Natsumi held up her Ninjato and eyed the automated dummies as they began to move around the area.
Alright. Same thing as every other day. Let's do a little training before I have to go meet with the Prince.
The dummy came at her with its arms swinging and she dodged easily and waited for the second to come with its spinning blades. She raised her sword to strike, but the face of a woman superimposed on it in her mind and she gasped slightly, freezing in place. As the blades drew closer, she quickly shifted to smoke and they passed through her.
W-What was that?
She bit her lip, reforming as she swallowed and turned toward the next dummy.
Just focus on training. Focus...
Another face appeared in her mind she stepped back, only able to dodge in time. A group of dummies converged on her location, all bearing human faces in her mind.
She stepped back again, her breath caught in her throat as she tripped over her own feet and fell down.
Damn it...
She gritted her teeth and stood quickly to dodge another dummy, moving around one of the enormous gears that turned.
I can't... stop seeing them.
She dodged again and again, biting her lip as she was unable to strike. She was knocked to her knees and froze as she looked up at the dummy before her. Her eyes widened at the girls face there and she dropped her Ninjato.
Natsumi flickered away in time for part of the floor to vanish beneath her and she pressed herself against the wall, gasping heavily to catch her breath before reaching over to shut off the mechanism. The echoing sounds and movements slowed to a stop, and she fell to her knees.
Why? Why can't I stop thinking about it?
She shut her eyes tightly and balled her hands into fists, seeing the girl's wide eyes in her mind as the sword had gone through her chest. Natsumi opened her eyes again and saw red all around her. Closing her eyes tightly, she wiped her hands on herself and clamped her hands over her ears as the sounds of slicing, screaming, splattering, and bodies falling bombarded her.
No!
Stop!
I don't want to think about it anymore!
I didn't want to do that!
Leave me alone!
I just want to forget!
She slammed her fists into the ground and let out a scream, and it echoed around her and tapered off into a growl.
Damn it...
She struck the ground again and again, gritting her teeth.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
Natsumi stopped and hung her head slightly as her eyes watered. Her fists loosened and her hands trembled.
Why was that the only way?
I had no choice.
She shut her eyes and shook her head.
I know that... I know there wasn't another way. So why do I... feel so dirty? Why do I feel so guilty? I... I helped them, didn't I? They don't have to suffer anymore...
Natsumi swallowed and drew her legs in close.
So... why won't their faces go away?
She looked around, blinking hard as she shook her head again.
It's no use. This place is used for combat, and that's all I can think about now. It's only making it worse.
She picked up her bag and quickly ran out, closing it off behind her and ran back to the village.
I have to find some way to snap out of this. I have to go on duty soon and be a guide for the prince.
Nearing the village again, she walked in the quietness of the morning and hugged her bag close.
Maybe if I ignore it, it'll be fine...
She sighed heavily and shook her head.
I was ignoring it before and it came back to me as soon as I held my sword. If I can't figure this out, I won't be able to fight properly, and I have to protect the prince, still. I can't be completely useless.
She stopped walking, letting out another heavy sigh as she looked up.
I really hate mornings. It's just too quiet.
Natsumi started walking again and stopped at the bridge to linger and watch small fish darting back and forth in the river and leaned her arms against the railing. Her stomach growled after a moment and she clutched at her stomach.
I should hurry up and grab breakfast before I have to meet up with Hasu.
She turned to leave, then looked back at the open field as a figure walked across it.
Isn't that...?
She turned and took a few steps toward the field.
But that's where the Memorial is, isn't it?
Natsumi continued to move closer, watching curiously until she saw Kakashi lounging in the grass near the stone memorial, reading his book. He looked up as she approached and gave a slight wave.
"Hey. You're awake early." He sat up, still looking at the book as she nodded.
"I'm always up this early." She pointed in the other direction. "I have a secret training spot that way. I always spend a few hours there in the morning before I have to report in."
"Is that so? I suppose you're on your way back now?" He glanced up at her and lowered his book. "Is something on your mind?"
Natsumi stood rigid for a moment, then shook her head quickly. "N-No! I mean..." She paused and bit her lip, then looked away. "...Yes."
He closed his book and she sighed and dropped to the ground, sitting with her legs crossed as she made a face.
"I just got back from a mission last night, and it was... difficult." She paused. "I know I can't tell anyone the details... but I never expected that I'd have to do anything like that."
His expression shifted and he looked at her. "As a member of the ANBU, you're to carry out your missions without asking questions or hesitation, but that doesn't change the fact that you're human. If witnessing death and taking life didn't affect you, there would be something wrong with you."
Natsumi nodded slowly and hugged her bag closer. "I know that... and I know that we're not assigned to kill anyone unless it's really necessary, but..." She bit her lip again and lowered her voice. "I know there was no way to save them... and that we had no other options... but I still feel guilty. They felt pain, and even if they were being controlled and made to attack us... they were human the same as me. Killing them..." She stared at her hands. "...I feel like a monster."
"Controlled?" He repeated and raised an eyebrow.
She nodded. "I... can't go into detail. But there was no way to save them. Everyone there... we had to kill them all." She buried her face into her bag. "With the adults, it was hard but I could reassure myself that I was doing the right thing. But that little girl..."
"A child?" His expression darkened slightly and he went silent. "Now I understand..."
"I-If Jiro hadn't killed her... she would have killed me. But she was so young... I couldn't have..." Natsumi swallowed the lump in her throat. "I held her while she died. She was herself even for just a moment, and she was... scared."
"How?" Natsumi sat up slightly and hugged her arms closer. "How can I stop thinking about it? Can I block it out somehow?"
Kakashi watched her in silence, recognizing her expression. "Some might suggest trying to separate your personas." He answered after a pause. "And, for some, it does work."
Separating my personas?
"However, if you do that, you'll become someone completely unrecognizable."
Natsumi looked up at him. "H-Huh?"
"Well, it's like this..." He looked up and leaned back as he spoke. "When I first joined the ANBU... I was about your age. I had already hit rock bottom... so that dirty work... I was already numb to it." He paused. "But you... if you try to shut yourself off to it, you'll get stuck in that dark place. It isn't easy to get out of, and you'll regret if you allow yourself to get there."
Natsumi bit her lip as a coldness spread through her chest.
"Then... what am I supposed to do?"
"You had a reason for joining, didn't you?" Kakashi patted her head and smiled slightly, holding up a finger.
Her eyes widened slightly.
My reason... that's right.
She looked away and balled her hands.
I want to be strong and protect Naruto, so that he can achieve his dream and make people acknowledge him... even if that means that I have to fear things that I don't like... as long as he can keep smiling and gets closer to his dream, that's fine with me.
"You'll still be effected by every tough decision you make or each life you take... but keeping your goal in mind is bound to help for coping with the aftermath."
Natsumi glanced back up at him. "Can I... ask you something?"
Kakashi stuffed his book into his pouch and blinked at her. "Hm?"
"Do you... still see them?" Natsumi's eyes wandered away and she looked off into the distance. "The faces...? Will they ever go away?"
He glanced at the monument out of the corner of his eye, then looked out toward the river. "Everyone has a different way of handling it."
I think I've heard Kiri say that before...
She bit her lip, then sighed as she mumbled. "I'm not really cut out for killing people..."
"If you feel that way, you can always ask Lord Third to take you out of the Anbu." He looked at her. "Not everyone is cut out for that kind of work, and having the talent and skills alone don't necessarily mean it's the right place for you."
Her eyes widened slightly. "L-Leave?" She lowered her eyes and furrowed her brows. "I..." She paused again, then shook her head and met his eyes. "I can't! Even if it's difficult... even if it's scary sometimes... I agreed to join! It's my responsibility to follow through with it. That's my Ninja Way! I can't just back off after I've agreed to do something!"
She shook her head again. "I don't like some of it, but I like my team, and we've gotten close in just a short amount of time. I've also learned a lot, and fine-tuned my techniques, and I've gotten stronger. If I just walk away now, after everything so far... I'm just a coward, and I'd be putting a burden on everyone who would have to make up for my absence."
Natsumi stood and held her bag under her arm.
"It's not that your suggestion is wrong, it's just..." She sighed. "I won't turn my back on my team and instead of trying to run from it... I should be improving myself to handle it better. I won't be able to forgive myself if I just walk away. That's not the kind of person that I want to be, and it'd make me a disgrace as a Ninja."
"Well, if that's what you've decided, then I won't persuade you." Kakashi stood and put his hand into his pocket. "Just don't push yourself too far."
"I won't." She smiled and nodded. "I feel a little better now, though. Thanks."
"I really didn't do much of anything, but you're welcome."
She moved to leave, then looked back at him. "I do have one more question, though."
Kakashi looked at her. "Hm?"
The corners of her mouth twitched in a smile. "Is this where you are every time that you're late?"
Kakashi laughed to himself and scratched the back of his head. "You got me." Then, he leaned forward slightly and held his finger up to his lips. "Let's keep that between us, alright?"
She nodded and her eyes rested on the stone. "You're here to visit someone, right? That's why you come here?" She looked back at him and smiled faintly. "I won't intrude on your visit, then. Coming here is important to you, and I'm not the type of person to tell secrets like that. That would make me trash."
She turned and waved, walking back across the field to the bridge, where she looked up and her eyes widened slightly and she started to run.
Crap! I'm going to be late for sure now!
Natsumi caught her breath and slowed her pace to a walk and looked up at the building. A slight shift in color on one balcony and she recognized the concealment technique trademark to the ANBU.
That's the man that was assigned to watch him, so that must be his room.
She jumped up onto the balcony quickly, landing softly. Her eyes fell on the empty space where the invisible figure stood.
"You're late." He shifted to cross his arms and, for a moment, was faintly visible.
"I'm not." She frowned slightly and looked through the window where the curtain was opened to peer at the clock. She made a face and averted her eyes slightly. "O-Only by a few minutes..."
He scoffed slightly, stepping back into the shadow of the building and becoming visible. "Just do your job, and I'll do mine. No slip ups from you."
I get the feeling that he doesn't trust or like me... Is it because I'm young? Or is it because I'm Naruto's sister...?
She nodded and sighed softly. "I know what I have to do. You don't have to remind me."
"Good." He glanced out over the village to look at a small inn in the distance. "We don't know who may be connected with the Abe incident, so be sure to suspect anyone. Especially those foreigners."
"I know that." She huffed quietly.
"Just keep that in mind and don't get distracted." He nodded his head and motioned toward the door. "He hasn't been up long, but he is expecting you."
"Right..."
Natsumi drew in a breath, then stepped up to the door and knocked. The boy inside scrambled to his feet and opened the door with a smile.
"Good morning!"
Natsumi blushed faintly, then smiled back at him. "Good morning, your Highness... Sorry I'm a little late."
For a moment, he stared at her with his lips twitching in a half-smile.
"O-Oh... right." She cleared her throat softly. "I mean... good morning, Hasu."
He laughed quietly and she let out a quiet sigh as she mumbled.
"You're supposed to be laying low and here I am, having trouble calling you by name."
"It's only a precaution. I doubt that there would be anyone here that might be targeting me, however I do understand the Hokage's reasoning. That aside, you do not have to feel pressured to call me by a title." He smiled and shrugged slightly. "After all, as the sixth son, many in my family did not consider me to be a prince anyway."
Well, that just makes it sound pretty depressing.
"Now," He glanced at the clock and then to her. "I know that I have to go to the Inteligence Division this afternoon, but we have plenty of time before then. What will do?"
She scratched her head slightly. "What do you want to do?"
"Well..." Hasu chuckled, then retrieved a small pad of paper and pen from the side table. "It was difficult to fall asleep, so I wrote a list."
"A list?" Natsumi looked it over.
Well, I hadn't expected this. Of all the things... He wants to visit...?
She looked back up at him. "The library?"
"Y-Yes." He averted his eyes momentarily. "I realize that I'm entirely ignorant about Shinobi, so I would like to learn more about the Hidden Villages and Ninjutsu. The more I contemplate it, the more intrigued I become." He paused and looked away for a moment. "Is that a strange request?"
Natsumi smiled and shook her head. "Not at all." She looked back over the list again. "I think we could knock a lot of these off during a tour of the Village, and then we can go to the Library. How does that sound?"
"I'm brimming with anticipation." He grinned and went to the balcony door, then opened it. "Shall we?"
Natsumi coughed under her breath, then pointed toward the other door. "I think we should go that way. You aren't a Shinobi, so you can't really go the way I came... not unless you can jump down three stories and land on your feet without sustaining injury."
His eyes widened slightly and lit up as he grinned. "You don't know until you try, right?"
Natsumi blinked and raised an eyebrow. "I'm going to make the executive decision here, as your appointed guide and bodyguard, and say... no." She pointed at the other door again. "That way."
Hasu laughed and ran his fingers through his hair, shutting the balcony door as his laughter tapered into a sigh. "Next time, perhaps."
Natsumi rolled her eyes and followed him out of the room. "You know I'm just going to say the same thing, right?"
"It won't hurt to try. I can be quite persuasive."
"And I know a Jutsu that can paralyze you." Natsumi crossed her arms and held back a laugh.
"Ah." He paused and then cleared his throat. "I see your point."
In regards to the questions about Natsumi seeming to run out of Chakra too quickly, it will be explained later on. There is a good explanation for it (and later, a solution)