knew, the better he believed he could help her. "My father… he was there, but not really. The most vivid thing I remember about my daddy was the smell of liquor on his breath and honestly, I think that says it all. He left us right after Kristin was born; he probably couldn't handle my mother or the pressure of being a father again, but he also couldn't handle life, at least not to the extent my mother expected from him and I wanted from him. I guess it was a year later mama got a letter saying he was dead", wistfully, she felt a pang of regret at not being able to really describe her father, but remembering something JR had told her a long time ago, she decided not to dwell on it. She was the child in their relationship, it wasn't her responsibility to manage the situation and make sure that he was there for her and acting like a responsible adult and no matter how much she thought about how little things could have changed it, it was what it was and it wasn't her fault.

"I'm sorry", giving his condolences, even if they were over a decade late, Doctor Williams gave her a weak smile and was pleased when she nodded and didn't appear to be too wrapped up in her memory to continue, they really were making progress today. "You mentioned that you didn't have much of a childhood and I think I have a relative understanding of why, but you also mentioned that it got worse after the birth of your sister. Do you think that was because of her presence or because of the lack of your father's presence?" it occurred to him that to get a better insight, he'd be better off speaking to her mother, but as the issue of her childhood wasn't really the main focus of their sessions, he didn't see it as necessary just yet. Once again surprised at the direction he was taking their conversation, Sue Ellen took a moment to think about his question, it was an interesting query, one she wasn't entirely sure of the answer herself. "Both I suppose. My mother isn't incompetent, she knows how to keep a baby alive and stimulated, but there's also a point where one person isn't enough. I lacked a childhood for one reason, but I lacked a good teenage experience for another. My father's absence put pressure on us financially and socially and after he died, my mother really threw herself into making me the future banker. She never should have married my father, she had so many ambitions and she knew exactly what she wanted; she wanted to be the wife of a wealthy man and when she didn't end up that way, she was miserable and it carried over into the way she acted as a wife and mother. I didn't necessarily have to parent my sister physically, but I was the second adult in our house after she was born, even if I was only a teenager myself. I followed my mother's orders; I did pageants, I modelled, I took etiquette classes and socialised with all the right people and in the end, it did all work out the way she had planned, I did marry a wealthy man and she and my sister are relatively well supported by my connections. However, I didn't really choose any of this; I was young and controlled and there was a lot of pressure to be perfect and do everything and until a few years ago, I did do everything". Sighing to herself as she realised just how controlled her life had been and that if she had been in control, she probably never would have even met JR and she would definitely be a very different person now; she then found herself wondering how she felt about that. She loved her life now and even back when she was a young girl, she'd always wanted a family of her own, but if she hadn't followed her mother's path, she wouldn't have the family she did now and perhaps she wouldn't have been happy like she was now. It wasn't something she could change, but that didn't stop her from questioning it.

Sensing that their conversation was heading in a direction different to where he had originally intended, Doctor Williams made a mental note to come back to her childhood, but directly asked her about something she had mentioned a few times now; "that must have been hard. Everyone needs to have some independence and space to make decisions, even if it is in a controlled environment", nodding and pausing for a moment, he then spoke again, "you mentioned the events of your early marriage a few times. What specifically happened to you that made you feel like you were under pressure, pressure that you no longer had the power to overcome with your own actions…" he couldn't quite work out what she was hinting at, but as soon as she said it, it clicked. "Children", looking directly at the doctor, she felt as if she didn't need to say much more, it was a topic that really explained itself. Letting out an audible sigh, Doctor Williams was surprised by his own surprise; of course a young married woman wanted children and it made total sense that she would feel hopeless and disappointed when she couldn't simply work hard to make it happen, even a normal person without the controlled childhood she had had would feel that way. "I'm sorry…" pausing for a moment as he took everything in, he realised that it wasn't helpful to her to dwell on her past disappointments, especially when everything in the present pointed toward her no longer feeling that way about that particular issue. "I can imagine that much have been very difficult for you. I'd like you to remember though that whatever you felt during that time was completely legitimate and real, you are allowed to feel disappointed and upset, it's not a crime and no one can tell you that you are wrong for feeling the way you do, or did. I do have to wonder though, what are you worried about now? Because earlier in our session, when you first explained your life, you mentioned that you're a very proud and happy wife and mother. What is it that you're having strong negative feelings about now?" looking at her, he knew that this was something she was dealing with now, not in the past, it was a current issue and that made it more difficult for her to verbalise what she was feeling. However, from the look on her face and the fact that they'd had a surprisingly insightful session so far, he didn't doubt that she had the words, she just needed a little time to think of them. Luckily, they still had another 25 minutes left of their current session though and with the way she was opening up, he didn't think it would be too difficult to get her to return for another session, or two, three, four etc. She clearly had a lot of issues and even if she was a little reluctant to talk at first, she now appeared a little more comfortable with him and the general idea of their therapy. He was there to help her and she needed his help.

To be continued…