Dallas, Texas

Placing the bouquet of yellow roses beside a few other floral arrangements on the table in her hospital room, JR greeted his wife, kissing her forehead before asking her how she was feeling.

"Terrible", answering him, her honesty was expected, but still shocking.

"Should I get the doctor?" ready to call for help if that's what she required, he hesitated when she shook her head.

"No, no. Physically I feel about as good as I suppose anyone does after being hit by a car, what's plaguing me is more than that", looking up at him, her expressive eyes displayed sadness, a sadness he couldn't easily fix.

"I know it's hard to accept", sitting down on the side of her bed, he took her hand in his and spoke, trying to sound comforting but sure he sounded anything but. Naturally, he expected she wouldn't feel well, it still hadn't been a full twenty-four hours since she'd been injured, but he was far more prepared to help her deal with healing physically than emotionally. He could pay for all the medical care she required to nurse her back to a healthy physical state, but no amount of money could change the past, he couldn't turn the clock back to the moment before she miscarried to stop it happening.

Looking down at their joined hands, she murmured a few words, "I feel guilty, like I put it out there that I didn't want another baby right now and then it happened".

Feeling like he'd been hit himself as she told him how she felt, he whispered his response, "oh Sue Ellen, you know it's not your fault, it was an accident". He wanted to sound strong, but she'd caught him off guard and he could honestly say he wasn't prepared for the thoughts that were going through her head.

Looking up at him as she reaching for a tissue, it was clear from her shaky voice and watery eyes that she was on the verge of tears, "I know, but it feels like I'm being punished for feeling the way I felt before it happened. Now I have to live with the consequences of those feelings, knowing that despite everything I said about not wanting another baby, I didn't want things to end this way, I didn't want the postponement of motherhood for a second time to come at the expense of a second baby".

Lifting her chin with his finger, he held eye contact with her through the tears threatening to spill over onto her cheeks, "darlin', you can't think like that, you can't punish yourself for a random action, something that could have happened to anyone. What happened was an accident, it could have been Jenna lying here and it wouldn't have been your fault or hers".

Shaking her head again, she refused to let his rational thoughts sway her emotions, "the consequences wouldn't have been the same though".

Considering for a moment that she was right, that if it had been Jenna who'd been hit there wouldn't have been a miscarriage, or at least not Sue Ellen's miscarriage, he was quick to realise that thinking the way she did didn't help anything. "No, they wouldn't have, but you can't take responsibility for something that you couldn't have changed".

Dabbing her eyes, her tone of voice matched her shaky hand as she spoke again, "I don't know whether that's true though. I felt sick at lunch and Jenna picked it straight away that I was pregnant. I didn't believe her, and now it's too late and I have so much going through my mind".

Accepting that she was emotional and emotions didn't always make sense, he was delicate with her, "it's grief darlin', it's perfectly natural".

Looking directly at him, this time it was clear what she was really upset about, and it wasn't just that she felt like what had happened was her fault. "It's more than grief; it's a terrible curiosity about a future we'll never have. I want to know when it happened, when I would have found out otherwise, how I would have felt knowing Jenna was right, how we would have handled it and whether we were set to have two sons or a son and a daughter. I want to know all of the things that would have happened had I not stepped out into the road at the time I did, but I never will, because I did, and this has happened".

"I know you're curious, I am too, but that sort of thinking isn't good for you". Listening to her concerns, he couldn't say he didn't understand where she was coming from; he'd had a difficult time sleeping alone at home, not just because he was used to having her next to him, but also because he'd had thoughts of his own that mirrored hers. What he knew too though was fantasising about a future that didn't currently exist was not a healthy or helpful approach to dealing with their situation. They weren't childless, they had John Ross and they had each other, they could look to the future soon if they wanted to, but dwelling on the future that had been taken away from them did no one any good.

Holding eye contact with him, still visibly on the verge of tears, she followed her questions up with answers, answers that showed how deeply she'd been thinking about what had happened. "No, it's not, it adds to my guilt because the answer is I have no idea how or when, my best bet is one of our recent weekends away, you know as well as I do that clocks and schedules tend to get left behind at home, but I never imagined the occasional missed pill would really matter. What I do know is after our vacation discussion I'm not sure I would have welcomed the news if this hadn't happened, but now that it has I feel horrible for thinking that and I'd give anything to not have been through this. I didn't think I wanted another baby yet, but now that I've lost one I couldn't feel more differently".

Unsurprised by the direction of some of her thoughts after hearing her preface them earlier, there was one thing that surprised him, "you want more children?"

Nodding, she cracked a small smile as she replied, "yes".

Genuinely surprised, because she'd just a moment ago referenced their previous discussion about the topic of more children, in which she had specifically told him she didn't think she was ready to start trying again and they'd agreed to wait until after John Ross' birthday to discuss it again, he wondered what exactly had made her change her mind. Unfortunately, he didn't get to ask, because at that moment he heard another man's voice and turned around to see a doctor closing the door behind him, "Mrs Ewing, Mr Ewing. How are you feeling today?"

"Better", giving the doctor a different answer to the same question he'd previously asked, Sue Ellen appeared a little more upbeat, though still reasonably fragile as her watery eyes and shaky hands remained.

"That's positive news; your tests appear to reflect the same too. I would however like to keep you in for a few days, just to be safe", delivering news he actually wanted to hear, JR had no problem with the doctor's comments, in his opinion it was far too soon to be thinking about sending Sue Ellen home and he was glad that no one was suggesting that.

"I didn't keep my baby safe", murmuring a few words to herself, it was clear Sue Ellen's words were meant more for herself when she returned to normal volume and addressed the doctor with a question of her own, "doctor, was there any permanent damage?"

Smiling friendlily, the doctor's comments were reassuring for both of them to hear, "no, none. You'll experience some bleeding and cramping in the coming days, perhaps weeks, and you may find you can feel a difference in your hormone levels, but those are very normal experiences and not something to worry about long-term. At this point your superficial wounds are probably what will physically hurt the most and even those, while they might not look pretty, will eventually heal".

"So we'll be able to have more children?" asking the question without specifying a timeline, Sue Ellen sounded hopeful.

"Based on the information I have, yes", delivering positive news, the doctor attached no timeline to his answer either.

Appearing relieved, it was obvious too from her next comment that she was still cautious, "it took a long time to have our son, but this pregnancy happened suddenly and was unexpected to say the least. How does that happen? When did it happen? Why now?"

Listening to her concerns, the doctor seemed sympathetic to her situation, but JR sensed that like him, he couldn't give Sue Ellen all of the answers she wanted, what he could and did do though was answer what he could. "All pregnancies are different, from timing to conditions and circumstances, it's a science but in this case it's difficult to say what led to your pregnancy because it was suspected prior to your arrival at hospital that the trauma from the accident had induced a pregnancy loss and those suspicions were confirmed and acted on upon your admission. I'm sorry I can't give you a more thorough answer, but we cannot accurately backdate to conception based on dropping hCG levels. You can rest assured though that after looking closely at your medical records I see no reason why you wouldn't be able to conceive in the future if you so wished to".

Listening himself, JR felt his own emotions going up and down and could only imagine how his wife felt, though when she spoke and the first thing she started to ask was about what the doctor meant when he talked about the future, he had to stop her. "Darlin', I think the doc is trying to say you should rest and recuperate before we start trying again".

He was open to the idea of more children but he saw no reason to rush into it, he did however have an idea of why she felt more comfortable with the idea now and why she seemed so eager to push forward with it. Her biggest hesitation when it came to starting to try again had been that she hadn't been prepared for the emotional pain of months of not conceiving when they were actively trying, but seeing as she'd managed to conceive almost accidentally this time, it had given her confidence. Coupling that confidence with her guilt related to her most recent pregnancy and subsequent loss and general emotional state, he understood why she was saying what she was, even if he didn't necessarily agree with her.

"You're right. Thank you doctor", looking at him and then at the doctor, Sue Ellen didn't push the subject any further.

"You're welcome", accepting her word the doctor followed Sue Ellen's lead and said no more about the future, instead focusing on her present health, which was just as important.

To be continued…