Dallas, Texas

Observing JR as he spoke, Sue Ellen immediately knew he was growing more and more frustrated by their conversation as it went on. He was doing his best, he was owning up to and apologising for his past sins and mistakes and he seemed to honestly want to change their future, and if the past few weeks and months were anything to go by, he was doing a good job at living by his promises. Unfortunately though, being able to hear and see the evidence of something didn't automatically equal a change in her mind and didn't just remove the pain of their past. In the moment, without thinking too much about it, suggesting that Bobby stay with Ewing Oil to remove the temptation and pressure in JR's life when it came to the highly social aspect of his job, had sounded like a good idea, however, thinking about it now, especially after JR had responded so negatively, she knew she'd made a mistake.

Taking a deep breath, she replied, her voice betraying her vulnerability. "I know how I should feel, I know how I want to feel, and I know how you want me to feel, but that doesn't necessarily mean I actually do feel that way. Logically and for the most part, emotionally, I know things are different now; we're different now, so I should give you and the overall situation the benefit of the doubt before I jump into assuming and preparing for the worst, but it's hard. I want to be free of the distrustful and resentful feelings and I want to be able to completely and honestly mean it when I say I forgive you, I trust you and I have no doubts about our marriage or our future together, but a small part of me is nagging in my mind, telling me to be cautious. I accept your apologies and reasons for why things happened, and I acknowledge and accept that you're really trying to be a different man and probably are a different man, but the man you were, that man hurt me and it's not that easy to just forget that pain".

"To answer your question though, when you asked me earlier in the evening what I actually want; I want the same thing I've always wanted and it's going to frustrate you, because I know you're trying and succeeding, but I can't control how my thoughts and feelings work sometimes. I want to know that when you say you want to be a better husband, you mean it, and I want to know that I'll never have to worry about your fidelity again. I want to be able to trust you when we're not together, because it's not healthy to be distrusting, but it's also not easy to just forget all of the pain of the past. I want to know that you respect me and love me enough that doing right by me is a default, not something you have to force yourself to do. You're saying and doing all the right things and I know you have been living that way for a while now, so I can't really blame you for finding this conversation repetitive and my feelings frustrating, because from where you're standing, you can't do any more than you already are. I get that, believe me, I do, but you know how emotions are; it's not easy to control deep thoughts and feelings". As she spoke, it became clear that she was getting emotionally worn out, just like JR was; it was tiring and frustrating going in circles, which is what they appeared to be doing, however, for some inane reason, they couldn't break the cycle.

"My suggestion that Bobby stay at Ewing Oil after your daddy leaves was one that was selfishly motivated and not particularly well thought out; I can acknowledge and accept that and I apologise if you were upset by what I said. I still agree with everything you fought for in your recent negotiation with your daddy and I still stand by my statements about your changes and what you deserve. Doctor Williams' brought up the past and it's messing with my mind. I hate feeling this way, because as I said a moment ago, logically and mostly emotionally, I know things are different; there's just one tiny part of me that is always looking for the downside of a situation…" Sighing in frustration as she tried to verbalise how she felt, Sue Ellen knew her thoughts came out sounding fragmented and shallow, lacking real depth or meaning, however, in the moment, she couldn't think straight, especially since what she was saying was mostly improvised, not spoken directly from the list of thoughts she'd planned to address in their discussion.

Doctor Williams had a lot to answer for; he had done this to her, to them; he had brought everything back into her mind and stirred up old feelings that weren't entirely relevant to their situation anymore. The past few months had been a time of tremendous change, positive change, yet for some reason, she was focusing on the negatives, specifically old negatives and hypothetical negatives. There were positives in their past though, and even some of the negative situations they'd been in had ended up positive in a way, so she knew she should've been thinking differently, but Doctor Williams had spurred a set of thoughts that were difficult to get out of her head. Sure, she had her doubts about their marriage and future, but she also had a lot of good, happy, positive thoughts and feelings about their marriage and future, and she really didn't know why her mind insisted on focusing on the upsetting side of life. The truth of the matter was that at the time she had defended JR to his father and professed her love for him and trust that he had changed and was capable of being a good husband, she had truly believed what she was saying and hoped that she hadn't been wrong, and so far, she hadn't.

She and JR were currently discussing old, resolved problems and hypothetical, 'what if' situations; it was different to their past arguments because this time, he hadn't actually done anything wrong and she had no real reason to be upset with him, especially not if she truly forgave him. It was all so confusing but also completely clear; she had been deeply scarred by the past and she allowed the pain of the past to impact on her current and future thoughts. It was easy to identify, but to get out of the habit of reverting to her wounded state was not so easy. She was willing to try though, really try, because although she had a lot of valid points when she asked JR to do something or explain how he planned to be different in the future, she also needed to acknowledge that his perspective was completely valid too, and in his defence, he had been a wonderful husband recently. Paula, Doctor Williams and JR were right; she couldn't punish him forever; eventually something had to change. She didn't want a divorce and she didn't want to repeat the past, so they had to figure out a way to move forward with their lives and that meant that she really had to figure out her own feelings and how to deal with future situations.

JR was a good husband now and she believed he was a better man too, so to punish him for his past sins was wrong and unhelpful. It all seemed so obvious in her mind and when other people said it; unfortunately though verbalising her feelings wasn't so easy or simple and she was sure that whatever she said probably came out sounding different to how she meant it. Doctor Williams had been the one who had caused the entire situation to reappear in the first place, however, he was also the one person who had a clear understanding and was qualified to make educated suggestions, so even though another visit to his office ran the risk of causing more problems, it was completely necessary. They would make another appointment to see him; perhaps she would even make a solo appointment to discuss how to separate her feelings about the past and her reactions to current and future situations. Whatever they did though, she hoped it would sort out their issues once and for all, because she was absolutely sick of feeling the way she did now, and she was sure JR was too.

To be continued…