"Welcome dear readers! It's nice to see each other again!"
The red-haired beauty smiled.
"Or, to be more accurate, it's nice you took time to 'read' this page, well you know my habit of breaking the fourth wall anyway."
She looked at the 'camera' with mischief.
"Well, this chapter will be a little different in the fact it will mostly be a crack oneshot after another crack oneshot, showing the absurdity in how some things in the Naruverse happened. Of course, some of those oneshots can be plain serious, after all, Kishimoto REALLY should learn how to keep track of the endless amount of his inconsistencies he kept putting in the manga and anime. And while we are at it, we will as well deconstruct some of the fanfic cliches as well."
She smiled more.
"Or to be more accurate, we will deconstruct a good amount of the annoying plot holes and ass-pulls, wether by playing their results in a realistic and humoring way, or take said problems, and increase them Up To Eleven, and see what pops up."
Illusion then spread her arms, her expression getting 'excited'.
"Now, let's begin 'creating' this chapter!"
Forgiven or not
"I object on my treatment!"
A woman who was bound by the ninja holding -Okino Yui- her said, looking at Tsunade, who looked back at her uncaringly.
"Well, you should have thought about that before trying to attack Uzumaki Naruto." Tsunade stated.
This woman, unexpectedly, didn't attack the boy-now-man out of malice, hate, or spite because of his jinchuuriki status.
The reason was much, much simpler and more logical.
Naruto tried to seduce her, and like any freaking normal woman with a husband and children, she tried to slap him away, which apparently counts as a 'threatening' attack.
And then she ended up captured by the Anbu, and here she was now.
And just to make it clear, Naruto is already married to, like, 10 women, with a dozen slave girls or so.
So for her it simply makes no sense for him to try seducing her, especially with the rumors that he slept with ten times the amount of women he has in his residence while he was in the red light district, and for whatever reason, all his wives are like 'wow! My husband is awesome!'
But sadly, it seems that having power equals absolute control and the death of common sense.
"But others DID attack him more severely and they're not even captured for their faults! That Sakura girl attacked him yet you shrugged her attempts, why?" she asked.
"Well, Sakura's mother was an abusive bitch who tried to force her daughter to have sex with the Uchiha brat, and her father was no better, physically abusing his daughter for not being a boy." Tsunade answered.
"Yeah, that's horrible, but it shouldn't mean that she should be easily forgiven, right?" Yui tried to reason with this COMPLETELY idiotic hokage.
"Also, didn't that Haku girl try to freeze his balls when he tried to touch her rear before they became married? Why is she completely fine?" Yui kept questioning, hoping this boobzila will see reason.
"The girl had lost her parents when her mother was killed by her idiotic father, and she had to kill him to survive, she then had to deal with a harsh mentor, and Naruto knows this, an that's why he forgives her."
"And Temari who threatened to slice him with her big fan?"
"Temari had to deal with her idiotic late father, make sure that her at-the-time psychotic brother doesn't kill her, so I think she needs to get some leeway."
Yui looked blankly, and Tsunade and the Anbu felt a chill running down their spines.
"So..." Yui started "as long as the person in question has some 'tragic' past, and Naruto forgives them, they're fine?" she asked with a dry tone.
"Yes?" Tsunade said with confusion.
"And, because I don't have an unhealthy past or trauma, I'm supposed to know better, and try to be more gentle, especially as he is a celebrity here?" Yui stated in the same deadpan tone.
Tsunade gave her a resolute nod.
"that's right."
Yui sighed.
"well, at least we tried."
"we?" Tsunade questioned.
Shadows started covering Yui's body, turning her entire figure black while only showing her teeths that became stretched from ear to ear, with red eyes.
Tsunade tried to attack her, only to realise that she couldn't move.
The anbu as well became unable to move.
Yui uncaringly freed herself from the unmoving ninjas, moving to the window, looking at the village while the rest were hopelessly looking at her.
"you know what? I think that the people of this world sometimes completely ignore logic. even if it's thrown to their faces." Yui started.
"it simply shows in the utter nepotism that's related to that Naruto guy."
"as long as HE decides that someone is 'good', then said person automatically becomes good, and I could care less about such an existance." she said without care.
she then turned to the group with her smug grin.
"and don't think I don't know what you're trying to do; I know you will 'bring' me to a 'therapist' so I will learn how to act 'properly' around the Uzumaki boy. Meaning: Become his slave in all but name. I am not dumb, I know you kill the men and have the women become charmed and brainwashed so they get their chance to be 'forgiven'."
"that's why..." Yui started, making others gulp from the hopeless situation "I'll just go out of this world~!" she said stunning everyone as the dark shadows retreated, showing her normal figure, only for her to slowly disappear from the dimension.
Okino Yui's existence got then slowly erased from the {world} and life kept going.
"Tada! the first cliche on this episode! although instead of a deconstruction, it just points to the utter stupidity in making one person or group, namely this annoying protagonist -and many others- who keep acting as if only they have the absolute control of the morality, decide who is guilty and/or innocent. Honestly, it wouldn't be strange if Yui-chan killed Naruto-chan right there~!" Illusion chirped.
"Now then, what other cliches do we have?"
Not so different
Sasuke looked at Naruto as they faced each other at the VotE, with both of them exhausted as the battle raged.
"why don't you get it Naruto?!" Sasuke screamed irritated "I don't want to return to Konoha! Just how hard is it to understand?"
"I told you, you won't go to Orochimaru, also, revenge is not the answer!" Naruto, wearing all-black and edgy, told him.
Seriously, he never understood why Sasuke even wanted to go to Orochimaru. The guy has everything he wants in konoha; discounts, fans and females wanting to satisfy him. Really, it's as if he thinks that no one understa-
"Oh can you just STOP acting as if you are the moral compass of the ninja world?! What the hell do you even think you know about my life anyways?" Sasuke cut his thought.
Naruto raised an eyebrow. The brat made it seem as if Naruto didn't know him at all.
"Of course I know about your life in konoha." Naruto snorted "You're konoha's golden prince! I really don't get why you want to leave all of that for a traitor."
Sasuke glared at him, and slowly started to chuckle, then laugh loudly, confusing the blond boy.
"Then you don't know me, heh, it seems that both of us took our lessons about hiding our skills and mentalities to heart." Sasuke stated.
Naruto's eyes widened.
"Since you were so nice and ripped off your mask, let me now rip mine and show you the real me."
And Sasuke closed his eyes for a second before opening them, and two Mangekyo Sharingan eyes were staring at the baffled black-clothed boy.
"What the hell?!"
Sasuke looked annoyed, glaring straight at naruto's eyes.
"You really are still an idiot, even with al those 'changes', huh? Then let me explain it to you, in a world where time and space are meaningless. Tsukuyomi!"
And the area around Naruto changed turning into an inversed world where left and right are swapped.
Naruto kept looking stupefied at the whole situation.
"You. How...?!"
"I know what you are thinking." Sasuke appeared in front of Naruto with a smirk. "'How does he have the Mangekyo?', 'why did he suddenly change?' and 'from when was he like that?', right?"
"Well, let me tell you a new story, and have you live it as well."
The world around Naruto changed, as he realised in muted horror that even his senses were twisted to satisfy Sasuke's wishes.
"Years ago, a child was born, given a life thanks to a happy couple."
"He was a nice child, but as he grew up, he realised he was lonely as his father wasn't very good at showing compassion, but he was happy anyways, as he knew his family loved him."
Naruto 'felt' it. Happiness, sadness, annoyance and more.
He realised that it was Sasuke's emotions. From when he was a child!
"The boy kept growing, realising the existance of ninjas, and wanting to be one of the best if only for proving himself to his father and brother."
"The boy's mother was quite supportive to him but it couldn't completely negate the feelings of inferiority he had towards his brother or his desire to be seen as excellent as his brother and being acknowledged as a great would-be-ninja by his father."
"The boy got at some point train so hard that his sotic father acknowledged his efforts. He was quite happy with his accomplishments."
"But all those happy moments, those sweet times, all of them would be ripped from him."
"All his family, dead; the smell of blood sticking to the air, creating a disturbing atmosphere. The stench of the corpses causing him to nearly throw up."
"But it didn't end there. As he discovered that the brother who he adored was the one who committed the massacre that ended up destroying his happiness."
"The boy's brother was brutal, as he put the despairing boy in a sadistic illusion where he had to watch his family killed, over and over again, for what felt like eternity."
Naruto felt horror swallowing him as the gruesome images of the genocide kept appearing in his head.
"The boy got knocked unconscious for days, and waking up, he had to see the ugly side of the village that he cared for."
"He saw the villager who he cared about turn into unrecognisable figures who just wanted to curry favors from him."
"The girls who he felt a little uncomfortable while around them turned to a bunch of pathetic and near-psychotic stalkers wanting nothing more than to get his money, his life and objectify him."
"He saw people who he trusted to mentally and emotionally take care of him throw him to live in the very place he got his trauma, with no support other than few attempts to curry favors, trying to control him."
"That's why, when the village kept sabotaging him on purpose, allowing others to graduate early yet forbidding him 'to make sure he is growing properly' regardless of how far ahead he was, when they kept trying to keep him on a leash for their agendas, he gave up."
"He stopped giving chances to his village, he stopped caring about their apathic attitude towards his trauma just because it is a ninja village he is living in."
"That's why he will leave, why he will join a traitor, because in the end; if you were abused and sabotaged, wouldn't you go with a 'traitor' who will help you as well?"
"The second 'omake'! Now I really don't get why people keep bashing Sasuke." Illusion starts.
"I mean, yeah, he was horrible in Shippuden, but he wasn't that bad at the start... until Itachi got the BRILLANT idea to Tsukuyomi Sasuke, AGAIN, after Sasuke started getting some social interactions and withdrawing from his solitude. The fact that Orochimaru marked him didn't help either. The again, most authors don't bother trying to make him a sympathic character, him, or Sakura, and many others."
she looked amused about the whole thing.
"Oh, and on a side note..." she smirked "let's compare Sasuke's abuse with Fanon Naruto's!"
"Both were neglected, Sasuke by his father and brother to a degree, Fan-naruto by practically everyone, along with the abuse."
"both were seeking attention, Sasuke more from his father and brother, fan-Naruto from the 'whole village'."
"both had their clans wiped out by 'ungrateful bastards', Sasuke thanks to the genocide, and fan-Naruto because Bashed!konoha thought the Uzumaki were dangerous and had to cut their ties."
"both had to avenge their families and they both had no problem to side with a 'traitor' to do so. It's just that Naruto is the one who is always deemed 'right' regardless of how horrible his actions are even compared to Danzo and Shippuuden!Sasuke combined."
"Now, what's next...?"
Literally too old and uninterested in the future to give a damn
Coyote Starrk was roaming in the void along with his companion Lilinette, he was looking blankly at the area around him. Although there wasn't much to see except darkness.
A change in the atmosphere around them caught their attention.
"Welcome, children." an exotic voice reached his ear, prompting them to look at the source of the voice.
You know how this is going to happen, an attractive woman who is the ruler of all creations (we'll call her Ophicus, deal with it) who wants Naruto to 'fix' his original world and destroy the threat of the Akatsuki.
"So, what do you think about this offer?" she asked excitedly after telling him about his previous life and how much Hinata/Sakura/whoever-she-is misses him.
"No."
Silence.
...
...
...
"N-No?" Ophicus asked in bafflement.
"Well, we had already died twice, right?" Starrk said.
"Yeah, why would be bothering to return to a world of backstabbers and haters, while we can stay happily together and forever?" Lilinette asked with heat.
"W-Well..."
"She's right, also, sorry to burst your bubble but I can barely remember our first life, if at all."
"Me too! Also, why NOW?! You've had like, centuries to drag us from the Hueco Mundo to 'fix' our first world. Why only after we die again that you bother bugging us? And why especially US?! Aren't there some other kid out there you can give him all those OP abilities so he gets his harem and wank story?" Lilinette was very annoyed at her.
"Uhhh..."
"Also, having a harem like you probably think we will is not really fun, you know. Seriously, it's like people think our life is some kind of a shonen manga!" Lilinette huffed. "Honestly, it's as if no one watched School Days! Just how many idiots keep thinking that girls in a harem won't just shred you unless you literally enslaved them?"
Ophicus' heart comically shattered as her dream of watching a harem story was destroyed in front of her.
"And the woman who loves you?" she asked.
"We both are centuries old, not to mention; we are technically dead, so if we returned, our relationship would be a combination of necrophilia and pedophilia, more or less." Starrk stated.
"Also, I don't get it; WHY only THREE or NINE years pass when we 'return' there. Why can't the time on Elemental Nations' side go equally or even faster than our side? Are you afraid that whoever-who-loves-us would have already turned to dust? And really, all of them keep loving us no matter what? Yeah, it's sad but it's not the end of their world, or something." Lilinette questioned.
"Not to mention, it's a waste of time. Why not just use your powers, obeliterate Madara, Kaguya, or whoever and be done with it? It's much simpler and less complex. And it doesn't require such a ridiculous plan either." Starrk pointed out to her.
Ophicus crouched in despair while a black cloud started raining directly above her head.
The 'dead' duo looked at her, then shrugged, going to one of the many portals of the multiverse. They chose a dimension where the temperature was nice, to get their much needed 'retiring vacation', leaving a trillion-old existance alone.
"Yeah, this is me making fun of the 'Naruto is a not-Naruto character who is really Naruto and returns to kick ass and save damsels' cliche. Oh, and on a side note, a good amount of them have the 'my princess confesses to me five minutes before my death' cliche, which is stupid as hell." the avatar stated.
"And now, the opposite will be seen."
Mundane solution
Uzumaki Naruto, the child of prophecy, looked at the area he is in.
He was returned to this world after being unjustly killed and tortured by konoha to fix this world from the mistakes and take care of the 'glitches in the system'.
He was blessed by Ophicus and her sibilings to have enough power to do so.
"Let's start now, quickly and effectively."
Naruto first teleported to Konoha with one of his abilities, and stood on the air few kilometers above the village. Created a power blast that destroyed everyone there, teleported to Ame, where the Akatsuki was, eradicated all the members in like, 10 minutes, then he used the Infinite Tsukuyomi thanks to the Rinnean, erased the existance of chakra from the people's mind all around the world as well every corporeal evidence of it's existance by his army of billions of clones all over the world.
All of this, in the matter of hours.
After everything was finished, he Tsukuyomi'ed himself to forget the existance of his powers, destiny, along with sealing all his chakra and said abilities.
And life kept going, after he woke from his confusion.
"I swear, it's like authors want and try too hard to allow their 'OP Naruto' story to be longer than THIS omake!" Illusion laughed.
"Then again, if Naruto were even remotely as pragmatic as he should the story would have already ended in the first chapter, in less than a day."
Hyuugas
In another world, Hyuga Neji would have been angry, he would have been frustrated and spiteful at the Main branch of his clan.
This isn't an omake that's talking about that.
In this omake, Neji was content.
Because that Canon doctor who helped give birth to his father and uncle did the impossible and managed to get Hizashi get out first from the twins' mother.
So in this timeline, It was Neji who was the heir to the Hyuuga clan.
Hinata was sent to the Branch family, where she was left unbothered by the Main family as she was too passive to make a scene while Neji became renown as the prodigy heir of the Hyuuga.
And everyone was happy for that.
Except Hinata as she couldn't get her chance to marry Naruto as she was WAY too passive as she forfeited her match in the Chunin Exams against Neji, and all those 'needless' fillers to have Naruto spend time with her didn't happen, and the fact that Ino who survived used common sense and brought help so they were capable of saving Naruto and defeating Pain without letting Kurama take control. Although that was a one hell of a struggle.
Well, that's the end of this omake, this writer guesses?
"Well, it's very clear what's this about. I never understand why people need to make a drama out of Hinata's life while all of that would have been avoided just by having Neji become the actual heir by making his father get born first. That would have made Neji's life less angsty and stop if not lessen his 'fate rules everything' mentality."
Uchiha Massacre: What should have happened
"You're kidding, aren't you?" Itachi asked raising an eyebrow, looking at the four other occupants in the hokage's office.
Danzo, Hizuren, Homura and Koharu.
"Sadly, we aren't." Danzo stated, getting nods from his teammates and rival.
...
"So... let me get this straight." Itachi started in a deadpan tone "I am required to kill my whole clan."
Four nods.
"ALL of it, including the old, the females, and children."
More nods
"Even babies."
Even more nods.
"And that's after Danzo here..." pointing to said person "killed Shisui so the option of peacefully negotiating gets destroyed."
"Couldn't ignore the chance that Shisui might turn into a traitor or the clan finding out about our plans and causing a civil war." Danzo defended.
Which wasn't a bad reason, all things considered, but that's besides the point.
"And I have to do so, alone?"
Nods, again.
"So... to sum up the whole situation; I have to kill my WHOLE clan, regardless of who they are or how innocent or guilty they are."
"As harsh this is, yes" Hizuren said.
"And this is AFTER the village shunned the clan for supposedly causing the kyuubi attack?"
"Yes" Homura stated hoping the situation doesn't get anymore non-sensial.
...
Silence kept going for a few seconds.
Itachi then sighed.
"There's no other option, huh?"
He sounded defeated.
"No, there isn't." Koharu stated.
Itachi quickly looked at the group, and in a few seconds, the four were on the ground unconscious.
Itachi deactivated his mangekyo, breathing with a little difficulty.
'Morons, the four of them' he thought 'all what the clan wanted was getting more respect, massacring them all by myself is not only plain suicidal as the tension is high in the clan, but many members aren't dumb and can easily fight me face-to-face and even put me in a disadvantageous situation, not to mention that my little brother Sasuke will be devastated and letting him in a village that can easily discard him when he becomes too powerful or useless is not something I WILL allow.'
He quickly slit their throats, and ran away stealthily, acting as if nothing happened.
No one blamed the Uchiha, nor did they blame Naruto, as it was dumb and stupid as hell.
Itachi became the hokage after a good amount of genjutsu using, logic, and showing off some superb skills.
The Uchiha didn't commit the coup as they had already gained the respect they wanted and deserved.
And konoha thrived thanks to that.
"Yeah, it was a very possible outcome, all things considered." Illusion chuckled.
"Without Obito, or actually, even with his help, the mssacre had a very high chance of failing; there were simply too many of the clan who had very high experiences as ninjas, not to mention, there is no doubt that there are more of the Uchiha other than Sishui and Itachi that had the mangekyo; the massacre was such a gamble where the odds of it working were very slim considering the power of individuals in the clan along with their skills and possible teamwork, yeah, Itachi and Obito should have been creamed by some of the older generation members."
"And on a more emotional and familial note, if Itachi loved Sasuke THAT much, he would have rather killed the masterminds of the uchiha genocide operation, hide the whole thing, and let life keep going. As far as I am concerned, the Itachi in the first series is not the same one as in Shippuden."
Kumo Incident: what actually happened
"You're kidding, right?" Hizashi looked at his brother and the elders.
The serious looks he got sent the message; no they aren't.
"Sadly, kumo will raise hell if we don't." one of the elders stated.
"What I don't get is; why ME?" Hizashi asked.
"They asked to give them the head of the one who killed the ambassador, and as you are my twin, you have to go." Hiashi stated.
"But this makes no sense though; if I was sent, then you have to put my brother in my place, give him the cursed seal to trick our enemies, so it really means nothing wether it's me or not."
The others spluttered at his point.
"Th-this is nonsense!" one elder screamed.
"Also, how is this even necessary? Unless kumo knows who actually killed their ambassador, anyone can work as a sacrifice."
"Now, now, stop being ridiculous." a calm elder tried to placate Hizashi.
"Not to mention, you guys don't really expect a bunch of outsiders to know every one of the clan, right? Just admit it, brother, you only went along with this because grandmother loves me mor- AAAGGHHHH!" Hizashi's statement got cut as he screamed from pain as his cursed seal was activated by Hiashi.
He fell unconscious after half a minute.
"Make sure to tell Hizashi's son that his father died for the sake of konoha got it?" Hiashi ordered.
And, just like that, Hizashi was thrown to the wolves without getting a chance to talk to his son.
"Really, Hizashi's death was ultimately pointless and unnecessary, they could have simply killed one annoying elder after branding him with the seal, and given him to kumo and the Raikage and the rest won't be able to do anything." the Avatar started.
"And on a side note, I want a fic where it wasn't Hinata or even a female Hyuga that was about to be kidnapped, it's really sexist and stupid to think that only females are useful as breeding horses; if anything, males are actually a better choice as they can impregnate as much women as they can as long as they have sperm and are fertile, while females will need nine months to give birth to the baby and more time to rest themselves."
"But then again, it's really a hit-or-miss with the males as the kidnapped one could be sterile, so it's not that strange, we think?"
Anyone can survive
Sasuke looked at Danzo and Deidara, alive and kicking, after Deidara long exploded using his suicide technique, and after Danzo long used that weird explosive seal made on his body.
"How!?"
Those two should have been dead!
Deidara snorted, causing Sasuke to glare at him.
"Oh please, brat, remember how you survived against my suicide attack, hm? If I remember correctly, you survived by quickly summoning that bigass snake, using Mangekyo to brainwash him, have him devour and teleport you away in only a FRACTION OF A SECOND! And all of this when you were low on chakra, So if you, a rookie -skills and powers aside- were capable of this, why can't those older and more experienced pull this up, hm?"
Sasuke's eye twitched at the insane logic.
"And I was cheating death for a long time, boy; I lived for more than seventy years, as a shinobi where the normal life expectancy of ninja is 30 or so years." Danzo remarked.
"Now, let's fight brat! Don't worry though, you won't die. Just become a little bruised!" Deidara smirked.
And Sasuke had no choice.
"Quick question; if Sasuke, had managed to survive his battle against some of his enemies just by relying on a deus ex machina, what are the chances others can't have said cheat power?"
Harems: School Days Style
Naruto didn't want this to happen. He really didn't.
It was out of what he thought would happen.
It all started when he realized he had feelings to a kunoichi who he met at the war and kept in touch with her and started talking with her more as she was from his village.
And what started as a normal outing turned a little by little into dates.
And it ended up with the both becoming happier with each other until they decided to become lovers.
But apparently, a lot of the females had wanted to date him, females he didn't date as some of them were simply much older than him (kurenai and Anko), or he simply didn't like them that way anymore (Hinata and Sakura).
And it just snowballed from there as regardless of how gently he tried to reject them, their pride as 'cool' kunoichi doesn't allow them to give up.
Sadly for them, it ended up with them in a mental facility to fix whatever delusion they had before they went to the deep end.
But maybe it was a good thing?
"Again, they're kunoichis, not shallow girls having no problem to willingly degrading themselves and join a harem, either they'll give up or try to break them up creatively or become psychos."
X
X
The End.