A/N: Thanks as always to all the readers, reviewers, favouriters and alerters for all of your support. Also I will be getting to review replies soon! Trust me when I say I read and re-read them over and over. They make me smile/laugh like crazy.
You were conceived next to a Tortoise Enclosure
Sold!
What Zinan had said about wishing for a dog at Christmas had been true. He remembered it like it was yesterday. It had been one of those bitingly cold winters where it should have snowed but instead left the air with a constipated feeling. Mama had been sleeping a lot the last few months, in her bed, on the couch, on the living room floor, and sometimes even while standing up, and papa was working all the time to ensure they could get some presents for Christmas. Zinan didn't know a lot of things back then. Like reading; he didn't know what was so great about reading but he had to admit the pictures were nice. He also didn't know why mama had been so grumpy lately but she still gave him the best cuddles at night so he forgave her. And there was that whole thing about not wearing diapers anymore which was just really stupid and annoying and made him want to pee everywhere out of spite. But there were some things he did know, things you couldn't hide from a child no matter how hard you tried to smile and play brave. Children are cleverer than we give them credit for. So Zinan did know his parents worked very hard and he also knew that he probably wouldn't be getting any nice presents that year.
The night before Christmas, while papa was still out at the factory and mama had fallen asleep watching her soaps on the couch, Zinan crawled out of the bunk bed he shared with his older brother Ichi and climbed onto his near empty toy chest to look out of the window. Back then they lived in a block of high rise flats and they happened to be on one of the uppermost levels so when he looked out at the cold night sky he could see everything. Pale wreathes of frost swirled in the black sky and all the stars in the world shone as though they were waving and smiling at him. He smiled back. Then, putting his hands together like he had seen all those wonderful movies where nice things always happened to good people and happy endings were nature's way of saying sorry we gave you such a hard time, he prayed.
First, he prayed for papa to not have to work so hard.
Second, he prayed for mama to stop feeling so tired all the time.
Third he prayed for Ichi to stop wetting the bed because it always leaked through the mattress and dripped down onto him.
Fourth and finally he prayed for a dog. Because dogs made people happy. It was a universal truth. And he thought that a dog would give them their happy ending.
The next day when mama started screaming in the middle of opening presents Zinan was sure that he must have prayed wrong and began to fret. In the car on the way to the hospital papa told both he and Ichi, who was crying uncontrollably in his car seat, that it was all going to be okay and that they were going to go meet a new member of the family. Zinan didn't understand but he kept quiet and decided to wait and see. Waiting and seeing, mama often said, was a more exciting way of living life. Then again Zinan had noticed that this did not always work out, which was probably why their apartment had almost burned down when mama was waiting to see if the childhood friends from her favourite soap were finally going to confess their feelings to each other while her cookies turned black in the oven.
After a few hours in the hospital waiting room with their grandparents, papa finally came out holding a small crying thing covered in blankets. Zinan's eyes went wide.
"It's a dog, it's a dog, it's a dog!" he started screaming, jumping up and down in his chair.
Everyone had stared at him in utter shock until Ichi did the sensible thing and punched him in the stomach. When he got back up, papa sat down next to him and let him see the thing in his arms.
"This is Kame," said papa, his face, which was usually grim and tired, shining with sunbeams. "This is your little sister."
"I wanna hold it," said Zinan, hands clenching and unclenching as he reached for her.
After he had made sure Zinan was sitting properly papa placed the baby into his little arms. The baby had curly black hair and dark eyes and as soon as she was in Zinan's arms she stopped crying.
"It's a dog."
"It's your little sister."
"It's a dog," insisted Zinan, gently patting the baby's face.
"No-"
"It's a dog."
"Zin-"
"Dog, dog, dog."
Papa had stared at him. "Do you like her?"
"Yeah," said Zinan, grinning a gapped toothed smile at papa.
"Okay, it's a dog."
After that, Zinan and Kame became inseparable. Or rather, you could not separate Zinan from Kame otherwise he would bite you because Kame was a dog and she was his sister which meant he was a dog too. It got very complicated for a while there, thankfully mama's mantra of wait and see proved successful in this instance and eventually Zinan realised that both he and Kame were human. Unfortunately, it was also around the same time Kame started to realise that she wasn't as tall, or as clever, or as well-liked as her brothers and for the best part of ten years now they had been waiting and seeing.
Zinan dragged Kame by the scruff of her collar towards the portable toilets that had been set up for visitors as she chanted in a monotone.
"Zii-nii is a peepee, Zii-nii is a peepee, Zii-nii is a peepee."
"Haha," said Ichiro, "that's funny. Is it new?"
"I just made it up," said Kame. "Zii-nii is a peepee…"
"Haha, yeah, I like that," said Ichiro. "Zii-nii is a peepee. Do me."
"Ichi-nii is a BLEEPING BLEEP with a side of BLEEP and a serving of BLEEPETY BLEEP."
"That didn't rhyme," said Ichiro.
"My bad."
When they finally arrived, Papa was banging on one of the cubicle doors while Mama smiled pacifyingly at concerned onlookers. Upon seeing his big sister Number Five immediately squealed and launched himself out of his mother's arms, doing a strange belly crawl across the floor towards Kame. He didn't get very far before his mother picked him up again much to his frustration.
"Ka! Ka!"
"Hello, my lovelies," greeted Mama, struggling to keep hold of the oversized baby. "I'm so excited to see your performance, Kame-chan, and oh I love your little badge."
Kame scoffed, then polished the badge with her cardigan.
"As you can see your brother is still having trouble leaving the toilet," said Mama.
"Buro! You're causing a scene!" shouted Papa, banging the door so hard that it made a dent.
Zinan cringed. "It's times like these when I regret setting off fireworks in Buro's crib."
"You did what?" snapped Papa Tsukino, turning his demon face on his son.
Zinan raised his arms in surrender. "Hey, hey, hey, if anyone's to blame for his social anxiety it's Incredible Hulk-san."
"Are you trying to blame me?" barked Papa Tsukino.
"Yep," chorused the three siblings.
Mama Tsukino nodded warmly at her husband. "That's okay, Papa. We know that's how you show your love."
Papa Tsukino's face fell and he stared at his family. "This is my fault?"
"Yep," chorused the three siblings.
Papa turned slowly back to the cubicle and gave it a gentle knock. "Hey, Buro, is it my fault you're this way?"
There was silence from the other side of the door. Papa Tsukino's face crumpled.
"Papa's gonna cry," said Ichiro, grinning. "Love it when he cries."
"There's something seriously wrong with you," muttered Kame.
"What? He always gives us money after he cries."
Before their Papa could begin weeping their angel of a mother swooped over and guided him by the shoulder to a bench where she had a few words with him. When she came back there was a look on her face that reminded her three eldest children of a sad marshmallow.
"Kids," said Mama, shaking her head. "What do you have to say for yourselves?"
"Our sincerest apologies," said Zinan.
"I regret nothing," said Kame.
"Haha, still looks like he's gonna cry," said Ichiro.
Mama Tsukino's gaze lingered a moment on her eldest son. She was sure he had a soul. She just didn't know where he was hiding it. "Kame-chan, could you please get your little brother out of the cubicle?"
Begrudgingly, Kame went over and started picking the lock. A deep groan emanated from inside and there was a thud as Saburo attempted to barricade the door. He must have forgotten that the door opened outwards because as soon as Kame stepped aside it swung open and he came rolling out headfirst. Before he could zip into another cubicle, Kame leapt on top of him, wrestled him to the ground and whispered something in his ear. Allowing himself to be pulled to his feet, he returned to his family.
"Are you feeling better, Buro-chan?" asked Mama Tsukino.
Buro caught his sister's eye and quickly nodded his head.
"Excellent. Shall we go?" said Mama Tsukino, sunbeams shooting out of her face. She waved to her husband who stomped over, the usual stern look back on his face much to Ichiro's disappointment, and as one family the seven of them headed off to explore the festival.
It was an unusual experience going around the Teiko Festival as a family. When was the last time they had been together like this, wondered Zinan, watching his sister sulk from the corner of his eye. Number Five had proven to be too persistent in his escape attempts and Kame had relented in letting him ride on her shoulders. Further ahead, Ichiro was talking to Papa, at first with the intention of making him cry but then having caught the warm, but dangerous look of their mother, about gardening. Mama was walking beside her daughter trying to engage her in conversation about her upcoming performance but Kame had resolved to give only one-word answers.
They passed by a ring toss stall where the prize was a large pink unicorn and Number Five immediately went wild, pulling on Kame's curls like they were reigns.
"Oh, it looks like your little brother wants you to get that unicorn for him," said Mama, clapping her hands together.
"I'll do it," said Ichiro, moving towards the stall. But Kame had shot passed him, a determined look on her face. "Your aim sucks, Kame."
Silently she slapped down a few bills, which she had most likely stolen from one of her friends' wallets. The first-year student who was running the stall almost tripped over herself to grab the rings for Teiko's most feared delinquent.
"You're just wasting your money," said Zinan, sighing.
"Shhhh, let your sister have a go," said Mama.
Kame tossed the first ring; it missed the bottle neck.
The first-year clawed at her face.
Kame tossed the second ring; it missed the bottle neck.
The first-year ducked under the counter.
And finally, Kame tossed the third ring. It bounced off the wall and landed back on the counter.
Silence fell over the stall except for the first year praying furiously in the corner. Mama walked over to her daughter and placed a hand on her shoulder but she was shrugged off. A few minutes later, Ichiro came away from the stall, pink unicorn in hand.
"Who do you love the most now?" Ichiro asked his baby brother.
Number five loyally clung onto his sister's head. Kame smirked.
"Your aim still sucks."
Kame went for him but this time Papa held her back.
"Just face it, Almighty Midget Child, you'll never be as good as us," said Zinan. "Anyway, it looks like it's time for the Demon of the First-String to make its appearance."
"Let's go, Kame," said her father, holding up his camcorder in what he probably thought was a reassuring gesture, except it came off more threatening. "This'll be fun."
The Tsukino family frogmarched her over to the staging area in the middle of the main playground where everything was being setup. All of the dancers seemed to shrink back as Kame approached, not realising that they were in the presence of their main attraction. Passing back her baby brother, who immediately began to cry, Kame disappeared into the backstage area without so much as a glance at her family.
"Zi-chan, Chiro-chan, you know how much I love you," said Mama, gazing up at the stage with an adoring smile as they waited for the performance to begin. "But if either of you ruin this for your sister, you'll regret it."
Zinan gulped. Ichiro's grin disappeared.
"Ka!" shouted their youngest brother. "Ka, Ka!"
At the end of the performance, Zinan had to admit he was impressed. Up until now their little sister had scorned sports to the point that their family had to lock her in her attic room any time they wanted to watch a game of basketball on the telly. In fact the only kind of teamwork she was used to was when she would plot something dastardly with Kuroko. Like the time they covered the brothers' room from top to bottom in mayonnaise. Kame had spent a week hiding in Homebase and when she finally returned, Mama and Papa had to hover around her for months for fear of having her show up not so mysteriously murdered. So it was a pleasant surprise when she managed to perform all six dance routines without tying anyone's shoe laces together, cutting anyone's hair or simply setting fire to the stage.
"I'm so proud of Kame-chan," said Mama, cupping her cheeks.
"The nuns will be pleased to hear about her progress," said Papa.
"You gonna cry dad?" Ichiro asked hopefully.
"Ka! Ka!" shouted Number Five.
Saburo gazed longingly in the direction of the toilets.
"Should we go and say hi to her," asked Mama, "or would that embarrass her?"
"That would totally embarrass her," said Ichiro. "Let's do it."
Zinan clapped a hand over his brother's shoulder and gave him a meaningful look. "Remember, Mama, Kame doesn't want anyone to know that she's the demon. Why don't you and papa go explore and we'll head over with Kame when she's finished signing autographs."
Mama Tsukino was not an idiot. Mama Tsukino had been there at the very start when Zinan had told his very first lie. It had been to his grandfather about how Ichiro's golden retriever, Samsam-san had dug up his prized hydrangeas. Of course, Ichiro did not have a golden retriever. An hour, their grandfather was still searching for the three-legged dog with the glittery red collar which Zinan had so thoroughly described, when Mama had caught wind of what was going on and dragged her son kicking and screaming by the dirt encrusted fingernails to apologise. And while none of them wanted to admit it, Mama Tsukino knew her children. And she knew at that moment that Zinan meant what he said.
"I'm trusting you not to give your sister a hard time today," said Mama. She really didn't like to get involved in their squabbles, but sometimes it was unfair not to take Kame's side when you considered the sheer size and idiocy of her brothers. "This is her big day, boys. If I hear about any foul play, I'll be very upset."
"And then I'll be very upset," said Papa.
"Upset enough to cry?" Ichiro asked hopefully.
Before their father could double in size, Zinan stepped between them. "We'll be good," he assured them. "You guys go ahead. Enjoy yourselves."
After they left, Ichiro and Zinan found a spot in the shade where they could monitor their little sister. A good thirty minutes past before they started to notice that something wasn't quite right.
"Ichi-nii, do you-"
"Yeah, I see it," said Ichiro, brow creased.
They stared at the demon as it hopped from leg to leg entertaining a group of small children.
Zinan lined his thumb up with the demon and screwed one eye shut. "Shit," he muttered. "How did we not see it?"
The two brothers walked at a measured pace towards the demon who paused from his little dance as they neared it, tilting its head to one side.
"Demon-san," said Zinan, smiling prettily for the sake of the young children. "Could we have a word?"
The demon shook its head.
"C'mon, Demon-san," said Ichiro, throwing his arm around the much shorter but not quite short enough shoulders. "Be a good sport."
"Don't worry kids," Zinan called back to the disappointed children, "the demon will return after these short messages."
Behind the stage, Ichiro threw the demon up against the fence. Luckily, or unluckily depending on whose side you were on, most of dancers had left and there was no one around to see the shakedown that was currently taking place.
"Okay, I don't know what you're playing at, but you better tell us where Kame is right now," said Zinan, wrenching the mascot head off, "Tetsu."
Spiky blue hair sticking up in all directions like a super Saiyan, Kuroko stared apathetically at the two brothers.
"When I told you two to make up, I didn't think you would do it this quickly," said Ichiro.
"Even Ichiro-san isn't stupid enough to think that Kame-san and I only just made up," said Kuroko. There was a pause. "I take it back. Yes he is."
"Oh right," said Ichiro. "Well, tell us where Kame is or I'll give you a wedgie."
"Wait, Ichi-nii, don't you think wedgies are so last season?" asked Zinan. "We need something more fresh."
"But wedgies are timeless," said Ichiro.
"I hear what you're saying… but what if we hang him from a window by his underwear, thus combining the wedgie with sheer public humiliation," said Zinan, raising his hands in a frame like he was trying to capture a picture. "Just imagine it."
"Yeah, haha, he'd look so stupid hanging from his underwear. You still wear those rubber ducky boxers Kame got you for Christmas?"
"What do you say, Tetsu?"
"You two don't scare me," said Kuroko, face blank.
The brothers exchanged glances. Of course, they didn't scare him. They never scared him. No matter the litany of punishments the brothers rained down on Kuroko, he never reacted. Not even when they held him upside down over an ant hill and threatened to use his head as a shovel if he didn't reveal the whereabouts of their first-place trophies, which incidentally, Kame had buried beneath the anthill. And he hadn't let out so much as a squeak when they jumped out of his closet dressed as killer clowns, although in fairness to them they had been the ones traumatised that day. Really should have jumped out earlier. The man was a mental fortress made of steel and the only weakness he seemed to have was currently AWOL. Still, it was a weakness.
"Lets it put it this way, Tetsu, if you don't tell us where your beloved best friend has gotten to, we'll be forced to tell everyone that she's the demon," said Zinan, his beatific smile triumphant.
"That will be hard to prove considering I'm the one wearing the costume right now," said Kuroko.
"Come on Tetsu, tell us," said Ichiro. "I'll give you a cookie."
"You don't have a cookie."
"Damn, he got me."
"Honestly, I'm surprised you two aren't more worried right now," said Kuroko. "After all is the first time no one's been at home in over six months."
They shared a look. There was only one other time in their lives when they had a feeling like this. A feeling of utter dread. It was shortly after a three-year-old Kame had come back from nursery one afternoon hand-in-hand with a chubby little blue haired boy and announced that she had a new best friend. Except she didn't know the word for best friend at the time, so she just said 'Minion, minion, minion' over and over again. It was just like that. A moment they knew would change their lives forever.
"Kame's not going to leave her bestie behind while she goes and destroys our stuff. Not when she knows what we'll do to you," said Ichiro, cracking his knuckles. "So shall we hang you out of a window or just shove your head in the toilet. Personally, I would like to do both."
"Plus she's still got the auction," said Zinan. "There's no way she would make it back in time."
"Are you sure about that?" a voice called above them.
Sat squat at the edge of the stage's corrugated roof, a grinning monstrosity leered down at them, it's great white teeth beaming out from the shadows. Ichiro hooked his arm around Kuroko's neck and held him tightly in front of him as a human shield.
"Make one wrong move and the glitter eater gets it," said Ichiro.
Zinan let out a sigh of relief. "And for a second there I thought you actually had a plan," he said. "Was it all worth it? An hour of freedom so you could run around the festival for a bit? What? You attack the Model Architects Society again, is that it? You really need to let go of that grudge, little sister."
"Forty minutes," said Kame, leaping down in front of them. Zinan's eyes widened in horror as he noticed what was hanging round her neck. "I was gone for forty minutes. Five minutes there. five minutes back. Thirty minutes alone in your room."
"Hah, please, there's no way you can do the journey in five minutes. It takes me at least ten to make that run," said Ichiro. He looked at Zinan. "There's no way she could do it, right?"
"Is that-"
Kame untied the limited-edition basketball trainers from around her neck and held one in each hand. "Yes."
"So you stole my Green Vipers," said Zinan, trying maintain his composure. "Congratu-"
Kame began spinning the trainers in each hand, raising them above her head. The words died in Zinan's throat. "So what was that you were saying about hanging Tetsuya from his underwear."
"Haha," Zinan laughed nervously. "That was just two old friends joking around-"
"And about telling everyone I was the demon?"
"Playful banter of course. We…we would never do something like that."
"Right, right, you're saints," said Kame. "Hey Ichi-nii, you wanna let go of Tetsuya now, since it's all just playful banter."
Zinan shot Ichiro a look and he immediately released the blue-haired boy. Kuroko darted behind her.
"So, sister, what are you planning to do with my-my Green Vipers?" asked Zinan in the most pleasant voice he could muster.
"Use them as a distraction."
Then she launched the trainers in opposite directions. One went over the fence behind the staging area, hooking expertly around a tree branch, and the other landed somewhere in the throng of stalls. To Zinan's horror one of the stalls just so happened to have both a cheese fondue machine and a deep fat fryer.
Before either of the brothers could react, Kame threw something to the ground. There was a bang. Smoke erupted between them. When it finally cleared the brothers found themselves alone.
"Let's go, Zi," said Ichiro, grabbing hold of his brother's shoulder. But he wouldn't budge. "Hey man, they're getting away."
"My limited edition Green Vipers," Zinan muttered to himself. "I spent two years saving up for them. Two years. The things I did to get them, Ichi-nii. I mean I-I-I-"
Ichiro slapped him hard round the face. "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF BROTHER!" he yelled, stifling his laughter with his hand.
Zinan held his stinging cheek in his hand. "You're right. You're right. We need to remain calm if we're going to get back at her."
"Good. You get the Vipers, I'll get the brats. Cool?"
Sniffing, Zinan nodded.
"Want me to slap you again?"
"No."
"You sure?"
"Ichi-nii-"
"Because I can if you want me to."
"Go for Tetsu first," said Zinan, pulling his ponytail tight. "That suits gonna be slowing him down. I'll get on Kame as soon I've found the Vipers."
"Be careful, dude, there was something different about her."
Zinan's face hardened with resolve. Then he turned and marched towards the cheese fondue fountain.
"THERE! OVER THERE!"
Having caught sight of a mop of curly black hair, the Tsukino brothers darted into the main hall where the auction was taking place.
So far, they'd had no luck in apprehending either Kuroko or Kame. At one point they thought they'd found Kuroko when they saw the mascot suit in 3-D's bouncy castle, but when they crawled inside to have a look the suit was empty. Then to their horror there was a loud POP and the bouncy castle began to deflate, trapping them both inside. Luckily, or unluckily depending on how sick your sense of humour is, the brothers had extensive experience in being smothered with plastic they were able to shimmy out before they suffocated and died.
The brothers were stumped. It seemed like no matter how fast they ran, no matter what obscure place they looked, Kame was always one step ahead. And even if Kame had gotten fast enough to do the run home in five minutes there was no way Kuroko could have kept outrunning them. Someone must have been helping them. But who? Kame wasn't the type to make friends.
Well the little brats used up all their luck. Now the brothers had her cornered in the hall and even with the size of the crowd and their mysterious benefactor there was nowhere else to run.
Up on the stage a redhaired boy was being auctioned off but Zinan was too busy hunting for his baby sister and her stone-faced accomplice to pay attention. When they brought out the next item however, Zinan froze.
"A ceremonial cooking pot, this piece was used in the fifteen hundreds to cook food for the high priestess of Shimsham and her acolytes before she gave her prophetic readings to the Emperor," said the auctioneer. He recognised the girl from somewhere but he couldn't place her. "Gifted to us today by Sakata Antiques, it can be used as both a decorative item or a functional cooking appliance. Let's start the bidding at ten thousand."
Zinan's hand shot up. "Fifteen thousand yen."
He had her now.
The rich redhead who had now joined the audience put his hand up also. "Twenty thousand yen."
Zinan shot him a frustrated look. "Twenty-five thousand!"
"Thirty thousand," said Akashi.
"Thirty-five thousand!"
"Forty thousand."
"Fifty thousand!"
"Fifty-five thousand."
Ichiro had pushed his way over and was whispering furiously in his ear. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Kame's in the pot," said Zinan.
Ichiro glanced at the pot and laughed. "Typical Kame. Remember that time she hid from us in the toilet bowl," he said. "Also, you better not be using my birthday money for this. Oi, Zi?"
"Yeah, yeah. We'll just have to make her pay us back- Sixty thousand!"
"Sixty-five thousand," said Akashi, checking his phone.
"Wow, he really wants that ugly pot," said Ichiro.
"Rich people," Zinan muttered darkly, then raised his hand. "Seventy thousand!"
Everyone held their breath. There was silence. Akashi pocketed his phone and said nothing.
"Going once," said Sakata, raising her gavel. "Going twice…"
Zinan and Ichiro cracked their knuckles.
"Sold!"
The crowd had dispersed. Only those who had bought items remained behind to collect them. The Tsukino brothers stood at the very end of the queue staring intently at the pot, making sure that nobody had a chance to obscure their view or tamper with it.
Zinan also caught sight of the basketball team standing off to the side watching them curiously and wondered if they had any part of today's mischief. From what he understood of Aomine though, he wasn't the type to get involved in Kame's pranks and according to Nijimura was in fact the only person who could take her down. Plus, Zinan knew Aomine pretty much worshipped him, so there was no danger there. Then there was Midorima who Kame had been complaining about since her first day of school. Straight-laced astrology nut who valued hard work above everything else, which meant he must have hated a delinquent slacker like Kame. There was no way he was going to compromise his place in the school to get revenge on a couple of people he didn't even know. The others Zinan didn't know well enough but that didn't matter. He knew his sister. And his sister was not in the habit of making friends, let alone convincing them to do her bidding.
They reached the front of the line and Zinan felt a shiver run up the back of his neck as he stared into the dark eyes of the auctioneer
"Pleasure to meet you. My name is-"
"Please give me your money," said the auctioneer, reaching out her hand.
Zinan reached into his back pocket and took out his wallet. Inside there were a few bills but he was short of the pledged amount.
"We take card," said the auctioneer, producing a card machine. "Place your card in the card machine and follow the instructions on the screen."
"Did they make you in factory?" asked Ichiro, leaning forward and peering closely at the girl's forehead.
"I assure you I was not made in Taiwan," said the girl.
"Uncanny. Are you a mind reader?" asked Ichiro.
"Yes. Please input your pin number."
Zinan passed the card machine back to the girl and winced as his payment was processed. Kame was definitely going to be paying them back. The auctioneer ripped off the receipt, which read 'NO REFUNDS' at the top and passed it to him. Then she directed him towards the pot at the back of the stage. It looked even shoddier up close.
"So I was thinking we should throw her in the river," Ichiro said loudly.
"Oh, but our sweet little sister can't swim," Zinan said just as loudly.
"We won't let her drown completely," Ichiro said, quietly sniggering behind his hand. "Just a little."
"But brother, what if the current carries her away?"
"Hah. Dibs on her quilt."
There was a noise from inside the pot and the brothers smirked at each other. It was the end of the line, thought Zinan, wrapping his fingers around the lid of the pot and heaving it off. She and Kuroko had had a good run but now they'd finally caught-
"Number Five," said Ichiro.
Number Five climbed up the side of the pot and beamed at his older brothers.
"Ka, Ka," shouted Number Five, reaching his arms up.
Ichiro lifted the baby out of the pot much to his displeasure while Zinan zipped around the backstage area looking for any sign of Kame or Kuroko. Raising the baby high in the air, Ichiro sniffed its butt.
"This baby has been changed recently. Kame couldn't have gone too far."
Zinan stared at him. "I'm not going to ask how you're able to ascertain the time between diaper changes just by sniffing, but I do want you to know that that is very weird, even for you."
Ichiro sniffed the butt again. "Ten minutes tops. Probably right before they wheeled the pot out."
"Oh, can you track the scent, boy?" Zinan asked dryly.
"No, I'd need a dirty diaper for that."
"How-" Zinan pinched the bridge of his nose. "Okay. Let's just get Number Five back to mama and papa."
"Ka, Ka!" shouted Number Five, crawling onto Ichiro's head.
Zinan shot a text off to their parents. They replied immediately, telling them to meet them in the field with all the main stalls. The brothers found a picnic bench by the Model Architect Society stall and waited for their parents to come and take Number Five. Just as they were about to give up and call to ask where they were, the no-nonsense auctioneer approached them, swim club tote bag hooked around her shoulder.
"Was there a problem with the payment?" asked Zinan, feeling that familiar sense of dread resurface as he stared into the young girl's unreadable eyes.
"No, your payment went through," she said. "I'm here to collect Number Five."
Zinan's usual bright smile disappeared. "You what?"
"Ka, Ka!" shouted Number Five, trying to stand on Ichiro's head.
"It would be best if you handed over the infant now. If we are forced to take him from you it won't be pretty."
"Who's we?" asked Zinan, glancing around. The crowd was thick, and the shadow man's presence would have easily been swallowed up, but if it was Kame he should have been able to pick her out. He thought about how it had only taken her five minutes to run to their house and back. How they still hadn't been able to catch up to her and the dread intensified. "Who are you?"
"Sakata Riyeko," said Sakata, raising her arms. "The infant, please."
Realisation dawned on Zinan. That's how he knew her! Kame had a picture of her in her bag with her name written in black marker on the back. When asked what it was about, Kame said that she had been given the picture so she 'wouldn't forget', whatever that was supposed to mean.
"You're friends with Kame?" asked Ichiro, raising an eyebrow.
"Best friends," corrected Sakata, taking the baby out of Zinan's unresisting arms and walking backwards.
"KA, KA!" shouted Number Five, pointing behind the brothers, his eyes sparkling.
The brothers gulped and turned around. Standing behind the counter of the Model Architects Society was Teiko's most prolific delinquent, the Demon of the First-String, and all-around menace, Tsukino Kame. And she was pointing a gun at them. Well, a paintball gun.
"Brothers," she greeted. "Any last words?"
"This is my favourite shirt," said Ichiro, scowling. He'd bought it with the money his father had given him after the last time he'd made him cry.
"Let's not do anything hasty now, little sister," said Zinan, raising his hands in surrender. He was fast enough. He might get hit with a couple of paintballs but at this distance he could easily disarm her.
"I'll kill you if you ruin this shirt," said Ichiro.
A menacing laugh reverberated from the depths of Kame's chest as she raised the gun and peered down the sight. Goldie McRiding Hood and the Munchkin Leader who had been cowering in the corner of the stall, leaped behind their model of Paris for cover.
"Hey, hey, let's just talk okay," said Zinan, inching forwards. "So you stole some of our stuff-"
"I took everything," said Kame. "Your clothes, your stupid shoe collection, your signed Tabuse Yuta basketball, your Harry Potter collection, those weird magazines about World War Two Ichi-nii collects because he thinks they make him look smart. I took it all."
Zinan grit his teeth, forcing the smile on his face. "There's no reason why we can't come to some sort of agreement. I promise that if you surrender now and give back all our stuff, including all the money you clearly stole from us, we'll be willing to forgive everything. Think it through Kame. You'll get a few shots in before we take you down and then I can't promise we won't accidentally kill you."
"I took Fluffy," said Kame.
There was a moment of silence as Zinan forgot to breathe. He clutched his chest. "You... wouldn't."
Kame reached into the swim club tote bag and retrieved a stuffed black dog. It had several patches where the fluff had leaked out and a red thread stitched into its ear to stop it from falling off. It was clearly very old and very loved.
Ichiro grabbed hold of Zinan as he lurched towards Kame.
"Calm yourself, brother," said Ichiro, struggling to restrain him.
"If you lay a hand on Fluffy's head-" barked Zinan.
"I'm gonna piss on it," said Kame.
Zinan gnashed his teeth. "YOU'RE DEAD!"
"You had to go for Fluffy, didn't you," said Ichiro, shaking his head. He released his brother.
Tsukino's eyes went wide as Zinan rocketed forward. There were several bangs as the gun went off. Zinan dodged the first two shots as he crossed the field, taking three to the chest and knocking him off balance. But that didn't stop him. Even as Kame fired her entire arsenal into him, Zinan kept coming, a multi-coloured monster speeding towards her.
Tossing the empty gun aside, Kame twisted out of the way as he pounced over the counter and scrambled out of the stall. Ichiro tried to block her escape, but she was too quick, climbing onto the adjacent stand and leaping from roof to roof.
Zinan quickly caught up, powered by something raw and animalistic as he chased after her on the rooftops with Ichiro following alongside on the ground. The stalls were just barely able to hold Kame's weight but as soon as Zinan leapt off them they collapsed. Screams sounded as terrified students fled from the scene.
Kame reached the end of the row. With an astonishing feat of power, she sprung off the last stall, clearing six meters, and rolled into her landing before immediately launching back into a run without breaking stride. Joining Ichiro on the ground, Zinan chased after her as she sped towards the first-string gymnasium.
Horrified screams sounded, the crowd scrambling to get out of the way as the three siblings barrelled towards them.
Crashing through the gym's double doors, Kame skidded across the court until she was standing beneath the basketball hoop. Panting desperately, she grabbed the first thing she could find, which just so happened to be her prized sweat mop and held it threateningly in front of her.
Zinan and Ichiro walked slowly towards her, clearly more out of breath than she was. They had after all expended every ounce of energy they had to keep up with her. Kame always had been fast, having been forced to run from her brothers from such a young age, and in the last couple of years they rarely gave chase, relying instead on sneak tactics to capture her, but now she was on a whole new level. If Zinan hadn't been so blinded by rage, he would have been impressed.
"Ahahaha, nowhere to go now, Almighty Midget Middle Child," said Zinan, his beatific smile warped into something resembling Kame's demented grin. "Now, I'll consider sparing your life if you give Fluffy back to me right now. You have five seconds."
While Zinan continued to walk towards Kame, Ichiro stopped, glancing around the gym. "Um, Zi."
"FIVE!" barked Zinan.
Shock widened Kame's eyes.
"FOUR!"
"You should really stop and take a look around, Zi."
"THREE!"
"Hey, hey, hey, Zi!"
"TWO!"
"Zinan, look!" shouted Ichiro, running forward and yanking his brother's arm.
"WHAT?" barked Zinan, looking round. The colour drained from his face.
Beaming from ear to ear, Kame twirled the mop handle, rested it behind her neck and yelled, "ONE!"
Earlier…
Kuroko's judgemental stare was probably the worst thing in existence. After bees of course. Aomine folded his arms across his chest and tried to appear indifferent under the phantom man's scrutiny.
"Tch, don't look at me like that. Why should I get involved in Tsukino's crap?" muttered Aomine, shifting awkwardly on his feet.
"As usual, Tsukino has brought this upon herself. The nerve of her to ask for our help now," Midorima said sternly, "… and after she already asked Akashi."
"Sounds like you're jealous that Tsukinocchi asked for Akashicchi's help instead of coming to you," Kise said slyly.
"Don't be ridiculous. I'm only worried about our vice-captain's reputation, which directly affects-"
"Look, Midochin is green with envy," said Murasakibara.
"That's the colour of my hair, idiot!"
"Kame-san isn't asking for your help, I am," said Kuroko. "She made it clear that she didn't want to get any of you involved in this."
Aomine looked uncomfortably away.
"Then why was Akashi involved?" demanded Midorima.
"I don't know," said Kuroko. "She claims she offered him sexual favours in exchange for his help. I suspect he agreed just to make her stop."
"She probably drew him pictures," muttered Aomine, recalling the graphic stick figure drawings she'd made depicting their wedding night. Her concept of anatomy was seriously disturbing.
Momoi stepped forwards, a determined look on her face. "I'll do it."
"Satsuki..." said Aomine.
"Don't Satsuki me, Aomine-kun," she said firmly. "Tell me what you need me to do, Tetsu."
"Fine, if you're so desperate I will also help," said Midorima. "But only because we did not get Tsukino a gift for her dance performance."
"Ugh, maybe if she sees me helping her she'll give my wallet back," said Kise, running his thumb over his broken titanium chain. He wouldn't be surprised if she'd used her massive teeth to chew through it. "I'm in."
Murasakibara said something inaudible between chewing his potato chips which everyone took to mean he would also help.
And then there was one.
To their horror, the Teiko's Tsukino Brothers had found themselves surrounded. Behind them stood Kise and Murasakibara, on either side of them Kuroko and Midorima, and finally emerging from the supply cupboard with a purposeful stride, Momoi came to stop beside Teiko's most prolific delinquent. She caught Kame's eye, gave her a nod, then peered through the sight of her paintball gun, pointing it squarely at Zinan's face. The others raised their guns.
"ONE!"
An explosion of colour filled the gymnasium as paint rained down upon the brothers. For what seemed like an eternity all that could be heard was the sound of gunfire and screaming, most of it from Kame who was jumping up and down underneath the hoop, cheering like she was an American at the Superbowl, which is apparently supposed to be a big deal. When it was all over and the paint had run out, which took a while since they all had extra ammo packs, they swiftly exited the scene, leaving Kame and the Tsukino brothers kneeling on the ground covered from head to toe in paint and no doubt bruises.
Walking passed them at a leisurely pace, Kame tossed the tote bag down on a small patch of clean floor. Then she left.
Outside, she took in a deep breath of fresh air. Was this was freedom tasted like, she wondered. Farted on since the tender age of four years old, it was supremely satisfying to know that her tormentors of the past ten years were lying in a giant puddle of paint licking their wounds. There had been small battles won over the years, trophies stolen, clothes shredded, beds peed on, but this had been the first time Kame had experienced a resounding victory over her older brothers. In that short forty-minute window, she'd managed to win the war-
Something clamped round her wrist. Her body went cold. She followed the multicoloured arm to the manic face glaring down at her.
"Any last words, sister?" hissed Zinan, his long curly hair matted to his face with pink and blue paint.
"I regret nothing," said Kame, glaring resolutely back at him.
A flicker of something strange went through Zinan's face, but before he could say anything there was a bang and his head snapped backwards. Kame spun round, a grin spreading across her face.
Aomine flung the gun to the ground and clawed at his hair. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, what have I done? Zinan-senpai- he's not dead is he?"
Overcome by glee, Kame threw herself at him. Zinan-senpai was forgotten as Aomine was forced to wrap his arms around her waist as they both crashed to the ground.
"Tsukino!"
"You shot him right in the face," said Kame. "You freaking knocked him out cold! I knew you liked me better!"
Aomine sat up, ready to scold her for being so reckless, but then he saw her face. Covered in sweat, face full of joy, eyes bright, her laughter reverberated against his chest. For a second he forgot where he was.
Then Kame crawled off him and picked up the gun.
"Oi," said Aomine, quickly snatching the gun from her.
"But I would also like to shoot him in the face."
"Tch, you're really gonna kill him if you carry on like that."
"I see no downside."
Aomine hooked his arm around her neck and dragged her away.
"Wait, wait, wait," said Kame, struggling to get free. "I need to clean up the gymnasium or the captain's gonna kill me. That was the deal."
"We've got you covered," said Aomine, pausing in front of the entrance.
Kame peered inside and saw Nakadan and Kira dragging Ichiro, who had decided to make the best of the situation and take a nap, off the court, while Sakata stood beneath the basketball net barking orders to a group of people made up of a mix of the first-string and the swim club. There were buckets of cleaning supplies lined up in front of them and as soon as Sakata was finished they each grabbed one and got to work. As Kame watched them, something in her chest tightened and she found that the words she desperately wanted to say wouldn't come out.
"Eh? Not like you to be lost for words," observed Aomine.
"Why?" she asked eventually, looking up at him in confusion. "Why are you all being so nice to me?"
Suddenly the last few weeks came into sharp focus for Aomine. Kame's acceptance of her role and responsibilities as the team's mascot, her willingness to follow the rules, her deference towards Akashi and Nijimura, it all made sense now. Leaning down, Aomine smacked his forehead against hers.
"Because we're your friends, idiot," he said, smirking. "And even though you're a giant pain in the ass... we're not going anywhere."
It took her a moment to process what he was saying, but when she finally did a smile split her face open. It was a new kind of smile, the kind reserved for watching your children walk up the aisle, the kind you kept safe in the depths of your heart for times like these. It happened again. Aomine forgot where he was.
Then she smacked her forehead back against his. "I cordially accept your marriage proposal."
Aomine's face fell. "That's not what's happening here, Tsukino."
"Where is my ring, Aomine?"
"In the bin. Want me to throw you in so you can have a look?"
"It better be from Tiffany's."
"It's from my butt."
Arguing all the way to the school gates, Aomine and Kame met up with the rest of the gang and together they left, and while his grip may have loosened, his arm stayed round Kame's shoulders the whole way home.
A polite knock sounded at the door. Using the cane her grandson had bought her, Kuroko Yasu pushed herself to her feet and walked over to the front door. She was not at all surprised to see the eldest Tsukino brothers standing at her doorstep. Covered from head to toe in paint so that their eyes were the only thing that showed through, they held their hands together imploringly in front of them.
"Baa-chan, please grant us passage into Homebase," the boys chorused.
Yasu shook her head. "You know the rules boys," she said. "Homebase is a neutral zone. While she's under this roof, Kame-chan is protected from the both of you, indefinitely."
"Yes, I completely understand, but would you be willing to make an exception?" asked Zinan. Though his ego was wounded and his beatific smile a little broken, he still managed charming. "As you can see, we really need to speak with our sweet little-"
"I'm sorry, Zi-chan, but it's a no."
Respectfully saying their goodbyes, the brothers limped away. They had always known it was going to be a longshot. They'd only been granted passage once a couple of years ago, right after Oshiro had told Kame she no longer wanted to be friends, and those had been especially exceptional circumstances.
As they were leaving, something came flying out of the air and smacked Zinan in the head. It was an empty juice box. Taking a deep breath, he craned his head back and saw Kame leaning over the balcony outside Kuroko's bedroom.
"You requested an audience with the queen," Kame said, waving her hand regally.
Kuroko appeared from his bedroom with two juice boxes. He handed one two Kame and then joined her in leaning over the balcony.
"Don't know why you're smiling, Kame," said Ichiro. "You've left your bedroom defenceless."
"Ah, you hideous potato," said Kame. "I have already moved all of my precious belongings to a secure storage location."
This had not been hard to do as the only two things Kame deemed precious were her quilt and her collection of Takeshi Kaneshiro DVDs, both of which she'd brought with her to Kuroko's house AKA the secure storage location. Since most of her clothes were hand-me-downs from Zinan the only person they would succeed in pissing off by tampering with them would be their father.
"You can't stay in there forever," said Ichiro. "You're going to have to come out sometimes."
"Actually, Ichi-nii, I don't," said Kame. "Not for summer vacation at least. And who knows, maybe the Kurokos will adopt me."
"We won't," said Kuroko.
"Longest you've ever lasted in Homebase is one week," said Ichiro. "Soon as they find out you never shower the Kurokos are gonna kick you out on the street."
"Hah! I shower twice a week now."
"Please don't say that like it's an achievement, Kame-san," said Kuroko.
"So I'm really interested to know," said Zinan, "how you managed to plan all of this off. I mean there's no way you could have known for sure that Ichi-nii and I would show up to the festival together."
"Oh, that was easy," said Kame. "Nijimura was in on it."
"Hah, as if I would believe that," scoffed Zinan. "Shu-chan worships me."
"So does Aomine," said Kame, sniggering. "But he still shot you in the freaking face!"
Zinan's shook his head slowly. "There's no way Shu-chan would do that. I'm the one who recommended him to the coach for the captaincy. I'm his mentor-"
"Why else do you think Nijimura kept calling you and boasting about what a good demon I was and going on about how nice it would be if the whole family could come and support me?"
Zinan blinked, genuine surprise on his face. "No, I mean... no, Shu-chan... he worships me."
"Maybe," said Kame, "but that sadist has been waiting for a chance to teach you a lesson for all those times you skived on cleaning duty back when you were in third year. By the way do mama and papa know how much school you missed?"
Ichiro glanced at his brother who remained unaffected. He knew that Zinan didn't want their little sister to know why he had spent most of his third year of middle school playing truant so on this rare occasion he kept his mouth shut.
"Also, he hates it when you call him Shu-chan," said Kame.
"But Shu-chan loves that nickname," said Zinan.
"He also hates your beatific smile."
"Now you're just being hurtful."
"You're so ugly that Ugly is offended by you."
"Well, wasn't this delightful. But we must be off. Lots of showering to do," Zinan said dryly, peeling some paint off his face. "Sleep with one eye open, Almighty Midget Child. Your days are numbered."
"Careful who you threaten, Zi-nii, wouldn't want me to accidentally set fire to The Prisoner of Azkaban."
Eye twitching, Zinan turned to leave. Kame noticed that her swim club tote bag was hanging off his shoulder, no doubt with Fluffy still tucked safely inside.
"Hey Zi-nii," called Kame. He cocked his head back, "what's so special about that stupid dog anyway?"
"What?" said Ichiro, raising his eyebrows. "Don't you remember, when you were three you-"
"BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!" yelled Zinan, clapping his hand over his brother's mouth. "It was really lovely seeing you both, goodbye now."
Once they'd left, Kame turned to Kuroko. "Dibs on the bed."
Kuroko took a long, loud slurp of his juice box.
"Tetsu-"
"No."
Curled up on the futon at the foot of Kuroko's bed, Kame took out her phone and scrolled down until she reached the all black Air Jordans. Selecting the size 29.5 option from the drop-down menu, she added it to her cart, which came to a total of 32,000 yen, put in her card details happy in the knowledge that her bank account would by now have at least seventy thousand in it, and ordered the trainers. Then she pocketed her phone, slipped off the futon, and stealthily crawled into bed beside Kuroko.
Who immediately kicked her back off.
Author's Note:
Due to how quickly this chapter has been written it will likely be edited in the future. However, I knew that if I didn't update it now I would have just let it sit in my documents for another month! So apologies if this one is less polished than the others.
Let me guys know what you think. Has anyone figured out how Kame got so much fast? Is she faster than Aomine? :O Honestly, I have yet to decide on that one. Usually I write and the characters decide for themselves if that makes sense. Like this chapter was originally envisaged completely differently, without the GoM being involved at all in the Boss Battle as it were. And I only just came up with the ending about twenty minutes ago.
Another question: Lots of y'all got mad love for Zinan. You still got mad love? He's a really interesting character to write, I found, so it would be good to hear what you all think.
Someone also asked whether or not we would find out why Kame is the way she is and I assure you that will definitely be the case. While I do like to reveal my character motivations slowly, they do still get revealed.
Anyway thanks for reading. Y'all are stars.