Dallas, Texas

Tightening his grip on his glass, JR listened as Sue Ellen spoke. After saying they needed to talk and indicating she had finished her dinner, she had suggested moving back into the living room for another drink, and while that drink was satisfying to his taste buds, it was doing nothing to calm his nerves. He didn't want to be so affected by his feelings about his parents, but he couldn't deny or control that he was, and with Sue Ellen's brief indication that his mother hadn't been referring solely to Gary when she had spoken about her parenting regrets, his mind and heart were now racing.

"…so we were talking and she was so wrapped up in how much Jock had changed and how obvious it all was to her and to him after a while that the way he was treating John Ross wasn't right. It all just seemed so strange to me, so I asked, and she went silent, and then she gave me an answer, an honest answer. Please, don't think I was trying to create drama or stick my nose in where I don't belong, because I wasn't; you know just how painful and unconventional my childhood was and you know that I empathise with you very deeply. I love you and I want to help you by understanding you and as part of that, I think I should try to make an effort to try to understand the people around you. So when your mama made it sound like it was obvious to her that Jock was being aloof with John Ross, I felt compelled to ask why she didn't notice it when it was you in that position. I'm not trying to be judgemental, in fact, that's the last thing I want to be; I want to help you, I want to be the one lean on and can be open and honest with about your feelings. We've been through too much for you to deny now that your relationship with your parents growing up wasn't what you wanted and didn't always make you feel loved. You have always deserved to have parents who love you and show you they love you, it's not something you have to earn and it's not right that you spent so many years trying desperately to do everything you could just to be noticed. You know that, I know that, and I think your mama knows that now too".

"That brings me back to what you were just asking, your mama wasn't talking solely about her regrets with Gary, she was talking about you too. She knows she messed up by stepping back from parenting you and handing you over to Jock when you were so young; she knows she did a terrible job explaining to you why that happened or showing you that she wasn't abandoning you, and she knows her actions damaged the relationship you two have with each other. She knows those things now and I honestly believe she genuinely regrets her actions during that time, but I think that regret has taken a long time to occur because she really had no idea how much it affected you until much later in life. I didn't get any answers from her as to why it didn't seem to bother her that one day you were hers and the next day you were thrust into Jock's control, never to be treated the same gentle, loving way again. I also didn't get any answers from her about why she didn't realise how badly she had messed up after Bobby was born and she and Jock figured out an equal, loving, supportive method of parenting him, and why it didn't occur to her to at least try to regain your trust and love. I did feel some emotion and recognition of mistakes though, and I think that's important".

"Your parents made mistakes, a lot of them, and it took them much too long to recognize and acknowledge those mistakes, and I understand that from your position, nothing is different, because no one is making any extra effort with you, but please, try and see how this is progress. If your daddy can recognize that John Ross needs love and positive attention and that a real connection can be built through play and tender moments, I think he's one step closer to realising his mistakes with you. Likewise, if your mama can recognize that the way she and Jock combined parenting responsibilities with Bobby turned him into a well-rounded person, and her actions toward you weren't fair, right or kind, and she's genuinely upset and ashamed about how long it took her to realise how much everything she did affected you, then I think that's progress. I think you need to talk to her, but I know that's not going to be easy or probably not very enjoyable either, and I know it doesn't seem fair that you have to be the one to say something first, because she's the one who needs to apologise, but please, keep an open mind. She might very well call you and ask you to talk, but she might not, she might still be in denial about her actions and how much they impacted you, or she might just be too ashamed to admit it to you. Whatever happens next though, I think we need to remember what Doctor Williams is always saying, it's not always easy to be the bigger person or to make the first move, but somebody has to do it, otherwise things are unlikely to change".

Downing the remaining contents of his glass as Sue Ellen finished speaking, JR remained silent as he comprehended everything she had just told him. "Screw what the doc says, I'm telling you now, I will not be the one to make the first move", breaking the silence, he spoke in a low, gruff voice. "If my mama wants to admit her failures, she's more than welcome to, but I don't have to listen and I don't have to forgive her, not if I don't believe her, which I'm sorry, but right now, I don't. You said it yourself, she had no idea how her actions affected me, so spare me the crap about her regretting her actions. You might empathise with me, but that doesn't change the fact that you weren't there when I was growing up and you weren't there during the years after Gary left. She may have been distracted while he was here, but she sure as hell didn't make any effort to get to know me again after he left, not even when Bobby was away at college and I was the only Ewing son living at Southfork. That's recent history and combined with what you admitted yourself you didn't get any answers regarding, I just do not believe that she's honestly that emotional or regretful about how she has treated me in the past and how that treatment has affected our relationship. Maybe I need to hear it from her, you seem to be convinced after speaking to her, but I sure as hell am not, and I'm sorry, but I have no desire to open myself up to more criticism, disappointment, or worse, indifference. I've had a lifetime of being third best and I'm not about to willingly cast myself into the spotlight for more of that attention". Getting up, he walked slowly over to the drinks cart, standing motionless, staring down at the bottles and glasses for a moment once he reached it before pouring himself another drink and downing it in one go. Standing silently for a few more moments, he then filled his glass again before turning and slowly walking back over to the couch. He didn't know what more he could say, but he knew his wife and he knew it would be a huge mistake and create a problem he didn't need right now if he simply walked out of the room, ending their conversation, even if that was what he wanted to do.

To be continued…