Dallas, Texas

Observing Miss Ellie's body language as she spoke, Sue Ellen could tell she was uncomfortable with some of the thoughts she was having, however, unlike Jock and JR, she wasn't simply shying away and cutting the conversation short because things became a bit tense. She hadn't intended for her mother-in-law to become so emotionally affected, though she couldn't say she wasn't a little pleased by the turn of events. All adults had been children at some point and in many ways JR was still a child, he needed parents who understood how much their love meant to their children and who were mature enough people to admit when they had been wrong and ask what they could do in the future to better their relationship. Watching as Miss Ellie slowly took a drink of her coffee and then took a deep breath, she was pleased when she began to speak and explain her thoughts and actions a little more; nobody was perfect, but being able to talk about imperfection was necessary for healing and future growth.

"Look, Sue Ellen, I don't know what else to say. I acknowledge that Jock and I made mistakes and you have no idea how much I wish I had known back then what I know now, but I can't change the past and I can't undo the consequences of the past. You and JR are lucky, you've had a lot of time to think and plan you're very conscious of how your present affects the future, but I wasn't that lucky and as I just said, hindsight is a funny thing, it only occurs after an event. Do I wish Gary were here in Dallas like JR and Bobby are? Yes, I do, and I regret every day that I didn't do enough to keep him here when it was clear he was about to leave, but even before that, I regret whatever aspect of my parenting meant he grew up without enough resilience to withstand the hard times he faced as Jock Ewing's son and as Lucy Ewing's father. With Bobby, I regret not paying enough attention to his challenges these past couple of years, because I do think things could have turned around the way they have now a lot sooner if Jock and I hadn't been so oblivious to Bobby's true wants. I do hope Bobby is happy now, not just in his business life but in his personal life too. Then there's JR, like I said, JR was the son I gave up too soon, and like I said, John Ross is very lucky to have you and JR as parents, because you're so conscious of how you're parenting him. I shouldn't have allowed Jock to solely parent JR and I do regret not making time for my little boy when he was still a little boy, because by the time he was a teenager and then a young man, it was too late to really regain the lost closeness we'd had".

She hadn't realised until it was too late, but her actions all those years ago had established the distant and confusing relationship she and JR still had with each other. He had to have known she loved him and still loved him very much, because she wasn't an evil woman, but to a young child, knowing that a parent's love existed, but not feeling it, had to be a very confusing and damaging thing. Whatever close relationship had existed between them in the past had ceased when she had naively handed him off to his father to raise and they'd moved into a new territory from that point. They were polite and generally acquainted with each other, but regretfully, they weren't close, not the way she and Gary had been when he was growing up, or even the way she and Bobby had been and were coming back to now. Really, it was only a few years ago, just before he had started dating Sue Ellen that she had begun to try to reinsert herself in his life, though she wondered now whether her motivations back then had been as pure as she had tried to pretend. She had judged a lot of his life choices and tried to push him toward 'the right path' more than she had just accepted him as he was and made an effort to get to know him after years of distance.

"You're JR's wife, you know him and I'm sure he's shared more with you than he has me, and I had never really thought about it before now, but I imagine it must have been very difficult for him to transition from being an only child to a big brother and focused heir. Do you think JR would speak to me about this like we are now? I want to apologise for the emotionally confusion I must've caused him when I began to treat Gary the way I used to treat him. I never saw it before and I suppose I'll never have a full picture, but I can see more clearly now where I should have stepped in, or in an ideal world, never stepped out. Jock's distance with John Ross has been a concern for me for some time, I saw it and I told him so, but I was never strong enough to truly have a serious discussion about how what occurs now affects the future. The way Jock was with John Ross doesn't reflect the way he was with any of our sons, because even with Gary up until they began to clash, Jock paid attention; there are things I wish I had noticed in our sons' lives like I noticed with John Ross though. I wish I could change the past and change how the present looks, but I can't and we have to accept that and I do think it helps to remember the positive things that we have".

"I can't speak for Jock and his relationship with JR when he was a child, he'll have to do that himself, but I do think I understand some things about him. Jock is a perfectionist, he has high expectations for himself and for those around him and unfortunately for JR, it's not easy being the eldest and first person to deal with those expectations. Unfortunately too though it's only from experience that we learn, so JR was the one who may have received treatment we wouldn't repeat later with our other sons, and it's easy to slip back into old habits when you've been out of practice for a while. I think this weekend with John Ross is exactly what Jock needed to spur his memories of Bobby and Lucy's childhoods and help him to realise that children aren't all about expectations and achievements, sometimes they are just enjoyable. I think Jock was being truthful when he made the excuse regarding John Ross' age though; he didn't really start spending time with our sons until they could walk and talk, before then it was a quick hold, some knee bouncing and a hug before bed, but like I said before, times were different and nobody thought anything of it. I have no excuse for my behaviour toward JR, looking back at my actions I know I didn't transition him well and I can't even begin to explain what was going on in my head when I figured that since he and Jock were spending time together, I wasn't needed as much. I can't explain why I thought that way for years later either, but I did, and I do regret thinking that way. JR and I have had very few personal moments in our lives and those that we have had were mostly related to his relationship with you, and thinking about it now, I regret that too. As I keep saying, none of this occurred to me before and I don't know why, so thank you for asking me and I'm sorry I can't give you a better answer, I simply don't know myself".

Listening to her mother-in-law speaking, Sue Ellen could feel her sadness and confusion and she truly did feel a bit sorry for her. She had originally believed that there had to have been some conscious decision by Jock and Miss Ellie to divide their love and attention between their sons as they had, but in speaking to her, it appeared that it was much more complicated than that. She was still looking for answers as to how it had seemed logical for Miss Ellie to swap caregiving of one son for another, without withdrawal or regret. She was still looking for answers as to how it had been so easy and natural for Miss Ellie to just hand over control of her first baby, the little boy she had done everything for and who had relied on her for everything. How was it not an equally horrific experience for her as it was for JR being ripped away from her love and care? How did she justify not including him in everything when he was at home and not shadowing Jock at work or out on the ranch? She was still looking for any information she could find regarding Jock and what had been going through his mind at the time of 'receiving' JR as his responsibility, and how he decided on what JR would and wouldn't learn and at what age he was old enough to do so. To her, it appeared that handing JR over at such a young age and in such a messy fashion had done a lot of harm and little good and she was still shocked by how little recognition JR's parents had had and still had with John Ross before other people pointed it out to them. She still had a lot of questions she had only received vague answers to, but Miss Ellie did seem to be trying and she did believe that her emotional, confused response was true and not an act. Smiling kindly and nodding, she stayed silent for a few moments before quietly whispering, "thank you", to her mother-in-law, she didn't have all of the information she had wanted, but she had enough and that was something.

To be continued…