Dallas, Texas

"You seem distracted today. Is there something you would rather talk about?" observing her oddly distant demeanour and noticing her running a finger around the rim of her glass of water, Doctor Williams knew there was much more on her mind than her relationship with her husband. "I'm sorry", apologising for her short answers and inattentiveness to their conversation, Sue Ellen hoped that he wasn't angry with her, she really should have been paying attention and hated to be seen as rude. "It's ok, I'm not upset. I would like you to let me in on your current thoughts though, because they're clearly worrying you", noticing the way she reacted to his question, he knew he had to reassure her that he wasn't upset with her, just concerned. She put too much pressure on herself to appear proper and perfect all the time, but she didn't need to and although he couldn't be there in her everyday life to remind her of that, he could at least do it in their sessions. Sighing sadly and regretfully, Sue Ellen spoke, "it's my son", looking down at her glass of water as she thought about her vulnerable, delicate little boy, she held back tears. John Ross was so tiny and dependent and in hindsight, it pained her to know that she had left him at home to go away for a romantic weekend with her husband and now again had left him at home to attend a therapy appointment. She so desperately wanted to be a good mother but even with everyone telling her that she was and in good times, feeling that she was, she still questioned whether she really, truly was. Would a good mother really leave her six-week-old son for two days so that she and his father could spend a little time alone together in peace? It sounded so selfish when she repeated it back to herself, even if it had felt like the right thing to do at the time. Coming home from Aspen, she and JR had been happy and excited to live their lives again, but hearing the distressed sounds of her son had brought reality to their actions and she felt like a terrible mother for doing such a thing. In the three days they had been home, she had made a point of sticking by his side for as much of that time as she could, only sleeping when he slept at night and only leaving him alone with the baby nurse for a couple of hours while she attended the obligatory family meals. She'd intended on easing herself back into her charity work this week and DOA meetings in the next few weeks, but right now, outside obligations were the last thing on her mind. First and foremost, she was John Ross' mother and she wanted to make sure that she was a good mother to him before adding anything else to her plate.

Doctor Danvers had assured she and JR that his fussiness and apparent distress was normal for an infant his age, something about six week regression, growth spurts and his mental development now making him more aware of the world around him, opening the door to him being overwhelmed by the sights and sounds present. Despite hearing from a trusted doctor that her son was fine, developing quite healthily and all they could do was try their best to make sure his needs were met and use trial and error to find out which sounds, visuals, actions, movements etc. calmed him, she still felt guilty. It was irrational to believe that her leaving for two days had somehow caused him to react more severely to the changes he was going through, but in moments of self-blame, she didn't think particularly rationally. Sighing to herself, she began to verbalise her thoughts and feelings; Doctor Williams had proven helpful in the past and she was warming up to trusting his perspective and opinions. Even if he couldn't absolve her of her guilt, only she had the power to do that, he could at least provide her with a few encouraging comments and possibly some helpful tips on how to deal with her overwhelmingly negative feelings about herself. She wanted to be a good mother and she honestly believed that she was a good mother most of the time, but when things happened that in hindsight seemed like a bad idea, she began to question whether she really was a good mother; a good mother wouldn't willingly have left her child as easily as she had, would she?

"…and if I overlooked his needs in favour of my own, then am I really any better than my own mother?" almost in tears as she spoke, Sue Ellen verbalised her self-doubt and self-blame, causing Doctor Williams to sigh as he handed her the box of tissues and attempted to break her spiralling thoughts. Giving her a few moments to collect herself after his first few soothing comments, he then tried a more stern approach, "stop"; the harshness in his voice was enough to pause her sobbing for a moment and cause her to look up at him. "You are not your mother, you cannot change the past and you must stop thinking in a way that allows for constant comparisons", giving her a look as if challenging her to challenge him, he paused for a moment before speaking again. "You didn't ignore or neglect your son's needs, you didn't even know and by all accounts, he is behaving perfectly normal for a child of his age, so you need to relax and allow yourself to see it for what it is, not what you imagine it to be. There is a fine line between being a dedicated parent and being an obsessive parent and although I cannot definitively tell you where that line is, as time progresses, you will learn what this means for you and your family. You must remember though that it is neither practical nor wise to dedicate one hundred percent of your time to your son and you also deserve to be able to do things for yourself. I'm not saying that you should be selfish, but John Ross is not the only person the world and you are allowed to do things for yourself every once in a while; it's not a crime and putting yourself down as if it is does nobody any good. As for your mother, I want you to practice active thought with that too; not everything that happens to you can be related back to something your mother did or does and you do not have to let her control your thoughts and feelings. She had her own challenges as a parent, but those challenges are not yours to analyse, not unless you are both here and actively working to overcome the consequences of those things. I want you to stop thinking of yourself and your actions in terms of you mother and start thinking about them as they actually are. You organized for your son to be in the care of family, you left him after an appointment where he was given a clean bill of health and from which he was acting like his regular self; you were gone for a maximum of thirty hours and when you returned, you then spent the next few days by his side. You are not a terrible mother and his fussiness is not your fault; you didn't know and if you had known, you would have done things differently, but that is not something to feel guilty or blame yourself for now". Looking at her again, he softened his expression, "please, take a minute to consider the facts and stop laying blame where none lies". His patient had a lot of deep-seated self-esteem issues and he was beginning to wonder how much he could really do for her. On a conscious level, she knew and understood that she couldn't change the past and wasn't responsible for anyone's actions but her own and even then, some things just happened, there was no blame to lay, however, on an emotional level, that didn't seem to compute.

"But…" unable to voice her thoughts articulately Sue Ellen paused. It made sense, she did need to stop thinking of her ability to be a mother in comparison to her own mother's ability, because they weren't the same and it made little sense to always relate everything back to her own mother. She also knew that it wasn't her fault that John Ross was naturally developing and reacted to those changes in a distressed manner, but knowing and feeling were two different things and she didn't know how to voice her inner feelings or change the way they occurred to her. There was an immense amount of guilt inside her for things she knew she didn't need to feel guilty about, but even by actively telling herself that she hadn't consciously left her distressed son at home to go have fun and despite her unaware actions, she hadn't permanently damaged him, she still felt guilty. "I just want him to be happy and healthy and it makes me feel awful to know that perhaps I could have saved him from some of his distress if I had been here. It pains me to see him suffer and it pains me to think about my own actions contributing to his suffering", knowing that he was going to tell her that there was no way to know what 'could have been', she wasn't surprised when he spoke. "Mhm, yes, theoretically, your maternal presence could have saved him from some distress, however, there is no way of knowing and if the biology of his natural development is in any way responsible for his behaviour, which I think we can safely assume is the case, whether you were there or not is not a major issue. As I said earlier, you cannot change the past; you can reflect and take into account past occurrences when making present and future decisions, but you cannot change what has already happened. You were not responsible for your son's distress and you cannot take responsibility or change it now. All you can do is move on and try to be a good mother, which you appear to be doing. Quality over quantity; John Ross needs a happy, confident mother in his life and you can be that mother, the minimal hours you spend away from him are less meaningful in the long-term as long as you make the hours you are with him really count. Be happy with yourself, be happy with your situation and try to live in the now, not the past or the future and you'll find yourself becoming the mother you want to be; it's all about your attitude and the quality of your actions. You love your son and other than meeting his basic physiological and safety needs, love is what he really needs right now". Looking at her sincerely as he spoke, he hoped that she really listened to and understood what he was saying, because he didn't know how many more different variations of the same thing he could say to her before he ran out of words or her maternal abilities and instincts started to regress. She had the power to be different, more confident and feel less guilty; she just needed to believe it.

Feeling the tears flowing again, Sue Ellen nodded, she could try, but she didn't know how successful she would be. She felt trapped in her negative thought-space and even with all the encouragement in the world, she knew it was up to her to change her life; she really lacked the self-confidence to believe she was really capable though and that worried her. "I'll try", mumbling the words, she then felt the tears begin to flow more steadily; she really would try, but still, the fear of failing and ending up in a place where her son thought of her as she thought of her mother, that frightened her, more than anyone knew. As Doctor Williams had said though, she couldn't change the past and worrying about the future so much that it removed her from living in the present wasn't doing anyone any good, so the first action she needed to take was to control her thoughts, at least as much as she could, and she was determined to do that.

To be continued…