Dallas, Texas

"Something you don't know about me? That's a hard question to answer considering the research and effort you put into knowing everything about a person before letting them anywhere near you emotionally". Making an honest comment, Sue Ellen didn't realise how biting it probably sounded until she noticed JR's facial expression, he looked dejected and that made her feel incredibly guilty, because that wasn't her intention at all. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that how it sounded. What I meant is you were present for a bigger part of my past than I was for yours, and what you weren't present for I feel like we touched on in our many deep, personal conversations. That's not to say I don't think you were equally open with me about your past, we didn't just speak about my childhood and my relationship with my mother, I know a lot about you, and I'm glad, because I think you need someone who understands you just as much as I need someone who understands me. I don't think it's unfair to say that you're generally more closed than I am though; you trust few people when it comes to getting close with you, but you expect to know everything about everyone else. From what I know of how you operate, there's probably little I could tell you that would actually surprise you; I'm not so naïve to really believe that you don't have a file on me somewhere. I don't mind now, I understand you, I understand your need to know and dislike of surprises, but it does make the question that little bit harder to answer, you have to agree with me on that". Explaining herself, or at least trying to, she hoped that she wasn't just making things worse by focusing on her initial comment about how emotionally closed off he could be.

"Try me", raising an eyebrow in apparent amusement as she spoke, JR surprised her with his response which both relaxed and flustered her; she knew her husband, but sometimes he was hard to read, and with his swing from dejected to amused, she couldn't tell what he was thinking, she only knew he wasn't arguing with her, which was something. Sitting silently, she watched JR and let her mind wander, thinking about everything they had previously discussed and assessing what information would be new to him. On her mind too were thoughts of how she could steer their conversation back to where it had been prior to her ruining the mood; she liked it when they were fun and flirty rather than sad and serious, especially when they were on a date.

"Ok, well you know that my mother never should have married my father, because she had so many ambitions and she knew exactly what she wanted, and when she didn't end up that way, she was miserable and it carried over into the way she acted as a wife and mother. Her ambition to be the wife of a wealthy man, or simply to be wealthy herself, and her disappointment at that not happening cast a shadow over my life up until we let her go from our lives. As for my father, he was there, but not really. The most vivid thing I remember about my daddy was the smell of liquor on his breath and honestly, I think that says it all. He left us right after Kristin was born; he probably couldn't handle my mother or the pressure of being a father again, but he also couldn't handle life, at least not to the extent my mother expected from him and I wanted from him. I guess it was a year later mama got a letter saying he was dead…"

"You know all of that, we've discussed it more than a few times and I think I've finally come to terms with what it is and how it affected me. Something you don't know though is as wrong and destructive as my parents' marriage was, it wasn't all bad all the time. I have memories, only a few, but still, memories of happier times, before Kristin was born. I remember once, I was young, maybe four or five years old, the circus came to town, there were posters on the noticeboard outside the grocery store, I couldn't read them but I was drawn to the illustrations. I asked my mother to explain and she did, which was probably a mistake, because she made it sound so exciting that I wouldn't stop asking to go for days. I don't think my parents ever had any intention to go before I started asking, we didn't make a habit of it even afterwards, but this one time was different. I remember one day my daddy came home from work and it was just like any other day, except it wasn't, I'm sure my mother already knew, but it was a complete surprise to me. I remember the taste of the corndog and cotton candy, and I remember the costumes the performers wore and the acts they did, most of all though I remember how much fun we all had together. My childhood wasn't the picture of domestic bliss, but it wasn't all miserable either; I think sometimes that perspective gets lost".

Finishing her story, Sue Ellen felt strangely relieved telling it to someone; so often her shared experience of childhood was a negative one, but this time it was positive and it actually felt nice to have a good story to tell, not necessarily because she wanted to humanise her parents, but because sharing something good made it feel more real. Studying JR as he listened to her, she wondered what he made of her story, because the amused expression he'd had when she had started her story had now disappeared and had been replaced by something else, something more serious that she wasn't completely sure of; his eyes told her he was sad, but she didn't understand why that was.

"Sue Ellen, you're right that I know a lot about you and I make that a priority before getting close to anyone, you're wrong in saying there's nothing you could tell me that would surprise me though. I'm only human and there are some things I'd never be able to find out no matter how hard I tried, unless they were specifically told to me. Your story was new to me and I appreciate that, because you're right, you need someone who understands you just as much as I need someone who understands me. We made a commitment a long time ago to not repeat our parents' mistakes and never let John Ross feel the way we did as children and I still feel that way. I do think you make a good point about some memories getting lost though, mostly positive memories; I'd like John Ross to have positive memories like you do, and like I do, that's all I want him to have though".

Responding to her story, JR took her memories a step further, applying them to the promise they had made very early on in their relationship, a promise to act like real, loving parents and give John Ross the life they both should have had; she loved that he did that, it reconfirmed that they were on the same page. "I want that too. I'm sure we'll do something that he doesn't like us for, but I never want him to have truly heart-breaking or angering memories when he thinks about his childhood", replying to his comment, she felt a bit sad, a lot was in her control, but a lot wasn't and that scared her. They could only do their best and she did think they were doing that though, so that was at least something.

"Oh, I'm sure there will be a lot he doesn't like us for if he's anything like me and we're any kind of responsible parents…" laughing as he spoke, responding to her comment, JR's words and tone turned the mood of the conversation around completely, especially when she considered that what he said was probably absolutely true. Laughing nervously as it dawned on her that she had purposely had a baby with a man who was known with men for his sly, ruthless qualities, and with women for his charming but womanising qualities, it didn't take long before she was laughing with genuine amusement at what their future held for them. For all she knew, in a few years they would be eating their words about not turning into their parents; she was adamant they'd never make the same detrimental mistakes their parents had made in parenting outside of discipline, but actually raising a polite, productive member of society might be harder than she anticipated.

"Let's hope he takes after me in some respects then, you know I was a good girl", grinning as she replied to him, she knew he understood she was joking and not criticising him when he grinned back and responded, "that you were, frustratingly good", as his hand slowly made its way under the table to caress her thigh. During their time dating she had permitted him to touch her intimately, but never too intimately, much to his frustration, and after their wedding she had completely understood the reason for that frustration. Despite sex being the most explicitly intimate thing they shared, the thrill of touching still held an important place in their relationship and his hand on her thigh only reiterated that; she loved when he touched her, she always had, and clearly he liked it too, he did it more than often enough.

"It was frustrating for me too and I didn't even know what I was missing out on…" Easily moving on from the fact that they had previously been talking about completely unsexy things, it appeared from the way they were looking at each other and the way his thumb was gently moving back and forth, they were back to where they had been before, exactly where they both wanted to be when they were on a date. "Well, we're married now, so you don't have to miss out…" making eye contact with her as he spoke, she felt almost hypnotised; they were speaking so vaguely to each other, but they each knew exactly what they were talking about. "Mm, that's true", remembering all of the times they had stopped things from going any further and all of the times since marriage that they had gone further, she smiled knowingly, "if I had known then what I know now, I don't know whether I would have been able to wait". Admitting something that had occurred to her a few times, she blushed; it was true, she very much enjoyed sex like she had been told by everyone but her mother she would, to admit it aloud often brought her back to a certain frame of mind though.

"You know, there's one way to find out", responding to her comment with a smirk, JR held her eye contact, noting her confusion before continuing, explaining what he meant. "What would you say if perhaps tonight we weren't married? If we were still us, but our past selves? All of this college talk has made me nostalgic". Betting that she felt the same way as he did, especially since she had so often in the recent past expressed how happy she had been when she was a college girl, he made his proposal, which was apparently something that sounded good to her, because it took her no more than a few seconds to agree. "I would say it sounds interesting, and I'm interested. I have one condition though, we don't just relive my college years", grinning at him, it was clear to him that she wanted the full experience with him, she wanted not only the experienced, older suitor, but the younger man he had been before he'd grown older, a younger man she had never known. "Deal, it's a fantasy, a different reality, anything goes", agreeing to her request, he matched her grin with one of his own before taking a drink; a night out with his wife was always nice and rarely boring, but he couldn't deny that things had just become a lot more interesting.

To be continued…