Dallas, Texas
Closing her menu, Sue Ellen looked around the restaurant; it was busy, but not as busy as she had expected it to be on a Saturday afternoon during the holidays. "I think I'll have the pumpkin soup", saying something just for the sake of breaking the silence that had come over her and her mother, she then looked to her mother for an equally bland and uninteresting piece of information in response. Surprisingly, what she actually received in response was much different to what she had been looking for or anticipated; "what happened over the past few months?" Speaking in a rare sincere tone, it was clear to Sue Ellen what her mother meant in her short question; she didn't want to know what had happened during DOA meetings or business dinners, she was referring to something much more personal. She wanted to know where Sue Ellen's recent psychobabble about valid feelings, personal challenges and goals, looking into the past for answers regarding the present and future, and other such utterances had come from. Additionally, it had become increasingly obvious that where she had seen JR as a doting father and husband in the past, he was even more so now for some reason, and although she didn't want to question his motives, she found herself doing it anyway. How or why was it that Sue Ellen referred to the past few months as 'difficult' and 'a challenge', but when she referred to the present and future, her tone and wording was much more positive and optimistic? In short, she wanted to know about the therapy Sue Ellen and JR were in and why they needed to be attending those sessions, but for the moment, she didn't know that that was what she was asking about.
"What do you mean?" instead of answering what she knew her mother was asking, Sue Ellen played dumb for a moment in hopes that she could get her mother to ask her a more specific question that she could answer and then use to her advantage to redirect the conversation. Unfortunately, her idea didn't quite go as planned and although her mother took her lead and asked a specific question, it wasn't the one she had been hoping to have to answer.
"I mean, I've visited you a few times over the past few months but nothing has ever been as clear to me as it was yesterday. You said it yourself, something in your recent past has changed the way you view the present and future and has changed the way you interact with the people around you. I want to know what's been happening over the past few months that has caused such a change in you and your life. I'm asking because I'm trying to understand you better than I currently do, because you don't give me very much to work with, and if I'm going to improve the relationship you and I have and the relationship I have with my grandson, then I think I need a little bit of context". Asking in a sincere but also somewhat nosy and assuming manner, Patricia waited for Sue Ellen to respond. She wasn't entirely sure what she expected to happen, because realistically, Sue Ellen probably hadn't just forgotten to tell her everything, she had probably been purposely withholding information and probably wouldn't be too enthusiastic about divulging that information now, but there was no harm in at least asking. She had done a lot of thinking the previous evening and although she still wouldn't admit to herself that she was jealous of the situation Sue Ellen had achieved for herself, it had occurred to her that her eldest daughter made a few good points. Sue Ellen wanted the best for John Ross, just as she wanted the best for Sue Ellen and Kristin. They had vastly different ideas of exactly what the 'best' life was and how to attain it, but she couldn't deny that whatever Sue Ellen was doing did seem to be motivated by love and did seem to be working out well so far. What she wanted to know though was how she had gotten to that point in life and why it seemed to be so easy for her now, even though she referred to the past few months as difficult.
Staying silent for a few moments after her mother responded to her question by clarifying what she meant, Sue Ellen mulled over what and how she wanted and should respond. On one hand, she desperately wanted to engage in an honest and open conversation with her mother, because for so long their interactions had been stilted and false, or tense and unbalanced, so to finally have an opportunity to express her real feelings and have a willing, listening audience was nice. On the other hand though, she didn't completely trust her mother and although she seemed to be asking in an honest, sincere manner and had made several statements recently about wanting things to be different, she wasn't sure how much of that she could actually trust and believe as true. There was absolutely no way she was going to tell her mother the details of the challenges she and JR had faced in their marriage over the past year, but if she was genuine in her wish to start working on their relationship, then maybe being just a tad more open about her life was a good idea.
Although Miss Ellie and Jock were aware of JR's infidelity, she had no desire to make her mother aware of it too, and even if she did, she didn't feel that it was entirely fair to do so now since his cheating was in the past and as a couple, they had resolved the issue and moved past the consequences. Unfortunately, although she was sure when she eventually ended up telling Doctor Williams about her mother's visit, he would agree with her decision to withhold information regarding her situation with JR, she also knew that if she didn't even try to engage with her mother about her personal situation, he would be disappointed. As he so often reminded her, other people weren't mind readers and if she hid her true feelings and brushed things off a certain amount of times, people would begin to believe that when she said she was ok and nothing was wrong, that she actually meant it. In that example, she knew her mother was no different; she would push for information, but would eventually just leave her alone, at least for the time being, and was that really what she wanted? She had the opportunity to tell her mother how much work she had put into analysing her past and rebuilding the broken parts of herself, but if she kept the explanation of just how much effort she had put into improving her life, she would never get any recognition for her achievements. It wasn't right or polite to be too self-involved, but in a situation where someone was directly asking and seemed genuinely interested, it was wrong to brush off the opportunity for progress.
She didn't have to prove anything to Doctor Williams, but as he had told her many times before, their sessions weren't for his personal development, they were for hers and he was there to assist her, but to do that, she first had to do some unpleasant things and relive some unpleasant memories. With that in mind, she stirred her drink for a few seconds, further mulling over exactly what she wanted to say. After a long pause, she finally spoke, keeping things simple as she did; it wouldn't pay to get too far ahead of herself too soon, especially not before she knew how her mother would react to any of the information she was about to tell her. "Well mother, it's not easy to explain, but simply put, this past year has been a challenge because after twenty five years of thinking and behaving in ways that were expected of me in relation to the roles I was playing and the titles I was holding, I've finally begun to discover who I am, and it's been enlightening".
To be continued…