Chapter Seven

Boston, Massachusetts

"My intentions are true, won't you take me with you…"

Jane snapped the stereo off and stared into her fourth beer of the hour in an attempt to avoid the quizzical gaze of her house guest. The song hit a little close to home and quite frankly she couldn't handle confronting those feelings that had been slowly pushing their way to the surface since Maura left. It was a lot easier, as uncomfortable as it was, to focus on the obvious physical attraction she had for Kelly.

Realising that green eyes continued to watch her studiously, Jane rifled through her CDs before selecting something a little more modern. She put the disc in, lowered the volume and returned to the couch, beer in hand.

Kelly had been sitting opposite the detective for forty five minutes and in that time conversation had ebbed and flowed. Jane had even surprised her with some light, but deliberate flirtation. They hadn't really touched on what had happened during the day to prompt the necessity for company and such fast alcohol consumption.

It was more than nervousness; that much she was sure of and she knew she was risking a lot allowing herself to entertain the possibility of a more intimate relationship with the detective. Jane was in love with Maura, that was painfully clear, but Maura was ten thousand miles away.

Kelly figured she could have some fun, maybe even help Jane move to a place where she was more comfortable with her attraction towards women. Of course she was a sucker for the lonely hearts, and she knew she risked yet another situation where she would fall for the emotionally unavailable woman as Jane landed smack bang in the middle of her wheelhouse.

While Jane continued to be absorbed in thought Kelly couldn't help but shake her head a little at the subconscious choice in music. Jane had removed a Melissa Etheridge CD from her early discography, where it was all about heartache and replaced it with a Rob Thomas CD, the first two tracks being This is How a Heart Breaks and Lonely No More. Two tracks that perfectly summed up the situation they found themselves in.

"So, do ya wanna talk about it?" Kelly asked gently, breaking the silence and drawing the detective out of her silent reverie.

Jane sighed and pushed back her natural self defence mechanism, which was to make a joke and reject all notions of needing to talk. She wasn't ready to go into specifics, at least not about what had occurred that day, but there were aspects she knew she needed to voice. "Something awful happened today… I'm not ready, I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready to talk about what actually happened… but how it made me feel…" her voice trailed out at the realisation that Maura was the only other person who had ever gotten her to contemplate opening up like this.

It felt like a betrayal. It was a strange sensation that caught Jane by surprise. She looked away from Kelly who sat patiently opposite her, allowing her to move at her own pace. "All I could think was how thankful I was that Maura was gone… thankful that she wasn't drawn into a situation that escalated badly. I dunno what I would have done if she'd have been with me… if she'd have been there…"

Kelly watched Jane's jaw tighten and her eyes travel to a distant place and knew instantly she was back there, wherever there was. It clearly wasn't a good place. As such she moved over to the couch and sat down next to the detective, carefully placing a hand on her knee and squeezing; a soft touch to bring her back to reality, a reminder she was in the here and now and that she was okay. As relative as okay could be, anyhow. "Jane," she uttered softly, "I'm here."

Jane's eyes cleared up as realisation dawned on her. It had never been so clear. She focused on Kelly and said, "He knew… that bastard knew."

"Knew what?"

Jane's jaw clenched and she looked away. "It doesn't matter. Not now… not anymore."

"Jane?" Kelly's voice held so many questions but they were quietened by the delicate touch of lips on her own. Eyes fluttered closed as she allowed herself to return the kiss. The nagging voice in the back of her head that warned her to tread carefully was drowned out by the pleasure coursing through every pore of her body.

God, I'm in so much trouble!

Jane enjoyed the sensation of kissing another woman. It was different, softer, more inviting. As enjoyable as it was her stomach turned with guilt. A small growl of frustration passed her lips as she pulled away slightly and chose to look over Kelly's shoulder so as to avoid eye contact.

Thoughts of Maura plagued her mind; this wasn't the answer and it wasn't fair. "Damnit," she muttered under her breath.

"Hey," Kelly said firmly, her hand finding it's way to Jane's jaw so that she could gently encourage eye contact with a guiding hand. "It's okay."

Jane allowed the touch and she lifted her eyes so that she stared into incredibly understanding emerald orbs. "No," she said, "It really isn't.

It wasn't. It couldn't be. Maura was ten thousand miles away and very much into another woman. It took Charles Hoyt to make the truth blatantly obvious. A psychopathic serial killer had been able to see what she couldn't and now she couldn't even entertain the idea of exploring her attraction to Kelly further, because goddamned Maura wouldn't leave her alone.

She stood abruptly and started pacing. "God damnit."

Kelly stood, concerned by Jane's sudden mood swing. "Jane?"

"It's not fair," Jane lamented sadly. "It's not goddamned fair."

In that moment all she wanted to do was wrap the detective up in a strong hug until she felt better. Instead she settled for stepping closer and placing her hand on a restless arm. "I'm listening."

An almost maniacal laughter escaped Jane's lips at the situation she found herself in. Of all the things to bring a halt to her attempt at seizing the day she expected it to be her mother or good old fashioned Catholic guilt. Perhaps a few more spine tingling flashbacks to Hoyt hovering over her scalpel in hand… just not this. Regaining her composure she said, "I really like you Kelly… y'know, just in case that wasn't blatantly clear, but…"

"You're not ready." Kelly offered, well and truly aware that this was actually the moment Jane's heart's desires stepped out of the shadows of denial into the harsh light of day. She could have stated the obvious, what she had been saying all along, but she knew Jane needed to be the one to say the words – needed to be the one to acknowledge the truth aloud for the first time.

"I'm in love with Maura."

Launceston, Tasmania

Gabby wasn't a stranger to playing the role of strong supportive girlfriend, but even she had to admit that a distraught Maura Isles was in an entirely different ball park. She wasn't exceptionally outwardly emotional like Melissa was when she faced life challenges. There had been the obvious emotional display outside the restaurant, but from the moment they had entered her vehicle to drive them home Maura had withdrawn completely.

With Melissa she knew that she needed to provide a physical presence by holding her through the worst of it, but Maura appeared to recoil from physical contact. It frustrated Gabby because for the first time she felt truly out of her depth with this woman and all she wanted was to provide comfort, but she could barely even get a word out of the woman to understand what she was thinking and feeling, let alone do anything that she perceived to be helpful.

As a result she found herself in the kitchen casting a glance from the wine rack to the array of herbal teas. She dismissed the wine outright as she had a loathing towards allowing alcohol to be used as an emotional crutch. She had seen Melissa go down a dark path with alcohol and as such had a natural aversion to alcohol for anything more than social moderation. She hoped the tea would do as she set about preparing one of the more familiar sounding selections.

She had parted ways with Maura when the woman had vaguely indicated she wanted to change out of her clothes from dinner. She hoped that at the very least a cup of tea might help Maura calm down, as she had no doubt that while outwardly detached there was a level of emotional discomfort swirling inside that needed to be quelled.

Upon quiet reflection while waiting for the kettle Gabby came to the conclusion based upon what she had learned in the past couple of months that Maura didn't actually know how to process strong emotional reactions based on attachment to another person. She understood that Jane was Maura's first real friend to accept her for who she was and the natural changes in their friendship brought on by the distance was something new for the doctor to come to terms with. It stood to reason that Maura would also need to process what it was like to have another person, besides Jane, provide emotional support.

The kettle whistled, pulling Gabby from her thoughts. She poured the boiling water into the cup and steeled herself. The fact she was even allowed to come inside given Maura's distress was, she surmised, actually a big deal and as a result she would push down her own frustration.

If she just had to sit in the same room with Maura and not say a word then she would do that. Whatever it took to provide an acknowledgement that she wasn't going anywhere and she wasn't going to push either. She was there, ready and waiting for whatever Maura needed, when she needed it. It was about her girlfriend, not her. She felt better just for having reminded herself of that fact.

"You shouldn't have," Maura said quietly from the doorway into the kitchen. Recognising apprehension in her girlfriend by the tensing of her shoulders, she added a little more softly, "I don't think I can stomach anything right now."

Gabby took a deep breath and turned around, this was at least progress. Unfortunately she wasn't sure how to proceed. She wanted nothing more than to cross the room and pull Maura into a hug, but she was certain that was not going to be welcome at this point in time. Not sure what else to say she simply shrugged and said, "I'm sorry. I'll clean it up."

Maura watched as Gabby poured the tea down the sink and quietly and efficiently washed, dried and put away the cup and teaspoon that she had dirtied, while discarding the teabag in the rubbish bin under the sink. There were so many things she wanted to say; to do, but she didn't know how.

She didn't know how to ask Gabby to come to bed and simply hold her, because she didn't know if she deserved it. This kind, attentive woman was doing everything in her power to just be there for her and all she could think about was Jane and the myriad of unpleasant emotions the mere thought of her brought up inside.

She settled on giving her girlfriend an out, if she wanted to take it. "You don't have to stay."

Gabby finished drying her hands on the tea towel before tossing it over her shoulder and navigating past Maura, down the hall into the laundry, where she tossed the tea towel on the laundry pile. She did this because she knew how Maura was with cleanliness, but mostly because she needed a moment to think. Her gut wrenched at the thought Maura wanted her to go, but she knew Maura was blunt so those words were borne of something other than a desire for her to leave. Returning to the kitchen, she straightened her shoulders and looked her girlfriend in the eyes, "Do you want me to go?"

She hadn't expected that response, which left her a little uncertain. "I… well, no…" she admitted softly, her eyes dropping and her arms involuntarily wrapping around herself.

"Then yes, I have to stay." Gabby said matter-of-factly before turning on her heels and walking down the hall towards the living room. She had seen the vulnerability radiating from Maura and had decided her original course of action was best. Just be there. Don't force anything. If Maura wanted to talk they would talk. If not she would just be around.

"She was mere seconds from death today," Maura spoke from across the room. She had stood in the kitchen for five minutes just holding herself and working up the fortitude to trust this woman she had only an hour ago admitted she loved. "If Barry hadn't arrived when he had, she would have died."

Gabby closed the book she had decided to read while waiting for Maura to make her next move and set it down on the coffee table. She looked over at Maura and thought about what was said. She knew this wasn't the first time Jane had been close to death as she had heard the story about Jane's heroics during the siege on their precinct and as such there had to be more to it. "I'm listening."

It was fascinating to Maura that Gabby so easily understood that there was more to the story than just being upset about a near death experience a friend had. Perhaps it was because Gabby was also in law enforcement and understood that while it was never something that sat comfortably, there was an acceptance that there would be near misses.

Maura tentatively crossed the room and sat down next to Gabby on the couch. There was still space between them, but it was comforting to know that her girlfriend was right there, listening attentively. "She didn't call me," she uttered softly; "I had to find out from Barry."

"Perhaps she did not want to worry you with a near miss," Gabby offered, still trying to gauge whether there was more to this.

Maura sighed. This was more difficult than she anticipated. Gabby was incredibly intuitive and it was apparent that she suspected there was still more to come. The problem was she just didn't know how to explain Charles Hoyt and the horror he presented. "This was not an ordinary near miss."

"Okay," Gabby said, mostly to encourage Maura to continue. She watched as Maura stood and left the room. She was about to get up and go looking when Maura returned with her laptop.

Maura sat back down next to Gabby and pulled up Google. She entered the name Charles Hoyt and pressed enter. Hundreds of links were returned; she selected an article from the Boston Globe archives, which described Charles Hoyt's career in horrific detail. She then handed Gabby the laptop and allowed her to read.

Gabby read of the serial killer who would force husbands to watch him rape their wives before he slaughtered them both. She read how he had become obsessed with a detective in the Boston Police Department and that he had nearly taken that detective's life. She swallowed thickly and looked up at Maura. It didn't take a genius to put two and two together. Her stomach turned at the description of Jane's hands being pinned to the ground with scalpels. "I can't even begin to fathom…"

"It was Hoyt that got to her today." Maura said bluntly.

Gabby looked up, surprised. The article had detailed his arrest years prior. "How?"

Maura sighed. "There are many details I'm not privy to, Barry was unable to go into specifics given I am no longer employed by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts."

Gabby now understood with crystal clarity why Maura was so upset by the fact Jane hadn't contacted her. She could also see why Jane may not have wanted to worry Maura with the details. She suspected there was no way in hell Jane was ready to talk about what had happened. She wasn't sure she would have even been able to go back to being a cop if she had been in Jane's shoes. She definitely held even greater respect for the detective now, even if it was tempered a little by the fact that she hated how the lack of contact was making her girlfriend feel. "I believe she'll tell you when she's ready. Another encounter with Hoyt couldn't possibly be something she can just cope with."

"Precisely my fear," Maura agreed, "I'm concerned that she's not going to deal with this. Barry suggested…he felt that if he hadn't shown up…" she swallowed thickly, feeling a wave of emotion pushing its way to the surface. "He believes she gave up… that she would have let Hoyt win."

"Nah," Gabby said doubtfully, "I don't believe that for a second. That doesn't sound like the Jane Rizzoli you have described to me and if I have learned anything about you Maura it is that you don't embellish."

"And yet, we all have our limits Gabby." Maura added solemnly. Her heart ached with concern for her best friend and she hated that she was half a world away. She absolutely loathed that she wasn't back in Boston when Jane needed her most.

"True," Gabby admitted. She closed the laptop and placed it on the coffee table next to the book she had been reading earlier. She then opened her arms and offered Maura physical comfort if she so chose.

Maura curled up next to her girlfriend, relishing in the strong arm that wrapped around her. Reluctantly and yet with certainty she said, "I need to go home."

Gabby sighed and pressed several kisses into Maura's hair. "I know."