Dallas, Texas

"Thank you for doing this with me darlin'", feeling oddly content, despite the state of his marriage, JR thanked his wife as they wandered around the butterfly garden at the Heard Natural Science Museum & Wildlife Sanctuary, a beautiful, two hundred and eighty nine acre wildlife sanctuary that was located just fifteen minutes from Southfork. "JR, just because you and I aren't on the best terms right now doesn't mean that John Ross should have to suffer. I like it when we spend time together as a family", honestly meaning what she said, Sue Ellen was also content. JR had approached her the previous evening in a way that was uncharacteristically shy for him, asking her politely if it would be possible for them to spending time alone together as a family of three the next day. Naturally, she had said yes, because she wasn't a terrible person and she wasn't purposely trying to punish anyone with their separation, least of all John Ross. She needed time to think and relearn to trust JR as a husband, but just because she wasn't entirely happy with their marriage didn't mean she had a problem with him as a father to their son, in fact, quite the opposite, he was a wonderful father, it was just too bad he wasn't a better husband. They were working through their issues as husband and wife and as individuals with Doctor Williams though, so she couldn't complain about that either, she was getting what she wanted, even if it did bother her that they were in that position in the first place and it was a process that was going to take a while. In discussing their plans for their family outing, they had both agreed that as John Ross was still quite young and needy, they didn't want to travel too far from Southfork, because he did tire easily and if he did become extra fussy, it wouldn't be so inconvenient to return home. Staying close to Southfork didn't limit them to actually remaining on ranch property though and after some discussion, they'd decided that a visit to the nearby wildlife sanctuary was a good idea; they had gardens full of brightly coloured flowers and they had a range of birds, reptiles and animals for guests to observe. Of course, John Ross was still very young and wouldn't really appreciate or understand the experience in relation to the specific things there, but as a general sensory experience, it would be good for him, and if he did happen to fall asleep halfway through their visit, then it wasn't a problem, it was a nice place for adults too.

"I do too darlin'" pleased about Sue Ellen's interest and commitment to their family, JR smiled to himself and kept walking; he wouldn't force the conversation and ruin a good day, he was just happy to actually be in such a 'normal' situation in the first place. In all honesty, although their marriage counselling appeared to be going well, their actual marriage still wasn't great and he'd really been expecting her to spend some time considering his request before reluctantly accepting for the sake of the family, so when she had immediately agreed to family time, he was surprised, but thrilled. It was hard for people to believe, because he had earned himself a reputation as a womaniser, but he really did enjoy being a father to John Ross and a husband to Sue Ellen and if at all possible, he wanted their shared future to be a happy one, one where pain and drama were not such frequent occurrences. He wasn't stupid though, he knew that he was partially responsible for the drama and pain in their lives and if he hadn't done some of the stupid, inconsiderate and irresponsible things he had done in the past, he could have minimised the pain Sue Ellen had endured as his wife and could have prevented other, external things from happening. In addition to that insight, he'd also come to realise that as long as he kept judging his self-worth by the expectations his father set for him and kept putting himself under tremendous pressure to do bigger and better things than anyone had ever done before, he would never be able to reach a state of complete personal happiness. As a result of discussing everything with both Doctor Williams and Sue Ellen, he was beginning to realise that just because he was the one in control of his actions didn't mean that he was necessarily in control of his life overall, that was true of any person, no matter how powerful or strong-willed. He didn't necessarily agree with everything the doctor or Sue Ellen said, but he did understand their perspectives; he could see the correlation between his dissatisfaction and need for more, and allowing his thoughts and actions to be motived mostly by what would make him more powerful, respected, wealthy and would win him good recognition and praise from his father. He had completely agreed with Doctor Williams when he'd told Sue Ellen that she was allowed to live her own life for herself, independent of pleasing her mother, her husband, her son or anyone else, so it seemed hypocritical and silly for him to doubt that the same would be true for himself, however, that didn't stop him at first.

In their last session, Doctor Williams had asked him to consider why he was so concerned about pleasing his father and what was so absurd about the suggestion that perhaps being the owner and president of Ewing Oil, making Ewing Oil the biggest independent oil company in Texas, and being a tremendously wealthy and powerful man weren't really that important. To him, he had been working toward the goal of presidency and ownership of Ewing Oil his entire life and he deserved to receive them when the time came, it was a reward he was working toward and there was absolutely no way he was going to willingly deviate from that path. The other things were more complex though, because yes, he wanted to please and prove something to his father and everyone else by showing that he was deserving of the privileges he was given as the current Ewing heir and he wasn't taking that position for granted, but that wasn't his entire motivation. No one could ever know whether it was a natural inclination or something he'd been indoctrinated into, but he truly enjoyed the oil business and the benefits he got from being a major player in the oil business, both personally and professionally. Because of his true enjoyment, sense of pride in his work and undeniable talent in all divisions of the oil business, it seemed unfair to him for an outsider to assume that his entire motivation to do and be the best was because he wanted to please his father, because that wasn't true. Yes, there was an element of wanting to prove himself to his father and make his father proud, but just as much as he wanted to be and do the best for his father, he wanted it for himself, for John Ross, for Sue Ellen, for the future of Ewing family and for his public image and reputation. In a selfish sense, his current success made him feel better about his childhood too; he would never be completely free of the emotional scars left by never feeling the same love from either of his parents that Bobby and Gary had received, however, being the wealthiest, most successful and most powerful Ewing brother did dull the pain a little. He was the guaranteed heir to the Ewing dynasty and that was one of the few things he had always wanted, truly wanted, not just worked toward because it was what he was 'supposed' to do.

"JR?" hearing Sue Ellen quietly speak his name and feeling her tapping his arm lightly as they walked, he was somewhat startled by being brought out of his thoughts and back into the present. Noticing his surprised reaction but not mentioning it, Sue Ellen pointed down at their now sleeping son as he lay in his stroller, "apparently this walk was more relaxing than mentally stimulating". Letting out a small laugh as she spoke, she pulled the shade cover over the front of the stroller and then looked at JR, "would you mind if we just kept walking?" Despite the fact that she was still uneasy about allowing him back into her life and in no way did she intend to just allow him to do that without first sorting out their marital and personal issues, she couldn't deny that their family day out had been enjoyable so far and she was relaxed. "Of course not darlin', whatever you want", smiling widely and genuinely in response to her question, JR was thrilled, he too was enjoying their day out together as a family and if they didn't have to end it early, then he didn't want to. They didn't have to talk, the silence they'd fallen into was a comfortable silence, not an awkward one; internally though, he was having a lot of conversations with himself and if an opportunity did present itself, he had a feeling that everything he was thinking and feeling would finally find its outlet. He was ready to start really talking about how he felt and why he felt that way and if he was going to do that, then he wanted Sue Ellen to hear it, because he had a lot of explaining to do.

To be continued…