"There's colonies all the way out here?"

"It's not necessarily a colony, it's more of an outpost. Camus II used to have a quite advanced civilization, but they all died out around fifteen thousand years ago." Commander Samir sent her a data file. "This is what the archaeology team has been working on."

Elle looked through the file curiously, looking at pictures and 3D images of excavated ruins. "Wait, hang on a second," she said. "These glyphs are the same as the ones the Scalosians used."

Commander Samir turned. "What?"

"Well, I think they're similar," Elle said apologetically. "I wasn't allowed near the device while it was on the ship."

"Intriguing," Samir murmured, pulling up Scalos and Camus. "Two civilizations that had radiation accidents and disappeared."

"Intriguing," Elle echoed. "You think one of these planets was a colony world?"

"I couldn't say," Samir said. "After all, Sanskrit also overlaps glyphs with Ancient Orion, which is awkward, let me tell you. And more civilizations than you think end up irradiating themselves to death. Look at what almost happened to Vulcan. And Earth."

"True," Elle said. "That's funny, though."

"Hm. I'm gonna put Jaeger and Kim on it, maybe get one of Nyota's people on it." Samir gave Elle a high-five. "Good catch."

Elle grinned, pleased. "Thanks! Thinking of Scalosians makes me queasy though, so I'm gonna go back to my nice little Minecraft excavation."

Samir snorted. "With how many pickaxes you go through, you should become an archaeologist in real life."

"Maybe," Elle said. "Computer, what's our ETA to Camus II?"

"One hour, seventeen minutes," the computer replied.

"Thanks Alexa."

"You are welcome," the computer replied.

Elle stopped. Stared. "What..."

Commander Samir grinned. "Computer Science got bored, upgraded the linguistic routines on the main computer. It talks back, now. We're taking bets on how long it'll take the captain to freak out about it."

Elle grinned. "Put me down for four days. What's the prize?"

"Real strawberry from the Arboretum."

"Nice."

-/\-

The Enterprise made planetfall at Camus II. Elle was asleep at the time. By the time she woke up, showered, dressed, had breakfast, went back and fixed her hair, ("I need a haircut, Simba"), the away team had already gone and come back.

She met Kirk and Spock coming out of sickbay, McCoy on their heels.

Elle smiled. "Good morning! How'd it go?"

The captain gaped down at her. "Who the Great Bird are you?"

Elle gaped back. "Captain?"

He gave a halfhearted chuckle and patted Elle on the head. "Just kidding. Excuse me, kiddo." He edged around her and strode off, arms crossed and scowling.

Elle stared at his retreating back and turned back to Spock and McCoy. "That is not Captain Kirk," she realized, with a sinking feeling.

"What do you mean that's not the captain?" Bones demanded.

"That's not the captain," Elle said again, dots connecting in her head. Camus. Archaeology team distress call. Captain's ex-girlfriend. "Ugh, what's her name, it's that awful woman who's prejudiced against women, what's her name? Dr. Something."

"Dr. Lester?" Spock asked. "She is in sickbay."

"The captain ordered her sedated," McCoy said slowly, "and took me off the case. He put Dr. Coleman as her primary doctor."

"She doesn't want him waking up so we don't find out they're bodyswapped," Elle said. "Quick, we gotta wake him up." She charged into sickbay, McCoy and Spock at her heels.

"But how could that be posible-" McCoy asked.

"There's a device on Camus II," Elle said, "they were just as advanced as Scalosians, they figured out how to bodyswap-" She turned the corner to the private ward and almost bumped into Dr. Coleman. "We need to see Captain Kirk," she said.

"Oh, I think the captain just left," Dr. Coleman said politely.

Elle crossed her arms and glared at him with her best Spock's You-Misplaced-A-Decimal glare. "We know that Dr. Lester swapped bodies with Captain Kirk. And we know that you helped her kill all the rest of your team."

Coleman crumbled like the driest of biscuits. "She made me do it. I had no choice."

Spock and Bones promptly lost their minds. "Move," McCoy said, brushing past Dr. Coleman and going into the private ward, leaving Spock to verbally eviscerate the cowed Coleman. "Nurse Chapel, bring me a stimulant, we need to wake this patient up."

"Yes, doctor," Chapel said, confused. "What's going on?"

"Captain Kirk got bodyswapped," Elle said, gleefully watching Chapel do a double-take.

The woman (?) on the bed took a few moments to come around. She opened her eyes, blinked, and stared at Bones for a few seconds. Then, "Bones. What happened? Is Dr. Lester all right?"

"How you feeling?" Bones asked instead.

"Fine, I suppose, a small headache, I had a very strange dream..." the woman lifted a hand and ran her fingers through her hair. She stopped. Stared at her slim arm. Gaped. "What... what is... this is not my hand... what- Bones, what?" She glanced around, and her eyes fell on Elle. "Elle! Please tell me this is an episode and you've seen it."

Elle sagged in relief.

"Jim?" Bones asked, still looking shocked.

"Yes! Bones, it's me!" Kirk stared at the dainty hands he now possessed. "Wait. Whose body is this?"

"Dr. Lester's."

Kirk's eyes went wide. "Well where is she? Where's my body?"

Elle grimaced. "Dr. Lester's got it. We need to stop her from taking over the Enterprise."

"Elle please tell me this is reversable," Kirk pleaded, scrubbing at his face with both hands.

"Yes, captain, don't worry." She patted him on the shoulder. "It's gonna be fine."

"Where's Spock?" the captain demanded.

"Here, captain," Spock said, entering the room. "I have placed Dr. Coleman in custody. He has confessed to murdering the rest of the archaeological team on Cadmus II and distracting the away team to allow Dr. Lester time to transfer her consciousness into the captain's body. Dr. McCoy, if you could be present while he debriefs regarding the device used?"

"Of course, give me a minute," McCoy said, still scanning Kirk's head. "This is the strangest thing I've ever seen..."

"Spock, my ship," Kirk said.

"Of course, sir. I will remove Dr. Lester from command immediately." Spock gestured to Elle. "I may require your assistance."

Elle followed him. "What's the plan?" She slowed as the vibrations through the deck changed. "...did we just go into warp?"

Spock bolted for the lift.

Elle barely managed to catch up with him. "Wait! I have tiny legs!"

The turbo-lift ride seemed to take forever. Each second that passed Spock seemed to get more icily determined. He was not taking attempted murder of his captain very well.

Spock swept onto the bridge, all regal Vulcan.

The "captain" was ordering Sulu to increase speed to Benecia colony. "-and-"

"Belay that order," Spock said, his voice cutting through the bridge like a knife. "That is not Captain Kirk."

Everyone froze. Turned. The "captain" turned to smile (more like a grimace) at Spock. "Everything all right, Commander Spock? You seem a little out of sorts."

"He's fine," Elle said, stepping forward. "Understandably concerned that someone managed to bodyswap with his captain, but he's fine."

"Ah, Miss," Dr. Lester blinked rapidly, "Miss Wilcott, how kind of you to join us on the bridge."

From her vantage point, Elle saw Sulu and Chekov exchange identical incredulous looks.

"You miscalculated," Elle said, gleefully furious. "The bodyswap is only temporary. It'll wear off."

"Impossible," Lester said, "I'm Captain Kirk."

"You are not," Spock said flatly. Diamonds are hard, space is big, Dr. Lester is Not Captain Kirk.

"Do you have any proof?" Lester demanded.

"We spoke to Captain Kirk in sickbay. He has proven himself."

"Impossible. The doctor did a full scan. That is Dr. Janice Lester down there. A woman, if you hadn't noticed." Lester turned to Uhura and snapped, "Call security to the bridge."

Lieutenant Uhura pointedly placed her hands in her lap and calmly met "the captain's" eyes.

Lester whirled, furious.

Sulu and Chekov removed their hands from their consoles and stared back at her silently.

"I'll have you all court-martialed!" Lester shrieked. "This is mutiny!"

Elle suddenly realized why there was a stereotype for female hysteria, and it was the strangest thing to see that hate and rage painted on Captain Kirk's face. "Wow, you really miscalculated," Elle mused, as the "captain" stomped her foot. "Did you even see Jim Kirk while you were dating him, or did you spend all that time just hating his guts? He's a literal ball of sunshine, who did you think you were gonna fool with this?"

"I deserved to be the captain of a starship, not him!" Lester yelled. "Not him! The only thing that was different, is that I'm a woman!" She grabbed at Elle's arms, desperate. "Don't you see? You're a girl, don't you see? There's a huge divide! They would never let a woman into their men's club! This was the only way!"

Elle squirmed out of her grip. "What are you talking about? There are girl captains!"

"They hate us! We're useless! We're weak-"

Elle grimaced. "Woman, the only reason you're not a starship captain is because you're a psychopath. It has nothing to do with your gender! You hate yourself, and you envy others, and you murdered people, and you tried to kill the captain! The only thing standing between you and captaincy was your psych tests!"

Lester screeched and dove at Elle's face with hands made into claws.

Elle ducked out of the way as Spock neatly grabbed Lester and nerve-pinched her.

Lester slumped, unconscious.

Spock picked up the body of his captain. "Return to Camus II, Mr. Sulu," he said tiredly. "We must discover how to swap them back."

"Aye, sir," Sulu said, as if he hadn't just offered to commit mutiny. "Is the captain all right?"

"He's fine," Elle said. "A little discombobulated, but he's fine."

"Okay. Good."

Spock got in the turbolift. Elle followed him.

They deposited the unconscious Dr. Lester on a biobed, where M'Benga and a few nurses converged on her.

Elle went into the private ward, where Kirk was sitting with Bones and talking about cognitive functions. "We got her," Elle said. "She gave it away when she called me Miss Wilcott. And then when nobody would follow orders she started screaming that she was going to courtmartial everybody and really gave the game away."

Kirk's face turned sad. "She always hated herself," he said. "It's what drove us apart, in the end."

Elle hugged him. "I'm sorry."

Kirk hugged her back tightly. "I just wish she hadn't done this. I wish she would've talked to somebody, gotten help. Not, killed people. Endangered hundreds of others..." He sighed.

They were quiet for a long moment.

Then McCoy huffed a laugh. "Do you realize what this means?" he asked.

"We're gonna do space archaeology again?" Elle said.

"No, this means we literally saved the ship through the power of friendship," Bones said gleefully.

Elle grinned. "Good thing you're such a softy, captain," she said, still hugging him tightly. "If you were a dry protocol guy, she might've gotten away with it. But she wasn't counting on the power of civilians, nicknames, and pats on the shoulder."

Kirk shook his head with a tired grin. "You're right. Good thing." He knocked his head against hers affectionately. "When does this wear off?"

Elle grimaced. "One day? Maybe two? Four tops. I don't know. The episode never said."

He sighed.

-/\-

They arrived at Camus II as quickly as they'd departed it. Spock went down to look for the device based on Dr. Coleman's description of it.

"It will take us several days to start to translate the inscriptions on the device," Spock reported, "as Dr. Lester destroyed all the notes made by the archaeological team."

Kirk sighed. "So I might switch back spontaneously, anyways?"

"Yes, sir. As long as both of you are alive and well, you should switch back. It is only a matter of time, captain," Spock reassured him.

"In the meantime, you can humor your doctor and take some vacation," Bones said grumpily. "Watch some old holos, read your favorite book, relax. I don't want you getting a migraine as soon as you pop back into your body, you hear me?"

Elle stopped eavesdropping and entered the room, carrying cheesecake and a 4D chess cube. "Did someone say distraction? I am an excellent distraction." She handed the cheesecake to Kirk. "I also brought the old Scarlet Pimpernel if you feel like watching a romance."

Bones frowned at the dessert but allowed it.

The captain sighed again. "I'm not an invalid," he scowled.

Elle tried to look stern. "No, but I know what it's like to be in the wrong brain, or have someone else in your brain, in this case, extrememly literally, and you definitely look like you need some chocolate and gentlemanly vigilantes in your life."

They all winced at the reminder of the Zetar. "Fine," the captain said, and allowed himself to be fussed over.

"Also you should totally let me do your makeup and paint your nails and curl your hair," Elle added, grinning at him. "It'll be our only chance to do it."

The laugh that burst out of him was worth getting kicked out of sickbay.

-/\-

It took another six hours for the captain to switch back into his own body. Needless to say, he was overjoyed.

Janice Lester... not so much.

Elle stayed far away from Sickbay until they were able to offload Dr. Lester and Dr. Coleman at the nearest starbase.

"It just makes me sad," she told Spock, unable to sleep after hearing Lester's rantings against the captain. "How can someone hate themselves so much that they hate everyone else?"

Spock lifted an instructional eyebrow. "Resentment and envy are powerful feelings that can corrode a person's very being and corrupt a person's worldview. You must never allow yourself to hold on to resentment, as it will damage you more than anyone else."

Elle nodded slowly. "Let it go, let it goooooo," she sang under her breath as she dropped rock samples into jars.

"Precisely, if unnecessarily theatrical," Spock said dryly.

Elle snickered.