Chapter 16

The Torment of the Mind that Cares

A/N: WARNING: If you don't like mild-to-moderate cliff-hangers, don't read this chapter, until I get the next one or two finished also.

Alone, deep in the forest outside of Karakura, Ulquiorra stopped and set Orihime on her feet. His strength hadn't fully returned, and the reiatsu-suppressing gigai didn't help, so he was now badly in need of rest himself. Of course, he was careful not to let Orihime see this.

No sooner was she on her feet than Orihime turned wrapped her arms around him tightly, pressing her head to his chest as her shoulders trembled with suppressed sobs.

"I was so scared, Ulquiorra!" she whimpered. "I don't think I've ever been that scared in my life!"

Ulquiorra sniffed, slightly amused. "I'm sure that you were more afraid for Kurosaki Ichigo when I first killed him," he countered. "Or was that all an act in Hueco Mundo?"

Orihime stuck out her lip in a pout. "That's not fair." She held him more tightly and took a deep breath. "I thought ... I thought that they were really going to kill you."

"They would have," replied Ulquiorra, "if not for you. And they yet will, if they find us."

Orihime gripped him more tightly. "No!" she gasped. "They can't! I won't let them!"

"I will not allow them to find us," soothed Ulquiorra. "Have no fear. I was careless in assuming that they would not notice my presence, so long as I was wearing this gigai. It is clear that they have other means of locating me."

Orihime gasped. "You don't think that Urahara-san is helping them, do you?" she exclaimed.

"No," replied Ulquiorra. "I do not."

"Then..." Orihime blinked in confusion, but Ulquiorra didn't answer the unspoken question.

"It doesn't matter," he said. "What matters is that we do not let them find us."

"But we're safe for tonight at least, right? I mean, Tōshirō-kun let us go, so he's not──"

"He did not let us go," interrupted Ulquiorra. "He allowed us to escape; nothing more. If he captures us again, he may not allow us to leave a second time. We cannot take that chance."

"Didn't you see Rangiku's face?" argued Orihime, shaking her head and drawing back enough to look at him. "And even Tōshirō-kun? The rest of the Shinigami might still think that you're bad, but Tōshirō-kun and Rangiku don't now. They know that you're not a threat to them, and they know that you're staying to be with me. They won't come after you, as long as──"

"They have their orders," Ulquiorra interrupted again. "If they disobey them, then they will be viewed as traitors of Soul Society." He ran his fingers gently through her hair as he looked at her. "...just as you are now, it would seem."

Orihime pressed her lips together resolutely. "I don't care what they think about me. I'm not going to let them hurt you!"

Ulquiorra said nothing. He carefully brushed a stray lock of hair from her face, tucking behind her ear. Orihime bit her lip, as he then gently brushed away one of the tears that had gathered in her eyelashes.

"I ... I won't let them..." she breathed.

Cupping his hand around her cheek, Ulquiorra slowly leaned forward. Orihime's eyes widened as she stared at him. Her own head tilted back a little to meet his, following his eyes as they moved from her own to her lips. In a moment, she could feel his warm breath mixing with her own. There was the lightest touch of soft skin against her lips, and then Orihime turned away, the tears again gathering in her eyes.

"No," she whispered, shaking her head slightly.

"Orihime?" Ulquiorra asked, clearly confused.

"I ... I want my first kiss ... to be you," Orihime answered, closing her eyes now.

Ulquiorra continued to look at her in silence, and Orihime sniffed and turned to look at him again. Lifting her own hand, she brushed her fingers over the tanned skin and strong flesh of the face that he was now wearing.

"This isn't you," she continued sadly. "It doesn't look like you, or feel like you, or smell like you, or anything!" She shook her head again. "I want my first real kiss to be you."

Ulquiorra emitted a quiet sigh as he took her hand in his, drawing it down from his face.

"I cannot remove the gigai at this time," he said tonelessly. "My presence would be too easy for them to find."

Orihime nodded. "I know," she said. "I ... I know." Wrapping her arms around him again, she pressed her face to his now-muscular chest. "I hate this gigai," she murmured.

A hint of a smile pulled at Ulquiorra's mouth. "So do I," he responded.

"Can we go somewhere that you won't need to wear it?"

"There is nowhere in the Land of the Living where that would be the case, so long as Soul Society is looking for me."

"But what about if we went to Australia? Or ... or America? Somewhere far, far away from here? They wouldn't find us then!"

"Orihime," sighed Ulquiorra. "There is nowhere in the Land of the Living where my presence would not create a disturbance. No matter where I was, if they were looking for Espada or even for strong Hollows, they would sense me."

Orihime frowned sadly, but then her face suddenly lit again. "We could go back to Hueco Mundo!" she exclaimed. "We'd be safe there. We could live in your tower again, just like before, only this time I wouldn't be a prisoner, and maybe you could show me around the rest of your tower, and──"

Ulquiorra lifted a hand and pressed his fingers to her lips. "Enough," he said. "I will think of something."

Orihime pouted at first, but then she sighed and smiled. Pressing her own hand to his, she kissed his fingers before drawing his hand down to rest over her heart. "I know you will," she murmured.

Ulquiorra continued to look at her for a long moment before speaking again. "We should get some sleep."

Orihime blinked in surprise, glancing around them at the woods. "Here?" she asked.

"Here," nodded Ulquiorra. "As you said, the little Shinigami captain allowed us to escape, so it is likely that he will not pursue us intently tonight. I will need time to think, and we will both need strength for whatever we must do next. Sleep is the wisest course right now."

Orihime nodded. "Okay," she agreed. "I guess you're right."

"Come."

Ulquiorra stretched himself on the ground, lying on his back, and drew her down to lie on top of him. Orihime blushed only slightly as this was done.

"Won't you get dirty?" she asked nervously.

"It is only a loathsome gigai," he replied. "It doesn't matter."

Orihime giggled softly at that. She then relaxed, pressing her head to his chest with a gentle sigh, and closed her eyes.

"I love you, Ulquiorra," she whispered sleepily.

Ulquiorra said nothing. Only his hand moved as he stroked her long hair. He listened to her breathing growing calmer as she slowly drifted off to sleep.

For his own part, however, Ulquiorra remained wide awake. Though he had tried to assure her that they were safe for the time being, Ulquiorra knew that it was not so, and that they no longer had the luxury of time. If the Shinigami wished to find him, they could now do so with ease. What he had not wished to tell her, and what he was pleased to see that she had not yet guessed, was simple: they no longer had to look for him. They could look for her. His new gigai fully masked his own presence, but it was not so with Orihime. As a human, she already inhabited a physical body, so she could not simply don a special gigai as he had done. She could not conceal her reiatsu completely.

It's true that the little Shinigami captain tonight had suggested that he would present Ulquiorra's request to the Gotei 13, but he had also made it clear that they were not likely to accept it. The probability of someone else coming ─ someone stronger and less reasonable ─ was very, very high. Indeed, it was almost a definite. Even tonight, if the Shinigami currently in the Land of the Living were to change their minds, they could find the two without great difficulty. Perhaps they had a little time now; perhaps they did not. Even if they did, Ulquiorra knew that they had far less than he would have liked.

What were they to do now? Ulquiorra could keep hidden from them easily, if he were alone, but he could not do so while with Orihime. Nowhere in this plane of existence would be beyond their reach. But if they were to go to another, could they be safe there? Couldn't he simply take her back to Hueco Mundo as she had suggested? She was willing to do that. It would be beyond the reach of the Shinigami. They would be together. They would be safe there.

No, Ulquiorra knew. She would not be safe. Hueco Mundo was the world of Hollows, and although he could protect her, it was not a place where Orihime could thrive. It is true that she had lived there for a time, but to live there for the rest of her life was not something to which he would subject her. She had seen only Las Noches; he had seen all of that world. The barren wasteland that stretched onward forever; the acrid winds that howled across the landscape; the perpetual night with the ever waning yet never changing moon; the constant shrieks and howls of the Hollows who lived, hunted, and died there. It was no place for a human. Yes, he could keep her safe, he was sure, but to find food and water fit for a human would be impossible. Las Noches had had everything that was needed, but Ulquiorra had seen from the world of worlds the disrepair into which the great fortress had fallen. It was no longer a fit place to live. And really, even if it was, could she live there for the rest of her life, never seeing another human? Never seeing her human friends? Could she abandon forever the friends who had risked everything including their own lives to come and to save her from that very place? Surely not. He knew how much they all meant to her. He would never ask that of her.

She must stay here, in the Land of the Living, where she belonged. But where here could they be safe from the ever-present Shinigami? She had suggested another country here in the Land of the Living, but that would be only a temporary solution until they were again found. They could, perhaps, live a life on the run, never staying for long in one place. It was possible that that would be enough to evade the Shinigami hunting him. Even so, it presented some of the same problems that Hueco Mundo did: she would be cut off from her friends, from the life that she had known for so long. She would have him, but she would have only him, and he would still be forced to wear this abhorrent gigai at all times, meaning that it would never seem like it was truly him with her.

The gigai too would be a problem: in this plane of existence, he would have to wear it always, but it would not last forever. She could repair it, it was true, if it was only somewhat damaged, but what if it were to be destroyed? Only Urahara could create a new one, and there would be no way to acquire it or even to request it without alerting Soul Society to their presence. To go away together would only delay the inevitable: he would eventually have to leave regardless. Even if the gigai lasted forever, if he was to take her away and into hiding, no matter where they went, Orihime would, for all practical purposes, be alone for the rest of her life. Ulquiorra could not and would not ask that of her. A life on the run, forever watching the path behind them, forever questioning every shadow, every breath of wind. No, he couldn't subject her to that. It wasn't fair; it wasn't right. Orihime deserved to live a life of joy and freedom. She needed sunlight and happiness and friendship, not darkness and secrecy and solitude. He could not take her away from here, only to live in secrecy and fear for the rest of her life.

He had to go alone.

The pain that this thought brought him was excruciating, but he knew that it was true. He could not take her from this place. But he could not stay with her. The attack tonight had shown him that the Shinigami were not above endangering her to capture him. So long as he was near to her, she was in danger. He had to leave her.

But where would he go? He supposed it would be simplest to return to Hueco Mundo himself. Indeed, that was the one place into which the Shinigami would not pursue him. He could easily survive there.

...survive.

The word echoed in his mind, sounding the lonely knell of emptiness once again. He had 'survived' there for so long. He had ... existed. There was nothing there for him. There never had been. Until Aizen had come, his existence had been meaningless. After Aizen was gone, it was meaningless once more. Orihime had given him meaning; had given him purpose. Without her, what was the point of existing? Would he return to the emptiness from which he'd risen? Could he return to the lifeless, cold, indifferent world that had so perfectly reflected his own empty soul for so many years? Could he go back to what he was? For what purpose? Why?

For her.

To save her, he would do it. He saw now that he could keep her safe only by leaving her. For her sake, he could return to what he had been. Yes, he must leave. He must disappear from her life. He could not tell her that he was leaving; he could not tell her where he was going. If he did, she would surely come after him. She would follow him even to Hueco Mundo, and he could not allow that. He was determined to ensure that she was safe, and if never seeing him again was what would keep her safe, then that is what he would bring to pass. After all, the Shinigami would not harm her, if he was not with her.

Ulquiorra's eyes shot open in horror as fresh realization hit him.

No, the Shinigami would still hurt her. They would not know that he had left for good. They would assume that he had merely gone into hiding, probably nearby. They would take her, assuming that she would know his whereabouts. They would hold her hostage, imprisoning her against his return. As he had done with her so long ago, holding her to bait the Shinigami into coming for her, so he knew that they would do likewise. Orihime would be taken, this time by Soul Society, and held as bait for himself. He had no doubt of it. Only this time, he would not be the one assigned to protect her in her captivity. Would the Shinigami hurt her? Of course, they would, he told himself. After all, they had been willing to catch them both in the same spiritual net even tonight: one which would have done him no lasting harm but which could have destroyed her life entirely. Yes, they would use her; they would not hesitate to hurt her, if it meant allowing them to capture himself.

Even if Ulquiorra were to end his own life to free her of his presence, the Shinigami would not believe it. She could say that he died in front of her, and they would say that she was lying. She would be taken prisoner just the same, and what would they do to her? How long would they hold her? Ulquiorra himself would no longer be there to come and rescue her. It wasn't as though Kurosaki Ichigo would have the ability to do so either. No one would be able to save her.

Ulquiorra felt a sense of futility come over him as he saw that there was nothing that he could do. There was nowhere he could go. He could not stay with her; he could not leave her; he could not take her away. So long as she was with him, she would be in danger. So long as he was on the run, she would be in danger. By accepting his presence as she had and by declaring their love to the Shinigami tonight, her own fate had been sealed. She would now be declared an enemy of Soul Society in the eyes of the Shinigami. Even if not an enemy, she would be considered an accomplice and a source of information to be taken and used as needed. No. He would not allow that. He would keep her safe. He would do anything that it took to accomplish that. But what could he do?

Over and over, around and around, Ulquiorra wrestled with his thoughts. There was so little time! How soon would the Shinigami return for him? A week? A day? An hour? Something had to be done, and it had to be done immediately. For all he knew, they could be hunting for Orihime and himself even now. There was no time.

Like a cold fog on a dreary night, a solution gradually came to him. Wrapping its cold appendages around his consciousness like a harbinger of despair, the thought informed him that there was one way. For a long time, Ulquiorra fought against it, wanting there to be another way. Surely there was some option that would enable them to remain together or to at least give the hope that they might one day be together again, even if not for right now.

No. There wasn't. Struggle as he might, he knew that there was only one option: one way to keep her safe. There was only one thing that he could do to ensure her safety, once and for all. She would not understand. If he tried to explain, she would never allow him to do it. He could not tell her. It torn at him to think that she might feel that he had abandoned her, but he knew that he had no choice. He knew what he had to do. And for her sake, he would do it.

Pressing his arms around Orihime's shoulders once more, trembling as he crushed the urge hold onto her forever, he lowered his head to kiss her hair. He breathed in her scent. He drank in the softness of her hair and body. He memorized the feel of every curve, pressed against himself. Then, forcing himself back again, he slid his left hand carefully under her stomach to press the spiritual release on his belt.

Standing above her and looking down at her again, Ulquiorra had never been so grateful for his gigai nor so passionately inclined to destroy it. The lifeless body that she had earlier described as 'attractive' lay beneath her, its right arm draped across her back as the left hand still touched the release. Ulquiorra was tempted to move the left hand back to her shoulders in the hopes of delaying her recognition of what had happened, but he did not do so. Instead, he knelt carefully beside her, gently pressed his cold lips to her right temple, just above the ear, then rose again without a sound. He knew what he had to do. He knew that she would not understand, but he hoped that she would someday forgive him.

It was the most difficult thing that Ulquiorra had ever done as he tore himself away from gazing at her. He turned his back and stood silently, eyes closed, facing the dark forest and sensing for any nearby presence. There was nothing that could be any threat: neither beast nor human, neither Hollow nor Shinigami. He extended his senses even further to be sure. There was nothing beyond the small woodland creatures of the night. With a quiet sigh, he again opened his eyes. Then, refusing to look back, he sonidoed into the darkness.

"Ishida Uryū."

Uryū woke with a start, feeling a powerful, dark presence very close to himself. When he saw the silhouette standing over him, he leapt out of bed, forming his bow instinctively, and pressing an arrow to the string. He then paused. The figure hadn't moved.

"Ulquiorra-san?" he asked.

"Yes."

Dropping his arm and allowing the bow to shrink back to nothingness, Uryū switched on a lamp and lifted his glasses from the nightstand with a sigh.

"May I ask what you are doing in my room?" he asked calmly, straightening his spectacles.

"Inoue Orihime is in need of protection ... and comfort."

Instantly, Uryū's head jerked upward as he stared at the Espada in shock. "What?" he demanded.

"You will find her in the midst of the woods, about three miles south-west of here. I would be grateful if you would go to her."

"What happened?"

"I do not have time to explain. She can tell you, when she awakens."

"Is she hurt?"

"No. She is sleeping."

"Then..."

"Will you go to her?"

Ishida hesitated. "You're not going to tell me what happened? Nor why you want me to go to her, rather than going yourself?"

"No."

Again, Uryū sighed. He pressed his glasses back a bit further and then nodded. "Very well," he answered. "I will go."

"You will keep her safe?"

"Of course. I would never let anything happen to her."

"Thank you."

"Ulquiorra," said Uryū quickly as the other started to turn away. "Where are you going?"

Ulquiorra paused. His gaze fixed on the wall, and he didn't answer immediately. At last, he said simply, "I'm going to make sure that she is kept safe; that no harm will come to her on my account."

"I don't know what's going on," replied Uryū, "but I think that when she's with you, she's already safe."

"No," Ulquiorra shook his head. "Not anymore."

Ishida stepped forward to stand in front of him. "What happened?" he asked firmly.

Again, Ulquiorra did not reply. His expressionless eyes betrayed nothing as he returned the Quincy's firm gaze.

"Go to her," he said at last. "Keep her safe." He turned away but then paused. Glancing back, he said, "If you would refrain from waking her for at least one hour, I would be grateful."

With that, he turned and disappeared from the room, leaving Uryū in silence and darkness.

Tōshirō stood on a grassy knoll, waiting for his third and fourth seat to report back to him. He had instructed Matsumoto to take Hachi and the other kidō warriors and to return to Soul Society with their report, while he himself supervised a final survey of the area with his third and fourth seat warriors. He didn't expect them to find anything. The Espada was far beyond their level. Of course, the Arrancar did have the woman with him which could slow him somewhat, but Tōshirō still doubted that it would be enough.

Interrupting his thoughts and startling him greatly, the Hollow in question appeared suddenly before him. He was no longer hidden in the spiritual suppression gigai, but rather stood calmly, undisguised, dressed in his pristine Arrancar robes with his Zanpakutō at his side. Tōshirō snatched for the hilt of his own Zanpakutō, but the Espada simply looked at him non-threateningly. Tōshirō hesitated, not drawing his blade.

"Well?" he asked.

Moving slowly and deliberately, Ulquiorra removed his Zanpakutō, still in its sheath, and offered it to the little captain before him. Tōshirō simply frowned.

"I surrender myself to you, Shinigami-taichō."