Austin, Texas

Wavering between hurt and anger, Sue Ellen didn't know whether to scream and shout or allow herself to cry. How could her mother say the things she did? Did she honestly believe she hadn't had anything to do with the negative feelings she had experienced over her lifetime? Was she honestly trying to pretend she wasn't emotionally manipulative? Did she honestly believe she had done everything for her and received very little in return in comparison? Was she honestly trying to tell her to grow up and accept things as they were? Did she not see how hypocritical that sounded? Her mother was the epitome of the terms emotionally manipulative, perpetual victim and fixated on the past. She had spent the last five and a half years attempting to squeeze as much out of JR as she could, and before that, she had spent at least fifteen years preparing and executing a plan to boost her own social and financial position, a plan that relied heavily on manipulating and exploiting her daughters. She wasn't innocent, not by any means, and to Sue Ellen, it seemed ridiculous and laughable that she had anything to say in regard to telling her to grow up and move on; she was in no position to tell anyone to do either of those things, she couldn't even do them herself.

"I should grow up? I don't try hard enough and should change if I want things to be different? You don't call me often because I'm cold to you? You did everything for me and take absolutely no responsibility for the way I was taught to think about things or react to things? Mother, I don't think you truly understood anything I was trying to tell you. You heard me, I know that much, because you countered just about everything I was trying to tell you, but you didn't really listen; there is a difference". She didn't feel like explaining exactly what Doctor Williams had told her about being a good listener, because her mother had just dismissed Doctor Williams' assistance as nonsense, however, in her mind, she totally believed what he had told her and she had no doubt that her mother wasn't truly listening, considering, comprehending and responding to what she was saying.

"I don't know how much longer I can do this; you obviously don't understand what I'm trying to say, and I don't know what to say anymore. You say things in a manner that sounds as if you want me to feel sorry for you, but you admonish me for supposedly doing the same thing; you refuse to see things from my perspective, but you expect me to see things from yours and agree with you; and you show no sympathy or empathy for me. I'll be honest, it's frustrating, angering and I hate it. I don't expect you to agree with me on every point I make, but it makes me feel awful when you dismiss my feelings and tell me I'm being silly. I don't for one second believe that everything you did was for me, and that you received nothing in return; I think you're conveniently forgetting that I was there and I do communicate with people. I don't know the details of your dealings with the men you set me up with when I was younger, but I'm not so naïve to believe that you set up those meetings without guaranteeing something in return for yourself; and I think you forget that JR and I do talk, I know all about your agreements".

"Furthermore, I don't know if you meant it exactly as it came out sounding, but I cannot believe that you honestly think you just guided me toward a certain lifestyle, but you never forced me to do anything. I very clearly remember many times where I wanted to do one thing and you wanted another, and guess who ended up getting what they wanted? It wasn't me. As well as that, I very clearly remember telling you I didn't want to do certain things, like go on dates with wealthy men I had no interest in and in some cases, had a very strong dislike for. I accept that once I was actually participating in pageants, winning was enjoyable, however, I don't think I ever actually volunteered myself to enter a pageant and I remember having a lot of anxiety relating to how you would react if I didn't win. The night of the Miss Austin pageant, I wanted to win because I wanted to make you proud; so yes, I was happy I won, but I was even happier that just for a moment, you were proud of me. You'll probably deny it, but I also remember that that night you told me I had passed one challenge, but Miss Texas and Miss America were still ahead of me and it wasn't the time to relax and enjoy my success. That is what I mean by things never being enough".

"As for my relationship with JR and my former relationship with Clint, don't even pretend that was really my choice. You hated every minute I was with Clint and you did everything in your power to break us up, which you didn't; we broke up for reasons completely unrelated to your interference, but still, your interference was unpleasant and unnecessary. The only reason you approved of me dating JR was because he was a Ewing; in fact, if I remember correctly, Ewing Oil was the first thing you asked about. I know there were a number of times you told me you disapproved of the way JR and I were together in our relationship, but those objections all seemed to be able to be fixed by bribes and the promise of eventual marriage".

"I understand that you don't believe you controlled every little thing about my thoughts and feelings, and I accept that you didn't, I said that earlier, however, I don't like that you're not listening to me when I tell you that the way you raised me did have an impact on the way I see the world. My feelings aren't something you can tell me I don't feel, because they are exactly that, my feelings, not yours. I'm just trying to be open and honest with you when I tell you about those feelings, but instead of you listening and saying nothing or offering some sort of acceptance or apology, you just deny any association with them. You tell me to grow up and stop focusing on my former unhappiness, and I try to do that, but you have to know by now that it's not that easy for me. Whether you like it or not, I am seeing Doctor Williams and I do believe he is helping me work through my feelings, specifically by talking about them and confronting them, not burying them or denying they exist".

"I'm not denying that I have a lot of things to work through and that I am responsible for a lot of my thoughts and feelings, and I'm not trying to blame you for everything I feel; all I'm trying to do is explain to you how you factor into everything that's 'wrong' with me. I'm trying to communicate and I feel like I'm getting nothing of any real value in return. I feel like this entire visit has been a huge waste of time. You say you miss your family and you want things to change, but you also make it sound as if that was your attempt at making that change; you make it seem as though your part is done and you have no further effort to make. I'm telling you now, I cannot live that way. I cannot keep participating in a relationship where you say you miss me and John Ross, but you refuse to acknowledge or attempt to change small things in the way you deal with us. I don't know what to do, I'm upset and I'm conflicted; I don't want to keep having the same arguments over and over. I want to start afresh, but to do that, I need closure, but without you acknowledging and accepting my feelings, I don't think I will ever get that closure…"

Feeling sad, relieved and overwhelmed, Sue Ellen felt as if she were about to burst into tears as she finished speaking. She knew she was probably setting herself up for disappointment, her mother hadn't shown any sign of understanding or empathising with her feelings, so she was sure the rest of their conversation wouldn't be any different. She needed to say what she had to say though; it was good for her to get it out in the open, even if she didn't get the result she was hoping for.

Feeling JR's hand in hers, gently rubbing his thumb over hers, she knew the conversation was probably almost over and from the look on her mother's face, her earlier assumption that all was not well, was probably correct. It was a sad situation, because she hadn't come to Austin to argue or completely cut ties with her mother, but whatever the result of their visit, she was glad she had said something and hadn't just allowed her mother to get what she wanted, again. She was exceptionally glad too that JR was there with her. He knew when to speak and when to let her fight her own battles, but she also knew he was well aware of her limits and how much she would need him later if her mother responded in any further negative manner. She was strong, but only to a point, so she was grateful to have her husband with her.

To be continued…