Dallas, Texas
Sitting silently, with a stoic expression on his face, JR considered his mother's emotional outpouring. He was torn, on one hand, he did believe her, she wasn't the type of person to say things she didn't mean; on the other hand though, what did believing her have to do with anything? An apology didn't erase all of his bad memories and experiences and it certainly didn't neutralise his anger, hurt, or broken psyche. His mother meant well, he knew that much, but meaning well didn't fix everything and like he had told Sue Ellen many times before, it was going to take more than an apology to mend the relationship he had with his mother. Feeling Sue Ellen's hand in his, he looked at his wife and knew he had to say something though, even if he wasn't really sure what, so clearing his throat, he then muttered a few words, "well uh, thank you mama, I think you might actually mean what you just said…" Growing silent again as he acknowledged her apology, not even Sue Ellen's encouraging words and actions were enough to convince him to extend his own olive branch. He was still angry, he was still upset, and if he were to say anything more, those feelings would be hard to control. His mother's apologetic words were nice, but simply saying she regretted tossing him aside and never looking back didn't actually change the fact that she had done that. Likewise, it just didn't sit well with him that she was honestly excusing his father's expectations and parenting methods as just what was done back then, and that she really had the nerve to make it sound like just because he enjoyed the end result of his life as a Ewing that his feelings at the time didn't matter.
He hated feeling the way he did, he hated feeling vulnerable and sad, but even more so, he hated that in so many other contexts, he would be considered a whiny wuss. His father already thought Sue Ellen was making a big deal out of nothing and had already dismissed his attempts at talking about things like adults, so to open up even further in front of him now was extremely unappealing. Doctor Williams and Sue Ellen had taught him to break down his internal walls and talk about things, and with them he didn't find that to be too difficult anymore, but with other people who didn't understand the methods and reasons behind the art of talking, he found it very difficult to communicate. There was so much he wanted to say to his mother, but he didn't know how to. Out of respect he didn't want to shout at her and show her just how hurt he had been and how angry he still was, but at the same time he didn't feel comfortable saying it quietly, he didn't want to expose himself so completely in case it all went wrong, which could certainly happen with his father present. It was complicated and he didn't know what to say or how to say it, so apart from a few words, he stayed silent.
"I do, I really do. I'm sorry JR. I know this must be hard for you to hear, so I don't blame you for not saying more, but please, don't shut me out forever. I want things to change and I know they can if we talk about it and figure out how we move on from here…" Closing his eyes as he listened to his mother speaking again, he suddenly wished had had just shouted at her, not because he wanted to upset her or disrespect her, but because it was clear now that she was living in a fantasy world and in the majority of his life dealings, that just wasn't a level he operated on. Normally, he was a realist, and he found it difficult to accept that other people really didn't see things so harshly. Apart from when he was deliberately trying to create a world where everything was lovely and perfect, for example, when he was pursuing a woman, or telling John Ross a bedtime story, he didn't just think so optimistically and uncritically about things. Of course it was hard for him to hear his mother's apology, of course it was hard for him to confront all of the painful memories of his past, and of course he was finding it difficult to discuss everything. His memories weren't faded and barely analysed like his mothers were, they were old, but fresh, because he'd spent a lifetime living and reliving them. It had to be difficult for his mother to apologise and ask for his forgiveness and the opportunity to move on, but at the same time, to him, saying those things was the easy part and it seemed a bit presumptuous for her to assume it was appropriate to ask him to move on with their relationship already.
Like he had told Sue Ellen the previous evening, being realistic about the situation meant not envisioning that everything would be wrapped up in a perfect little package at the end of the conversation. Before any real forgiveness could occur, many painful memories would have to be dredged up, talked over, probably argued about, and then dealt with to the satisfaction of both sides. Then the real work would begin, because despite his wife and mother's desires, it was impossible to just conjure up a close, happy relationship out of thin air. He and his mother weren't close and honestly barely knew each other beyond discussions about his family or Ewing Oil, and no matter how hard they tried, it would take a long time to get to know each other properly. Then there was the other issue, he wasn't the one that needed to adjust his attitude, his mother had to do that, and that would be difficult to change after so many years, but it had to happen to create anything close to equality in regard to his position as a Ewing son. He wasn't sure any of that would happen though, not with what he was interpreting from his mother's words now. From his perspective it seemed like she was looking for a quick fix, unfortunately though, the situation didn't lend itself to that kind of solution.
Sighing to himself, he knew what he had to do. He hadn't wanted to be the one to start the conversation, but it seemed now that if he wanted any kind of genuine acknowledgement of just how deep his scars ran, he was going to have to be the one to bring attention to exactly what had shaped him into the man he was today. "It is hard mama; you have no idea just how hard. You weren't the small child who was tossed aside the minute something newer and shinier came along, never to be picked up again. You weren't the straight A's student that watched from the side-lines wondering why tossing a ball across a field, or barely scraping by with C's was more praiseworthy than your achievements. You weren't the one who did everything to please everyone yet never seemed to do anything worth acknowledging as anything more than exactly what was expected…" Starting using an even tone, he felt himself growing progressively more frustrated and upset as he spoke, and as he watched his mother, wife, and father's faces change as he continued to speak, he knew he finally had their attention. Refraining from speaking his mind because he didn't want to upset people just wasn't how he communicated best, and from now on, he was going to remember that; he was going to tell his parents exactly how he had felt during his lifetime as a Ewing and he wasn't going to feel guilty about it.
To be continued…