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Chapter 23
It had come out of nowhere. She had been folding up baby clothes to put in drawers when it hit her. She had been hoping that with the threat of Green gone that they would have disappeared, but they hadn't. Her body shook against the weight of the bed. John rubbed the small of the back, trying to soothe, but not overcrowd her.
Slowly, she calmed and tears began to escape her eyelids. Nearly flinging herself against John, she wrapped her arms tightly around him and sobbed into his shirt. She hated this feeling, this loss of control.
John was always patient, always there. His arms came around her to hold her close and allow her to get it all out.
Anna didn't know why it had happened. Her therapist would say that it didn't just come out of nowhere, that something must have triggered this new panic attack. But at the moment, she couldn't take the time to figure out what it was. Right now, she just felt defeated, once more.
As Anna's tears subsided, her body hiccupped with the aftershocks. She sat up and let out a shuddering breath.
"I….I don't know why….." Anna tried to speak. With tender hands, John placed them on her cheeks.
"My darling, you have been through a lot. You still have to deal with the attack and having to see that man's face again and all he put you through. It'll take time."
"But I want this over, John. I want….I want to move on. Enjoy our lives."
John brought her closer to him and kissed her temple.
"We are. And we will," he promised her. His hand moved from her face and rested down on her now 35 week belly. Anna's came to rest on top of his and she bit down on the corner of her lip.
"I want to be a good mum to her, John. How…how can I be when I keep…."
"Shh," John soothed. "You are going to be the best mum, Anna. She's so lucky to have you."
Anna sniffled, but didn't say anything else. She sat herself back up and grabbed another one of the onesies she had been folding before her meltdown. Lifting the onesie up, she smiled. Then she showed it to John and shook her head.
"Can you believe we're going to have a little one that fits in this?" John's head moved to the side and he chuckled.
"I can't." His fingers clasped at the fabric, as he tried to imagine a small baby inside of it. "But I am thrilled about it."
"Me too," Anna replied. "Me too."
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
John inhaled sharply, as his nerves began to grow more and more. He took a step forward, brought his fist up, and knocked against the cottage door. Today Anna and Elsie were out looking at cribs, so he knew that only Charles would be home.
The door swung open and Charles gave him a warm smile. It was odd, almost, seeing such warmth on Charles face toward him. But ever since he had learned the truth, he had been a completely different person with John. John was sure he wanted to keep it that way too and not give him any reason to dislike him ever again.
"Hello, Charles," John said, trying to keep his voice from shaking. Charles widened the door and motioned for John to join him inside.
"For what do I owe this pleaser?" Charles asked, as he led the two of them into the living area. Charles pointed to the couch for John to sit and then took a seat in his lounge chair. John glanced at the couch, but decided against sitting. He needed to just say it before he began to fumble over his words.
"Charles, you know that I love Anna, very much," John began. Charles' head nodded. "And I am going to love her baby, raise it as if it were my very own." Again Charles nodded his head. "I…well, you see, I would like to marry Anna and I would like your blessing to do so," John quickly stated. At that, Charles stood. John stepped back slightly, unaware of what may happen next. But Charles placed his hand on John's shoulder firmly and smiled.
"About time you asked!" He exclaimed.
"I wanted to sooner, but with everything going on I had to wait for the right time."
"Right, right," Charles agreed. "All I ask is that you take good care of my daughter and granddaughter, make them happy."
"I will," John promised. It was all that he wanted, for them to be happy and safe.
"I know you will, John." Charles dropped his hand from John's shoulder and disappeared into his bedroom, leaving John confused. But before John could ask any questions, Charles was back with a small box in his hand. "Now, you have probably already figured the ring out, but this was Anna's mother's set." He handed him the box and John gingerly opened it. Inside sat an engagement ring and a wedding band.
"Oh," John said, in amazement of holding such a prized possession.
"Anna knows we have it. We've been holding on to it since we adopted her at 4 years old. We wanted to give the box to her on her wedding day, but I feel like maybe you will have a better plan for them."
John closed the box and then placed it into his front pocket. "I do," he answered. "Thank you."
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It was happening again. The two had been shopping at the small baby boutique and it hit her fast and hard. She had been unable to use her coping techniques. Before she knew it, she was on the floor, against the wall, and finding it harder to breathe.
Elsie had sent all the curious, helpful shoppers away and made her way down on the floor next to Anna. Her brows furrowed. Things didn't seem to be getting better for her daughter. It broke her heart.
"Alright, dear, it's okay. Take your time. I'm here. We have all the time in the world. Don't forget to breathe. That's it, love, nice deep breaths." Elsie repeated over and over again, before Anna's breathing finally settled.
She had to use the side of the wall to help her get up with her large belly and then she had to help her mother up off the floor.
"I'm so embarrassed," Anna admitted, hiding her face in her hands. "All these people must thing I am crazy."
"No, Anna. And if they do, who cares? We don't know them anyway," Elsie told her. Anna sighed, dropping her hands from her face.
"I care. I….I don't know why this keeps happening. The therapist says there has to be a trigger, but I can't figure out what that trigger is. It keeps coming out of nowhere."
"Well, what have you been doing when these attacks hit you?" Elsie questioned, trying to get to the bottom of what was troubling Anna.
"I…I don't know. Nothing that would be triggering. Today, we were shopping, of course. Yesterday, I was folding baby clothes and organizing the guest room to make it into a nursery. The day before I was online shopping." Anna told her mother. "I don't see a connection."
"And what were you shopping for online?"
"Things for the baby," Anna answered. "Why?" Elsie sighed. She reached out and took her daughter's hand within her own and gave it a gentle, loving squeeze.
"Love, do you think it could be the baby?" Anna pulled her hand away from Elsie and brought it to her chest, while shaking her head.
"No, no," she said. "Why…why would the baby be my trigger? I love her." Elsie twisted her lips slightly and took a moment before responding. She knew this was a delicate matter and therefore needed to be gentle with her reply.
"Anna, dear, could there be some fear about once she's here and how you'll feel?" Elsie watched as Anna's body curled into itself ever so slightly and her eyes avoided her. She turned away from Elsie and acted extremely interested in the row of baby formula. Anna picked a can up and began to read the back of it. Carefully, Elsie took the can from Anna's hands, forcing her to look at her. "It's okay if you are, Anna. You do know that, right? No one would blame you for having hesitations about a child that was conceived under such circumstances."
Anna snatched the can back from Elsie, now seething.
"I don't have hesitations about my child. All I have been wanting to do was protect her and now you think I don't love her or want anything to do with her?"
"Now, that's not what I said, Anna. I never said you don't love her or want her. All I am saying is….."
"I….I need to get going. John will be wondering what's taking so long," Anna feebly explained. She began to push her buggy up to the front to pay for her items. Elsie inhaled sharply, but decided to quietly follow behind. She couldn't say anything else right now. All she could do now was pray that Anna would find the courage to face her deepest fear.
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"And you're sure this is the one you want?" Robert asked John. The two walked down the small pathway in the front yard. John nodded.
"Absolutely. It's close enough to Anna's parents, but also far enough away," he joked. "Nice backyard. Four bedrooms, so room to grow. And it's nice and quiet here, no loud cars zooming past like there are at the flat late at night."
"What does Anna think?" Robert questioned. John kicked at a small rock on the ground, before looking up at the house before him. It wasn't a large house, but it wasn't small either. The house was the perfect size for their family.
"She doesn't know. Not yet. I want it to be a surprise," John confessed. Robert made a small sound of disapproval, as he rocked on his heels.
"Are you sure that's wise?" Robert treaded. "You don't think she'd want some say in where she wants to live?'
"Yes, I know. I am going for a big swing here," John answered.
"A very big swing," Robert agreed. "Well, if this is what you want, I will draw up the paperwork."
"Thanks, Robert."
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Sybil heavily sighed, before she closed the file. Her eyes fell on Anna and she shook her head.
"I don't like these numbers, Anna," Sybil said a moment later. "Your blood pressure is still on the higher end."
Anna chewed on the inside of her lip and she could feel as John's hand encircled hers. She sat up slightly, readjusting her top.
"I am going to need you to take it easy, Anna. Easier than you have. I want to see you back here in two days," Sybil told her.
"What can I do to help her?" John questioned. He felt completely useless. Everything he had been trying to do to help Anna relax didn't seem to be helping. He could see that Anna's shoulders were squared and tense at this exact moment.
"Just don't have her doing any housework. No stressors, at all. Decide dinner. Let her have all the ice cream she wants," Sybil added with a wink.
"He's already doing all that," Anna stated.
"Good."
"Should she stay off her feet?" Sybil's head shook.
"No, she can go on walks if that helps her to calm down. But if you want to lay on the couch and watch movies all day, go for it."
"Okay," Anna said, with a quick nod of her head.
"If your numbers aren't any better at the next visit, I may need to admit you to the hospital."
"It'll be better," Anna stated. The last thing she wanted to do was spend her last four weeks pregnant stuck in the hospital. She would get her stressors under control.
-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-
He felt anxious, more anxious than he ever had in his entire life. With great care, he drove slowly down the winding road on the Downton Abbey property. Anna's eyes were on her hands and she wasn't even paying much attention to where they had gone after the doctor's visit.
"I just want to go home," Anna said to him, before glancing up. As she did, she realized where they were. "I don't want to go by my parents' house, John." She hadn't told John what had gone on between her and her mother, but John knew things were strained. He didn't know how to help that situation right now. When they had last had dinner together, he asked Elsie about it. All she had replied was "That girl has so much anger and sadness inside of her that she still isn't allowing herself to confront."
"We aren't going there. I just need to stop by somewhere really quickly and then we will head back home, alright?" Anna sighed, but nodded.
John pulled up in front of the home, parked the car, and stepped out. He walked over to Anna's side and opened her door.
"Why don't you get outside for a minute? The fresh air would do you some good."
"Alright," Anna said. She took his hand and stood. John walked her through the front pathway and he pulled out the key to unlock the front door. As he did this, Anna's eyes narrowed.
"John?"
He just opened the door and waited for Anna to walk into the house. He wondered if now was a bad time. Should he wait until the baby was here and then take his big chance? But he wanted this done before Carson was here. He wanted it to be a moment of just the two of them.
Anna's eyes ran over the room and her lips fell into a straight, curious line.
"John, what….?" Before she could finish her sentence, she turned to find John down on one knee with a box opened to reveal a ring. Anna gasped. "John….."
"Anna, you make me the happiest man alive. I want to make this official, us official."
"Yes, of course, yes!" Anna said, pulling on John's hands to get him to stand. He stood, took the ring out of the box, and went to slide it on Anna's hand. Upon seeing the ring, Anna teared up. "This….this was my mum's."
"Yes," John stated. "Your father gave it to me." Anna wrapped her arms around John's neck and planted a kiss against his lips.
"I love it. But why….why are we in a house for this?"
"I bought it," John simply stated. "I bought it for us."
"A house? This house? For us?" Anna asked. Her lips twisted and she slowly began to walk toward the back, glass door to look outside. John held his breath, afraid she would be angry. But before he could say anything else, Anna turned to him with a bright smile.
"I love it!" She exclaimed. At this, John laughed, relieved.
"Yes?"
"Yes! Can we take a tour around?"
"Absolutely."
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The baby kicked against Anna's side and she pressed her hand against the spot. Her eyes moved over to John and she gave him a smile. It was all coming together. They now had a home they would be moving into soon, they were engaged, and they were all going to be a proper family.
John's hands began to massage against her foot, so she relaxed herself against the cushions on the sofa. Her lids began to close.
"Which room would you like to be the nursery?" At John's question, Anna reopened her eyes.
"I…I don't know," she answered. While they had done a tour of the house, she really needed to revisit it before making any big decisions.
"I was thinking of the room across from the master, so she's closer to us. But it can be wherever you wish," John said, as his fingers applied pressure against her foot.
"I'm sure that would be fine," Anna answered. And suddenly she thought of how she didn't have a nursery theme prepared and how the baby would be here soon. Then the darkest of thoughts filled her brain. Before she knew it, another panic attack took over her. And suddenly, she couldn't breathe.
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Ring. Ring. Ring.
Charles grumbled, turning to his side, and covering his head with a pillow. It was still dark out.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Elsie shifted in the bed.
"Well is someone going to get that?" She asked Charles, who just grumbled some more. She sighed and sat up. Her eyes fell to the clock beside the bed. "It's 4 am," she bemoaned, but she still stood and walked over to the phone.
"Hello?" She tiredly answered.
"Elsie? It….it's Anna. Her blood pressure is way too high. They say they may have to deliver the baby right away." Elsie's hand came over her lips to suppress a worried cry.
After she calmed herself slightly, she answered, "We'll be right there."
To be continued...
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