My dear little broccolisđź’šđź’šđź’š
đź’šSweetie, Let Me Give You The Daddyđź’š
"The best investment I ever made, was when I lost fifty million dollars and met the love of my life as a result of that."
‼️Rated M - {Out Of Characters/All Human/Alternate Universe}‼️
‼️Romance/Angst/Drama/Lemons‼️
‼️AS/CG/The Greys/The Steeles/José Rodriguez/Grace Grey‼️
đź’šNow, in case it wasn't clear, this will be a Christian POV story. and I know you will want Ana's PoV, but it will just be Christian.
đź’š READ & REVIEW, DON'T BE A SILENT READER đź’š
Chapter 28: Just Because You Have The Sweets, Doesn't Make You The Daddy (5,4K)
So this title is obvious, no? You need to thank Miss G Cat for it!
52 cards in a deck
52 weeks in a year
52 ways to show my love for you
52 places I'd like to visit with you
Christian kept staring at the skyline from his office, the deck of cards from Dubai in one hand whilst his other held an umpteenth glass of whiskey. He had almost finished the bottle by then, but he didn't care. He just wanted to numb his feelings.
The deck of cards had been anything but random. There was still the one from Thanksgiving in his nightstand in New York, but … he had a feeling he knew what it would be. The two decks he had on his desk had the same recurring headline: '52 cards in a deck, 52 weeks in a year, 52 ways to show my love to you'.
With the cards from Dubai, Ana had attributed each symbol to a destination and then given thirteen things they could do in each destination. Diamond for Hong Kong, because it was where he had made her feel special, clubs for Paris because it was where he had made her feel lucky, spade for London because it was where she knew she could show him around, and heart for Vegas because it was where she knew she had fallen for him.
The cards from Hong Kong were a bit more of a stance, they were fifty-two ways she wished he could be more present. In their relationship (spade), with their daughter (diamond), with his family (club), with her (heart).
For so long he had wanted nothing more than proofs of her love, and he had it all along, just collecting dust because he had been too proud to open a goddamn present. She had literally given him her heart in every conceivable way. Through speech, through her body, through her words.
And because he thought a deck of cards was not worth his time, he had disregarded it. Because he had thought charity work wasn't as important as his company, he had disregarded her aspiration. Because he had felt his time was worth more than hers, he stopped putting effort into their love life. As she had said, as of late, he stopped taking pride in giving pleasure as much as he did accepting it. He just took and took and took … and now ….
He let out a heavy sigh, his eyes burning with exhaustion, alcohol and tears. Though their conversation kept echoing, it was the way he saw her crumble before his eyes that was branded in his brain and wouldn't give him peace of mind. The way he saw her heart shatter on the floor as she desperately tried to hold herself together. The way she couldn't bear being in the same room as "the cruel man" who had turned her this way.
"You're a cruel man, Christian Grey."
That's what she told him before falling to pieces and crying her heart out. He had made the woman he loved miserable enough to cry. And what's worse, she didn't feel comfortable enough to cry in front of him. She had fled from him because she couldn't bear being in the same room as him.
"Give me time and space."
Christian poured himself yet another glass, his silver eyes still lost in the skyline illuminated by the thousands of lights. How had he let things go this far? He had his whole life under control, and … because he had been too focused on his stupid speech, he had missed Valentine's Day, and everything went downhill from there.
For a moment, he lived in a sweet reality where he did not call Roger to work on his speech, but went home, spent the evening with Grace, praising her dinner and her gift, giving her the present that Ana had procured for him, and then making sweet love to Ana in their bed. That was how their evening had been supposed to go. Not the disaster where he ended up calling the woman he loved an orphan who knew nothing. Not that cruel wakeup call.
He briefly wondered if he would have noticed on his own. If he would have ever seen her weight loss, the emptiness behind her smile, the nothing of her life, without the fiasco of Valentine's. But in his heart of hearts, Christian knew that he wouldn't have. He had been happy. She had made him happy, selling her soul, her sense of self, her heart in the process.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, replaying the Sunday that he just lived. Trying to find one thing to hold on to. But … the Ana he fell in love with was nowhere to be seen. As she said, she gave herself wholly to him, and there was nothing left. Gone was her presence, her spontaneity, her little dances and songs, her laughter … Gone was Ana.
How many times over the past months had he listened to her, but not heard what she was saying? How many times had he asked her to do something just because it would make him happy? Just like when Ana said shortly after Dubai that she wanted to go to Canada and visit her friend there. Just for a weekend. Her friend who was a former prostitute…
For so long, Christian had considered himself an open-minded man, he didn't care much about Mia's profession because it didn't affect him directly. In fact, when Ana was still under contract, he had even hoped it would loosen up her strong moralities about receiving money from men (well, him). But now that Ana was firmly on his arm, he didn't want her to go all the way to Canada with someone who had made such poor life choices.
"Just have her fly here. I will get her first-class tickets," he said, as Ana tried for the third time to get him to go to Canada with her and Grace. He had so much work to do, and he was certainly not going to sacrifice his precious time to spend it with a former hooker.
"It's okay. I can go with Grace. We'll discover Montreal together," Ana said gently, turning over in the bed and making Christian sigh.
He didn't want Grace to spend too much time with Mia either. If Mia was going to be near the girls, so would he. He didn't trust that girl. In fact, he didn't trust many people around Ana. Even Jose was starting to get on his nerves with his eyes saying much more than his mouth. It was as if all of Ana's friends were set on keeping her as far away as possible from him and he wouldn't have that.
"Babe…I thought weekends were our family time. How can we have that if you are miles away in Canada?" He cooed, taking her in his arms and kissing her neck, hoping that she would see reason.
"But you're working on weekends, anyway."
"From home. I have to work. If Mia really wants to see you, she'll make the effort to come and see you. I'll pay for her plane tickets, don't worry."
God, he was an asshole. Every step of the way, he used her dreams and desires against her. Mostly the ones about love and family. That was how he got rid of Hyde, how he got her to turn down the Governor, how he got her to stop confiding in him about her anxiety about motherhood and loneliness, how he got her to isolate herself from other people without him even trying to do anything.
And every time she talked to him, he kissed away her worries, every time she tried to get him to be home more often, he had sent flowers, every time she had tried to book an appointment with him as ASH, he had cancelled it.
Her diary said it all. She was … unhappy, and it was because of him. Because in addition to taking her love, he had never properly returned it …
With anger, he threw his glass at the window, shattering the poor small receptacle against the fortified glass. He was losing her, and if he lost her, he would lose Grace as well. Grace only loved the image her mother had made of him. She loved the daddy who sent her a piano teacher, who got her a thoughtful Valentine's present, who called her every day. The daddy he wasn't, the daddy he had never been, nor even tried to be. Because Ana made it possible for him to feel loved by both girls without him putting in any effort.
"Give me time and space."
He looked at his phone, his fingers hovering over Ana's number as the sun started to rise on the horizon. He didn't want to give her time and space. He didn't want her to clear her thoughts and realise she was better off without him. He didn't want her to say that…he had been Henry all over again.
He never should have left home. He should have followed her to the library and held her in his arms. Even if she tried to kick him out, he should have gone to her and showed her that he was there. But… "Give me time and space."
And for what? To go back to that sweet illusion, she had turned into his reality? This reality where she thought she didn't matter to him? How had he gone so far that the woman he loved thought he never cared for her?! She called herself a mistress. A mistress of all things! Ana, whom he had continuously loved for five long years, despite the radio silence, Ana for whom he had bought a ring without thinking twice of his plans to never get married, Ana who had been a constant in his mind for the past eight years now … a mistress …
With anger, he got up, pacing through his office as he tried to reign in his rising temper. It didn't make sense! She was supposed to know him better than anybody else, know he would move earth and the seas for her. She was his centre, and he wasn't even man enough to make her understand that.
What was the point of him holding the world in the palm of his hand if Ana couldn't tell he would lay it all at her feet?
As rage took over him, he trashed his office, trying to get this gut-wrenching feeling inside of him to dissolve. There was more to this, he knew there was, but he didn't want to admit it. He just wanted to forget the past couple of days and forget that the woman he loved thought she wasn't worth being on a stupid podium that did not even exist, to begin with.
.~°~. .~°~. .~°~.
"Mr Grey. Your mother is here to see you."
Christian glared at the intercom, recalling that his mother had told him that she would come and see him first thing in the morning. For a brief second, he considered sending her away, he knew what she was going to say, and he did not want to hear it. Not after this terrible night of Ana laying her heart out in monotone and him drinking throughout the rest of the night, trashing his office like a petulant child. But this was his mistake, his shame, and now he had to face the consequences.
With a sigh, Christian got up from the floor to press on the intercom as he cleared his throat and strongly let his assistant know, "Conference room, Andrea. And we need coffee. Make mine a double. Then get the cleaner to my office."
He had refused her access earlier when she came, but someone was going to need to clean the mess he made. At least his literal mess. He gathered his two precious boxes holding his decks of cards and put them on the top shelf, above his expensive and rare liquor, before he went to his bathroom to take a quick and cold shower, to look somehow presentable to his mother, and later his partners.
Then he joined Grace Grey in the conference room, rushing to his coffee as his mother looked suspiciously at him. Before she could say anything, he explained in a grunt, closing the blinds to shield himself from the light of the sun, "Rough night."
She did not say anything, her eyes dead set on him as he drank the hot drink, hoping it would help him get through the day. Pulling an all-nighter and mixing it with a whole bottle of old whiskey had certainly not been his best move.
"Why did you want to see me, Mom?" He asked, closing his eyes and leaning his head back.
"No reason, really. I just wanted to talk about Ana. You know, the mother of my granddaughter."
This made him snap his eyes open to glare at her. Did she think he was so dense that he would forget who Ana was? Sure, he hadn't been present much lately, but he was not that stupid.
"I know who Ana is," he gritted through his teeth, and his mother seemed unfazed by his tone and anger.
"Oh. Nothing you want to tell me about her, then? Nothing you'd like to ask about her attitude as of late?"
He wasn't sure what broke him. Maybe it was the sleepless night, or maybe he didn't wash off the alcohol in the shower. Then again, maybe it was the professional tone his mother used. He couldn't tell exactly what actually broke him. But he knew that he was suddenly planting the back of his palms in his eye sockets in a desperate attempt not to cry as he begged his mother to not say what she came here to say.
"Please Mom…don't say it."
He heard her move, and she was by his side, rubbing his back as if he was a child. A five-year-old, not a grown man who had accomplished so much for himself.
"You'll feel better if you talk, Christian darling."
"How is saying I drove my girlfriend into depression going to make me feel better?!" He snapped. There - he had said it. The thing he had done his best not to acknowledge ever since he had read Ana's diary was coming to light. She was depressed. He didn't need to be a shrink to understand that. The only thing that was still holding her together was Grace and the love Ana had for her daughter.
"That's what I thought," Grace Sr said, matter-of-factly and he glared at her. As a mother or as a shrink, she was supposed to make him feel better, not make him feel worse.
"You thought I'd drive the woman I love into depression!?"
"Of course not. But Ana has been showing all the signs. She stopped all contact with friends and family, and only contacted us for Grace. She doesn't speak unless spoken to. She doesn't entertain any hobbies anymore. She doesn't feel passion for her job anymore. She lost a lot of weight, and I am sure that the bags under her eyes show that she has problems with sleep as well. It does look like the only reason she keeps on … functioning is her daughter, and that's not good."
Christian took a deep breath, ignoring his tears as his mother showed that he had not been paying attention at all. She noticed Ana's odd behaviour, barely seeing her at all, and he was living with the woman and had to be put in front of the cold hard truth. It was no wonder why Ana doubted his love, this was clear proof that he took her for granted.
"Has…something happened lately? Your father mentioned that she might have … had a miscarriage?"
He scoffed, selfishly thinking that he wished it was something so simple. A miscarriage, he could fix. Being responsible for Ana's depression … what could he do?
"No. It's my fault, Mom. She's dead, and it's my fucking fault."
She raised an eyebrow at him, and something in the way she was looking at him made Christian sure that she knew exactly what he had done and that she never believed his father's theories of baby blues.
"She tried to tell me she wasn't feeling well, but I didn't listen. I was too wrapped up in my own happiness that she made possible. I never made her feel loved, or wanted, barely even needed. All she asked for was a bit of time, and I couldn't give her that. I kept her in our apartment and assumed that she was content with that."
"Why didn't you give her time?"
"You know why." She's trying to play shrink on me, but I don't have the patience for it. I have a girlfriend to win back, at all costs. "I … I have just been a terrible boyfriend and a terrible father."
"You missed Valentine's," Grace said for her son, and he pitifully nodded, feeling bile rise in his throat.
"I missed more than that, we both know it. I missed so many things and Ana covered my ass each and every time. And when she called me out on my shit Friday night, when she tried to tell me that I ought to pay more attention to my kid I threw it back in her face, telling her she didn't know anything about raising a family because…"
He stopped himself, his head hanging in shame. He still couldn't believe that he had used Ana's past against her, using her one insecurity against her. He never actually cared that she didn't have a family, because it never seemed to bother her. She had made peace with it. In fact, not even once had she brought up her past in a negative light. There were always some moments when she had been sad that she had nothing to say about her past in regard to family, but it never overwhelmed her, it was always a passing thing.
And now, he had turned this one scar that she had healed long before him, he had twisted it into something wicked and used it to hit her when she was already down. He wasn't an asshole, he was a monster.
Grace Sr sternly looked at her son, and when she spoke Christian heard the disappointment and disdain in her voice. "Ana is a better parent on her down days than you'll ever be on your best days. You may love your daughter, Christian, I don't doubt that, but being a parent is more than that. It's also being there for the ugly.
Ana has raised, taken care and nourished Grace since the day she was born. And yes, I am sure there were times she could have done things better. But Grace has never been left wanting for anything that matters. Ana nourished her morally, intellectually, affectionately, and even spiritually at some level.
How dare you tell the mother of your child she knows nothing about raising a family when she's the one holding your family together? Do you know how Grace talks about you? She says 'Mama said Daddy'. Without Ana, Grace would know very little about her father."
Christian rubbed his forehead, hating the new lash coming at him. Now that he was thinking about it, it was a recurrent theme, having Grace tell him that her mother already told him something about himself. It was now a certitude: if he lost Ana, he would ultimately lose Grace as well.
"She's going to leave me," he lamented, and his mother did nothing to comfort him and reassure him that it was impossible, that she loved him too much and that they would get through this ugly stage.
He looked at her, and she shook her head with pity. "I know this may hurt you but honestly, she should leave you. I know you take pride in who you are, but the sad truth is, you've always been rather prone to apathy, and Ana is the one paying for the consequences. And it's not fair to her."
"I'm not a sociopath, Mom," He growled, looking away from her, hating that his own mother thought that he was some sort of emotional monster. It was one thing that he thought it of himself, it was another thing to have his mother confirm it.
"Actually, you are. Not in the sense society likes to depict them, but you've always been antisocial. On the shortlist, you lack social skills, you've always refused to show your feelings or invest in them or the feelings of those around you, you feel superior to everyone else and I'm pretty sure you've stopped respecting what is morally right a long time ago. And let's not forget that you clearly don't learn from your mistakes."
Christian gritted his teeth, though he refused to admit she might be right. "I learn from my mistakes. Otherwise, Ana would still be in New York and you never would have heard about her or Grace."
"Do you, though? Why did you include Ana back in your life? Was it because you realised that whatever happened between you two made you grow and you wanted to start again and get the chance to be with your daughter? Or was it because she had slipped away once, and you refused to let that happen again?"
He looked in front of him, wishing it had been his father talking to him instead of his mother. For starters, conversations had always been easier with Carrick, but also, because right now, he was feeling worse and worse, and it wasn't even eight in the morning yet.
"I can't be to blame for all of it. She held out on me. She never told me …" He stopped himself. What didn't she say? She told him about her insecurities, about her dreams, about her feelings of inadequacy. Several times, she told him that she was with him for the long haul. And as Carrick pointed out on Christmas, Ana's way of saying she loved him was subtle. Like the decks of cards, he never opened.
"You know Christian, my parents never said the words, not even once. People get lost in the illusion that saying I love you is the ultimate way of proving one's love, but … But it's something you show, not tell. I never heard Ana say the words to Grace, and more than once, Grace casually assured me that her mother loved her. If you need to hear the words, it's not on Ana, it's on you. It's your insecurity that you have to work on because I can assure you, everyone looking can tell she loves you."
For a long while, he said nothing, his brain numb. It was like falling in a bottomless pit, with nothing to slow his descent.
"So, what do I do?" He asked, silently pleading his mother for a miracle solution. "How do I fix this? How do I fix her?"
"Look in the mirror, Christian. Take a hard look and ask yourself. What can't you live without? Work or your family? You tried having both, and you obviously failed. If you have to pick, which one would you sacrifice? Don't say what society wants you to pick, because you will go back to where you are.
If it is your family you want to prioritise, you will have to learn to let go at work, let others take responsibilities, make decisions for you. You will have to learn to oversee and delegate. Doing things from afar, and not being so controlling and hands-on.
If it is your company … you will have to let the girls go. It's not fair to either of them to keep them locked in a golden cage where one withers in order to save the other. You will have to let Ana go back to her own life, where you are just the father of her child and nothing more, and you will have to see Grace when she will be in your custody, and that's it."
He thought about it, looking in the proverbial mirror to see what he could live without, but the truth was, "I don't want to let either of them go"
"Life isn't always about what you want, Christian. It's understandable that you can't let go of your company, it's your baby, and you built it from the ground up. But in that case, you have to let the girls go. If you really love them, you have to let them go."
.~°~. .~°~. .~°~.
After his mother left, Christian had a meeting with Jamie and Roxanne, in a video conference with Ros. He let Jamie lead the meeting, doing his best to stay focused on the conversation as he assumed his usual position of leaning his forehead against his fingers as his elbow rested on the arm of his chair with his leg crossed and his eyes closed.
When the meeting was over, he kept his eyes closed, and said,
"I want you to stay here Jamie. I won't need you in London."
He had been planning this trip for over a week now and the only reason he didn't ask the girls to follow him was that Grace did so well in school. Jamie did not say a word, and so Christian snapped his eyes open, only to find the man staring oddly at him. He reached for his pocket and handed him a small orange box.
"Ana said you might have a headache this morning, but you never have painkillers with you."
Christian took the box, his mother's words echoing in his brain. Yet another way Ana proved her love. She knew he would drink and made sure that he wouldn't suffer through the headache growing at this very moment. He swallowed two pills, as he nonchalantly said,
"You're in charge of the boat whilst I'm gone. Don't fuck up my company, Miller." This was a leap of faith, but it was a calculated one. Jamie never even once fucked up anything. In fact, he even inflated some deals in his favour. And Ros was sure as hell going to be on his back. And…it was just until Ana asked him to come home. Two, three days, max.
Then he got up and told Jamie to handle the day without him since he was in charge. He told Roxanne (who happened to have long lashes as Ana had noted in her diary) to be ready for eight this evening and that a cab would pick her up so they could take the jet. He wanted to make a stop to New York and see his box.
He went straight home, hoping to see Ana and talk to her, though he had no idea of what he was going to tell her. But she was nowhere in sight. For a brief moment, he panicked, before remembering that she had told the Governor that she would see him in his office, and so he told Gail to pack his bag for him, before slumping on the couch and looking at the skyline.
All his life, he had enjoyed panoramic views the best. He loved them and how they made him feel. Powerful and successful. And all night long, he thought of one thing only, the fact that the best view he ever had might actually be something of the past. He never found something better than Ana's mischievous smile. Nothing but her ever brought him peace and serenity. And … he might lose that forever.
Ana came home just before lunch, and Christian was on his feet as soon as she crossed the threshold. He saw the surprise in her eyes when she saw him, but she didn't say anything, just removed her heels before going to the kitchen sink to wash her hands.
"Eat with me?" He proposed, getting closer to her, and she turned to him, with that smile he knew was fake. "I'm not hungry."
"Please. I've missed your cooking." He pleaded and she nodded, though she did not cook, she just warmed up something that Gail had already prepared and left in the fridge. She didn't put a plate for herself either, so Christian let her know of his plans for the rest of the day.
"I…I'd like to pick up Grace from school, today."
"She'll love it."
He cleared his throat, looking at the broccoli on his fork. "I … I am also going to London, tonight."
At this, she paled, her beautiful (but dead) blue eyes suddenly flooding with panic, "You're taking Grace."
"No! Of course, not. I … have some business there."
She let out a relieved breath and smiled, getting up to pour herself a glass of water, to Christian's relief. It wasn't wine.
"Well, you'll get to christen your apartment. Don't forget to send pictures to Grace, she will surely want to know all about it."
As if he was going to set foot in her apartment when she wasn't with him. He let out a sigh and got up, taking Ana in his arms and praying to all that was holy that she would not reject him. She set her glass down and rested her head against his chest, and the only thing he could think of telling her was the horrible truth.
"I'll miss you."
"Me too."
He revelled in those small two little words. So simple, so mundane, but so important to him. There was so much he wanted to say, but she had asked for time and space. So, he kissed her hair, holding her slightly closer to him as he let her know the unmovable truth,
"I love you, Ana. I'll always love you, no matter what."
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.~°~. .~°~. .~°~.
đź’šYour thoughts and opinions are always welcomedđź’š
💚 Aaaaaaaand this is the LAST CHAPTER. Such a beautiful story. So sweet and cute … If you know me (and after two whole stories you should), you know what's coming, right?
đź’š And yes, there is an epilogue coming.
đź’šNow question time,
1. Okay, I just want to point out that Grace Sr was there as a Mom, not a therapist.
2. We finally know what was in those boxes! What did you think?
3. And to make it all clear. Christian is going on business in London (that has been hinted for a few chapters now), and he is going with Roxanne, leaving Jamie to take care of GEH for a while.
4. And he is respecting Ana's wishes for time and space … a bit to the extreme, I will give you that XD
5. And yes, Ana was depressed for the majority of the story and it's sad that people were so quick to judge that she was a doormat or submissive. Depression is hard people, and all the signs were there, Christian just didn't want to acknowledge them. Once again, I never claimed he was a reliable narrator. But he chose to ignore that she was falling into depression, though twice he saw the light die in her eyes, without ever trying to make her feel better after. He made himself feel better, and that's it. Sure, Ana has her flaws, but in this part of the story, she did try to tell him, she did try to make him see, and nothing happened. And once again, there is no point in her going to therapy if she doesn't want to. She doesn't like to talk to people, and only talked to a very few people, she would not talk in therapy. Though therapy helps, it's not always the answer. That was long, but it was sad seeing people being all over her case when her depression was evident to other people …
6. As per usual, what was your favourite part? AND a twist, what was your most heartbreaking moment?
7. And yes, it is bittersweet, but I am French, and we love bittersweet XD
đź’š E L James owns the names of the characters from the Fifty Shades franchise, Everything else is mine (including the mistakes and grammar errors).
Love, Mina đź’šđź’šđź’š