Dallas, Texas

"JR?" turning his head away from his mother, JR faced Doctor Williams, looking at him blankly for a second before remembering exactly what was going on. The good doctor had asked about John Ross, his mother had answered in a way that emphasised how much she loved being a grandmother, and for a moment, he had been surprised and a bit jealous. He didn't want to feel like it was silly, not in Doctor Williams' office, the man had spent months emphasising that his feelings were valid, even if they were unpopular, so he didn't want to label his emotion as silly or insignificant, but not wanting to feel one way didn't stop him from feeling that way. It was a bit irrational, his mother had mentioned how much John Ross mirrored him as a child and how much she adored him, so one would assume she had similar feelings about him, her first baby, and he knew she had, she had explicitly told him that during one of their conversations, but still, he felt something negative. It was all very well hearing about how much his mother adored her grandson and how much she had loved him when he was a baby, and it was nice to hear her mentioning her disapproval of his father's attitude, but he still held a lot of resentment inside him and it wasn't so easy to think rationally. He had to try though, and he had to communicate his feelings, he wasn't completely emotionally stunted and he wasn't inexperienced in the process he and his mother were supposed to be participating in, so with that in mind he considered the doctor's question and the likely motivation behind the question.

"I agree, John Ross is wonderful, he's everything and more than I could have hoped or asked for. It wasn't until I met Sue Ellen that I really understood what love was, but it wasn't until she told me that she was pregnant and then later when I held my son in my arms that I truly understood how much love I was capable of feeling. I always wanted a son, but only after actually meeting John Ross did I realise that I was motivated by all the wrong things. Daddy needed a grandson for the sake of Ewing Oil, mama wanted another grandchild to look after, and Sue Ellen and I had been married for long enough where the questions and uncertainty of the situation was starting to get to me. The minute John Ross was born though, none of that mattered, and every moment since then has been a blessing, not just because it finally gave Sue Ellen and I some breathing room, but because like mama said, John Ross truly is wonderful. Mama's right too, he's an example of reciprocal love, you show him love, he loves you back, it's that simple, he's not disillusioned by the world around him; he loves and he is loved, it's not something he has to worry about or question…" Seeing the look on his mother's face, he knew he had hurt her with his honesty, and in a way that made him feel bad, but he couldn't lie; she felt guilty for loving Gary and Bobby more than him, but her guilt and quick apologies weren't enough to eliminate the effect years of loneliness had had on him. "I'm sorry mama, I know how you feel about this topic; I believe you that you didn't see how things were until recently, and I hear your apologies, but it's going to take some time for me to let it go, it's just who and how I am. What I hope for John Ross is that he never has to have the same thoughts I have, and with the way things are, I don't think he will; you see Sue Ellen, Bobby, and Lucy with him, and I see you with him; he is loved, very much. You're right about daddy though, he doesn't know what he's missing out on, or I suppose maybe he does now, he seemed to take an interest in him while we were in Colorado, not that that made a lasting impression, he's off showing Jack everything that's mine, everything I already had to fight Bobby for, and won might I add. The way he distributes love doesn't really work in scenarios like this and he's going to have to make a choice, I just hope he makes the right one…"

This time listening to JR and watching Miss Ellie's reactions, Doctor Williams' suspicions were confirmed, JR clearly had issues with his father, and his mother and brothers too, but he had already known that from their prior sessions. He'd already known too that JR's hopes for his son were to have a childhood that replicated the wonderful parts of his own, but completely bypassed all the painful, negative parts, all while building character and strength though, because naturally he couldn't have his son turning out like the brother he had mentioned a couple of times, Gary, the coward. He didn't know all that much about Gary, but he got the sense from Miss Ellie's words and JR's previous comments that he was very much the odd one out in the Ewing family; where JR thought he was different and felt different, he still looked down on his younger brother. It wasn't particularly beneficial for JR to look down on anyone, especially if he wanted to feel more loved and accepted, but it was interesting, it was something he'd have to explore another day though. Right now, the thing that most intrigued him was the honest way JR had spoken about his emotions, and more so, how he had related them back to Bobby, his father, and someone named Jack. JR clearly loved his son very much, and from previous meetings he knew he never wanted to exactly replicate the relationship he had with his father with John Ross, because Jock Ewing never seemed to grasp that his eldest son was more than just that, he was more than an heir, and more than a namesake, he was a person. JR was telling his mother he craved love, for himself and for his family; he wanted to love and be loved, just like John Ross was, but at present, he didn't feel like he was. Knowing JR, the amount of vulnerability he was showing was an indication of how strongly he felt, showing that side of himself in front of his mother was promising though; there was hope for the two of them, though JR's statement about it taking time was absolutely true too. Jock Ewing on the other hand was proving to be more challenging than he'd anticipated, not only did he not seem to acknowledge or understand how his actions were affecting his relationship with his son, he didn't sound like he wanted to acknowledge that truth, he was happy to write off JR's feelings and concerns as unimportant. If what JR was saying was true, which it probably was, plus or minus some emotionally biased recounting, then it was no wonder JR had a few issues. With a father who treated everyone else 'better' than he treated one of his sons, and a mother who had unknowingly unequally divided her love and attention, it was also no wonder JR wanted different for his son, and why he was so cautious about letting people in to see other parts of himself.

To be continued…