George Town, Cayman Islands
"Doesn't this feel good?" sitting up to take a sip of her drink, Sue Ellen surveyed their surroundings, her eyes moving from the white sand stretching the length of the beach to the clear blue water sparkling in the bright sunlight, then back to her immediate surroundings when JR lifted his head to look at her and respond.
"Mhm, a weight off my shoulders. Our boy will never want for anything", misunderstanding her, JR referred to their earlier business, business they were both pleased to have settled, her because it meant they could enjoy some vacation time, even just for a short period, and him because he was a doer and when he had an idea he liked to make it happen.
"I meant relaxing on the beach", light-heartedly correcting him, she still appreciated his comments, his commitment to their family was comforting and attractive to her and she liked to hear him say what he was thinking.
"Oh, that too", brushing off his own obliviousness, JR laughed with a coolness that told her although he'd misinterpreted her comments, he wasn't bothered or embarrassed.
"Sure", giving him a jestingly sceptical look, she smirked as they locked eyes, sharing the moment before their attention was pulled away by the well-timed delivery of more drinks to replace their almost empty glasses.
Thanking the beach club attendant, she took a sip of her fresh drink before acknowledging JR's earlier point, "you're right though, I'm glad we did this for our family".
"So am I", sitting up, JR adjusted the back of his sun lounger to move from lying down. "Speaking of our family, John Ross' birthday is coming up soon", appearing physically distracted by the task of getting his seating position just right, his comment caught her off-guard, as did the rest of what he had to say, "do you remember what we talked about a while back, about our family and timing?" He might have looked distracted, but his words told her he was anything but; he had something on his mind and it had nothing to do with how high or low the back of his seat was.
Speechless, she knew exactly what he was referencing, she was just surprised he'd decided now was the time to return to that conversation. "About opening the discussion again after John Ross' birthday?" turning so she was facing him completely, she outlined the topic of their delayed conversation.
"That's the one", looking to be happy with his seating arrangement, JR finally met her eye, smiling encouragingly which told her he wasn't trying to upset her with his surprise change of subject.
"I remember", unsure what else to say, she confirmed they were on the same page in general, though beyond that she couldn't say yet.
"Do you have any particular feelings one way or another?" casual in tone, he managed to sound as if he wasn't asking a heavy question, but mentally going over it, he absolutely was.
Considering how to tell him about how she really felt, she opted to go the long route, answering the question but throwing something else into the mix too to buy her a little time to think. "I do, but I haven't really spent much time thinking about it in real terms. Every conversation I've had about children recently has been in regards to Bobby and Pamela, not us".
"I hope you're not encouraging that sister-in-law of ours to move too quickly", taking the bait she'd laid, JR shifted gears, reiterating again how he felt about Bobby and Pam, which she already knew but listened to and reassured him about anyway.
"I don't think you have anything to worry about. If anything Bobby is the one that wants children, not Pam, and even then, I don't think Bobby will get what he wants this time, not yet anyway", happy enough to talk about her brother-in-law and sister-in-law's marriage, she hoped she wasn't setting herself up for failure when she revealed her own feelings to JR. She had an idea of where he fell on the issue of more children, but he'd brought it up again now so she had to wonder whether he was getting ready to tell her he'd changed his mind.
"That Barnes girl can be stubborn when she wants to be, but in this case maybe it's for the best", scoffing, JR's opinion was one that had almost nothing to do with his brother and was more about disparaging his sister-in-law's perspective, which wasn't nice, but was somewhat of a relief. If he was sticking to his predictable line of thought then he clearly didn't have much else to say about the situation. Pam not wanting children was convenient for him as although he could deal with her presence he wasn't much fond of the idea of her cementing herself as a permanent family member by producing Ewing children.
"Ewings can be that way", reminding him stubbornness was not limited to other people, she had to laugh at his muttered "Ewings…" in response; he was every bit as stubborn as he claimed Pam was, he just didn't see it.
"Yes, Ewings. Speaking of, you asked me what I was thinking about more children but you didn't tell me what you're thinking", directing their conversation away from Bobby and Pam, she circled back to the original question, fishing for his thoughts before she dropped hers on him.
"I can't say I'm clear on when you answered my question, but since you asked the same of me, I'll tell you how I feel. Before I do, just know I haven't thought much about it either, it's really just this trip made me consider our family, so please hear me out, ok?" Noting her avoidance of the question, JR seemed more concerned about her reaction to his thoughts than anything else, which instilled little confidence in her that they were on the same page.
"I'll try, go on", agreeing, she had a nervous interest in what he had to say. He was either ready to have more children and sensed she wasn't ready and thought perhaps that would cause an argument, or he was the complete opposite and wanted nothing to do with more children and was concerned about her accepting that fate. The truth was, neither option sounded good to her; she was still very much unsure about what she wanted and it frightened her to think she might have to make a decision now because he had.
"Well, you know I never much cared for growing up with brothers and I know having Kristin come along wasn't the happiest time for you, so from the perspective of children, siblings aren't all they're cracked up to be. With that being said, we're doing our best with John Ross, deliberately raising him differently to how we were and I think it's going well, so part of me is confident and thinks we should do it all again a second time, but another part of me thinks why ruin a good thing?" Telling her how he felt, JR's honesty provided more relief to her than he'd ever know.
"You're undecided then?" deducing that they were in fact closer in opinion than he seemed to think, she asked him to clarify only to make sure she didn't have him wrong. He liked the idea of having a second child, but didn't like the uncertainty that came with it, the uncertainty that was replicating their first and present positive experience.
Picking up his glass, he took a drink, considering her question for a few seconds before nodding and answering, "yeah, I think that's a good description".
Reaching out to touch him, she was deliberately gentle in the tone she used to respond, "I understand. I might not see the situation the same way you do but I think we're in the same boat". It was true, she saw where he was coming from and shared some of his reservations, but her reasons for hesitating to move forward weren't exactly the same as his.
"Care to explain where you stand?" patting her hand, he looked to her for the answer he'd been seeking since they'd first started discussing the issue and now that he'd shared his concerns, she felt more comfortable sharing hers.
"I'll try", agreeing, she took a few seconds to compose her thoughts before doing her best to explain herself. "I love John Ross and I think being parents has only made our family unit stronger, but I don't know if I'm ready to start the whole process again. You know our history, how hard it was to deal with the expectation we'd have a baby soon, the disappointment when it didn't happen quickly, and the emotional toll the whole pregnancy took on me regarding whether I'd fulfil the expectation that I was carrying John Ross Ewing III and not another Lucy Ewing. I don't think I felt completely secure in being a mother until John Ross was in my arms". Reminding him how difficult the road to bringing John Ross into the world had been, she paused for a moment to catch her breath and collect her thoughts before resuming.
"I know a second baby would be different, there's automatically less expectation to deal with since we already have John Ross and I'm much more confident in my ability to be different and do better than my own mother did, my hesitation is really connected to the highs and lows of trying to have another baby. I have John Ross to think about now and I don't want my instability to affect him, so if I can prevent myself from experiencing the ups and downs for a little longer than I think I should". Covering the main points, she thought she'd done a reasonable job of voicing her thoughts. The fact was, they had John Ross to think about now and he needed stability, not a mother who was in a constant cycle of hope and despair, which she knew she would fall into if the process took anywhere near the length of time it had the first time.
Listening patiently, JR was quiet for what felt like a long time after she finished speaking, making her worry that she'd said something wrong and he was upset but proving her wrong when he did eventually respond. "I'm sorry, I didn't realise the experience still haunted you that much. I think that settles it, I'm not in any rush and I see no reason to push you when you're clearly not ready, so we'll wait until you're ready".
Hearing his reassurance, she was initially relieved, though when she thought about his words closer she had to know, "what if I'm never ready?" There was a chance that that would be the case, that even when John Ross was older she still might not feel prepared try again, not because of how it would affect John Ross, but because of how it would make her feel, especially if she was older and her age put her at a disadvantage rather than an advantage.
"What do you say we stick to our original plan and don't worry about that yet? What's that thing the doc always says? It's hard to enjoy the present if the future is always on your mind?" not committing to any particular answer, JR did his best to reassure her otherwise. It made sense why he couldn't say one way or the other, for now he was satisfied with waiting, but there was a part of him that thought it might be nice to have another child and he couldn't commit to not doing so just yet, especially when she wasn't asking him to.
"Something like that. I think you're right, we'll wait and see and talk about it when the time comes. Besides, it could just happen and one day I might feel ready, I have been known to change my mind about things", self-aware, she knew she couldn't promise the answer would be yes when they did revisit it, but there was no harm in waiting and seeing where the future took them.
"Whatever our family looks like, we'll always be provided for, I've made sure of that", taking the conversation back to their starting point, he reminded her that John Ross would always have something to fall back on, as would any future children they may have, but one wasn't dependent on the other and neither was the validity of their family.
"And that's part of the reason I love you", leaning over to kiss him, she felt better. Eventually they'd have to deal with the issue, but they didn't have to make any big decisions now, they had time and they were already living a good life, so instead of letting uncertainty ruin things for them, they could choose to delay the decision until a later date and enjoy the present.
To be continued…