Dallas, Texas

Sitting next to JR on the couch in the Southfork office, Sue Ellen's mind flitted through a million different thoughts. Physically, the couch was a good place for their discussion to be taking place, it wasn't too formal and it put them closer to being in an equal and neutral position than sitting at the desk did. As part of the wider setting though, she was very thankful that they had plans to move into their own home soon, because trying to find a private space to talk at Southfork was both inconvenient and annoying. Her opinion on the location of their discussion was really secondary to her opinion on the actual discussion though, however, in a way, she felt more comfortable thinking about the office location than she did about their real issues. If what she was hearing was the truth of the situation from JR's perspective, then perhaps her own thoughts had been a little too hasty and judgemental and if that was the case, then perhaps Paula was right, perhaps she did resent him more than she had originally assumed; she didn't think that was true, but perhaps subconsciously it was.

After leaving their bedroom and settling in the office together, there had been an awkward silence followed by both JR and Sue Ellen speaking at the same time; each of them had so much to say but they were also both cautious of being the first one to say something. After breaking the silence together, JR had motioned for Sue Ellen to speak first; he had things he wanted and needed to get out, but before he did, he wanted to gauge exactly where her mind was, because when he'd made his list he'd been pretty confused about exactly what their newly antagonistic attitude toward each other was actually about. What had followed had surprised him; he'd been aware that Sue Ellen had a lot on her mind, that had been obvious to everyone, however, the sheer number of different thoughts, feelings, opinions and questions she had was shocking to him. It annoyed him that she'd led him to believe that she'd forgiven him, that everything was good between them and she didn't hold grudges or resent him, but he'd then found out that that wasn't entirely true and she was still bothered by a lot of their past experiences, however, he understood why that was and why she needed answers. For Sue Ellen, the past few months had been a long, complicated journey toward discovering who she actually was, independent of her titles and expected behaviours under her mother and husband, so naturally, now that she was getting professional help and truly discovering her own self, she had a lot of curious thoughts.

Running through a long list of things she had always wondered about, and receiving logical, honest and apologetic answers from JR, Sue Ellen didn't know how to feel. She didn't doubt that JR was a different man now than he had been before, and he did seem to be that man because he wanted to be and because he'd seen the error of his ways and didn't like who he had been, but what if that wasn't his only motivation? Naturally, it made sense that her and his father's opinions and treatment of him would influence his behaviour, but what if that was the only reason why he was acting like a better man? She wanted to believe that that wasn't true and that his change was more than just a reaction to him disliking how he was treated when he was a known philanderer; she wanted to believe that he was a better man because he cared and because being a faithful, kind husband and person was the right thing to do. She wasn't quite sure if she did believe it though; JR Ewing was no stranger to mind games and manipulation; what if this was just another situation he was bending to his advantage? What if he was acting the way he was because he realised he had no other options right now, but in the future, as soon as the opportunity arose, he took it? If he was unhappy with the way things were now, then she didn't doubt that he would be eager to change that situation as soon as he could get away with it. She had married a man who liked to get his way and enjoyed the things power and money afforded him and she needed to be sure that the way he saw life now was different to that perspective, because if it wasn't, then they were sure to face more problems in the future. Doctor Williams' questions had set off a series of thoughts in her mind; she wanted answers and she would probe and ask for things to be repeated until she understood and was satisfied.

"…Julie Grey?" looking down at her list, Sue Ellen moved on to the next topic. They had discussed their recent past and how she was pleased and proud of his change into the man he appeared to be, a loving, faithful and devoted husband and father, however, their recent past was just a small part of their overall relationship and to come to terms with everything, she needed to know everything. "Julie… Julie was a mistake. We'd known each other for a long time and before you and I were together, we were both single and free to do whatever we wanted, so we did. I admit, keeping a close, personal relationship with her after you and I were together was not a smart or fair thing to do, and I apologise for the hurt I caused you by maintaining that relationship, but I do want you to know that it is part of my past, not who I am now. I've explained this before, but I want to clarify it again, because I know you wonder; Julie was the exception to the rule, we were friends, we understood each other but didn't expect anything more than what we had, but every other woman I was with meant nothing, they were just women, nameless, faceless women. I was an egotistic, rich, powerful and selfish man and with that came an entitlement and ability to fulfil the needs and wants I thought I was entitled to. I had you and that should have been enough, but for me and who I was back then, it wasn't enough, not physically at least. Is that a right or nice thing to think? No, but it's the truth. I wasn't strong enough or mature enough to realise that monogamous meant monogamous, not selectively monogamous, so I had rules and exceptions, but I understand now that that was wrong and hurtful and I truly apologise for the way I acted and treated you back then".

Explaining a few things, JR paused for a moment and then continued his explanation, hoping that even if she didn't really understand, at least she had the information to consider and could stop questioning whether it was her that had forced him to behave the way he had. "I never pushed you into doing what I wanted and what you wished to wait until marriage for, because I loved and respected you and could see the bigger picture. With the amount of talks your mother gave both of us about proper behaviour, my thoughts about you became very compartmentalised; I wanted you, but I would never disrespect you by treating you the way I treated other women. I know later on those thoughts caused problems for us, because we didn't communicate to each other about our preferences and what we both enjoyed, and I know or at least I think we've moved past that, however, I want you to think back to a time before we came to that understanding. I used other women to fulfil my selfish desires; I wanted what I wanted and being JR Ewing meant I could get it, so I did. At the same time and mixed in with those selfish thoughts, I had you and our relationship and I knew I couldn't ruin it by doing something that would upset you or give you the opportunity to see a dirtier, rougher side to me, so I reasoned that by using other women to satisfy me, I was assisting our relationship. It's not right, it's not just and I know excuses sound hollow and stupid, but I don't have any other explanation, because it's the truth. Our relationship is long-term, I want us to be together forever, I think I knew that very early on, and emotionally, I liked it, but I'm not perfect and our relationship was the first time I'd ever had to refrain from doing exactly as I wished with my personal life. All I can say now is that I'm sorry and I completely understand why you were and probably are still angry with me, because what I did was a horrible thing and you didn't deserve it, not at all. Being in a monogamous relationship, especially one as serious as marriage, means that you no longer just have to think of yourself and your own desires, I understand and believe that now, but it took me a while. I was selfish, immature and egotistic, but I'm different now, I see things differently and I have a better appreciation for everything you and I have."

"As well as that, the way you and I have been these past few months has squashed any 'need' I may have had in the past, because you and I are on the same page. You helped me become who I am now, I needed someone to finally tell me to quit acting the way I was acting and show me that my actions have real consequences. I'm sorry that it had to happen the way it did, because it wasn't fair to you to have to deal with any of that, but I'm glad we were able to move past it. I don't know how to fix the way things are now, but I want to try, so I'm here to answer any questions you have. I want us to be able to be open and free with each other and I will do what it takes to get there. I know you wonder if the way you stood up to me was the only reason why have changed and now act the way I do, so I'll answer right now; no I am not just acting this way because I'm afraid of the consequences if I don't. I truly want the life you and I have made for ourselves, I want our family, and the personal relationship you and I have, I like that and I don't want to lose it, especially not over some disposable, meaningless women. I think the talk we had a few months ago was really necessary for the development in our relationship, but now that we have passed the things that were causing me issues and affecting you indirectly, I don't think we have current problems, aside from this one of course. Simply put though, I love you, I have you and our marriage gives me everything I desire and need. I love the life we've made for ourselves; I love that we're working on creating our own home, I love that we spend time alone with John Ross, I love that you seem happy, I love that I'm happy, and I love that we're forming lives for ourselves that don't repeat the past mistakes we and our parents have made. I like that you're there for me when it comes to business and family issues and I love that you and I are on the same page with our wants for the future, opinions on certain issues and other things. I like being married to you and I don't want to ruin that. It took me far too long to realise how immature, selfish and despicable I was acting, but I realise it now and I hope you believe me when I say I'm sorry and I want to prove to you that I am a better, different man now. I love you and I know we've had a rocky past, mostly because of my own ego and selfish attitude and actions, but I think we have finally gotten to a place where things are different and are looking positive, so I want to stay on that path. I want you to want that too though".

Falling into a long, somewhat rambling explanation of his past behaviour, JR looked at his wife's expression as he spoke. It appeared that she was thinking and a million different thoughts and emotions were running through her as she listened. At last though, as he got past the pitiful excuses for why he'd thought it acceptable to be the man he had been and moved into the reasons why he was a changed man now, he could tell some progress was being made. It was true, he had taken a long time to realise it, but Sue Ellen was the one woman who could offer him everything and he in turn wanted to offer everything to. Their relationship was more open, honest and free now and he truly enjoyed marriage and all the benefits that came from being married. He loved her and he finally understood that life meant more with her than it did without her. As well as that, he finally understood that things on her side of the marriage weren't that much different to his; she wanted to feel useful, loved, supported and happy and she wanted to get those things from him, not some random man. If she had wanted someone else, she would have married someone else, but she hadn't; she had chosen him and he had chosen her and it had taken them a few years to really fall into a good rhythm and discover the small things about each other, but now that they had, he felt wonderful about being a married man. Marriage wasn't something that was meant to make him feel trapped, it was something that showed how secure each of their feelings about each other were. Watching Sue Ellen processing everything he had said, he waited in anticipation. She would probably have more questions, but that was ok, he had answers, he was motivated and determined and this time, he had good behaviour on his side. He had been a good husband and he had no plans to revert to his old behaviour and by the end of their talk, he hoped she would understand that.

To be continued…