Dallas, Texas

"First of all, before I say anything else, I want to tell you how sorry I am, for my attitude and actions toward you when you were younger, and for a lifetime of being so oblivious to how those things were affecting you. I truly didn't understand before Sue Ellen and I started talking, I had no idea just how much the way I lived my life affected you, but when I did realise it, I immediately felt guilty, and so very sorry. I don't know how much you remember from when you were very young, but I remember a lot, but regrettably, my memories peter out around the time Gary was born, and I know that that's my fault. I never intended to ignore you or make you feel like you weren't an important member of this family, but I can see now that I also never did very much to ensure you didn't feel that way either. When Gary was born, he needed me in a different way than you did, he was so small and helpless, and you were bigger and more active, I needed time, and you needed attention, so at the time it seemed like a very natural transition to have you spend more time with your daddy. I don't know why, but it never occurred to me that you, my little shy boy, still needed me, and still wanted me. You didn't seem extremely unhappy with the change and I suppose, rightly or wrongly, I was so wrapped up in being a mother to a baby again that I didn't see much further than my own small little world. You're a father yourself, I'm sure you understand how much work babies are; I was at home by myself all day with Gary, and you were out of the house at school, or with your daddy at the office, out in the oil fields, or out on the ranch. By the time we came together for dinner at the end of the day, we were all exhausted, and I hadn't yet worked out how to handle multiple children, so I allowed that exhaustion to create distance between us. I feel awful thinking about it now, because those very early years of sleepless nights and absolute dependency don't last forever and Gary did eventually get older and become more independent, and yet I still allowed the distance between you and I to grow".

"I feel very guilty too about my lack of multitasking skills and the attention and experiences you missed that Gary and Bobby didn't when they were growing up. I think as much as I say now that I really didn't know how much damage I was doing to our relationship, I must have subconsciously known something, because I did make an effort to do things differently with Bobby. Gary wasn't that much older than you had been when I found out I was pregnant again, but that time, for reasons I can't explain, I knew I had to do things differently and I did things differently. By the time I realised I was capable of splitting my attention, and should do that, it was too late for our relationship; you were almost ten years old when Bobby was born and we weren't close at all, and I didn't know how to regain the closeness we'd had when you were an only child, so I didn't try. It's more complicated than that, yes, I admit that I didn't even think of our relationship as distant at times; you were your father's son, Gary was my son, and Bobby was our son, it all fit together and I thought it ran ok, so it wasn't cause for concern. I'm so very sorry that that was the case though, I can't even imagine how much it must have hurt you to feel like you weren't an important part of this family; you have no idea how guilty I felt when I realised that you did feel that way".

"When you were growing up I thought everything was how it was supposed to be; your daddy had always dreamed of having a son to follow in his footsteps, and my father had always had the same wish, so when things began to unfold as they did, and when they continued as you grew, I didn't think anything of it. You have to admit too, while it might not have been everything you needed, the way you were raised wasn't cause for constant upset. I saw your face and I heard your stories when you came back from your days with your daddy, and I saw the determination and pride you had when it came to doing well at school because it would allow you to succeed in business later in life. What I didn't see, and what I didn't think about was your fulfilment as a person independent of the things your daddy wanted you to be; where Gary and Bobby always had some other extracurricular interests, you were always focused on the things your daddy made sound important. Of course, there were women and whatever it was you did in your time away from the ranch in high school and college, but that's just it, I can't elaborate on what you did in your free time because I don't know. You're my son and until recently I really didn't know very much about you at all, and that's my fault, and I'm sorry, I really am. I don't know whether my apology will mean anything to you, or whether you even want to hear it, but I feel like I need to tell you, just so you know. Where we go to from here is up to you, but if you'll let me, I want to begin to get to know you again; I want to elaborate on those brief moments you and I have had together in our lives, the moments where we've been able to speak candidly and closely with each other".

Trying her best to explain herself, Miss Ellie remained clueless as to whether she was helping or hindering the situation, because the room remained silent and both JR and Jock had mastered the art of maintaining a neutral façade. Sue Ellen looked hopeful, but she was probably the most impressionable person in the room, so her emotions weren't a good indicator of general atmosphere. Waiting silently for a response, any response, she felt ill; she had made a lot of mistakes, and so had Jock, but Jock was refusing to acknowledge any of his mistakes, so she was alone in her efforts to apologise for the past and create a better future, and that was unnerving. She regretted her mistakes and if she could she would go back and change them, but she couldn't, and it wasn't really up to her anymore whether she and JR did ever mend their relationship. In a funny way, she was in a situation with JR that he had been in before, but this time the roles were reversed. There had been a time in JR's life where he had been the one who had had to pour his heart out and grovel for forgiveness, and then wait anxiously for Sue Ellen to decide whether she believed him and wanted to give him another chance. Now, she was in JR's position, she had just told him something very personal and she was waiting for him to decide whether or not he was prepared to listen and work with her.

To be continued…