Dallas, Texas

Staying quiet as he watched his patient try to find words to describe why she had asked to make an appointment with him, Doctor Williams was all ears when she finally broke the silence. "May I ask you a question?" speaking softly, it was obvious from her tone that she was not feeling completely herself, however, her presence alone was personal progress. It was good for her to consciously make the decision to talk about what was bothering her rather than keeping everything to herself until she couldn't handle it anymore and eventually collapsed under the pressure of whatever was on her mind.

"Of course, the floor is all yours", motioning with his hand he then waited for her to speak, however, despite having given her 'permission', she remained silent. Waiting a few seconds, he then spoke again, sensing that despite their months of progress, the vulnerable woman she had been when she'd first come to him was still present somewhere deep inside her. "Sue Ellen, remember that I'm here to help you, not judge you, so please, don't feel as if you have to whitewash your feelings or motivations for my sake or for the sake of making yourself appear more or less than what reality truly is. As you have pointed out numerous times, our meetings are confidential; honesty is not something you have to fear here, this is a safe space", pausing for a second, he was pleased when she looked at him and gave him a small smile. "What's on your mind?"

Considering Doctor Williams' words for a moment, Sue Ellen felt a little silly for being so cautious about speaking honestly in front of him. Apart from JR, he was probably the one person who truly knew and understood how she felt, and after months of confiding deeply personal information in him and receiving nothing but true, honest support and having been given no reason to believe his promises of confidentiality weren't genuine, she did trust him. "It's Jock. I feel so powerless when I'm around him sometimes. As well as that though, I feel so silly for thinking that an idea I had was a good one. I don't want to be on bad terms with him, just like I don't want to be on bad terms with my mother, but somehow, nothing ever seems to happen as I want it or plan it". Beginning to speak, she almost instantly felt a little better; she wasn't sure she was verbalising her thoughts coherently, but even just being able to say them aloud was nice. JR was a wonderful husband, he had allowed her to speak her mind without getting angry or upset with her for speaking negatively about his father, however, in some ways, although it wasn't fair because he was such a good husband, she still felt better being able to vent her frustrations to someone neutral like Doctor Williams. JR was loyal to his father and he had a deep respect for him, a respect that Sue Ellen respected too, so no matter how frustrated or angry with him she was, she did always try to keep in mind that her perception of Jock Ewing was much different from other peoples.

"I don't remember how much I told you, so feel free to stop me if I'm repeating things we discussed in our previous appointment. When JR and I were up at the lake house last week, I found my mind wandering and I found myself able to acknowledge moments where I may have jumped ahead in my judgements or reacted too strongly to things that in hindsight, weren't as bad or dramatic as I imagined them. One of those was the way I snapped at Jock during a visit to Southfork the day after we moved into our new home. He made a few comments that were typical of his attitude and while I still don't think he was right, I can acknowledge that perhaps my reaction was a little strong. I admitted it to JR and I'm admitting it to you. I was and probably am still protective of John Ross and overly assertive when it comes to his needs. I don't think it's a bad thing to be attentive and loving, I think everyone, including Jock and JR, would benefit from more love from their parents, but I can see where love and attentiveness can be perceived as clingy and coddling..."

"I'm getting off topic; that's not really what's on my mind, it's really just information for context. Skipping ahead and summarising what I meant to say; in the way that you're always getting me to reflect on things and accept the past but work on changing the future, I thought everyone would benefit from an acknowledgement of past mistakes and an apology. JR didn't think it was necessary to bring attention back to old issues, but he told me to do whatever would make me happy. Fortunately and unfortunately, my assumption was wrong, and while I'm happy I didn't apologise before everything happened last night, I'm also highly irritated with myself for ever thinking it was a good idea, and I'm irritated with myself for being so incapable of speaking my mind when it comes to conflict".

It had taken her years to tell her mother how she really felt and to try to set boundaries in their relationship, and unfortunately, many times before their final meeting a few weeks ago, she had allowed her mother back into her life and back into a position of power. She liked having JR's support, but she hated needing him to fight her battles for her, and with her mother, that was exactly what he had done in the end. She didn't want to need him to resolve the issues she had with his father's attitude toward them, she wanted to be able to tell Jock exactly how she felt, however, there was more to it than that. She was looking for guidance on how to appear both strong and humble. She needed Jock to know that she wasn't interested in ceding control of her life or her family's life just to make him happy; if/when she and JR decided to have another child was none of his business; and parenting decisions regarding John Ross were none of his business. As well as that, how she and JR spent their time and money was none of his business and while he was just as entitled as anyone else to want to and ask to spend time with them and his grandson, strong-arming them into anything was a bad idea and wasn't something they were interested in being a part of. There was so much she wanted to say to him, but she didn't know how to do so without causing a raft of issues for the entire family. She also didn't want to keep allowing him to think he was in control though, and she certainly didn't want to apologise to him if it was going to be something he used to control her later on. She was confused and she felt stuck. Luckily, she had a wonderful husband and a very helpful, supportable therapist.

Listening and nodding, Doctor Williams then responded, "you mentioned some of that in passing earlier in the week, but the way you explained it just now was much more detailed. I'm very proud of you for taking responsibility for your mistakes, even if you're not sure now whether your opinion has changed again. Please continue, why are you irritated with yourself for thinking admitting to your mistakes was a good idea? What happened last night?"

To be continued…

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