Dallas, Texas

"…and now every time I look at myself in the mirror or look through the racks at clothing stores I shopped at pre-pregnancy, I feel like crying, sometimes I do cry… it's also affecting my relationship with my husband, I cringe every time he approaches me in an intimate sense, even sometimes just in a general sense. It's an automatic response though, not something I'm purposely doing and I feel horrible doing it to him, because he has given me so much and I want to give him things, but I can't bring myself to actually do it. I'm not happy with myself and I know, no matter how much he says otherwise, I know he'll be disappointed with me and I couldn't bear having real confirmation that he felt that way or giving him something solid to push him toward being with other women again…" Spilling a few of her inner thoughts, Sue Ellen looked down at the glass of water in her hand; she couldn't make eye contact with him, it was embarrassing to think that a total stranger now knew so much about her life and marriage. She wasn't usually this open and she was beginning to regret getting so comfortable with his questions; she couldn't imagine that JR would be happy with anyone knowing that they were having real intimacy issues or her mother being happy that she was detailing the less than ideal upbringing she'd had. "Why do you feel that way?" hearing her explain how she felt, Doctor Williams had a fair idea of the reasons behind her thoughts, but as the point of their sessions was for her to make her own discoveries, he needed her to do just that and tell him why she felt and acted the way she did.

Snapping out of her embarrassment and into a state of semi-annoyance and anger, Sue Ellen spoke sharply, "I'm sorry, was I not clear enough for you? I just gave you more details about my life than I've ever told a complete stranger before and to be honest I really don't feel like giving any more explanations. If you can't understand why I feel the way I do, then perhaps we should end this right now, because you're obviously not a very good therapist". Used to patients getting heated in their sessions, Doctor Williams didn't allow her upset to ruin his mood and he remained calm as he spoke, "no, it's not that you weren't clear enough for me; I understood exactly what you were saying. However, you didn't answer my question", noticing the confused look she was giving him, he decided that an explanation was probably what she needed. "The crying, crazy diet and exercise, extreme self-consciousness and withdrawal from an intimate relationship with your husband are all symptoms of a bigger issue, they're not all separate things, independent of each other, they are all connected to each other in one way or another. I asked you to tell me why you feel the way you do and you gave me an answer that bypassed answering the question. So again, I pose the question to you; why do you feel the way you do? What is at the root of your thoughts and actions, because there has to be something, there has to be, these things do not just happen for no reason. I want you to identify and isolate the root cause and then together, we'll work on a way to eliminate the connection between the thoughts and actions", looking her in the eye as he spoke, he knew she understood what he was asking now.

Still feeling a little angry, Sue Ellen found herself listing off her thoughts again; "the root cause? The root cause has to be the irreparable damage my mother did to me in always controlling and criticising everything about my life and myself. I never learned to deal with things when they didn't go my way, because for the most part, they always have. I couldn't control my father's actions, but I was never expected to. What I was expected to do was be perfect though and you know what? That's impossible. I can't always be the best, the thinnest, the prettiest, the most desirable et cetera et cetera. I can't control what other people do, think or say and as much as I would like to control the way my body works and responds to the efforts I put forth, it doesn't and won't always work that way. As Doctor Krane has explained to me before, not all women's bodies are biologically programmed to snap back into shape straight away and it's not a failure to be one of those women. I know all of that, but that doesn't stop me from having the thoughts I have. I cannot stop myself from hearing my mother's voice every time I see myself in the mirror or try on an item of clothing and I cannot break away from the feeling of fear she instilled in me that I am my appearance; if I'm not the beautiful, elegant Miss Texas or Mrs JR Ewing, then I am no one. It still gets to me every time I see or think about the way I am now; although I'm expected to be polite and personable, those things don't guarantee me a good future, one of prosperity and happiness with my husband. I want to be a good wife and mother and I want to be happy with myself and who I am, but I can't, I have too many thoughts and other feelings running through me to just ignore those things in favour of what I want to feel". Looking at him as she teared up, she gratefully accepted the box of tissues he handed to her, because as hard as she tried to keep her feelings from appearing physically, she wasn't strong enough and eventually the tears began to fall.

Making a note that as well as working through her childhood in more detail, they also needed to work on her deep-seated self-esteem issues and her believed dependency on her husband for her happiness and prosperity, Doctor Williams then allowed her to release her emotions in her tears for a moment before speaking. "Firstly, I'm very pleased to hear that you're aware of so much, both the good and the bad, and I want you to know that I plan on helping you to move past those feelings, or at very least, help you to learn some ways of dealing with future situations like this. I'd also like to ask you something though, something I think you desperately need to consider. Has anyone ever told you that if you're worrying about being a good mother, then you probably are one? You've already moved past the major roadblock that a lot of women face, you're not in denial of any issues, you understand that something is wrong and you're actively seeking help for it. You want to see yourself doing and being a better person than you currently think you are, that is something to be proud of; even if that doesn't quite make sense to you right now, in the future, it will. You're here, you have a clear idea of what you want and I know it may come as a surprise to you, but I honestly believe that you're very much capable of everything and anything you want to achieve, emotionally, I mean. That is an excellent place to begin and I don't plan on discharging you from my care until you have reached a level where these things are not a primary concern to you anymore. I want it, you want it and I'm sure your family want it too". Deciding to wait on broaching the subject of having her mother and husband come in for one of their sessions at some point in the future, he gave her the encouragement and validation he believed she needed right now. He then made a few more comments encouraging her to really think about what Doctor Krane had said and then gently ended their current session. It was an odd thing for him to see, she knew what her doctor had told her was true and in a way, she accepted it, but when applying those truths to her own life, she appeared to have trouble. He wanted to help her to become a more comfortable and confident woman first and foremost and with being comfortable with herself, he hoped that she would also learn how to feel better about herself as a wife and mother. He anticipated that it would take a while, she obviously had a lot of issues and they went back almost as far as she could remember, but with the right techniques and strategies, he was confident that he could help her in the way she needed and she would be able to help herself in the future. "Thank you Doctor Williams, this was… liberating", in a way, she had been annoyed that she was the one spilling all of her personal thoughts and he'd really just listened, questioned and nodded, but in a funny way, it was also helpful. It was nice to just talk and not feel as if she had to censor herself out of fear of personally offending or hurting him; he had assured her that the Hippocratic Oath bound him fairly tightly in what he could and could not say about their sessions to anyone and the reassurance of almost total confidentiality was comforting. Stepping out of his office, she actually felt as if she had benefitted from their time together, despite the fact that it had been an unpleasant walk down memory lane for the most part, and walking down the hall and out of the building, she accepted her feelings completely on face value, not stopping to question and analyse them. Perhaps it wasn't such a terrible idea to allow someone more qualified to help her, perhaps it was exactly what she had needed years ago.

To be continued…