Plagiarist 10
"The Giggle Factory, a clown-themed party supply store," Xander said shaking his head. "You'd think they'd learn by now." The tar and gravel rooftop they were on provided a perfect view of the building across from them.
"Actually they have," Alfred replied with a glint of amusement in his eyes. "It closed down three months ago, when it was named Fallbrook Hardware and Supplies. It was renamed and redecorated, despite being closed, just after word of the Joker's escape hit the papers. They also took out a great deal of insurance on the place, for some unknown reason."
Julie shook her head. "Businessmen are even more crooked than the crooks."
"They can be," Alfred agrees, "but in this case it's a trap, as it's much easier to win the battle when you prepare the field beforehand."
"Batman sets these places up so he'll know where to go, plus he'll have a blueprint of the place and possibly some hidden cameras," Xander realized.
"I can't see Bruce defrauding an insurance company," Julie said. "Who is the insurer?"
"Wayne industries," Alfred replied as he brought out a laptop and booted it up, waiting to see if they'd figure it out.
"So he's paying himself?" Xander asked.
"No, he's paying his fake 'owner' with his money," Julie said, "it's a simple money-laundering operation, but for what?"
"To pay for all his bat stuff," Xander guessed. "That stuff costs a mint and he can't afford to leave a money trail leading to the Wayne family."
"The best operation is one that accomplishes several goals at once," Alfred noted as he brought up the surveillance cameras on the laptop, showing the inside of the store.
"He's got hostages," Julie noted, spotting a cage hanging from the ceiling with several young boys wearing scout uniforms in it.
"No, he doesn't," Alfred corrected her as he zoomed in on the cage and the frozen smiles on their motionless bodies became visible.
Julie muttered something under her breath and her fingers dug into her palms as she glared at the building across from them.
"How… alive does the Joker have to be?" Alfred asked mildly.
Despite his tone Xander shivered. "He has to have a pulse," he said, recalling how Two Face's clone had turned out despite his injuries.
"That should be… sufficient," Alfred agreed with a nod, as he straightened his suit and checked his weapons.
"Aren't you going to change into something a bit more inconspicuous?" Julie asked.
Alfred smiled evilly. "No, I do believe I am dressed appropriately to… tidy up." The click of his cane echoed angrily as he headed for the elevator.
"Shouldn't we follow him?" Xander asked nervously as they both watched the old man depart, almost afraid to move and draw his attention.
"Better than being in his sights," Julie agreed shivering.
The pair quickly hurried to catch up with him, but reached the elevator too late as the doors closed.
"Stairs," Julie said, turning and sprinting for the fire door.
"Wait up!" Xander called out, quickly chasing after her.
Leaping down the stairs they reached the bottom floor as Alfred exited the elevator. The old man didn't hurry, but moved with a steady gait, the muted click of his cane on the floor and the multitude of weapons he had secreted about his person the only sounds he made. Xander caught his breath before Julie did, but still had to rush to catch up. The pair had just reached the old man when he casually lobbed a grenade through the broken front door, before he firmly pushed them to the side.
"I thought you'd be a tad more subtle than this," Julie said as the grenade went off, the front doors blown off their hinges by the force of the explosion, barely missing them.
"Miss Julie, sometimes subtlety is simply a matter of handling things expeditiously and making sure to tidy up all the loose ends afterwards," he explained politely as he ran diamond wire in a loop around the pin from the grenade he's just used and idly pulled it back and forth, little flecks of metal drifting to the ground as he waited for some unknown signal.
A grenade works well then," Xander said, as Alfred pocketed the pin and pulled out a Welrod Mk I and entered the building, ignoring the smoke and stepping over several thugs that were bleeding out on the floor as he took stock of the entryway.
Julie stared in shock as Alfred calmly shot several groaning men with no more emotion than he'd show pitting an olive.
"I thought we were only planning on killing the Joker," Xander said, lending an arm to Julie who despite her memories was unused to this level of casual carnage.
"Plans change," Alfred noted as he changed clips. "Did you know I sponsored a local Boy Scout troop?" he asked, as he looked around and choose where to go next.
"Were those…" Julie's voice trailed off, unable to finish.
"No," Alfred assured her, lobbing a flashbang grenade around the corner in front of her, "but I'm sure my troop was acquainted with them."
The three turned away and closed their eyes as the grenade went off, followed by loud cursing and screams.
The long-barreled pistol Alfred was carrying silenced those as well.
They continued through the store towards the back where the stockroom and offices were. Alfred using a variety of grenades as the situation demanded to clear the way or chase the remaining henchman out of hiding. He'd often pause and lean on his cane for a moment while patiently listening for movement ahead of them, seemingly unaffected by the ringing in the ears the other two were suffering from.
"He'll be in the main office," Alfred said as they passed through the customer service area, while molding a thin line of clay that he made a circle with and pressed onto the wall to the right of the door to the manager's office.
"So… what's the plan?" Xander asked, moving back.
"I'll render him unconscious, you'll make a clone, and then I'll take care of the original," Alfred explained, as he attached a detonator to the plastic explosive he'd set on the wall. "Move back, please."
Once they'd moved back far enough Alfred tripped the explosive, blowing a basketball-sized hold in the wall.
Julie and Xander tensed up, but Alfred simply opened the door and entered the office, revealing an unconscious Joker, the left side of his purple suit partially shredded, with blood dripping down his side, as he lay on the floor, a fire axe next to him.
"Predictable to the last," Alfred said glaring at the murderer. "If you'd be so kind?" he requested.
Xander laid two fingers on the Joker, creating a naked clone with a Glasgow smile and normal skin tones visible under clumsily applied white greasepaint. He'd done his best not to touch the madness of the clown he was copying, but he could feel the mind of the clone and it burned!
"Wanna know how I got these scars?" the clone asked, his eyes snapping open.
*BANG!*
"Not really," Alfred said calmly, changing out the clip once more. "Try for a slightly more accurate clone please, that one wouldn't have fooled anyone."
"Something closer," Xander muttered, "but saner."
This clone appeared with the correct coloration but well-muscled and covered in gang tattoos with all his teeth capped in gold.
*BANG!*
"A bit closer but still a failure," Alfred noted.
"If just for aesthetic reasons," Julie agreed, looking away from the splattered brains and blood covering the carpet.
"Third time's a charm," Xander said, taking a deep breath and concentrating on his memory of the Joker voiced by Mark Hamill in the animated series he'd watched.
The Joker who formed looked almost exactly like the original this time and awoke in an instant. "Do I have to pay extra for this?" he asked as he opened his eyes and saw the three of them.
Julie frowned at Xander's grin, placing a hand over his mouth before he could say anything.
"How do you feel about mass murder?" Alfred asked, as calmly as he'd asked what they'd wanted for tea earlier.
"The occasional big-ticket extravaganza is OK, I suppose," the new Joker said thoughtfully," but just between you and me, in this economy you have to be competitive and personal service is the way to go!" He grinned widely and folded his hands behind his head, completely unconcerned with his lack of clothing.
"He's actually rather funny," Julie noted with some surprise.
"A very slippery mind," Xander added, "but not nearly as toxic."
"I hope you brought a change of clothes," Alfred said as he took out a green glowing vial and poured it on the two dead Jokers, causing their flesh to bubble and collapse inward like deflating parade floats.
"In the car," the new Joker replied having some idea of what was occurring from his brief contact with Xander's mind, "and can I have my stuff?"
"Suit yourself," Xander said as the moved back to let him mug his unconscious and still bleeding progenitor.
"Not in this one," the Joker said, "red just washes out my complexion like you wouldn't believe."
"Do you understand what's going on?" Alfred asked, ignoring the pun.
"Mid-season replacement for an unfunny hack," the new Joker replied cheerfully. "I may not be the Joker Gotham needs, but I'm the one it deserves!"
Xander laughed, making Julie and Alfred look at him, confused.
"It's not funny if I have to explain it," Xander said.
"Look up BADMAN on YouTube," the new Joker suggested cheerfully.
"Well as amusing as this all is, I do believe we should get going," Alfred said, taking another grenade from his pocket and using Crazy Glue to affix it to the unconscious Joker's left hand.
"What are you doing?" the new Joker asked curiously as Alfred placed a pin in the Joker's other hand and slapped him awake.
"Preparing a punchline," Alfred replied as the Joker slowly came to, his hand instinctively curling around the grenade. "Keep a good grip on that, now," Alfred said as he pulled the pin out of the grenade and slipped it in his pocket before taking out his pistol and wiping it off, setting it next to the Joker.
"Julie, Xander, and the new Joker quickly exited the room at Alfred's direction.
"Please tell me why Alfred went all Dirty Harry," the new Joker asked, sounding genuinely concerned.
"You know him?" Julie said, surprised. "And who's Dirty Harry?" she added.
"Of course I know him," the new Joker said, not explaining anything more.
"Dirty Harry is a movie police officer who brings home crooks in body bags," Xander replied. "The poor excuse for a Joker over there kills way too many people going for large numbers, including groups of children."
"As the great W.C. Fields once said 'Never work with animals or children,'" the new Joker replied, shaking his head.
Alfred stood in the doorway and waited.
"What is this?" the Joker demanded as he looked at the grenade.
"It's a grenade, you have nineteen questions left," Alfred replied with a polite smile.
"What?" the Joker asked, confused, as he blinked blood out of his eyes and looked at what he had in his hands.
"It's a grenade," Alfred repeated. "Eighteen questions left."
The Joker put the pin he was holding in the grenade, while sighing at how boring and predictable the good guys were. Picking up the pistol lying next to him he checked to make sure it was loaded. He test fired it, exploding a computer monitor. "I'm not playing your game."
"How about I ask a question then?" Alfred asked, as he leaned forward on his cane.
"Fine, fine," the Joker said, waving the gun at him, "ask your question, but then I'm shooting you."
"Very well," Alfred said calmly, "what is the most important element of a joke?"
The Joker smirked. "The punchline of course." He raised the gun, pausing as the pin in the grenade came apart and clattered on the ground in several pieces. "Ahhh!" he screamed as he waved his hand and tried to get rid of the grenade that he now found was glued to his hand.
Alfred closed the door just before the grenade went off causing the wall to shake and bits of purple clothing and eggshell-white flesh to be blown out of the hole next to the door in a shower of gore.
The new Joker laughed and applauded. "Mr. Pennyworth, it I were wearing a hat, I'd take it off, that was brilliant!"
"I missed the joke," Xander admitted, knowing from the new Joker's response that Alfred had just done something significant.
"As did I," Julie admitted, trying not to show how freaked out she was.
The new Joker sighed. "Plebeians. I'll explain just this once. Do you know what the most essential element in comedy is?"
"The punchline?" Xander guessed.
The new Joker shook his head. "The punchline is an important part of the joke but the most essential element in comedy is… timing."
The two black-clad characters turned and stared at Alfred who simply shrugged. "It seemed appropriate," he said unapologetically.
"I am so glad I only have to face Batsy," the Joker said honestly, "he's a great straight man and I never have to worry about being upstaged."
Alfred lit and tossed a couple of flares around the hall. "As cathartic as this has been, I believe a degree of haste would be in order at this time."
"Agreed, and thanks for turning up the heat, I was feeling a bit of a draft here," the Joker said cheerfully before fleeing, not wanting to give Alfred a chance to outshine his parting comment with one of his own.
"And that's our cue to skedaddle," Xander said as the three departed the way they came in.
Typing by: Jarreas