Author's Note (Monster): Enjoy

Warning: This chapter mentions horrible things.

Danny's pov

My intentions were clear from the start. I wanted to get close with Funny Man no matter what. I'd always been like that. I was someone who knew what he wanted and someone who was willing to fight for what he wanted but now I was facing a wall. The moment Funny Man was willing to give himself to me, I took a step back and he fell forward. Metaphorically speaking. At a certain moment I just knew I was doing something wrong. He trusted me so much and he already fell in love with me. I couldn't break his heart, yet I did. I had to break it off before I could make it worse. I didn't deserve his love. I didn't even deserve to live, despite the words of all those therapists. My mind was a raging storm. You don't even deserve to cleanse my fucking toilet. I flinched. Not now. Now was the worst time possible for me to become selfish. I rolled up in a little ball, trying to disappear.

Sweet, you think I was being considerate of his feelings? No. I was being selfish once again. The reason I broke it off with him, was because he was forcing me to put myself out in the open. I can never see the light of day. At least, the thing inside of me can't.

I didn't sleep that night. My insomnia wasn't the cause.

Somehow I knew he was awake around 9 am, watching me out of the corner of his eyes. His eyes pried into my back but I couldn't handle confrontation right now. Not now, not ever. The guys were up already; I had heard them get up. Funny Man stayed in bed. I knew he did because his curtain was closed. I closed mine too and took out my phone. A contact flashed in front of my eyes. Should I…? No. Not now, not ever.

I pushed myself upright, ran a hand through my hair. "Funny?"

"Yes?"

The answer came immediately. Almost like he'd been waiting for me to say something. I grinned to myself but it quickly melted away. "I'm sorry for everything but I can't make myself vulnerable."

He yanked open my curtain. "Being honest and trusting someone is not about vulnerability."

"It is for me", I said icily. He held my gaze. "What in the world caused you to close yourself up like that? What happened to you?"

What happened to me? That was a question I asked myself a lot back then but now wasn't the time. The thought alone was disgusting enough. "I can't tell you. You wouldn't understand."

"Try me!" he shouted. "You didn't just get with me because you wanted to do me. If that was your only intention, you would've taken me already."

I took a deep breath. "I can't. I'm sorry."

He climbed up on my bunk and sat down in front of me. "I'm not leaving until you try to tell me. At least tell me what's going on."

Up till now, I'd been holding my breath so I exhaled before I thought of something to say. "I'm repulsed by submissiveness. I've got trust issues and the list goes on. I hate myself. I want to stab myself in the chest and die most of the times but I managed to keep it under control for quite some time now. I hate how weak I am and I hate everything about my personality, together with my body. I don't deserve love. I never will. Are you happy now? I can't start something with you when I'm battling myself for an eternity."

He was silent and I knew I had overshared but once I broke the dam, it would all flow out and I didn't want that to happen. Instead, I only scratched the surface of the dam.

"Why would you hate such a beauty like you? You're beautiful and hot. You've got your moments when you're really really nice but you have to stop acting so tough to hide your insecurity. It's not attractive", he said, mimicking my voice.

I wanted to smile but I didn't. Instead I sighed. "I can't change. My 'tough act' is not an act. It's a defense mechanism. It helps me…be safe."

"Safe for what? Is somebody trying to steal your virginity?"

I shut my eyes, shuddering slightly. He did. "I'm not a virgin."

"Me nei- Oh wait, I am and guess who's out to get my virginity? You!"

My lungs were burning as if they didn't know how to work anymore. I took rapid breaths and hid my face in my hand. Why did he have to go there? I was trying to take that precious something away from him. How could I try to do that while I knew how awful it was when someone took it away without your consent? Funny Man neared me on hand and knees. One hand reached out to my cheek. "Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"It's ok", I murmured. "Come here."

He lied down in my arms, back against my chest. I wrapped my arms around his waist and he held my hands, squeezing slightly. I leaned my chin on top of his head, my knees pulled up next to his figure. It was cramped up but it was something. I took a deep breath, my head still a raging storm. My voice was barely audible when I spoke but my black hole of a heart was screaming for me to trust him just this once, even though the void was laughing maniacally because he'd push me away if I told him.

"I met this guy when I was twenty. He was a friend of someone in Lorene Drive. He was four years older."

Funny Man squeezed my hand more tightly, not saying a word and I felt grateful. Telling him would be so much easier if he didn't face me. My stomach almost rolled over when I thought of what I was going to say.

"He and I went on a few dates and pretty soon we were a couple. The guys called us inseparable. We dated for a while and it was great."

I awaited his reaction, just to know he was still following my story. He turned his face upwards to see me. My eyes were averted but I could see he was listening. "He disappeared one day. I loved him so much and he loved me but he wasn't there anymore. I thought it was a joke."

"He bailed on you?"

I shut my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose before I held his hand again. Not even realizing I'd been squeezing his too tightly. "After six months, he came back to me. He was still the same guy I knew and he told me he just had to get away for a while to set his mind straight. I accepted him back but he changed. At times he'd be aggressive and he'd…"

Funny Man turned around and kissed my lips softly. "It's ok. You're here with me now."

"But he was so sweet in the end. His love was overwhelming and I became used to his outbursts, hard handling and violent behavior. One day he lied down next to me on the bed, hugging me and kissing me. I know it sounds stupid now but I was a virgin too back then. He wanted to go further but I shoved him off. He got angry and…"

I couldn't do this. A red sign flashed in my mind and I bit back a deep sob. The tears I'd been trying to hold back flowed freely over my cheeks. Funny Man sunk into my embrace, trying to show comfort but I felt so alone right there. "Don't say it."

"He…"

"Danny…"

My body was shaking violently and my voice was still just a whisper. Funny Man turned around and wrapped his arms around my shoulder. "Calm down. You have to calm down, you're in shock."

I clenched my fists. "I'm just cold."

"You weren't cold a few seconds ago so you're not cold. You have to calm down."

My fists relaxed. "I was stupid enough to continue our relationship. I loved him. He loved me too, I told myself. One day he disappeared again. As much as I hated the abuse and the excuses, it hurt even more when he disappeared again. It took him another six months to return. By now he wasn't even lovingly anymore. He threw insults at my head, telling me I was a weak dog. He treated me like a pet, touched me when he found it appropriate. It was a habit by then. I was reduced to a pile of shit to him and the worst of all; I still loved him."

As much as I hated to talk about it, I was the one who started the confession and I was going to finish right there and then too. I took another deep breath. "I was in that hell for five years, counting the six months of disappearance every time too. He kept going away and every time he came back, he got worse. In the end he beat me up so bad, I was in the hospital with a few broken bones. It took me half a year to recover physically. I went thro-…"

My breath hitched and I swallowed the biggest lump in my throat. "I'm sorry. I… My heart is beating like crazy."

Funny Man reassuringly caressed my hair. It felt great. His gaze held empathy but no pity. He didn't pity me. He felt my pain and he understood. "I went through a shitload of therapy and nothing's worked so far. I've been in touch with my therapist for three years now and I still call him often. He's been helping me through this and I've build up this wall to protect me. I just. I can't trust anyone again. I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve to live. He should've killed me."

Funny Man slapped me in the face and I winced. "What the?!"

"Don't say such things! You deserve love more than anyone in the world. That asshole wasn't worthy your love. What happened to that piece of shit anyway?"

"He was convicted for attempted murder and domestic violence due to my wounds", I said, my voice very small and weak. "I just. I don't want to feel submissive anymore. He was always the dominant figure in my life so I wanna be in control of what's going on from now on."

Funny Man hugged me. "I'm just so happy you turned out to be fine. Don't give me this insecure crap. I'd never do anything like that to you. You deserve all of the love in the world!"

I choked out a chuckle, my eyes were burning because of the tears. "I don't want to get up today."

"We don't have to", Funny Man hushed me and kissed my lips. "I love you."

I wiped my tears off on my sleeve. "Oh God, my body aches because I dug into such a dark hole."

"I don't want to be an asshole here but…are you un-doing the break up?"

His eyes were begging me to say yes but my mind was a raging storm. "Can I think about that for today? My mind is kinda messed up right now."

"Yeah, sure! I just thought you must really like me if you trust me with such a big secret. Who knows about it anyway?" he asked.

"No one", I said. "Just you."

A smile appeared on his face and he took me into a hug again. "I'll take it to my grave."

I chuckled and squeezed him tightly. He bent down to kiss me again and I believe I felt a small spark between us. Now we had to wait until the void inside of me would eat it.

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