Dallas, Texas

Entering their bedroom after putting John Ross down for the night, Sue Ellen closed the door behind her, sighed to herself and then looked at JR as she began to speak. "I take back what I said about wanting to apologise to your daddy. One evening back at Southfork and I remember exactly why we left…" pausing for a moment, she then continued. "I appreciate that he's from a different time and that he probably doesn't mean to come across the way he does, but whether it's intentional or not, sometimes he does act in an inconsiderate manner, and I have a strong feeling that he'd misinterpret my words and intentions if I did apologise".

"I respect that Southfork is his home and for the past thirty-five or so years, he's been the man of the house, and I respect that it's not easy being in the position he's in, he is responsible for a lot, in both business and at home. I respect those things and I respect you as my husband and his son, so I would never just make a fuss when it's not absolutely necessary; for that reason though, I think I should hold off on making the apology to him".

"Is it enough for me to acknowledge when I was wrong just in your presence? I think he had a point when he said babies were resilient, but after the way he tried to convince us to stay after dinner tonight, or before that, his obliviousness to the way his comments can hurt, I don't think I could deal with allowing him to think he'd won something against me. I don't know if that makes any sense to you, but it does in my mind. I don't want him to think it's ok to make comments about how we live our lives, comments that hurt or just aren't appropriate. I don't want him to think it's ok to make those comments because although I may be silent or react badly initially, in the end I'll agree with him and apologise to him. I can't play into the way he runs things, I feel like that just gives him more power. He may have had a point when he said what he said, but just the same as that, I reacted in the way that I felt at the time and this visit to Southfork reminded me I still feel that way. It's petty and I probably sound ridiculous for overanalysing it, because you did say when I first brought it up that you didn't really see the point in bringing attention back to old matters, especially ones that I had a perfectly valid response to in the first place, but I don't want him to know he was right. I have this awful feeling that if I acknowledge his valid point in regard to where John Ross spends his time, he'll start to think he has more of a say in our lives than he actually does".

"I don't know if everyone else understands how difficult and painful the time between our wedding and finding out I was pregnant was, so I don't know whether he realises how upsetting his little comments about more grandchildren can be, but that's also part of the reason why I don't think I can apologise to him. He didn't push it this time, so I stayed quiet, but if I know him, that's not the end of the comments about our expanding family, and I can't have him thinking that I'm weak or not serious next time when I do have to say something".

Taking a breath between thoughts, she suddenly felt very vulnerable as she took note of the way JR was looking at her; she had a feeling that her thoughts were going in circles and from JR's unreadable facial expression, she was sure her perception wasn't too far off the truth. "I… I'm probably not making a whole lot of sense, I know that. I'm just wound up and annoyed with myself for glossing over reality so soon. We haven't lived here that long, but I'd really forgotten what family dinner at Southfork could be like sometimes. I will never allow my mother to control me again, I truly believe that, but I also believed I had moved past allowing your father to dictate things, but being back there tonight reminded me of the little potential problems that are present in our lives".

"I know we agreed to wait until John Ross was at least a year old before we even began to think about more children, but that very brief mention in the conversation tonight just brought all of my old memories back. I'm older and I'd like to think I'm wiser now and whether it's right or wrong, the extreme pressure we were under before having John Ross is no longer present, however, I am still scared. I don't want to feel the way I did in the beginning of our marriage. I don't want to downplay your feelings, because I know it bothered you too, but I was genuinely heartbroken every month that passed and I wasn't pregnant. I don't know what the future holds for us, but I do know that soon enough the pressure is going to start again and I don't know if I'm ready for that".

Feeling herself tear up as her true feelings about the evening came to light, Sue Ellen silently willed her husband to show some emotion, any emotion, to let her know he had heard her. She was sure she sounded silly, because she was usually much stronger than this and JR was probably sick of seeing her breaking down over uncontrollable things, but right now, she didn't care. On the positive side of what she was feeling, she was thrilled she and JR had finally made a life for themselves, away from Southfork, but before she could even begin to really think about the positive, she had to confront the negative. Being back at Southfork for more than just tea with Miss Ellie or to spend a bit of time with Lucy was not particularly pleasant and she wasn't looking forward to what she was sure Jock would try to encourage more of now that he'd had a taste of what he believed was a 'happy family meal' again. She was happy to finally have things the way she wanted them with JR and John Ross, but somewhere deep inside her she was still wary of all the things she didn't control, and her wariness often influenced the way she thought, bringing her back to a state of mind she'd thought she'd left in the past.

In the cold light of day, after a good night's sleep and preferably a few kind words from her husband, she would see things differently and wouldn't be so personally affected by what she perceived to be her weaknesses and other people's negativity, but for now, she was a mess and she needed her husband.

To be continued…