FITZ POV

She was different. I was unable to put my finger on it exactly, but she was different. I stood in the doorframe of CJ's room watching Olivia braid my daughter's freshly washed hair. She was sitting on the bed and CJ was perched on a small step stool in between her legs rambling on about what she was most excited about for VBS. Freckles was in her lap and she was smothering the poor kitten with hugs and kisses, promising that she would be back soon. She'd been moping around the house about it for the past week when I'd brought it up, but Olivia encouraged her to think of all the fun things she was going to be doing.

"Do you guys ever sleep at the church?"

"No, everybody goes home each day and come back the next morning."

"Ok…. Did you remember to pack the extra socks and underwear I sat out for you?"

"Yep, and I got my toilet bag ready to put my brush and hair ties in."

Olivia chuckled before telling her it was a toiletry bag she was referring to.

"Daddy's staring at us again Livia."

Both pairs of eyes connected to mine and I cleared my throat before shuffling my weight and continuing to stare.

"He's staring at you because he's gonna miss you so much."

"He's the one sending me away"

"Ceej you always go and love it, but I will miss you. Besides you've been abandoning your poor grandma this summer and she's used to seeing you a lot more than she has been."

She shrugged but I knew she as excited to go and would be okay as long as she was able to facetime with us daily. I moved away from the door and went into my own room and give them their privacy and take advantage of my own. I laid back on my bed and was enveloped by her smell that was so intoxicating to me, then I sighed. She was off and I didn't know why. She seemed afraid or nervous in a way I hadn't seen before. She wasn't looking over her shoulder like when she first arrived. She wasn't afraid of hurting me or CJ, or letting us down. It was something completely different and it left me feeling lost. She didn't even seem as concerned as I was with the news we received just two days ago.

I know where he is and I'm going after him tonight.

Huck was straight forward and gone before we could ask too many questions but it wasn't that. Even so, she'd been acting this way for almost two weeks. Spaced out and unsure at times. In her head and sometimes unwilling to get out of it.

My mom was downstairs finishing up a batch of ginger tea she swore would help the morning sickness that still showed its ugly head on occasion. Olivia had lucked out and not suffered from it too much from what she said but a part of me believed she spent her mornings suffering in her cold jail cell. I at least imagined it was cold. It couldn't really be cozy like home was. She'd opened up a bit to me about what it was actually like being there and I still wasn't sure which parts she sugarcoated.

"You guys ready up there?" I sat up hearing my mom's voice from downstairs and heard CJ respond that they were in fact ready.

"Let me carry the bag down please" I spoke loudly more to Olivia than CJ because she'd insist on carrying it herself whereas CJ was a sack of lazy bones and wouldn't dare carry it. I watched her sit Freckles on her shoulder and start down the stairs with Olivia following close behind.

We didn't draw out the goodbyes and once CJ said goodbye to Olivia and Freckles for the twentieth time, I encouraged Olivia to go relax while I walked them out and loaded up the car.

"Alright Bug, I'll talk to you every day okay? Be good and have a lot of fun okay?"

"You'll feed Freckles and clean his box out?"

"I will."

"You have to daddy because Livia can't or it'll hurt the baby. She doesn't like poopy litter so you have to change it a lot of times."

"I know Ceej I promise. I love you Bug."

"Love you too Daddy."

After many kisses and a hug from my mother they were gone and I went back into the house to find Olivia already dozing off on the couch. I'd planned to dig deep into what was going on and all but demand answers because I was so lost, but I wouldn't dare disturb her sleep. She still needed her rest. I positioned my arms under her legs and around her back before lifting her up and starting towards the steps.

"Hi"

"Hi Livvie"

I smiled at the way she buried her face closer to mine and leaned in to kiss her before moving up the stairs. Our bed was a mess and hardly ever made so there was no need to pull back any covers, and I was able to lay her on her respective side of the bed before climbing in next to her. I moved as close as I could to her, actually needing to feel physically close to her because everything else was such a blur. All I knew was that I loved her and prayed that whatever was going on, she would let me in to help her. My hand reached for her stomach and followed the waves of movement that was proof of our child's existence. It was proof that whatever was going on and whatever happened would be okay because we had so many things to be thankful for. Just as I stopped mimicking my son's movements, my phone rang softly on the nightstand and I reached out to grab it. I immediately noticed it was one of the pattern of numbers that came from Huck's burner phone.

"Hello?"

"It's me, where's Liv?"

"I figured it was you. She's sleep, what's up?"

"It's done. He's dead."

"What do you mean?"

"Russell is dead. It's all over and she's safe now. From anyone. Your family's safe."

LIV POV

This full bladder thing was real. I was nearing six months and just a few weeks shy of the third trimester. It wasn't uncommon for me to roll out of bed in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning to use the bathroom and Fitz had grown accustom to sleeping through it. This time was different. Another one of those dreams had awakened me but this time I had no problem remembering what happened. Baby was moving around slowly as I emptied my bladder and I hummed softly hoping to calm him down and get a few more hours of sleep. I was alone in the dream, just waiting for something or someone. I was somewhere I didn't recognize and in the next second I was clutching my baby boy to my chest and running. Every few feet I would turn and look back knowing something or someone was gaining on me only to find nothing. But I couldn't stop running. I had to protect him. I had to save us. We had to survive. I tried to shake the dream from my head as I finished up and took a deep breath.

My thoughts had been this way since we left the appointment. Dr. Kelly's words kept playing over and over again in my head without fail.

When was the last time you were stressed out?"

I didn't have an answer but knew that was the answer to my high blood pressure. A full years worth of semi-stressful situations that only grew into life or death situations. For the past year, my life didn't exist without stress. Even before that, I lived in turmoil taking care of my dying father who I just wished could reverse the time spent at the office and trade it in for time spent with me. There was so much that was buried so deep inside of me, and it made me question everything.

I stood up to wash my hands before splashing water on my face a few times. I blindly reached for the washcloth hanging and blotted at my wet skin and froze the second my eyes opened and caught my reflection.

Who was that?

I brought a hand to my cheek not recognizing myself, staring at my reflection and wondering who I had become and what it would take to be who I really was; who I was before.

A soft knock on the door brought me back to reality. I didn't realize tears had been spilling down my cheeks and wiped them quickly before opening the door. I could tell he was worried and I hated that I could do nothing to change that. I had to help myself before I could help him because I wouldn't be able to hid it.

"You okay?"

"Yea just going to the bathroom. I do need to use your phone, is that okay?"

"Sure. Need anything specific? Who do you need to call?"

I only had to send Fitz a look to make him realize I wasn't ready to say exactly what I needed the phone for. He whispered an apology before muttering "whatever you need" and trading places with me in the bathroom.

I unplugged his phone before opening up a new email and sending it to the only person that could help me.

"I need some help. Please call me when you're up."

Fitz was generous and anxious but allowed me to keep hold of his phone all morning, only asking if Lillian or CJ had sent them messages. They'd sent one message as they were eating breakfast along with a picture of CJ dressed for the day. We'd just finished lunch and were looking through paint swatches for the nursery when there was a knock at the door.

FITZ POV

She looked as though she had been expecting someone the second we heard the knocking. I moved quickly to the door and was shocked to see Stephen on the other side but immediately invited him in.

"Hey Fitz, nice to see you."

"Hey you too… what's going on, is there an update?"

"Fitz, I asked him to come."

I turned to see her moving towards us with apologetic, yet hopeful eyes and just nodded before taking a step back.

"I'll umm just go.."

"No, it's okay you don't have to do that. I wanted him to come but you need to know what's going on."

She was nervous to say what was on her mind and instead of waiting for her to speak up, Stephen held out a large brown envelope and handed it to Olivia.

"It's all been approved Liv and these are the options that have what you're looking for and they aren't too far from here, some can even do home visits if need be. Take a look over them and give me an answer by morning so we can set up the first visit and notify probation."

"Thank you Stephen… I umm really appreciate you doing this with such short notice."

"It was no problem. I'll talk to you both later.

He left just as quickly as he'd come and after locking up, I turned to see Olivia opening the envelop and looking through the papers. I wasn't sure if she wanted to open up to me right away but didn't want to give her a chance not to. I sat right next to her, and she turned so she was facing me before she finally spoke.

"Moira… Doctor Kelly asked me when was the last time I didn't feel stressed and I couldn't give her an answer. I didn't have one. For the past year and a half my life has been a cycle of stress and running and violence and it's too much to take.. I.. I can't keep going in cycles, it's too hard I can't do it anymore…"

She was becoming hysterical and I gripped her shoulders, bringing her back to reality. Back to where we currently were instead of where her mind had immediately wandered to.

"I know baby, but it doesn't have to be that way anymore. Russel's gone. He's gone and it's over."

"But it's not!" She stood up and took a step away from me, making me realize that I wasn't understanding what she was saying.

"He might be gone but everything that happened is still here!" She pointed to her head as her lips trembled and she moved from one foot to the other.

"It's all in my head and I see it and dream about it and it's so real and vivid it's crippling!" Her hand moved to her chest and she began rubbing deeply against her skin.

"And here… I love you and CJ and I feel that… but mostly it's all him. I feel the, the… the agony and pain each and everyday and it's suffocating me Fitz.."

She brought both arms to her stomach and held it protectively.

"I don't want it to suffocate him more than it already has. My blood pressure is so high because I've been running on adrenaline for over a year and everything is still bottled up inside of me. I need to let go of it before he gets here because I want what you want Fitz. I want our baby to be healthy and safe and for CJ to be safe but I can't give them that if I'm not mentally healthy for them. I need to talk to someone. I have to."

I reached for her hands and brought her into my arms, letting her cry for as long as she needed to.

"Whatever you need Livvie, we'll get it. No matter what baby, I promise."

All I could do was hold her and pray she believed me.

Liv POV

Today was different. She seemed to always know what the hell she was talking about and as much as I was grateful, it was hard. It took three sessions for her to pry open wounds that I had patched up the day I skipped town last year. It was all of those damn degrees that she had on her wall combined with my desire to move on that allowed us to reach this point.

I was calling Stephen not even an hour after he'd left and asked if he could put in an emergency request for me to meet with Yolanda Daniels. I'd filled out the paperwork online and found out that she was available for an intake and assessment that late afternoon and just needed approval to leave to house. We realized this office accepted clients as late as seven-thirty on weekdays and after looking through their staff members, I'd settled on Yolanda. She had so much experience and I wanted someone that read as passionately as her profile did.

Flashback

"Hello Olivia, I'm Yolanda Daniels. Can you tell me a little bit about why you're here? You filled out that you wanted freedom from your past."

"I do.. it's just all bad and I need to move on and leave it all behind me."

"What is it exactly that you're running from? What was so bad that you want to forget it all and move forward?"

"Well, after living with a broken father-daughter relationship, I still put my life in hold and took care of him while he was dying of cancer. Then his illegal organization realized he left all his money to me so they forced me to work with them and all but physically tortured me while making me follow their orders as they committed crimes. Things went bad when a man was killed during a bank robbery and I skipped town before they could kill me. Since then I've hid out with my… with a man that helped me until I turned myself in and spent the last few months in jail until I was granted house."

Yolanda cleared her throat before glancing down at Olivia's visible stomach and back at her.

"I think you left out some important details."

"Fitz and I are… we fell in love and he…a year ago I couldn't imagine having this. He and his little girl mean the world to me and we're having a son together but I can't go into this with everything from then. It has to be a fresh start and I have to leave it all in the past."

"So you want to find yourself by moving foreword with your new life? Does that sound correct?"

"Yes, that's what I want."

"Well I need you to know that's not possible but we can start from there."

End of Flashback

So as I sat here technically for the fourth time, I knew my guard could come completely down. Thirty minutes in and Yolanda was done with the surface level thoughts I was sharing and wanted to go deeper.

"So yesterday I gave you homework to write down affirmations that you felt you needed to say to yourself this week."

I could only nod. My fingers were playing with the metal spiral on my journal. I'd done the homework she gave me after much crying and hiding away in our bedroom alone.

"What was that process like? I want to know."

"I umm.. I just sat in Fitz's.. in our bedroom and there's a new chair by the window that I like and I sat there and did it."

"Did Fitz help you with this?"

"No, you said I should do this alone."

"I did, I was just checking. Did he want to help you?"

"He knew it was homework and I always do that alone so he didn't try to interfere. He's always respected my privacy."

"Alright good. So let's hear em. When you're ready."

I opened the journal just a few pages in and skimmed over the short list of affirmations and tried not to cry. We did these at each session but Yolanda was able to figure out that there was so much more inside of me than I was allowing to come out with affirmations. Even though I was doing these daily, I could only repeat one affirmation from a previous day. If I did repeat any she'd accept them but ask me questions to help me realize ones she'd somehow already 'Harry Pottered' out of me. She just always knew like she was a wizard or something and I loved it and hated it at the same time.

"I am doing the best I can to remain stress free by taking care of myself in the best way I know how."

"Okay. You are. You seem to have always taken care of yourself on a surface level and now you're able to go much deeper into self care in order to heal."

"Rome wasn't built in a day, so I won't be fixed in a day."

"Do you feel broken Olivia?"

"Yes"

"Are you broken?"

I didn't respond because this was the same battle from day one. She reached for her notepad and skimmed it for a second before setting it back down.

"Turn back to yesterday's affirmations and read number seven."

"I am not broken so I don't need fixing. I don't need fixing because I am not broken."

"Do you need to read that again? Yesterday you read it seven times and a part of your homework was to read it at home. Did you?"

I shook my head and the second she folded her hands, I began speaking the words slowly, each time harder than the last. She motioned for me to continue and I gratefully watched her go to her desk and pick up a small tin and hand it over to me. Without skipping a beat I opened it and was met with a whiff of lavender before pulling the putty out and squeezing it between my fingers. The cool substance between my fingers was introduced to me during our first session when I seemed to have some sort of panic attack or breakdown. Yolanda had pulled it out and stuck it directly into my hands, pushing my fingers into the lavender scented putty. I closed my eyes, allowing the lavender to work it's magic on me as I continued to say the words wanting to believe them. My shoulders became less tense as my brain focused on the coolness of it and I only realized she turned on the diffuser near the window when the scent of lavender and lemon filled the room.

"Guess what Olivia? You're not broken. You went through a lot of things but they didn't break you because you're strong. Tell me what others you have."

"Fitz and CJ won't hate me."

I couldn't stop the tears from falling if I wanted to and Yolanda seemed to know that this was a tender spot.

"Keep going Olivia. Tell me more."

"I will find myself again."

It was all connected. She'd help me realize that but I didn't know if they'd understand it.

"Why do you need to find yourself? Aren't you Olivia Pope?"

"I don't know who she is anymore because I haven't seen her in so long. There's a part of me still missing and I have to find her."

"What do you need to do Olivia? Be honest with yourself."

"I need to find me where I lost me… where I left me behind."

"Where was that Olivia? Where do you need to go?"

"Home."

Fitz POV

"Do you want to me to fix you anything? Tea? Do you want to take a bath?"

"No."

"Are you ready to talk about how your session went?"

"No."

I always had to ask but never pried. She'd willingly give me a short version of her session or share whatever she felt led to, but it wasn't happening today. When I picked her up, Yolanda had given me a look before telling Olivia to take it easy and that she'd see her tomorrow. Her silence was telling me everything I needed to know. I had to push because I learned it was always best to keep her talking.

"Okay if you're not ready to talk about it that's fine, I'm just trying to be there for you."

"You are there for me Fitz…"

"Not if you won't speak to me. We both know it does neither of us any good if we aren't communicating."

I hated raising my voice but was becoming frustrated. I could see that she was upset and knew she needed to talk about it. Therapy was vital but I knew how relaxed she became after we were able to talk through things at home. Yolanda always provided the clarity she needed to make sense of what she was feeling, and us talking things through helped her let it go.

"I communicate Fitz, I just need a break from talking."

"How long will this break be? Will you talk to me tonight or tomorrow? Each day Olivia. She suggested we talk after each session, each day."

"I don't know what to say today Fitz!"

"Say anything!"

"I can't with you pushing me like this!"

"I don't mean to push, I just don't want you going silent on me again. Just be honest with me."

"You want the truth? I realized today that the only way to move past everything going on with me, my entire fucked up past, is to face my past!"

"Okay so we can do that together! What's so bad about that?"

"My past isn't here Fitz! This isn't my past."

She threw her hands up gesturing around, making her point clear and silencing me.

"Charlotte isn't my past! Georgia is and I can't go there thanks to this damn thing on my leg."

She was crying now and I was feeling guilty finally understanding where her head must be. I tried to go to her but she took a step back and shook her head.

"Healing myself requires me to leave and I'm okay with that because all I need is a day or two. I would come back to you in a heartbeat, this is my home but once again I can't. I'm stuck and what I need the most, I can't have. Russel's dead and thats great. Good for him, but I still don't have my freedom."

"Livvie I… I don't.."

"You got nothing right? Join the club."

I let her walk away knowing we both needed space.

It was thirty minutes after cleaning the kitchen and living room that I finished cutting watermelon and tossing it in lime juice. It had been her to go snack for the past two weeks and I kept the house stocked with it. If my calculations were right, she'd been soaking in the tub for almost twenty minutes and thirty was usually her limit before she was uncomfortable. I grabbed a fork and took the stairs two at a time to our bathroom and knocked on the door quietly. She hadn't ever fallen asleep in the tub but I still didn't want to startle her.

I pushed the door open just a bit and asked if it was okay for me to come in.

"I've got treats if that helps?"

"You can come in."

I could tell she was more relaxed and in a better mood even though I could tell she'd been crying.

"Hey baby."

"Hi."

I reached out and rubbed her stomach, realizing I hadn't been able to do that since I picked her up.

"How are two of my favorite people doing? Feel like having a snack?"

She nodded and I sat next to the tub before insisting on feeding her pieces of fruit. Her guard was completely down and I hated how defeated she looked.

"I talked to CJ. She's excited to come home Sunday. I told her you were resting but would talk with her tomorrow."

"I'm sorry I missed talking to her."

"Hey you don't need to apologize." I sat the bowl down before moving closer and cupping the side of her face. She looked so exhausted from the day and I continued to feel guilty for pushing her to open up when she clearly wasn't ready. "I'm so sorry that I pushed you Livvie. I can only imagine how hard it's been for you and especially after today. The last thing you needed was me pressuring you to share the second you walked out of your session. I'm sorry."

I could tell she needed to hear that. She turned her face into my hand and kissed my palm before holding it back to her face. She nodded before sniffing quietly.

"I forgive you, it's okay. I just needed a bit of time and I didn't know how you would even respond to it."

"What do you mean?"

"Can we.. I wanna talk, just not like this. I think I've reached my limit."

"Oh of course, let me help you."

I got her towel and helped her up and out of the tub even though she could have done it on her own. When she was dried off I insisted on doing the work of rubbing her down with her lotion before we both climbed in bed. We were face to face and I wrapped my arms loosely around her and kissed her softly.

"Tell me why you were afraid of telling me about today."

"It wasn't that I was afraid I just didn't know how you'd respond to it. I didn't want to hurt your feelings or make you think I didn't want this. We don't lie to each other and I wasn't about to start now."

"You mean the leaving part?"

"Yea. If I could, I'd be driving or flying back to Georgia first thing in the morning. I know it what I need. It's what I need to heal. I can't find myself here because this isn't where I…"

She shook her head unable to explain what she was feeling.

"Hey just talk. It doesn't have to make sense out loud or even make sense to me, just say what you're thinking and I'll listen."

"This isn't where I left me. The old me, the, the Olivia Pope that you say you love and want to be with, without all the heavy baggage and depression and anxiety and fear. That Olivia can't just come back on her own and I hate that. I just want to be me again."

"I want that so bad for you baby but I want you to know that any and every version of you is the Olivia Pope I love and want to spend the rest of my life with. Whoever you are wanting to be, I want that for you and promise to love every single version of you. No questions asked."

Liv POV

I knew he was being honest with me and I loved him for it. I buried my face into his neck, waiting for my tears to lighten up before pulling back.

"Thank you. I just want you to know there's no other place I want to be than with you and CJ. This is my home now and I want to be here."

"I know you do."

I sighed and felt his lips press against my forehead. I was relieved that we'd just been able to talk through something that has us all but fighting over an hour ago.

"I know it was hard but I don't want you to ignore the fact that you had a productive session today. You realized what you needed most and verbalized it. That's huge."

"Yea, but what I realized is out of the question."

I shook my head against his chin and felt him oppositely nodding before he leaned back and cupped my cheeks, all but gluing his eyes to mine.

"But it was a breakthrough Livvie. I'm proud of you."

"Thank you. It still upsets me."

I pulled his arms tighter around my waist and snuggled further into his chest needing comfort.

"You're so brave baby. You prove that each and every time you step foot in that place."

"I don't feel like it. I mean I know it's good to get it all out and I need to do it, but the more I say it out loud the weaker I feel. And now I feel like a failure because I know what I need but can't get it."

"I'm going to tell you every hour on the hour if I need to that you're not a failure."

"Stephen said he can't make another appeal for time served for another thirty days but he's already got it drafted. It's probably a waste of time."

"What if it's not?"

"Even so, that's another thirty days of me stewing and wishing I could move forward."

He went quiet and I was filled with guilt for being so negative.

"I'm okay though. I won't let it keep me wallowing around the house, especially when CJ gets home so you don't need to worry about that. I just needed tonight to feel this way."

I waited for a response but could tell his brain was firing.

"Hey… Fitz."

He didn't respond until I brought my hand up and snapped my fingers near his ear.

"Hey where'd you go?"

He looked relieved and finally glanced at me with a bright smile like he'd just figured out the worlds greatest mystery.

"What if instead of you going to Georgia, we bring Georgia to you?"