Dallas, Texas

"Sue Ellen?" looking up as JR placed his hand on hers, stopping her from circling the rim of her glass with her finger, Sue Ellen snapped out of her thoughts and blushed as she realised both her husband and Doctor Williams were expecting an answer to a question she hadn't actually heard. "Would you care to share where you were just now?" looking back and forth between the two men, she hesitated before responding cautiously and somewhat embarrassedly, "I'm sorry, I was distracted…" Unsure about sharing her thoughts, because she didn't want to sound ungrateful for what she had or show just how vulnerable she was, she knew she still had to say something, otherwise she'd be faced with even more direct questions. On the upside though, sharing her thoughts did tend to have a positive effect once it was done, it was really just gathering the confidence to say exactly what she was thinking that was the hard part.

"Honestly, I was thinking about my lunch with Pamela…" surprised by JR's lack of scoffing sounds or rolling eyes at the mention of Pamela, she continued to speak, though the straight face he kept as she explained her feelings didn't exactly comfort her. "I used to have a lot of friends, not so much anymore though, and every time I try to make new friends, I end up with more acquaintances. I don't want my effort with Pamela to end up being another one of those acquaintanceships and I don't think it will, because I thought we really got along well earlier. What concerns me is what she said to me about everything else I'm doing. I don't think she really understands my circumstances, which is ok, because we've agreed not to touch so heavily on our familial situations, but still, it's hard to respond to her suggestions with valid reasons that don't sound like excuses".

Her lunch with Pamela had been largely successful, however, their conversation toward the end had had been weighing on her mind ever since. It wasn't untrue or incomprehensible that she could swap the activities she was doing now for other activities, giving her the opportunity to try something different without costing her any extra time away from John Ross or her marriage, however, she wasn't really sure where to start. If she asked Miss Ellie, she'd probably just be encouraged to return to heavy involvement in DOA activities. She also didn't see the point in asking JR again seeing as the last time he'd seemed to think it was easy enough for her to just meet other women in her situation, despite the fact that they never socialised with anybody their own age and he didn't really have any suggestions about who else would be interested. She was stuck and she was scared; she wanted to make a change, but she was frozen by the unknown elements of that change. It was silly, because she had made an effort with Pamela and received positive feedback in response, so really, there was nothing to be afraid of with other people, but still, something in the back of her mind made her pause and think.

"Sorry darlin', you're going to have to explain, because I am lost here", holding eye contact with her as he spoke, it was obvious to her that JR was actually a bit confused, likely because the last time they had spoken about Pamela prior to her lunch with her, she had been excited rather than nervous. Looking over at Doctor Williams, he seemed a little confused too, though seeing as he didn't know all the details of her meetings with Pamela, she assumed his thoughts had more to do with the return of her insecurity than with Pamela herself.

"Oh, yes, I'm sorry, I suppose I didn't explain that very well. What I meant was, I had a wonderful time with Pamela, it was lovely talking to someone in such a friendly manner again, I haven't done that in such a long time. There were parts of our discussion that made me a bit sad though, sad and afraid; she told me the same thing you did, that I need to make a change, though she said I need to step away from doing what seems obvious, and you said I need to start working toward the more obvious. Making any change scares me at this point though; I'm afraid to join a new group of people and face the same indifference that I've already come to peace with where I currently am. I like the ladies in the playgroup, we're friendly, they'll come to the house sometimes and I will do the same at their homes, but we're not friends; the same goes for my charity co-workers, we're friendly, but we're not friends. I know we're not friends, I'm not under the illusion that we are, but that doesn't stop me from being scared of the consequences of dropping either group in favour of an unknown. I know I could transition, I only do charity work a couple of days a week and playgroup is only once a week, so I still have plenty of free time to spend with John Ross, it's really the risk of rejection that's stopping me".

Looking at JR as she spoke, she became aware of Doctor Williams again when he turned slightly in his chair. Feeling like she needed to prove to him that she was experiencing a different kind of insecurity to the insecurity they had dealt with in the past, she spoke again, this time directing her words more toward Doctor Williams himself. "I know I sound insecure and there's no real danger in just trying, stepping outside the things I've made myself familiar with, it's just scary and I'd really like to know I have support at home and here if things don't go well". Seeing Doctor Williams nodding as if he understood, she took his small hand twitch toward JR to mean she should really be asking her husband for his support; that was something that scared her in itself though.

"Pamela invited me to join her and her friends sometime, which I might just do, because it's been a long time since I've really socialised with a group of girls my own age. She also suggested I pursue something more diverse or different with my interest in fashion and my enjoyment of feeling wanted and needed; I think I might do that too, on a scaled level. Whatever I do though, I'd really like your support; I know I asked you to stay quiet if you had nothing nice to say, I guess I never said that I'd really like you to have something nice to say though. I can try to find women like myself to socialise with, just like you suggested, but it's hard to do on my own, I'm not from Dallas and in the years I've lived here the extent of my social activity with women most like myself is the DOA. There's nothing wrong with the DOA necessarily, it's a fine group to be a part of, it's just, it's not really a friendship building group; I'm sure you understand that, you do business with Andy Bradley and Seth Stone, but you aren't friends with them, the same goes for me and Linda Bradley or Marilee Stone. If you know anybody you think I might get along well with, then please, do introduce me, I'm admitting it to you know, I'm struggling to do it on my own, and I'm asking you for your help and support. I want to have friends, like I used to; you knew me in college, I had a few close friends and a large group of girls I was friendly with, I want that again, whatever the age-appropriate version of that is, because I know when you're out of college sorority life just isn't realistic anymore".

"What I'm really trying to say is I want friends. I love my life with you and John Ross and I don't want to give any of that up, and I won't, it's just now that I've found fulfilment in our home life, I see the hole in my social life and I want to patch that hole. I am trying with Pamela and I think we can make it work together; like I said though, I want friends, and latching onto Pamela and her friends isn't the only way to diversify my social life. I'm open to suggestions, but I want you to know too that I'm already struggling with the challenges I've given myself and what I'd really love from you is support". Looking back and forth between JR and Doctor Williams, she hoped what she was saying was clear enough to them. She didn't want Doctor Williams to think she'd learned nothing about communication or her own self-worth from their months of previous sessions; more than that though, she wanted JR to understand how much his support meant to her and she wanted him to choose to support her because he wanted her to be happy. With JR she knew it was more complicated than that though, he had an opinion and while he could stay quiet when asked to, he wasn't so quick to see the situation from other perspectives or relax his opinion. Watching him, she waited for a response; it shouldn't have even been a question whether he would support her in her efforts to make friends, for some reason though, it was.

To be continued…