"I, King Uther, sovereign ruler of Camelot, do give and grant unto my beloved ward the Lady Morgana, daughter of Gorlois, Duke of Cornwall, the style and titular dignity of the Princess of Camelot, upon her adoption as my legal daughter. I am pleased to declare my will and pleasure that the Lady Morgana shall henceforth be known as Her Royal Highness, The Princess Morgana. By royal decree, The Princess Morgana shall be an heir to the throne of Camelot, next in line after Prince Arthur."
Uther placed the gold tiara on top of Morgana's head of raven waves as she kneeled before him. She looked over at her brother, who gave her a small smile.
The ceremony was short but to the point. Uther refused to publicly admit his infidelity, but he had agreed to a compromise by making Morgana a rightful heir and Princess of Camelot, by adopting her as his daughter. Arthur threatened to expose his secret otherwise, and she would be made Princess upon his death anyway by Arthur, where he would give testimony of Uther's infidelity. Better to preserve his legacy.
He still wouldn't budge about magic though, his heart was too cold, his guilt and grief still too raw some twenty years later. So, Morgana and Arthur would have to work together to protect any innocent magic users and Druids, as they had protected Mordred, and hope they didn't have to cross any lines that would bring them into further conflict with Uther. Fortunately, things had been quiet as of late. She desperately hoped that would continue to be the case.
Uther embraced her as she rose, Princess Morgana of Camelot. She did her best to feel warmth in her heart for him, but she still felt mostly coldness. She curtsied to him and to Arthur before taking her seat to begin Court business.
When she returned to her chambers at the end of the long day, she flung the tiara across the room onto her bed and sank exhausted into her chair. It was hard to look at Uther and see a father and not a monster, to remain the loving daughter of Camelot and now of Uther, as the coldness swirled inside of her. But she knew she had to continue to try. Perhaps he would come around. But in the meantime, she knew Arthur would want to forgive and forget far sooner than she would, so she had to tread carefully. She didn't want her brother ending up raiding any more Druid villages and getting further into trouble with the Triple Goddess. She'd seen how that all turned out.
In the meantime, she had to continue to keep her secret from them both, and the rest of the world. It was exhausting, pretending to be something she was not. The only time she could be herself was with Merlin. Gaius still was highly uncomfortable with her use of magic, knowing he was betraying his king by instructing her, but with Merlin, she could be free of any scrutiny. The problem was her growing affections for him.
To distract from those feelings, she satisfies herself with the occasional lover among the guards, but she can't deny she has occasionally imagined it's Merlin in her bed. But even with those complex feelings, it's a needed distraction when her dreams become too overwhelming as they have of late of a tumultuous uncertain future. The hatred threatens to overwhelm her when she thinks of all she'll never have because of Uther, at the same time she longs for the affections of the only other sorcerer she knows. The possibilities are all troubling.
She opened her door and whispered in the ear of the guard outside of it. She'd let him into her bed in an attempt to warm her heart, another beautiful man but only a momentary distraction.
The weeks that followed continued to be uneventful. Her duties at Court had increased with her new title, but she was still afforded the time for her studies. The King had placed Morgana to oversee matters of health in the kingdom. She would track illness in the city, and look for ways to keep the people healthy, which kept her busy in Gaius's laboratory.
Morgana looked up from the spell book and frowned, "You're shaking that too hard, Merlin, it's going to…"
The sticky pink substance blew the lid from the tumbler and covered his shirt. Morgana broke out into laughter.
"Dammit," he grumbled, trying to clean himself off, and shooting her a dirty look.
Morgana stifled her laughter and averted her eyes back to her book.
"Good thing Gaius isn't here, he'd never let me hear the end of it," he sighed, then looked at Morgana sharply, "And don't you dare tell him!"
She feigned innocence. "I wouldn't dream of it," then couldn't hold a straight face any longer.
"Dunno what takes pink goo out of a shirt," he mumbled, as he stripped it off.
Morgana's laughter tapered off again as she watched him use the shirt to clean the goo from the floor. He wasn't particularly muscular, and far too pale, but Morgana found herself appreciating the view. She wondered what he'd do if she were to run her hands across his smooth chest, kissing a trail down his abdomen like a common tavern whore. Probably knock her back with a shot of magic and run away, she grinned to herself.
"Something else funny, Milady?" He looked up at her testily.
"You missed a spot," she pointed, as he bent over again.
She stifled a laugh as he stood up and now had the substance on his bare chest./p
"Oh, Merlin," she smiled. "Let me help you."
She picked up a rag and ran it across the spot on his chest. She looked up at him when she heard his breath hitch at the contact.
"Milady, I…"
"I apologize, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I was only trying to help," she said, handing him the rag.
"It's not… discomfort…exactly…" he frowned, as he went to retrieve a new shirt.
She sighed. Of course. It was bad enough she was putting him in danger as she had coerced him into teaching her magic, but now she was treading across lines of propriety that could also endanger him if discovered.
"Merlin," she began, as he returned, fully dressed. "I apologize for being so familiar. Being here with you, learning magic under your tutelage, I forget who we are forced to be to the rest of the world."
He looked at her with a pained expression. "And if we didn't have those roles to play for the rest of the world, who are we then?"
"Sorcerers. Friends. Equals," she said, posing to him the possibilities. She looked up at him longingly. "What more could we be if we didn't have to hide our true selves?"
"What would you want to be?" he asked. A dangerous question.
"Merlin, I want…" she said breathily.
They stepped away as they heard Gaius approaching the door.
It was for the best their conversation was interrupted, Morgana thought, as she quickly bid Merlin and Gaius good night.
What would she have told him in response to his question of what more she wants to be? His lover? What good comes with sharing the desires of her heart with Merlin? Either rejection from him, or possibly worse, reciprocation. They could never be together, or else she risks his life.
But isn't she already risking his life just by being here? It's been over a year, and her magic is well under control now. She still has prophetic dreams, but while they still cause her worry, they no longer terrify her, just interrupt her sleep. She hasn't set anything on fire by accident or blew anything up she didn't intend to do. Maybe it's time they end their studies. Before she does something to hurt him.
The idea of not spending so much time with him hurts though. She can't bring herself to make such a choice. Besides, she thought, someday her brother will need her to be a powerful sorceress and she still has much to learn.
She wondered if there's a spell to make you forget the things you want but you can't have. She extinguished her candle and slid between the satin sheets of her bed. She fell asleep easily.
"They seem happy together," Merlin smiled, looking ahead at the couple walking along the banks of the pond.
"They do. It's the happiest I've seen Arthur in years," Morgana said, dismounting her horse and tying her down at the tree. "It's good to see him happy again."
What about you, Morgana? Are you happy?" he asked softly.
She smiled sadly. "It's been harder than I expected."
"I am so sorry," he said sincerely.
"It's okay. It's much harder for Arthur. Nothing changes for me," she said.
"But it will. Arthur will be a great king. And we'll bring magic back."
"When can we tell him?" she asked, watching as the couple leaves their line of sight.
Merlin looked carefully to see if he can spot Arthur and Gwen through the trees. When he can't, he pulls Morgana close to him and kisses her deeply.
"Once he's finally decided to marry Gwen, he surely wouldn't have me beheaded for loving his sister," Merlin said, his hands in her raven locks.
"Perhaps you overestimate Arthur's good judgment," Morgana teased, pulling up his shirt to touch his bare skin. "I'd hate for you to lose your head, I'm so very fond of it."
Merlin kissed her again, pressing her against the tree, his growing erection rubbing against her thigh.
"Merlin," she moaned. "It's been far too long. I need you. Please."
"We can't, they'll be back any minute. Come to me tonight, my love. Gaius will be out, we'll have time," he said, kissing her again.
"I love you," she said in between kisses.
"And I love you. We'll tell him soon, I promise. And we'll wed immediately after they do."
"I want that more than anything," Morgana said, kissing him again.
Morgana woke up that morning with a little more clarity about where things were headed, as well as an aching need between her legs. No need to avoid this future, she thinks. She tries to remember the taste of him, the feel of him under her hands, but the sensations had too quickly slipped away and she was left unhappy with longing.