Dallas, Texas

Pulling herself together after a few minutes, Sue Ellen dabbed her eyes and steadied her breathing before allowing other thoughts to enter her mind. She was a stronger woman now than she had been in the past, but she wasn't without her insecurities, and as well as her worries about JR's physical attraction to her, she worried about the temptations he faced in life and whether she was and their marriage was enough to stop him from straying. She needed to know the answers to a lot of questions, but in a split second decision, she chose an entirely different topic to ask him about than the one she had just been crying into his arms about. He was probably extremely confused by her mood swings and lack of communication in a discussion that was supposed to be focused on communicating, but in the moment, she wasn't thinking about that; her thoughts were coming at her hard and fast and she was verbalising things at random.

Looking directly at JR, she spoke in a strong, direct tone, unlike the one she had been using just a few minutes earlier, when she had been an emotional mess, crying into his shoulder and seeking comfort like the needy, love-hungry child she had once been. "What stops you? In the moment, not afterwards or when you're in a neutral situation where you clearly remember our wedding vows and how much you love me. What stops you when you're at a business lunch or dinner where naturally, as is the JR Ewing way, there is an accidental meeting with a few eager and compliant women? What stops you when you're at the office and your daddy isn't there watching over your shoulder and giving Julie work to do? What happens when you're just living your normal life, perhaps doing some shopping or out with Bobby, what stops you from approaching other women or allowing things to go further if they approach you? How can you guarantee that we're never going to have to deal with another situation like the awful one with that girl and her baby just recently. I don't care that you weren't sober when you made that decision; drunk or not, you were still married, I was still your pregnant, unaware wife, and you endangered and disrespected our marriage and family. I've told you before, but I should probably say it again; I won't put up with any more misbehaviour, whether it's conscious or unconscious. I want your word, but I also want to know the thoughts behind why you feel confident you can make that promise".

Hearing her questions, JR was taken aback; of course he'd thought about the topic and he was confronted with temptations at times, but just hearing her actually directly asking him was a surprise and he was thrown for a moment when the words first came out of her mouth. What surprised him even more about the situation though was that she was once again, frustratingly, changing emotions, swinging from needy to accusatory in just a few seconds, giving him no time to adjust his own reaction. "I… I can't explain the way my mind works, it just does. It's like me asking you what allows you to be able to be in a room with men at charity functions, when you're out shopping or when you're out with your friends, without anything more happening? What keeps you in line? It's your love for me, your commitment to me and your human decency, but I assume there's something more than that too. Am I right? I can't explain it; I just do it". Shaking his head, he paused and took a moment to quell the frustration he was beginning to feel, though it was difficult, because whether he liked it or not, he was guilty of a lot of past wrongdoings and he couldn't blame her for being a little nervous and cautious about their future. He did wish though that instead of focusing so much on his past failures and bad behaviours, she would instead recognize that he was trying and succeeding now, because in his opinion, he was, and he deserved a little more credit than he received .

"Darlin', I don't know what you want me to say, because I've tried my best to explain it, but it always seems to lack the substance you're looking for. I try to be a better person and I think I have proven that I can be a better person, but instead of receiving free acknowledgement of my changes, I instead get questions about why I'm now acting that way. I want to and I try hard to, but to explain the inner, subconscious reasoning for why I do or don't do something in the moment is very difficult. I know I've explained my earlier motivations to you before, but those I know and I can tell you again; they may help, or they may not, but I suppose there's no harm in reiterating my past thoughts and why things are different now. Apart from my selfish, egotistic attitude, one of the main reasons why I sought and had other women was because I was lacking in satisfaction in one area of my life and I had a lot of uninformed thoughts regarding how you would perceive those desires. I have always been emotionally here with you and for a large majority of our marriage, I did try hard to be a one-woman man and I was a one-woman man, the way I was supposed to be. I don't know how much you think I played away, but it wasn't as often as you think. Business trips and meetings gave me space and opportunity to work out my pent-up frustrations, but apart from Julie and that gold-digger with the baby, there were no women in Dallas and no women I saw frequently. Despite how it may seem to you, I never went with other women to hurt you, that was just an unintentional consequence. I was trying to save you from having to see a part of myself that I was ashamed of, but now, after you and I resolved our issues that had to do with sex and what we both wanted, I no longer need other women to fill that void. It was a temporary, stupid solution to a problem that I thought was a problem, but have since realised was really not a problem and now that I know that, the inherent need and want for diversity is gone."

"As well as that, if you haven't noticed, things are a lot different now than they were back when all of this was a current issue. I don't like Bobby being in the business, but I'll admit that his presence and almost complete takeover of the public relations work has really taken away from the amount of time and number of opportunities I have to even think about cheating. My life now consists of office work, business meetings with businessmen that we've already made the initial contact and deals with, and at the office, daddy keeps Julie busy with work, but she also knows her place; she knows whatever we had was a mistake and it's all in the past now. I'm home every night; from my perspective, you and I enjoy a full and exciting life as a married couple and as parents; I don't take business trips; I don't go out with Bobby and the boys; I don't participate in any of the things that I may organize, as a favour or as blackmail in business. You know how I feel about all of that though? I don't hate it, I like it; I enjoy living this way. I want you to want to enjoy being married to me too though; I want you to be able to live your life without worrying that something is going to happen and you're going to be miserable again. I can apologise and explain my past to you, but I can't take it back and I can't erase the pain I caused you, and for that, I am truly sorry. I need you to work with me here too though. I'm working on being a better man and I honestly believe I have been a better man lately and have no plans to change that, but for any of my efforts to make a real difference to our marriage, you need to be on board too. I can explain my thoughts and actions a million times over, but in the end, you need to decide whether you believe me and whether you want to believe me".

Pausing for a moment as he finished answering her question, JR then spoke again, "so, do you? Can you? Tell me what you want and what we need to do to get there, but please, don't leave me in the dark about what you're thinking. I'm trying, so very hard, but I'm not the only one in this marriage". Laying out his feelings, he held back from asking whether she even wanted to remain married to him and whether she was going to hold a grudge forever and never allow their relationship to fully heal from his past mistakes. He was smart enough not to bring up that particular thought right now, because it would probably be counterproductive before he allowed her to digest and respond to what he'd just said. In the back of his mind though, the thought of a possible divorce was definitely present and he was worried, because despite the old him probably deserving that treatment, he didn't believe the new him did, and more than that, he didn't want that to be their future. He'd done a lot of horrible things in the past, but there had always been one constant; he'd always loved Sue Ellen and he always would. It was up to her to decide where she wanted things to go to from where they were now though, because he was in, but marriage was a two-person partnership and his want just wasn't enough. Watching her intently, he waited for her to comprehend what he had just said and respond to his questions.

To be continued…