Dallas, Texas
After making a few phone calls, Sue Ellen had achieved what she wanted and entering Doctor Williams' office hurriedly on Saturday morning, it wasn't long before she began to voice her opinion, speaking almost as soon as she caught sight of him. "Are you trying to cause arguments?! Are you trying to ruin our lives?! Our marriage?! Why did you have to bring up all of our old problems?! JR and I were happy and completely content with the direction our lives were heading in, until you decided to throw cold water on all of that and remind us of how far we've come, but at the same time, remind us that we haven't come that far at all. I get it, it's not good for your business if we're happy; our happiness means we'll soon no longer require your services and that means two less well-paying patients; that doesn't mean you're free to interfere and make more problems and work for yourself and for us though". Pausing only for a second, her opening rant was temporarily silenced by the maddeningly emotionless expression Doctor Williams managed to keep on his face; he was much too calm for his own good and it infuriated her, though what irritated her even more than his non-reaction was his verbal response. "What happened?" somehow, using just two words and a calm, professional tone, he managed to make her realise just how over-the-top she probably sounded.
"I'll tell you what happened; that damn list you suggested, it's like you were intentionally trying to upset me and damage my relationship with JR by forcing us to rehash old issues. You just had to suggest that JR and I make lists about those things in our past that are currently unresolved, or still nag in our minds sometimes. Well, you know what? We did it and instead of resolving things, it just made everything worse. I understand why you did it, because despite how I probably sound right now, I was calm at one point; that doesn't mean that I enjoy being put in that situation though, especially not in the way you did it. JR and I have a painful, dirty past, one we can never change and will always have to deal with knowing about, however, up until a few days ago, things were good, we had finally managed to put the past in the past and move on with our lives, the way they should have all along. Your damn list had us discussing the things that caused us the most heartbreak though and although I did get a little more insight into why certain things happened, I still don't think it helped us overall. To get to the future, we had to discuss the past and to be honest, I just want to forget the past. I wrote a list of all the things that are in the back of my mind, all of the reasons why I'm so nervous and worried when it comes to discussions of trust and complete forgiveness and willingness to not hold past mistakes against him. Do you know what came from my discussing those things with JR though? Nothing. Or at least, nothing different".
"Logically and for the most part, emotionally, I believe him, I really do, I think he's a different man now and I think he really does regret his past actions; at the same time though, I'm in a mental and emotional argument with myself when it comes to letting the past be the past. He says before we move toward any reconciliation, I need to sort out my emotions and decide whether I actually forgive him, or whether I'm just saying I do but I'm burying my true feelings, resentment and anger. He said he doesn't want a divorce, but he also doesn't want to have to keep apologising for things that he's apologised and is truly remorseful about and that I've told him I forgive him for. He says the past has to be in the past and if we're to get anywhere in the future, we have to be able to honestly say we've dealt with our issues and moved on. He's right, he's completely right. My notes say the exact same thing, but in more detail regarding specific issues. I want to be able to truly say I forgive him and won't allow his past to cloud my judgement when it comes to thinking about specific situations in the future, but right now, I can't honestly say that, and I hate it".
"What I want from you is simple, but at the same time, very complicated. I want to know why I've been seeing you for months and why I still feel this way. We discussed my childhood and teenage years; we discussed the influence my parents had on me; we discussed my relationship with JR, pre-Miss Moore and then with JR after that whole situation. We discussed my lack of individual identity and my identity as a woman in all the roles I take; we discussed what I wanted out of motherhood and life in general; we discussed in great detail the validation of my feelings and strategies for dealing with difficult and painful thoughts. Despite all of the things we talked about, together and in marriage counselling with JR here, I still can't honestly say I've forgiven him and can completely forget the past. I'm sure I'll be able to deal with negative things better in the future than I did in the past, but that doesn't mean I want to or feel prepared to allow things to take their own course. I want you to reassure me that these past few months haven't been a complete waste of time and money; I want you to assure me that I'm not broken and I'm not incapable of change and acceptance. I want you to tell me that I'm not to blame for this whole situation. Please, help me; help JR; help us. I need it. We need it".
Pausing for a moment as she relayed her thoughts to him, again verbalising things in a somewhat jumbled manner, despite having thought long and hard about what she wanted to say. It was all part of a wider problem she'd identified about herself; she was too wishy-washy and it came across in a lot of what she did. One minute she wholeheartedly believed and supported something and was able to easily and strongly articulate why she felt that way; the next minute though, she felt about two feet tall, shy, unsure, confused and pathetic. She wanted to be different; she wanted to feel strong and secure and be able to trust her husband again, because she loved him and she didn't doubt he loved her; they deserved another chance to make it work and she was no longer satisfied with attempting to solve her complex mental issues on her own terms. She'd initially appeared aggressive toward Doctor Williams, but that was really just her overall frustration coming to the surface; she needed his professional help and she was in his office early on a Saturday morning asking for his help.
Taken aback by Sue Ellen's dramatic entrance and subsequent angry ramble turned pleading speech, Doctor Williams' thoughts were confirmed; it wasn't a comfortable thing to bring back into JR and Sue Ellen's thoughts, but it was necessary if they wanted their fresh start to last. Sue Ellen's mixed up emotions were completely natural and normal and although he was sure they were probably becoming increasingly frustrating for JR to deal with, he couldn't and wouldn't tell her she was wrong to feel the way she did. She had to acknowledge that she wasn't the only one who was allowed to feel the way they did, without having a specific reason, but other than that, he wasn't going to make her feel any worse about her natural and somewhat uncontrollable thoughts and emotions. She was a patient that needed help, his help, and he intended to do just that.
To be continued…