Dallas, Texas

"…I'm sorry, I didn't realise… Perhaps I misjudged you..." Replaying snippets of her conversation with Pamela as she ascended the staircase and walked down the hall toward her and JR's bedroom, Sue Ellen's earlier strong feelings of loneliness and frustration slowly began to dissipate. "…I can't make any promises, like I said, it's not something I can just turn off…" As she thought about it, Pamela's feelings began to make more sense to her, it was not easy to change your whole perspective on a situation, she knew that to be true in her own life, what mattered though was Pamela's commitment to moving forward despite those feelings, or at least trying to move forward. "…we'll have to take things slowly, figure out what we have in common rather than what makes us so different…" Considering the different ways Pamela had voiced her feelings about what did separate them, Sue Ellen had briefly wondered whether it was worth it to pursue a friendship with someone who seemed so resistant to embracing her as a whole person. She ultimately decided it was worth at least trying, because although opening up and attempting to make a friend wasn't without its risks, the risk of continuing on the sad path she was on seemed to have far more depressing results.

Miss Ellie, JR, Lucy, and even Bobby were worth something to her, but they weren't her friends; she had Paula, but she was legitimately busy with her own commitments as a wife and mother; and she had her charity co-workers and the other mothers at John Ross' playgroup, but friendships didn't seem to be flourishing there. Pamela was the best choice at the moment, unless she wanted to start completely fresh all over again, which she didn't, nor was she sure she would even know where to do so if she did. She had already pushed the social boundaries by branching out from the DOA ladies when it came to charity work, and the playgroup was as far as she had come to reintegrating with regular middle-class life while balancing her commitment and enjoyment of her role as a mother. It scared her to think of adding a new activity to her life in the name of diversifying her social circle and perspective of the world; she didn't need or want more acquaintances or busywork to occupy her time, she simply wanted a friend and to be happy with the life she was living. Being a wife and mother was wonderful, she found charity work fulfilling too, sometimes she just wanted more though, not much more, but a little more.

"...I wish I could go back and commit everything to mind in detail. I really do like you as you, so I want to get to know you; I wish I had had time to do that before everything came to light though. Do you think it's possible we could still do that? Get to know each other outside of our family situations?" Unfortunately, she wanted just a little more, but even that seemed to come with strings attached; she had made the decision a while ago that it was worth it to her to pursue that more though. As she thought about what Pamela was asking her to do, she wondered how difficult it would actually be and whether she was capable of it. She had done a lot of soul-searching over the last year and had a fairly good idea of who she was outside of being JR Ewing's wife and a former Miss Texas, however, she didn't know whether actually selling herself as 'Sue Ellen' rather than 'Sue Ellen Ewing' would be more of a challenge in reality than she anticipated. She was really trying to return to being the positive thinker she had been in college, so every time she caught her thoughts drifting to the idea that building a relationship with Pamela would be hard work, she tried to also remind herself that many things in life were hard work, but they were worth it. Having to build a friendship based on her own personal qualities outside of being a Ewing wife and wealthy, privileged woman might even teach her more about herself than she already knew, she liked that possibility.

"…you asked me about my plans earlier, I'm going out later with some of my other friends, you're welcome to join us if you'd like to…" Walking around her and JR's quiet bedroom as she changed for bed, Sue Ellen repeated more of what Pamela had said to her earlier and it slowly became clear to her that she still had a long way to go before she was completely able to make decisions for herself for her own time without considering everyone else. She had turned down Pamela's offer, not because she was disinterested in their potential friendship, or because she was uncomfortable in her own skin, but because she had told JR she would be waiting for him when he returned home, and she had left a sleeping John Ross in Mrs Smith's care for a couple of hours, not all night. If JR was 'allowed' a night out, so was she, doing it on such short notice didn't sound right to her though, she had already made a commitment, even if JR wasn't due home for another few hours and John Ross was unlikely to wake up until the next morning, it seemed wrong to make and change plans without consultation. Her earlier meeting with Pamela was different, for lack of a better justification, a spur-of-the-moment restaurant meeting was less shady than a spur-of-the-moment night out, rightly or wrongly, it just seemed that way to her, and if she knew JR as well as she believed, it would seem that way to him too. To hinge her decisions on what her husband would think seemed to somewhat go against her intention to do more for herself outside of her marriage, but she did love and respect JR and she didn't want to hurt him or upset him, so she didn't just move forward without considering his feelings. There was nothing stopping her from talking things out with him though, making plans for a later date; communication and respect was something she was fairly sure they had down pat now, and if they didn't, she was sure Doctor Williams would have a few things to say to them at their next appointment.

"…I understand. There will be plenty of other times… we can discuss it at lunch next week…" Pursuing anything resembling friendship with Pamela Barnes was probably going to be far more complicated than any budding friendship needed to be, still though, she couldn't shake the feeling that she would regret it if she didn't at least try, and that if she succeeded, she could end up far more satisfied with her social life than she currently was. All in all, the way she saw things now, it seemed like it was worth at least trying, she just hoped her efforts didn't backfire completely.

To be continued…