Austin, Texas

"How dare you speak to me like that!? I may have taught you to respect and obey your husband, but I know for a fact that that lesson was never taught in such a way that implied that respect should come at the expense of your mother. Don't you dare forget your roots; you wouldn't be in the position you are now without me and I think that deserves a lot more respect than it's getting right now". Glaring at her daughter, Patricia Shepard's anger grew; she had raised her daughters almost completely alone and had had to make a lot of sacrifices to get them to where they were now. Kristin seemed to understand how hard she worked, however, Sue Ellen often seemed ungrateful and unwilling to accept that she wasn't a self-made woman. Without the pageants, modelling, etiquette lessons, social opportunities and strict life guidance she had made sure she had, Sue Ellen would probably have never even made it to college let alone become Miss Texas and Mrs JR Ewing. She would do well to remember her past and how it led her to the present, and it would be nice if every once in a while, she thanked those who guided her toward the life she had now; it wasn't difficult, she was just stubborn.

"My roots? Mother, I understand that I wouldn't be where I am today without you, but that doesn't mean I have to appreciate or respect the methods you used to get me here. You manipulated and controlled me and everything in my life to the point where I needed professional help just to be able to feel good about myself as an individual, separate from my identity as your daughter, JR's wife, John Ross' mother or a former Miss Texas. If you really want to be thanked though, thank you for all of the things you did to get me here, because I am happy now, so it did all work out in the end. Just as much as this worked out though, I still believe that I would have been happy with the life you so desperately didn't want me to have. Before I met JR, I thought I was in love, I know now I wasn't, but I genuinely believe that if it wasn't Clint, it would have been someone else and whether that someone else was a wealthy man or a regular, middle class man, doesn't matter to me. I was happy with what I had; you were the one who wasn't happy; you were the one who was never satisfied with just achieving something and celebrating it; there always had to me more, something bigger to aspire to; that was hard and really damaged me".

"Being Miss Texas wasn't enough, I had to be Miss America; I was devastated when I didn't win, not only because I wanted it so much, but because I was afraid of what would happen to me once I had to give my crown back; and guess what? Exactly what I thought would happen did happen. I lost my modelling contract, I wasn't Miss Texas or Miss America, and I was a college graduate who had no real skills or aspirations other than to be anything but a wife, mother and wealthy society woman. Those few months were rough, I know I can't blame you for them, they weren't your fault, however, the thoughts that went through my mind at that point were all directly influenced by my upbringing. Luckily, I did eventually get back on the path I had been taught was the one to follow; I did marry JR and become the wealthy society woman you'd always wanted me to be, however, I couldn't help but feel as if I were disappointing everyone when the next task I was 'supposed' to do didn't just happen. It took me over a year to get pregnant and every day of my marriage prior to hearing Doctor Danvers tell me I had managed to conceive was a painful day; I was so afraid of disappointing everyone and failing at the one task that I had been assigned. Then after that, as I think it should be obvious by now, just achieving something was never enough for you, and in this case, for anyone; I was pregnant, but I was horribly anxious about the possibility of not being pregnant with the 'correct' sex, namely, a male child"

"Now, before you say anything, just hear me out; I know none of those things were your fault per se. You didn't force me to have certain thoughts or feelings, and you didn't force me to act in any specific way, especially after marriage, however, after many sessions with Doctor Williams, I can honestly say, a majority of my thoughts and actions are influenced by the way you raised me. I fear disappointing people, I fear judgement, I fear being reprimanded for my mistakes, and I fear the unknown aspect of our relationship. It took me a long time to do the things I want to do, even if some of those things are risky; and it took me a long time and a lot of hard work to realise that I am more than a pawn for other people to use for their own gain. I am allowed to make my own choices, I am allowed to have my own likes and dislikes, and I am allowed to speak my mind if I wish to".

"In this case, I agree with JR; I wish things were different, and I think I try very hard to make them different, but somehow, everything is always the same. Just once, I would like for us to be able to have a conversation and perhaps even a whole visit with each other where there is no ulterior motive present. I don't want to feel like my tears and sympathy were all for nothing; I don't want to feel like a fool for thinking you've changed when you really haven't, and I don't want to be shouted at for saying so".

"I was in tears last night when I heard you had been in an accident, and you have no idea how relieved I was when I found out you weren't dead or close to death. I love you and I would never wish you harm; I do wish sometimes you would just accept what you have though, even if it isn't exactly what you want. From the minute I walked in here last night and from the minute JR and I returned today, all you've really done is speak emotively and while I don't doubt this was a scary experience for you and perhaps your perspective on life has changed, I'm not entirely convinced that's all it is. I was prepared earlier to give you the chance you asked for; I was prepared to invite you to Dallas for a period to recover, just like you suggested; I'm really not so sure that was a good idea now though. I looked to JR to answer your request earlier because I know that if I did it by myself, you would somehow manage to talk your way into our lives in a much more intrusive and overpowering manner than what is good for anyone. You may see it as unfair, but I see it as being realistic. Tell me honestly that in asking to come to Dallas and expressing how much you miss your family, you weren't trying to manipulate my emotions for your own gain. I know you, and so does JR now, I think that's exactly what you were trying to do and I'm sick of dealing with it. I don't want to be used, I don't want to feel like I'm nothing but a means to an end, I don't want to believe that you only think of me at times when you need or want something. JR is right, involvement in my life means so much more than calling every once in a while, and when you do call, only doing so to ask for a favour or tell me what I'm doing wrong. I don't want to face unnecessary criticism or questionable acts of love; I want to feel good about communicating with you and having you be a part of my life and John Ross' life. At the moment though, I don't feel that way at all".

Both angry and emotionally exhausted, Sue Ellen looked at her mother and anxiously analysed her facial expression. She hadn't come to Austin to get in an argument, but somehow it had ended up that way. All she wanted was for her mother to change and become a better, more genuine person; unfortunately though, it was becoming increasingly clear to her that her wants didn't always come to fruition and some of her thoughts really were just wishful thinking. She didn't want to have to go through the process of completely cutting contact with her, because she did love her and she did hope that one day they would have the sort of relationship she and Miss Ellie had, but if they couldn't come to an understanding soon, she didn't know what else she could do.

To be continued…