"If I may be so vulgar," Elle said, wrinkling her nose at the planetary scans, "what a dump."
Kirk almost spit out his coffee. "Come on now, Elle, not every planet can be M-class," he rebuked mildly. "Lava fields have their own kind of beauty."
Elle huffed. "I've seen Revenge of the Sith too many times, lava fields just make me sad."
Kirk snorted. "Good to know."
Sulu cleared his throat and punched the all-call on his console. "All observation stations, take final readings. This'll be our last orbit."
"Spock, any answers?" Kirk asked, turning to his first officer.
"I still read a suggestion of carbon cycle life forms on the planet surface, Captain," Spock said, his eyebrows quirking in the way that meant 'there's-a-mystery-here-and-I-don't-like-it.'
"Which is scientifically impossible under conditions there," Kirk pointed out.
Spock's eyebrow quirk turned into a frown. "Agreed. Mister Sulu, switch to the planet area I have under observation."
"I'm reading it now, Mister Spock. It seems to indicate artificial power being generated in factor seven quantities."
"Which would indicate a considerable civilisation there," Spock mused.
McCoy snorted. "What's all this poppycock about life forms on this planet, Spock? The surface is molten lava. The atmosphere is poisonous."
Spock gave a one-eyebrow shrug. "Our readings could be false, Captain, perhaps caused by some natural phenomena."
"Well I think Starfleet should forget about those old space legends. There's no intelligent life here," McCoy said dismissively.
"Lieutenant, anything from the planet?" Kirk asked.
Uhura shook her head. "I've repeatedly tried on every hailing frequency, sir. There's no response on any channel."
"Spock, do you think it's worth sending down a shuttle team or two for closer observation?" Kirk asked.
"Unnecessary sir. I am not certain that our shuttles would hold up to the corrosive atmosphere, and I have no wish to risk personnel on myths and legends."
"Myths and legends," Elle said slowly, "what myths?" She hung off the rail, kicking her feet. "Are we talking dragons?" she questioned. "Space dragons?"
"Nothing so exciting," Kirk said ruefully. "Just old spacer's tales, ships going missing near here, certain readings like these level-seven energy ghosts."
"Hmm. Shy space dragons?" Elle suggested.
"If you really want to see dragons remind me to take you to the zoo on Lactra VII," Kirk said. "I think we're done here. Transmit to Starfleet our sensor readings and log entries on the planet. Surface conditions make it impossible for us to beam down and investigate further. We are therefore going on to our next assignment. Mr. Sulu, prepare to warp us out."
"Aye sir," the two officers chorused.
As Sulu input the new coordinates, the Red Alert flashed once and all the lights on the bridge dimmed.
"Report," Kirk snapped, the easygoing atmosphere on the bridge vanishing in a split second.
"We're being scanned, Captain," Spock replied.
The lights came back up, and the viewscreen changed from the view of the planet to...
"Abraham Lincoln?" Elle said aloud, jaw dropping. "Oh no."
Abraham Lincoln did not appear to be phased by their disbelief. "Captain Kirk, I believe. A pleasure to make your acquaintance, sir."
Kirk turned sharply to Elle. "Is this-"
She shook her head. "Copy."
"Do I gather that you recognize me?" Lincoln asked pleasantly.
"I recognize what you appear to be," Kirk said, cautious.
"And appearances can be most deceiving, but not in this case, James Kirk. I am Abraham Lincoln."
"You think you are Abraham Lincoln," Elle said under her breath.
Kirk's eye twitched as he registered her whisper.
Elle moved over to Spock's console, looking for... "There," she said, pointing.
Spock's eyebrow went up. "Sir. An area of one thousand square kilometers has just appeared on the planet. It measures completely Earth-like, down to the specific nitrox ratio."
"You will be over my position in twelve minutes," Faux-Lincoln said. "I'm sure you have ways to establish my identity, no?"
"We'd be honoured to have you aboard, Mister President," Kirk said slowly. "Twelve minutes, then."
Lincoln inclined his head in a gracious nod, and disappeared from the screen.
Everyone turned to Elle. "What in the Sam Hill?" McCoy asked, epitome of eloquence.
"This is an episode," Elle said again. "A really dumb one."
"As they seem to be, lately," Kirk said. "What are we dealing with?"
"Sentient rocks who don't understand the concepts of good and evil, and they want to test it with us. Or rather, you and Spock. So they create good guys and bad guys, and down there you fight it out, win, and convince the rocks to let you come back to the ship. Surak shows up at some point but he's not real, either. Or something like that. It was a stupid episode and I only watched it once." Elle grimaced. "Sorry."
"Sentient rocks, like the Horta?" McCoy asked. "Or the na'mdihei Lia's always talking about?"
Elle shook her head. "They live in this dimension but they don't have the morals of the Horta. They want to know more about humanity, but they don't know how to do it."
"Hence the mock arena," Kirk said.
"Yes, sir." Elle chewed on her lip. "What are you going to do about Abraham Lincoln?"
"Well if he doesn't know he's not real, I guess we'll have him over for dinner and wait for these sentients to make their next move," Kirk decided. "Elle, would you like to meet Abraham Lincoln?"
"Not if you're gonna make me wear a dress."
Kirk snorted. "You may wear your nicest formal slacks, if you like."
"Fine." Elle straightened up. "Guess I'll go fix my hair, then, if we're gonna meet a president."
She went to clean up, change into a grey two piece suit, and braid her hair. Was this president-worthy? Probably not. Was this sentient-rock-illusions worthy? More than. Was this representative of good versus evil, or whatever they wanted to test? Elle stared at herself in the mirror. Grey. Was there some symbolism in the color? Maybe.
-/\-
Elle went to the captain's dining room at the appointed time and found them already assembled there.
"Mr. President, may I introduce the Enterprise's civilian consultant? Eleanor Wilcott, Abraham Lincoln," Kirk said, his full charisma on display.
"A pleasure," Elle said, shaking hands with the Faux-Lincoln.
He bowed over her hand. "What a charming girl," he said. "A pleasure to meet you, child."
They ate, and Elle amused herself with thinking of Lincoln's digestive system like a series of rock-smashers, unless the rock-people had also managed to replicate a human digestive tract.
"I would ask, captain, that you, Mr. Spock, and this young lady here beam down to the planet with me," Abraham Lincoln said, and there it was. The bait.
"Wait, I'm invited?" Elle blurted, interrupting McCoy's sputter of outrage.
"Of course," Lincoln said. "You are the consultant, are you not?"
"Civilians do not usually accompany first contact parties," Kirk said diplomatically. "As Miss Wilcott's legal guardian, I have to decline on her behalf."
"I understand," Lincoln said graciously. "But you and Mr. Spock?"
Kirk deferred the answer until after desert. While Uhura distracted Faux-Lincoln with the marvels of subspace communication, he gathered his senior officers and Elle in the other corner. "Well?" he said. "Do we take this opportunity for first-contact?"
"We have been invited," Spock said, "I see no reason to deny it."
McCoy gaped at them. "That planet down there is poisonous. If they really do have control over matter, what's to stop them from reverting their little playground down there back into molten lava?"
"They wouldn't," Elle said, "they want to see this play out."
"I dinnae think it's a good idea to have both captain and first officer off-ship," Scotty said firmly.
"Objections noted," Kirk said. "But there is something exciting about being asked to participate in a drama of good versus evil."
"If you wanted drama you should've gone into drama school, not command," McCoy retorted, which Elle felt was highly hypocritical coming from a man who swore in two-hundred-year-old Southernisms.
"I have the feeling they could bring us down there themselves," Kirk said. "And I won't risk the damage to the Enterprise if they feel like forcing us to play in their little experiment."
"I still dinna like it," Scotty said.
Kirk nodded. "Your concerns are noted and appreciated, gentlemen. Spock?"
"I will beam down with you, sir."
"Very well then."
Elle went with them to the transporter room.
Kirk and Spock joined Lincoln on the dais, phasers and tricorders at the ready. "All right, Mr. Scott, energize," Kirk said.
"Aye sir." Scotty initiated the transport.
Elle watched in frozen horror as the Enterprise melted out of her vision. She blinked, and she was standing on the surface of a planet, looking up at an acrid orange sky. "Captain!"
Kirk, Spock, and Abraham Lincoln materialized a second later in the familiar sparkle of the Enterprise transporter. "Elle- what-"
"I don't know, I was just here-" Elle waved her hands wildly. "They just took me!" I have literally been abducted by aliens...
"And our tricorders and phasers did not beam down with us," Spock said gravely.
Kirk shook his head, anger tightening his eyes. "Kirk to Enterprise." The communicator crackled noisily. "Enterprise, come in." Nothing.
Spock studied his own communicator. "Undamaged, yet something is preventing them from functioning."
Elle scouted the area as Kirk interogated Abraham Lincoln. The sentient rocks were around here somewhere... "I could really go for a tricorder right now," she grumbled, "or the Force."
"Despite the seeming contradictions, all is as it appears to be. I am Abraham Lincoln," Faux-Lincoln said.
"Just as I am whom I appear to be," Surak said, popping out of thin air.
Elle let out a yelp and went to stand behind Spock.
"Surak," Spock said, surprised.
"The Surak?" Kirk asked.
"Indeed," Spock said.
Kirk glared. "We'll not go along with these charades any longer."
A nearby rock changed into a creature with heavy fore-claws. "You'll have an answer soon, Captain. Our world is called Excalbia. Countless who live on this planet are watching. Before this drama unfolds, we give welcome to the ones named Kirk and Spock and Elle."
"What do you mean, drama about to unfold?" Kirk asked. "We did not agree to this."
"You're an intelligent life form, but I'm surprised you do not perceive the honour we do you. Have we not created in this place on our planet a stage identical to your own world?"
"We perceive we were invited to come here, and we came in friendship," the captain said sharply. "And you have deprived us of our instruments to examine your world, to defend ourselves, to communicate with our vessel."
The Excalbian shifted. "Your objection is well taken. We shall communicate with your vessel so your fellow life forms may also enjoy and profit from the play. Behold." They gestured with a heavy claw. Four more people appeared out of thin air. "Some of these you may know through history. Genghis Khan, for one. And Colonel Green, who led a genocidal war early in the 21st century on Earth. Zora, who experimented with the body chemistry of subject tribes on Tiburon. Kahless the Unforgettable, the Klingon who set the pattern for his planet's tyrannies. We welcome the vessel Enterprise to our solar system and to our spectacle. We ask you to observe with us the confrontation of the two opposing philosophies you term good and evil. Since this is our first experiment with Earthlings, our theme is a simple one. Survival, life and death. Your philosophies are alien to us, and we wish to understand them and discover which is the stronger. We learn by observing such spectacles."
"What do you mean, survival?" Kirk asked.
"If you survive, you return to your vessel. If you do not, your existence is ended."
"You would condemn an innocent child in this?" Kirk demanded. "Send Elle back to the ship. She has no part in this drama."
"She has the largest part," the Excalbian replied. "She is the young, the malleable. She and ones like her determine what is good and evil once you are gone, captain."
Nobody moved. Elle glanced from the "bad guys" to the captain and back.
"Why do you hesitate? Do you wish further clarification?" the Excalbian asked. "Your choice of action is unlimited, as is your choice of weapons. Should you wish to use any, you may fabricate anything you desire out of what you can find around you. Captain?"
Kirk lifted his chin. "We refuse to participate."
"You will decide otherwise," the Excalbian said with finality in its tone, and morphed back into a lump of rock.
"Spock, why would they want us to fight?" Kirk asked.
"It may be exactly as explained, Captain. Our concept of good and evil is strange to them. Perhaps they wish to determine which is strongest."
Elle edged away to look at the group of bad guys. They stared back at her. She turned back to look at Abraham Lincoln and Surak. "Nah," she said.
"Elle?" Kirk asked, looking over at her.
"Excuse me?" Elle called, stepping away from the cluster of recreated people towards the lumps of rock that she knew were sentient. "Excuse me, Excalbians? You're doing it wrong."
"Elle," Kirk hissed, "what are you doing? Get back here."
"They're doing it wrong," Elle insisted. "It's flawed."
One of the rocks transformed into an Excalbian. "Explain," it demanded.
Elle crossed her arms. "This isn't good versus evil. Besides, Kahless and Genghis Khan aren't even evil to begin with, and these other two aren't fully-fleshed out beings with their own motivations. And Lincoln and Surak are taken from Kirk and Spock's minds, they're not whole people either. There's no point to this drama."
The Excalbian scowled with its craggy features. "I am disappointed. You display no interest in the honour we do you. We offer you an opportunity to become our teachers by demonstrating whether good or evil is more powerful."
"You can't simulate those conditions," Elle said.
"Then we will give you something to fight for," the Excalbian said. "Captain, you may now communicate with your ship."
Kirk grabbed his communicator. "Kirk to Enterprise, come in."
"Scott here," came the distracted reply.
"Scotty, beam us up fast."
"I cannot. We have complete power failure. We're on emergency battery power only."
"What happened?" Kirk asked, aghast.
"I cannae explain it, sir, but the matter and antimatter are in red zone proximity. The shielding is breaking down. I estimate four hours before it goes completely. Four hours before the ship blows up."
The Excalbian spoke up. "The estimate is quite correct. Your ship will blow itself to bits within four hours, Captain, unless you defeat the others before then. Is that cause enough to fight for?"
"What if they defeat us?" Kirk asked.
"To save your ship and your crew, you have to win."
Elle huffed. "That's still a flawed premise!"
"How?" the Excalbian demanded.
"Well do you want to understand good versus evil or survival versus death? If we're fighting for the lives of our ship and our crew, that's the fight of desperation. What do you expect from us, other than we'll fight with our whole hearts? There no fight of good versus evil when we fight against these illusions. Just survival against whatever kind of amoral tricks you possess."
The Excalbian regarded her for a long moment. "You make good points," they said. "What conditions do you suggest we simulate?"
"You can't simulate good versus evil," Elle replied. "You can only watch as it happens."
"We wish to understand it," the Excalbian said. "Help us understand it."
Elle bit her lip and glanced back at the captain and Spock, but they didn't say anything. "It's... good versus evil. It's motivation. It's why are you willing to go as far as you go?"
"You cannot answer a question with more questions."
"She means-" Kirk started, but the Excalbian raised a claw.
"We wish to hear from the young one," the Excalbian said. "She does not have dogma instilled in her mind."
Elle shook her head. "If you're as old and advanced as we think you are, you should know what good versus evil is. Good is selflessness, love that allows you to let go, things that make you and others happy. Evil is selfishness for selfishness sake, doing things that hurt people and being happy about it. It's like," she huffed a desperate laugh. "Have you ever seen Star Wars? It's like that. But it happens on a small scale, every day, every choice we make. For humans, it's choosing to rise above the inherent savagery. For Vulcans, it's choosing to actively make peace. For Klingons, it's fighting for honor." She glared at the lumps of rock around them. "But playing with the lives of other sentients is wrong. You should know that by now. If you can't learn things peacefully, with all the technology at hand, then you don't deserve to learn it."
"Perhaps," the Excalbian said placidly. They waved a claw, and the illusionary people disappeared. "We have things to discuss. You may go."
Elle blinked, and she, Kirk, and Spock were standing in the transporter room, covered in dust and smelling of burnt rock.
Chief Kyle gaped at them from across the console. "Uh, Bridge? We have the captain, Mr. Spock, and Elle," he said. "They just appeared."
"Oh thank the Great Bird," Scotty sighed over the comm. "Captain, are ye all right?"
"We're fine," Kirk said, after a moment. "Heading up in a moment. Get us out of orbit, Mr. Scott."
"Aye, sir, right away."
Elle sagged in relief as the Enterprise jumped into warp. "So, since we didn't have to fight and nobody died, does that mean I get a raise?"
Kirk swept her into a hug and kissed the top of her head. "You can have all of it, a raise, the credit, the honor of giving me my first patch of grey hairs, that was excellent. I'm so proud of you, you're becoming a beautiful negotiator, but please don't do that again."
Elle smiled into his shoulder. "I'll try my best."
He stepped back, still holding onto her shoulders, and gave a fond, exasperated sigh. "One day, so-called superior species will stop testing us, right?"
Elle thought of Q, and snickered. "We can only hope," she said.
The three of them headed to the bridge. "Regarding your use of Star Wars as an appropriate metaphor," Spock said, after a second, "it may be wise to quarantine the planet against further visits. It would not do to encounter a Sith or a Jedi in the next simulation."
Kirk's eyes widened. "Good idea, Mr. Spock."
Elle waved a hand. "Wide-beam heavy stun," she said. "Takes 'em right out."
Kirk's expression turned to amusement. "Have you been playing lightsabers, Elle?"
"No," Elle said, in the tone that meant Yes, duh, of course I have when there's a lightsaber option in phaser tag and of course I used it and of course I got shot in the foot by an ensign in Anthropology which was embarrassing. "I just think that a phaser charge can outlast anybody's stamina, Force-powers or not."
"I see," Kirk said, rubbing a hand over his mouth.
"It's not funny," Elle said mutinously.
He wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Of course it isn't. It's a serious matter, defending ourselves from evil and arguing with superior races."
"Maybe I should go into diplomacy after all," Elle mused, glancing sideways at Spock.
"I am sure my father will be overjoyed," he deadpanned.
Elle giggled.