Harry Potter and the Physical Adept

Chapter 14: Barking Dogs

Harry decided he didn't like Gilderoy Lockhart.

It was an easy decision, one made after Lockhart interrupted a conversation he was having with Colin about surveilling Dumbledore and turned it into one about himself and Creevey getting a group photo of Harry and the professor together, before Lockhart pulled him to the side, lecturing him about how it was too early to be giving away signed pictures.

Harry wasn't even sure how they had wound up on that topic.

It was further affirmed during the first session of Defense Against the Dark Arts, which Harry had with when he sprang a surprise quiz on the class, of which none of the questions had to deal with Defense Against the Dark Arts and all were about the man's obvious favorite subject: himself.

Only when Lockhart had pulled the cover from the cage, revealing a cluster of electric blue creatures he called "Cornish pixies" that looked more like animated cartoon figurines than actual living creatures, did Harry realize the man might actually not be all there.

Shortly after the "professor" released the creatures, the Hermetic mage concluded Gilderoy Lockhart was an actual incompetent.

By that point, though, the classroom was pandemonium; the pixies had scattered quickly, throwing anything they could lift and otherwise tearing their way through the furnishings about as well as Harry would have were he to ransack the classroom, sending the students under their desks for cover, all while hanging Neville from a chandelier.

That was where Neville was dangling, nonchalantly enjoying a vanilla cupcake, when the bell that signaled the end of the lesson sounded and the students made a beeline for the door.

"Well, I'll ask the three of you to just nip the rest of them back into their cage," called Lockhart as he went out the door, closing it behind him and leaving Fay, Neville and Harry alone in a room with a pack of Cornish pixies.

"So, what's happening?" Neville asked, lighting a spliff and inhaling deeply, before starting in on another cupcake.

"What a mess," Fay said. "How're we going to get you down?"

"We could just ask the pixies nicely," the chubby Gryffindor suggested.

Harry and Fay exchanged looks; at this point, it was worth a try.

It was then they were interrupted by a familiar sound.

*beep*

"Whiplash Hunter, this is Wells Danger. What's your location? Over."

Harry pulled his two-way radio off his belt and brought it to his mouth.

*beep*

"Danger, I'm in two-twenty-seven, with Wildfire and Pilgrim. We've got a bit of a situation, over."

*beep*

"Whiplash Hunter, I'm on my way, out."

*beep*

"Whip, Rook, I'll be there too. Out."

"I guess everybody's going to be here," Fay said.

A beat of silence followed; then, the already broken window broke further as a brunette came smashing through it, glass shards slicing up her clothes but not even scratching her skin.

Surprised, Fay stumbled backwards, needing a moment before she recognized the newcomer.

"Liv! You scared me," said the Gryffindor girl.

"So, this," said the dragon-in-girl's-form, looking around the room from where she was crouched on the floor. "What the hell are these things?"

"Cornish pixies," Fay said.

"What, like 'Pixie', in your callsign?" Liv asked.

"I think so?" said the second-year girl, uncertain.

"Well, I like you better," said the dragon, slowly rising. Inhaling deeply for a long moment, she suddenly let out a wordless roar, causing the entire room to shake.

The Gryffindor boy came crashing off the chandelier, but was far more concerned with preserving the cleanliness of his cupcake and joint than landing softly.

All around the room, the pixies froze, staring at the dragon-in-girl's-form in shock for a moment; then, they hurriedly darted back into the cage, the final one shutting and latching the door behind it.

"And that's that," Harry said, dropping the cloth back over the cage.

"Did I miss it?" asked Hermione, as she burst in through the door. "I missed it, didn't I?"

"Something like that," the Norwegian Ridgeback said. "Pixies got loose, so I scared them back into their cage."

"He did something like that in our lesson too," Hermione said, reaching into her pocket and retrieving a small notepad and checking something in it. "What spell did he try to use to quell the pixies?" she asked.

"Pepsi something," Harry said. "Didn't work."

"That's another one," said the Ravenclaw.

"Another what?" Fay asked.

"Another discrepancy," Hermione said. "In Marauding with Monsters, he clearly detailed how he used a spell to capture Cornish pixies, but he couldn't even do it here."

"How many do you have right now?" Harry asked.

"Seventy-two," answered the Ravenclaw. "I was re-reading Break with a Banshee when I noticed that specific details in it either didn't line up with or directly contradicted what he wrote in Gadding with Ghouls about dealing with strigoi. Once I saw that, I couldn't stop seeing all the places where his specific details just didn't match, so I started taking notes, because I figured it'd be useful later."

"Well, if you ever need to discredit him, that'll be useful," Harry said. "I already have a journo in my pocket, so it comes to that, we can leak it to her and she can write up the hit piece."

"Is that why you endorsed Skeeter?" Hermione asked.

"Not all wars are fought with guns and bullets," the Hermetic mage answered.

"And the pen is mightier than the sword," Hermione agreed.

"That really depends on the sword, and don't go around trying to parry one with a pen, because that's just, for practical reasons, all kinds of stupid," the second-year Hufflepuff said. "Unless you're Liv and you've got a Parker, in which case, whoever's got the sword was already in the drek and just didn't know it."

"And I've got one of those," the dragon said.

"So, no swords if I ever go up against you, got it," said Fay.

"Just don't go up against her," Harry advised. "She can probably melt your magic before you can even cast it, and physically, she might as well be Wonder Woman."

"When you put it like that, does she even have any weaknesses?" Fay asked.

"Oh, like I'm going to tell you," said the Boy-Who-Lived. "She's my daughter, you know?"

~ooOoo~

"You filthy little Mudblood!"

Harry wasn't sure what had caused the pejorative to come out of the peroxide-blonde Slytherin's lips with such conviction, as he had just arrived through the door when he heard it, but he could see Hermione's eyes flash in anger even from a distance and quickly snapped his fingers twice, shooting his "daughter" a glance and pointing towards the Ravenclaw.

In a blur of motion nobody seemed to notice, the dragon was besides Hermione, one hand on her shoulder, restraining her from doing anything foolish.

"Let me go!" Hermione growled to the dragon.

"Barking dogs, Hermione, barking dogs," Harry said, as he calmly stepped up next to her.

"What?" asked the Ravenclaw, confused.

"If a dog on the street barks at you, do you bark back? Of course not. It's just a dog; it doesn't know any better, and you're a person, with words and thoughts, not a mere beast who knows of nothing but slaking its every impulse."

"Potter, are you calling me a dog?" Malfoy snarled.

"No, I'm comparing you to one," Harry said, making a looping gesture with his forefinger. "There's a difference; it's subtle, but I'm sure you'll get it when your IQ jumps ten points."

The second-year Slytherin had to be held back as he lunged at the Boy-Who-Lived, spittle flying from his mouth as he snarled.

"We should go," Harry said, nodding in the direction away from Malfoy.

"You coward! Take your pet Mudblood and run!" jeered the peroxide-blonde boy.

A hushed silence fell upon the room as Harry turned back towards the Slytherin, a look of deathly calm on his face. Then, it turned into a mocking smile, as he mock-bowed.

"As you wish, Lord Malfoy," said the Boy-Who-Lived, voice dripping with sarcasm, gesturing outwards with both hands as a bowed slightly.

Then, he was gone, dragging the Ravenclaw with him.

~ooOoo~

"Why didn't you stand up to him?" Hermione demanded of Harry, as soon as they were in an abandoned classroom.

"Barking dogs," Harry said.

"You have to stand up to Malfoy!" the Ravenclaw spat, her anger clearly building to a crescendo. "You're the Boy-Who-Lived! If you don't do it, then who will?"

"You clearly did," Harry said. "Look where that got you."

"Well, if your mum and dad could see you now, they'd regret dying so you could live!"

As soon as those words left her lips, Hermione knew she had gone too far, and her hands instinctively flew up to cover her mouth as her expression took on a look of horror.

"That's too far, Hermione."

The Ravenclaw turned to see Fay and Neville standing at the door, both with looks of disbelief and consternation. In the moment, she realized they were meant to meet in the room to compare notes about the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor.

"I'm so sorry," Hermione apologized tearfully. "I didn't mean it like that."

"It's fine, don't worry about it," Harry said calmly.

"I don't know what came over me; I'm so, so sorry," the Ravenclaw said, then stopped, comprehending the reaction of the second-year Hufflepuff. "You're not angry with me?"

"We're friends," said the Hermetic mage. "Sometimes, friends just lose their shit with each other, and when that happens, they forgive each other, because that's what friendship is. I mean, they're just words; sometimes, you've just got to vent, and the only person there is your friend."

"But what I said about your parents was horrible and over the line," Hermione said. "I shouldn't have said those things."

"Danger, they're dead and I never knew them, so I don't care," Harry said.

"But, but…," Hermione stuttered.

"Let it go, Danger," Harry said. "You lost your shit, said something you didn't mean. It happens."

"But that's the thing: when I said it, I meant it," said the Ravenclaw, expression guilty.

A moment of silence followed. Then, Harry shrugged.

"I forgive you."

"Just like that?" Hermione asked.

"Just like that."

"That's not okay!" the Ravenclaw shouted. "You should be angry with me!"

"This isn't about you, this is about us, and for our friendship to survive, it can't just be you forgiving me whenever I do bad things to you," Harry said.

"You do bad things because it's necessary," Hermione protested. "I said something cruel to hurt you on purpose!"

"I wasn't hurt," said the Hermetic mage, "and unless this is you breaking up with me, I really don't see the point of fighting over this."

"How can you be so calm?!" Hermione demanded.

"I don't feel much these days," admitted Harry. "Emotionally speaking, I mean; still hurts like hell whenever Liv kicks my ass."

"I don't know how to respond to that," Hermione admitted.

"Then don't. Sometimes, no response is the right response.

"So, tell us about the contradictions you found in the bakebrain's books."

~ooOoo~

Potions was Potions, except this year, it was with the Slytherins and the oily-haired potions professor seemed even more antagonistic than before.

It didn't really bother Harry; even though Snape continued to harass him in class and take away points for the most minor of infractions, including dozens of points every lesson for his failure to use quill and parchment alone, Hufflepuff's refusal to participate in the House Cup rendered his punishments toothless annoyances rather than something that would see the Boy-Who-Lived ostracized by his peers.

The Potions master also gave points to the Slytherins for the most minor of accomplishments, which seemed to keep the students from the house of green and silver in a very good mood. It also made them less prone to work hard, with how easily they were given praise.

~ooOoo~

"Harry, I think you should see this," said Colin, intercepting the Boy-Who-Lived as he entered the Hufflepuff common room from the main floors of Hogwarts Castle.

"Let's use your room," Harry said, and the first-year Hufflepuff nodded.

It only took the two a few minutes to reach the blonde boy's dormitory room, and once they were inside, Colin closed the door behind them, before going over to one of the beds and laying out a number of Polaroid pictures on it.

"Is this what I think it is?" Harry asked.

In the photographs were Dumbledore and Snape, meeting and arguing, in a place Harry didn't recognize.

"It's Dumbledore and Snape, arguing about you," Colin confirmed.

"Where'd you take this?" asked the second-year.

"In Dumbledore's office."

"And you didn't get caught?"

"I borrowed the Invisibility Cloak."

"Good thinking."

"Thanks."

"So, what were they arguing about, specifically?"

"Dumbledore was telling Snape to take away house points to make sure you were isolated from the rest of Hufflepuff," Colin said. "Snape pointed out that our house wasn't participating in the House Cup, but Dumbledore kept insisting we were participating whether we wanted to or not, and it was of utmost importance you cost our house a lot of points."

"Of course he did," Harry said, shaking his head at the absurdity of the situation, once again reminding himself that the boarding school was run by somebody who had been conspiring against him for years. "Did you get out clean?"

"I think so?" said the blonde. "I waited until Snape was leaving, then followed him out."

There was a pause, before Colin spoke again.

"You were right, you know? Meeting my heroes is disappointing. It's not just you, either; Dumbledore isn't nearly as smart as I thought he'd be, and Gilderoy Lockhart isn't the expert in magical creatures his books made him seem."

"Ain't that a bitch?"

~ooOoo~

"There's something in the castle walls," Liv announced one evening, as she entered the shared bedroom, holding hands with Luna.

"What makes you say that?" Harry asked.

"I heard a voice I didn't recognize speaking snake, talking about killing," the dragon explained. "There wasn't anybody around except me and Luna, so that leads me to think it's has to have come from inside the walls."

"Could be an illusion," Harry suggested.

"They'd have to know how to speak snake to cast an illusion that speaks snake," Liv argued.

"You're right; didn't think of that," Harry said. "What're the odds somebody here speaks snake?"

"Somebody who speaks snake is called a 'Parselmouth'," Luna said, a serene smile on her lips. "People say it's the mark of a dark wizard, but I know you and Harry aren't."

"Well, Harry and I speak everything," the dragon said, with a shrug.

"I'm actually pretty dark," Harry said. "But that's more in the sense of being cynical."

"Anyways, I thought you should know," Liv said.

"All right, thanks," Harry said. "I'll keep an ear out."

Author's Notes: I've always been weirded out by how the breaking point in the Lily Potter and Severus Snape relationship was over an insult that popped out of one party's mouth after being in a harrowing situation; in any true friendship, the parties involved would understand that, sometimes, somebody will say something horrific in the heat of the moment as they're blowing off steam, and the friendship can survive it, because that's what friends do, accept each other at their worse and get over it.

Somehow, Colin Creevey already has better tradecraft than Severus Snape, whose only qualification for being a double agent seems to be, "Well, the BBEG can't read my mind."

A shorter chapter that calls back on a few things and sets up a couple things down the line.

Once again, many, many thanks to my long-suffering editor, Romantically Distant, for all their hard work. With the current outbreak of the Wuhan Area Respiratory Syndrome (WARS), I hope them and you all remain safe and healthy until the pandemic ends. Feel free to review or PM.