Liv POV
It had been two hours since CJ had fallen asleep and Fitz had been able to pry his arm from her grip. He had allowed her to stay wrapped in my arms for only a few minutes before he gathered CJ in his arms and compelled her to sleep. I say compel because that's what it seemed like he did. The second she was in his arms and he swayed, her body became almost limp, sans the grip she had on his arm. It had taken a good while, but he was able to lie on the bed with her in his arms and I sat on the edge watching closely. He knew exactly how to care for her even in this fragile state. He laid her down on the mattress and minutes later he was able to remove his arm from her grip. He tucked the blanket around her small body before he led me out of the room and down the stairs.
I had already called Huck to come and get me and he had texted me fifteen minutes ago to say that he was outside but to take my time. I felt bad taking advantage of him saying that, but that's exactly what I was doing. I took my time sitting with Fitz, wrapped in his embrace before doing the inevitable. I knew what would happen after tonight. We had spent the first hour talking it over and deciding what would be best for going forward. I didn't voice my opinion at first, but Fitz made me speak up, saying my opinion mattered. He wanted to lie to CJ and let her believe that she dreamt everything that had just happened and pretend that I was never here. I hadn't said it out loud, but Fitz knew I was against that idea. It was the selfishness in me that Fitz had opened up. Being with him made me want more than I knew I deserved but he made me feel like I deserved it all. And that included CJ. I probably didn't deserve her, but I wanted her bad. CJ was an amazing little girl that made me remember the good in the world but there were also selfish reasons behind my immediate love for her. She brought out a part of me that I long to have again. Being around kids on a daily basis was the best part of my job because no matter how sick they were, they brought so much joy into my life. CJ being in my arms just a while ago reminded me of that person I was. That joy I possessed and I wanted that joy back. It was joy that I knew Fitz wouldn't be able to help with. I didn't want to move too fast with being a part of CJ's life because I knew things couldn't last, but it didn't stop me from at least wanting to not be a figment of her imagination.
"I know this isn't what you want, Livvie."
"Fitz, this isn't about me. It's about your life with your daughter. We know that this.. whatever it is between us is just temporary and I'm gonna be an afterthought. You can't base your choices on me. You know what's best for your daughter, so do that. Stop acting like I matter in this situation."
Fitz POV
Those words stung mostly every part of me. How could she say that to me? Had she really believed that these past two months meant nothing to me? That this was all something I just felt like doing until I got bored? She couldn't feel that way because I had done everything in my power to make sure she felt the complete opposite.
"I'm really trying to not get angry at the fact that you are completely pushing me away. This isn't some game to me and we've had this conversation before. You DO matter. You matter a lot to me and I hate to break it to you, but you're a part of this situation Olivia. This is all still new and I understand that, it's why I still need time when it comes to CJ. I know you understand that and tonight didn't go as planned, but this is what I have to do for you AND for my daughter. I need to see if this will work. It's not ideal but it's what I have. In all honestly it would happen even if everything else didn't exist and I had met you in town. I don't see you as some fugitive Olivia. If everything about us meeting was normal, you still wouldn't have met my daughter by now. It's nothing personal on your end. It's about the way I promised myself I would care for her. I am protective of her when it comes to anyone, even the person I'm in love with! I love you Olivia, but I still will always do what's best for her first."
"I get that Fitz, and I know that it should be that way. But can you honestly look her in the eyes tomorrow and lie to her?"
"I've never done it before, but if I think it's what's best for her, then I will. I have to be one-hundred and fifty percent sure that CJ will not get hurt in this. I have to know you won't just leave."
"I get that but we've been talking about this for weeks now. What do you want from me, Fitz? You worked so hard to break that shell I was in, for me to agree to stay here and do this with you, and now you're not sure? I just don't understand how tonight will be any different from weeks from now? I'll still be in the same position and so will you two. If you don't want her near me now, what makes you think you'll want me near her weeks from now? You made me stay here and made me believe that this is something you wanted even if I didn't at the time. You made me feel safe here and now what? Are you going to lie to her and not have me in your life anymore?"
I didn't know how to answer her. She made perfect sense, but it was too soon to process it all. I always had a plan. That's what I had been doing for the past two months: planning and preparing myself for what could happen between us. I knew my silence didn't come off as a good thing and before I could say anything, Olivia stood up and moved to grab her shoes that were on the floor by the front door. She brought them back over to the couch and sat down as she put them on. I knew she wanted an answer, but I still didn't have one. When her shoes were on, she moved to walk to the door, but I knew I couldn't just let her walk away that suddenly. I grabbed her wrist and pulled her back to me.
"One minute."
Those simple, stupid words somehow carried a newfound weight when it came to our…relationship.. and I loved that I could say the words and she knew exactly what I needed. Olivia turned to look at me before slowly sitting next to me on the couch.
"One minute." She agreed quietly before scooting closer to me. She let me wrap my arm around her waist and burrowed into my chest. I was just grateful she wasn't tense and hesitant. "I just need you to tell me what to do, Fitz. I opened myself up to you."
"I know you did."
We sat there for much longer than a minute and before I knew it, she was untangling herself from me and standing up. I followed her to the door and stared at her while helping her in putting her coat on.
"Can I call you in the morning?"
She nodded and I pulled her into a hug before opening the door for her. I saw Huck's car parked outside of my home and she moved down a few steps before she turned around and looked at me.
"I need us to be in this together."
"We are, Livvie. We're in this together."
LIV POV
I didn't sit in the front seat like I normally would have, but climbed into the back. The windows were tinted in the car so I felt safe sitting up front normally, but I wanted to be as alone as I possibly could right now. That had hurt. It hurt in a way I hadn't expected it to and I just wanted to cry. I told Huck that I was okay and I was grateful that he didn't ask me anything further when sobs began to wrack my body. I wanted to get to the house and climb in my bed. As much as I understood where Fitz was coming from, it still hurt me. I had allowed myself to be so open tonight with him and it was as if he still couldn't be completely open with me. His daughter was his world and I understood that, I just needed to know that he wanted me in her life and right now it didn't seem like he did. I had all but proved to him that I wouldn't run and he made it clear that, that was the main reason for him wanting to keep CJ out of what we were doing.
Had I not proven myself enough? Was all of this just a joke? Just something to hold him over until he got what he wanted from me? I didn't want to believe it, but any and every thought was running through my mind and I couldn't figure out a way to shut it off.
When we finally made it to the house, I headed straight to the bathroom and turned on the shower. I needed some way to relax and even if I would spend the entire time crying under the stream of water, it's what I would do. I washed my body and hair several times before I changed the setting on the shower head and standing there.
Was I stupid to believe things would continue to go as great as they had earlier in the night? It was a perfect night and I should have known something would have messed it up. There was no way it could've ended as perfect as it started. I let myself believe that I was normal and that our situation was typical, but it wasn't.
When I felt the hot warm change to more of a warm temperature, I shut the water off and grabbed my robe and towel from the door's hook. I wrapped my body in the fluffy robe and my hair in the small towel. Huck was standing outside the door when I opened it, making me jump the second I noticed him.
"I'm sorry, Liv. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
I nodded once and sent him a small smile, letting him know he didn't need to apologize.
"I'm okay, Huck. Thank you for coming to get me."
"I like him, Liv. For you. You said he isn't sure about you seeing his daughter and her knowing you really exist and I think you should just wait for him to come around. "
I nodded my head and turned towards my bedroom door when I heard my phone go off. The only person that had my number was Fitz, so I knew it had to be from him.
"Just think about what I said, Liv."
He left out of the bathroom and I walked into my bedroom and straight to my phone.
Promise me you won't run unless our lives depend on it and you won't run without saying goodbye.
I typed the words out before I could fully let them register. He had no idea how bad I hoped to never have to run away from him and CJ.
Fitz, I promise.
I sat my phone down when he didn't respond right away and moved to lather my arms in lotion. It was almost a full minute later that my phone sounded and I saw a new video message from Fitz. I sat on the bed and opened it before tears immediately filled my eyes.
FITZ POV
Olivia had been gone nearly twenty-five minutes and I finally gathered the strength to move off of the couch and go upstairs. I missed her already and basically hated myself for how fast I had allowed myself to fall for her. I had just put out the fire that I had started hours before and went into my bedroom to see CJ wound tightly in a ball. I thought she'd heard me come in at her sudden movements, but realized she was obviously dreaming
"Hi…. yes…."
I smiled at the dream she was obviously having and unlocked my phone before opening the camera and pressing the video to record. I moved closer to her and witnessed her giggling, sleeping frame. She would smile then stop before smiling again and I was so curious as to what she was dreaming of.
"Livia.. I can do it!... no tickles, Livia stop!"
She was cackling loudly and I wanted to join the dream with her.
"Daddy, get Livia…. no.. no kisses, Daddy! Kiss Livia!"
I definitely wanted to be a part of her dream at the moment. She went silent after that and I immediately knew that Olivia needed to see this video. This moment held so much confirmation for me and I just needed to know what her response to the video would be. When my phone buzzed next to me, I lifted it up and smiled while reading the simple text from her.
Liv: I love her so much.
Fitz: I'm pretty sure she loves you too.
Liv: I know you need to fix some things with her and spend this time with her to get things back to normal, but when you're ready, I'm all in Fitz.
Fitz: All in?
Liv: Yes. I want to be there with you guys. I don't want to be scared anymore. So I'm all in. If you'll let me be.
Fitz: I want you all in Livvie. I'm gonna let CJ have me for the next few days, but can you come for dinner next week?
Liv: I would love to. Just let me know when.
Fitz: We'll talk everyday
Liv: I want that too… What are you going to tell CJ tomorrow?
Fitz: I was planning to lie to her but now I'll be telling her the truth.
Liv: okay.
Fitz: Goodnight Livvie.
Liv: Goodnight Fitz.
It seemed like minutes had passed when my eye-lids were being pulled open by CJ's small fingers. I felt her small body sitting high on my chest and swatted at her hands before she could grab for my eyes again.
"Off, Ceej."
"But Daddy!"
"But Daddy? Did you just call me butt Daddy?"
"Nooooo"
Her cackling laugh filled my ears and I smiled sleepily before even opening my eyes. I knew what she wanted. It would only take seconds before she was demanding to know where her 'Livia' was.
"Well what are you trying to do to me this early in the morning? You're ripping my eyes open and I don't like it."
"I need to know.."
"Nope, don't wanna hear it."
"Daddy!" she huffed.
"My eyes deserve an apology and a kiss for the pain and rudeness you caused."
"Ughhhh!"
She groaned before I felt her move closer to my face and peck at my closed eye-lids before muttering a "sorry eyes" above me.
I opened my eyes to see her pouting, frustrated face above me and snickered before leaning up to kiss her cheek.
"What's so important that you had to pull my eye-lids open to tell me?"
"Where is Livia?"
"What do you mean?"
"She was here last night and now she's gone! I saw her, daddy and I hugged her and she hugged me back. Where is she now?"
"Bug, I need you to calm down, okay?"
She was visibly getting worked up and I noticed the immediate reddening of her face.
"Bug, look at me."
She still averted her eyes and I had to bring both hands to her cheeks and force her to look in my direction. It still took a few moments before her steel eyes met mine and I hated seeing her so upset.
"Did you make her leave again?"
"Did I make her leave again?"
My repeating the question made her cut her eyes to me before she rolled them and I felt so many emotions in that moment. My daughter had instantly formed an attachment to Olivia, and I was not aware of its strength.
"Olivia went to her home, but she will come to see us in a few days."
Her eyes softened but she looked at me skeptically and I wondered if she believed me. I had never lied to her and I hated knowing that just last night, I was more than willing to.
"A few days?"
"Yes, just a few days."
"I really wish I could see Livia today. I don't really wanna wait a few days"
"I know but we are gonna have some daddy-daughter days, then Olivia will come over. Capisce?"
"Capisce."
I scooped her up and moved off the bed. I gave her directions to go use her own restroom while I used mine. By the time I was done brushing my teeth, I stepped into the hallway and could hear the tv downstairs. She definitely didn't brush her teeth.
"Is it on?"
"Yep! You're getting angry cuz I'm the smartest and made you blow up!"
"You mean you were being sneaky again."
I plopped down on the couch next to her and she climbed on my lap and leaned back into my chest. Tom and Jerry had always been our weekend go-to cartoon and she made it clear from day one that I was Tom and she was Jerry. It was something she did with most shows or movies we watched. If it was Spiderman, I was the obvious Peter Parker, and she was Mary-Jane. When we watched Spy Kids, she was Carmen and I was the dad. Sometimes I was Juni as well. I could only assume all kids did this.
"What are we having for breakfast, today?"
"It's Saturday, right?"
"Yep, it is."
"Good, you're not gonna rush me. Let's make pancakes."
"Ugh, that's too much work, Bug. Don't you want something easy like a toaster strudel or a pop tart?"
From the corner of my eye, I could see her face light up. I rarely bought the junk, and when I did, I usually ate it without sharing with her.
"Can I have a purple one with sprinkles?"
"Yes you may. But you have to drink a Pediasure with it."
"Deal!"
She hopped down and ran into the kitchen chanting "yes" the entire time. I could hear her moving her step stool to the other side of the kitchen before she used it to climb atop the counter. Cabinets were opened and closed loudly. The fridge was opened and closed. Finally I could hear the pitter pattering of her running back towards the living room. I could just picture her moving fast on the tips of her toes
"Got em!"
I groaned as she jumped into my lap, and held back on scolding her. She knew better than to do that. She'd left me in tears plenty of times after diving knee first into my lap.
"You almost really hurt me, Ceej. You're lucky."
She ignored me and began ripping open the silver wrapper before handing one to me. Once I took it from her, she bumped her pastry into mine before squealing "cheers!" And shoving it into her mouth.
"How did I end up with a savage for a little girl?"
"What's a savage?"
"You are."
"But what does it mean?"
"A savage is a CJ. That's what it means."
She was quiet for a few moments and continued eating the pastry before she ran in the kitchen and came back with a Pediasure in hand. She silently handed it to me and once I opened it, she downed it.
I watched her finish most of the second pop-tart and hand me the rest to finish, then I turned the TV off and stood up with her in my arms.
"Let's get ready to get out of here, Ceej. I'm gonna give you a shower, then put your clothes out for you." I began making my way upstairs while I spoke to her, wondering if she was listening or ignoring me. "I'm going to need you to actually put your clothes on and wait in your room while I shower and get dressed. Did you hear that? You need to dress yourself and be ready by the time I get done."
"You're talking to me like I'm a little kid again, Daddy."
Her face was scrunched up and I could tell she was offended.
"I don't care. When it comes to you putting your clothes on and not taking forever and lounging on your bed in undies, then I have to talk to you like a little kid. I need you to listen today and get yourself ready, lazy pants. Capsice?"
"Capisce."
"And besides, you are a little kid. You're my little kid."
"I'm not a little kid, Daddy. Little kid is just another word for baby."
I sat her down on her feet before sitting on the edge of her tub and starting the shower.
"Well Miss Know It All, even if that were true, I hate to break it to ya, but you're my baby anyway. And you always will be, so get over it."
I saw her discreetly roll her eyes at me as she stepped out of her pj's and moved to use the bathroom.
"I don't wanna keep talking about this."
That was always her way of ending a conversation and I had to admit I was proud. She was just like any other kid except she was kind of a witty child. Most saw it as her being a smart ass but I saw it as witty. She knew when she'd pushed her boundaries with me, but this wasn't one of those times. She simply ended the conversation and I was fine with that.
"Alright, we don't have to wash your hair right now, but we will do it tomorrow, okay?"
"That works."
She showered without much fuss at all and when I was done with my own shower, I was shocked to see her fully dressed in her room. I was still putting on my socks and sat on the edge of her bed while she played a game on the iPad.
"Which shoes are you gonna wear?"
"The checks" she responded and I knew she was referring to her Nikes. I swiped the iPad from her hands and told her to grab her shoes so we could leave.
As we drove down the highway, I groaned as CJ sang every song that came on the radio. I had no clue how she knew all of them because we usually talked during our drives and I knew that my mother only listened to Gospel and Christian music.
"Ceej, how do you even know this song?" I asked hearing her spout out perfect lyrics of a song about a crying a thousand times. I knew it was the new Adele song, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out why my daughter was singing her lungs out in the most dramatic way as though she was suffering some type of heartbreak.
"Daddy, everyone knows this song. My teacher even loves it and let us listen to it one time. She said she got concert tickets to go see her show! Can we get tickets to go see her too?"
"I'm not really a fan, and besides concerts can be dangerous for kids."
"A lot of kids get to go to concerts, though. Most of my friends get to with their mom and dad."
"Well I'm sorry you're not as lucky as them." I peered at her through the rear view mirror as I took my exit and circled the shopping center.
"I'm never lucky like my friends."
"In what ways are you not lucky like your friends?"
I pulled into a parking spot and could tell she was in a funk. She hadn't noticed where we were and that let me know that she needed some convincing to lift her spirits. CJ didn't usually get this way, so cynical, but when she did I always nipped it in the bud as soon as possible.
"Hey, get up here."
She was slow to unfasten her seatbelt and when she slid from her booster seat, I grabbed a hold of her and hoisted her into my lap sideways.
"Tell me what's on your mind, Ceej."
She leaned her head against my chest and played with my fingers before speaking in a quiet voice. It was always something she said when she was feeling jealous, upset, or needing the type of attention I somehow wasn't giving her.
"I'm the only one that doesn't have a Mommy."
It was true. She was the only one in her class, even in her circle of friends that didn't have a mother present in their life. Everyone else had a mom, and everyone else had a dad too. She always seemed the one to be lacking. At Thanksgiving feasts and Holiday parties that her school would put on, she was the only one that didn't have a mother doting on her. Even the two times that my mother accompanied me, I could tell that it wasn't enough to CJ. It didn't usually bother her, but when it was front and center, directly in her face, it bothered my little girl immensely and I hated it. There was really nothing that I could do but tell her about Mellie and how much she would've loved her and wanted to be there with her.
Even if that was a lie.
If Mellie wouldn't have died giving birth, I'm not sure what type of life CJ would've had. There were a few scenarios I knew were possible. We would've continued to fight constantly with one another, making it a horrible situation for CJ. We would've fought just long enough for me to walk away from them both and leaving her with custody. Or Mellie would've done everything to piss me off and I would've taken CJ away from her and raised her. I was glad that none of those had become an option. The only thing that made things easier was knowing that Mellie didn't leave CJ by choice and that's what I would continue to tell my little girl until she got tired of hearing it. Maybe Mellie just stopped fighting and gave up in that hospital room, I don't know. I just know that she wasn't able to be with CJ and every few months, something happens to where I have to make that okay in my daughter's eyes.
"Bug, if your Mom could, she would be with you every day. She loved you so much and I know she's watching you constantly."
She didn't speak right away.
"Grandma said God loves me and that's important to remember and he can be whoever I need him to be. But God can't be a Mom."
"I really don't know Bug, but God can love you like a mom could and he does."
"But one day will I get a new Mom? Have you changed your mind?"
"Why do you ask me that?"
"Because you always say girls are bad news. All girls except me and Grandma and sometimes Abby, but then you let Olivia come to our house. She's not bad news. I like her a lot."
This was a red flag in my book. I didn't need her connecting any dots this soon. She hadn't even seen Olivia again and I could tell where her mind was going with it.
"Bug, I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"Okay, Daddy."
I wasn't sure where her compliant side came from, but I wasn't complaining.
"Did you see where we are?"
She turned her head and looked up at me with a huge smile on her face.
"Did you bring my card?"
I nodded and she was quickly pulling at the lock button to unlock the door and let herself out. I laughed loudly and assisted her in getting out of the car and grabbed a hold of her hand before walking into the Dave & Buster's.
I'm so glad that conversation is long forgotten. I knew it wouldn't always be this easy.
"Alright, are you ready for another round?"
"Yep!"
"Alright, put it in when you're ready."
I handed her the card and she swiped it twice before stuffing it in her vest pocket.
"Oh, we're going twice?" I asked at her bold move.
"Double or nothing, daddy!"
She brought her arms to the top the of the game before hoisting herself up and standing so that she was eye level with the basket.
"You got it or you want me to stand behind you?"
"If you stand here, you're gonna blame it on me when I beat you."
Her hands were on her small hips and she stepped down into the area where the balls would be rolling down and moved as though she was cracking her little knuckles and stretching her neck.
"Oh, okay trash talker. We will see who's gonna be talking trash when that buzzer sounds."
I pressed start at the same time CJ did and the balls quickly bounced towards us and we began throwing them to make baskets. There were a few people around watching our competitive daddy/daughter duo and mostly everyone was cheering for CJ. The clock was running low and CJ continued to grab at the basketballs and throw them towards the hoop with vigor, but I continued with the flow I had going. I was going to win for sure.
5….4….3….2…1…BUZZZZ
CJ looked at her score of sixteen then at my score of twenty-seven and stomped her foot in frustration. The scowl was prominent on her face, but I barely paid attention. I threw my hands up in victory and started going around giving high-fives to the crowd of on-lookers.
"Look at all these tickets I get for winning! Man, I'm gonna be able to get the best prize they have with all this."
I glanced to my left and saw CJ hop down from the game before marching off in the other direction. I chuckled lightly before ripping the tickets out and jogging behind her. She hadn't looked back at me but I knew she could tell I was following her because her pace had picked up and she was trying to lose me in the busy game area.
"Hey now, you don't get to pout because I kicked your butt!"
I was gloating but it was something we always did.
"You're big, so of course you're gonna win!"
"Did I win last time?" I asked knowing that the answer was yes. When she ignored me, I continued. "What about the time before that?
"No, but still!"
Before she could take another step, I grabbed her from behind and swung her over my shoulder up-side-down and held her there with my right arm.
"You know the rules. Sometimes you win, and sometimes I win. And what does the winner get to do?"
She pouted, looking at me from her hanging position and those little eyes did their usual rolling before she spoke.
"Winner gets to be excited all they want."
"Exactly, so let me be excited right now. Either way you already know what's gonna happen so you don't have to be a chump about it."
I popped her on her bottom before I flipped her right side up and held her high on my hip. A small smile began spreading across her lips.
"What's gonna happen?" I asked.
"I get all the tickets!"
"You get ALL the tickets."
My little sore loser always won in the end.
After we ate pizza together, we went to cash in all of our tickets and headed into the prize room.
"Alright, with the balance you have from this card, you have a total of nine-hundred and fifty-two tickets. So you can pick any of these down here, and you can go up to the nine-hundred ticket mark."
The sale associate spoke to the both of us, but CJ had already begun her search for the perfect prize. This was her favorite part of coming here and she was in her element. Anyone could speak to her and it would go in one ear and out the other. I nodded to the twenty-something year old and stood back as CJ did her normal sweep of each clear case as she talked to herself in a mumbled voice about if she should get multiple small prizes or one big prize. I began counting the different prizes I could see that were already strewn throughout my living room, when I my thoughts were interrupted by loud laughter from behind me. I double checked to see where CJ was before turning my attention to the noise.
I guess you could say I froze. It never really bothered me to see a mother-daughter pair together but for some reason this time was different. I was jealous for myself and for CJ. There was a bond that the little girl clearly had with her mother and I wanted that for my little girl. My little girl deserved to have that and I was the only person that could allow that to happen for her.
"Can we get the purple polish with sparkles in it and I paint yours that color?"
"We can do that. Let's get it and find Daddy so we can go home."
My daughter deserved to have a mother that would paint her nails and allow her to do the same. I wanted someone to paint my daughter's nails and cook with her. And bake with her. I wanted someone to bake peach pie with her.
I forced myself to look away from the pair and glanced at CJ one last time before I pulled my phone out of my back pocket. I unlocked the phone using my thumb and opened my text messages before typing out a quick message to Olivia.
"Can we spend the day with you tomorrow?"