Dallas, Texas

"I don't think it's as simple as you're trying to convince yourself it is. Firstly, you experienced a traumatic experience in being hit by a car to begin with, that's an event in itself, secondly there is the subsequent miscarriage, another event in itself, then on top of being physically and emotionally distressed you're carrying what you describe as guilt, which is a very heavy word to use for something that wasn't your fault". Watching him set his notes aside to look at her as he spoke, Sue Ellen admired the way Doctor Williams always managed to summarise the situation she was dealing with even when she was sure her ramblings didn't make sense.

Appreciating his perspective on the situation, she felt he was compassionate with her but also firm, and although that compassion did help, it didn't absolve her of her feelings, feelings that had been weighing on her for over a week now. "That's just it; it feels like it was my fault. I said I didn't want another baby yet without knowing that it wasn't a hypothetical situation anymore, so then when it happened, whatever happiness might have been coming my way was ripped out from under me and replaced with heartache and guilt".

Listening to her as she stated her feelings, the firmness she admired came through in his reply to her, reminding her of exactly how things actually were, which was different to how she saw them emotionally. "Sue Ellen, do you understand that what happened to you wasn't deliberate? It was chance, an accident. The driver didn't see you and you didn't see him until it was too late, you weren't pushed, you didn't walk out in front of him asking to be hit and he didn't drive aiming to hit you. What happened to you isn't anyone's fault and you can't blame yourself for it, especially not because you think you deserved it for stating your preference, a preference which is perfectly valid".

"Is it though? Am I not ungrateful having the ability to have children but choosing not to?" asking one of the many questions that had been nagging at her since the accident, her mind raced, full of thoughts of that very thing.

"Do you think you're ungrateful?" repeating her own question back to her, her thought at that point was simply that for every answer he provided her with, she was left with just as many questions.

"I don't know, maybe", taking a sip of her water, she admitted she wasn't sure what she thought. She had questioned the situation, but she couldn't say one way or the other that she felt ungrateful, just that she knew she felt guilty and responsible for what had happened.

"Really? Why?" doing it again, he turned her own question back on her.

"Because, like I said, I can have children but I chose not to have a second baby. There are women who wish they had that choice", thinking mostly of women like Anna, but also of her past self, she couldn't help but feel as if it was selfish to know she could physically carry a baby but chose to purposely prevent it from happening, and for that selfishness she was being punished.

Doctor Williams on the other hand, didn't seem to think anything of the sort, posing the question, "so how does the miscarriage fit into those thoughts?" to her. "You didn't cause that to happen, you didn't ask for it. It happened and it's horrible to think about, but guilt and ungratefulness aren't things I'd think should factor into it".

"You don't understand, it might not make sense to you but it's how I feel. I feel like I'm being punished for my previous attitude, punished in the worst way", answering his question, she was sure he'd have something to say about her emotional state of mind.

"Sue Ellen, do you remember what we talked about a while back? About our feelings being valid?" asking her to cast her mind back to their countless previous sessions, he didn't directly address her comments, but she knew what he was getting at.

"Yes", confirming she remembered, she said nothing else.

"I'd like to remind you then that you're allowed to change your mind and still have a valid opinion. Your thoughts before this happened were just as valid as your thoughts now are. You were entitled to take control of your future, to participate in a conversation with your husband about your shared family, and you're entitled to change your mind, or not. You experienced something awful and that's going to take some time to heal from, but you can't blame previous or current feelings for what happened, they're not related. What happened in the past is only the past now, when it was happening it was the present and you had no idea what the future held or how you would feel". Absolving her of responsibility for what had happened, his comments were meant to be comforting, though she still couldn't allow herself to completely embrace that comfort.

"So, what? I shouldn't feel like I willed my baby out of existence?" nodding, she could admit she understood that what he meant was simply that she was allowed to feel whatever way she did, but that didn't exactly stop her from dwelling on things.

Shaking his head, he appeared disappointed that she was even asking such a question, though to his credit he didn't actually say he was disappointed, replying in a firm tone, "certainly not if that's how you're going to word it, that's beyond feeling guilty and like you're to blame".

"I know, it's heavy", able to see the situation from a rational perspective, that it wasn't the most logical conclusion to come to, she simply couldn't shake the emotional weight the situation had put on her shoulders.

"It's emotive", summarising it with his own word, he wasn't wrong.

"I'm emotional", sighing, she felt helpless. She was tired, sad and unable to find a moment of peace because with every movement she made came physical pain, physical pain that reminded her of her emotional pain.

"I know, and I empathise. You're in the early days of recovery, so it's not surprising that you feel that way", understanding of her situation, she wasn't sure he really could empathise, surely no man could, not really.

Feeling like she wanted to cry again, she blinked a few times to postpone her tears; she could cry as much as she wanted to but it wouldn't change the past.

"JR, do you have anything to say?" looking between the two of them, Doctor Williams addressed JR, either because he wasn't sure what else to say, or because he'd noticed JR had been very quiet since they'd arrived.

"Yes, I don't think you did anything wrong, you were unlucky, you didn't ask for it to happen and you didn't make it happen. I'm not just saying that either, I know you don't remember much but the eyewitnesses all indicate it was a tragic accident", telling her what he'd told her so many times before, she wanted so much to believe him, but her emotions continued to drag her down.

"Do you blame me?" putting the question to him, she already knew what he was going to say in response, she just wished she could learn how to accept it as the truth.

"No, of course not", telling her exactly what he'd told her so many times before, he seemed just as sure of his answer this time as he had previously.

"Then why don't you want to try for another baby?" unable to blink back her tears any longer, her vision of JR blurred as she asked him one of the other questions that had been weighing on her mind. He had seemed keen to have a second baby when they were in the Caribbean, but now that they were back, he was hesitant, and she had to assume that that was because of what had happened.

Pulling a handkerchief out of his pocket, he handed it to her to dry her eyes, doing his best to ease her mind. "Whoa, let's slow down there. I never said I didn't want to try, I simply said I didn't think now was the time to have that discussion. You're fresh out of the hospital, I think we should take some time to breathe, you need time to heal, not just from the cuts and bruises but from this whole experience, which you said yourself is making you emotional".

Dabbing her tears, her vision remained blurred as she murmured, "a baby might heal this hole in my heart". The truth was, she didn't know whether having another baby now would make her feel better but she imagined it would come close to helping simply because if it hurt this much to lose a pregnancy, then to repeat the experience with a more positive outcome would surely have the opposite effect.

"What about John Ross?" sounding a little confused, he asked what she knew was a genuinely well-intentioned question.

"John Ross is my first baby; the place he holds in my heart isn't going anywhere", smiling at the thought of their son, she could see where he was coming from; she loved and adored John Ross and up until recently had thought perhaps he was all she needed and wanted, but now, now things were different.

"So you want to fill the hole left by the miscarriage with another baby?" repeating back to her what he understood her thoughts to be, he told her none of his own thoughts, though she knew what they were. Over the past week he'd made no secret of the fact that he didn't think immediately changing their plans was the solution, she wasn't so sure though.

"Yes and no. I didn't know there was something missing until now", honest in her explanation, she was sure her confusion was evident. She didn't know whether it would make her feel better to have another baby, but doing something had to be better than nothing.

"I believe you. I think I want more children, but I think we should wait. I don't want us to rush into anything", agreeing that perhaps their family wasn't complete with just John Ross, his demeanour told her he wasn't exactly in a rush to change things, though that wasn't a surprise. He'd never said anything about moving things along quicker than they were going, not before the accident or after it, in fact, he'd always been hesitant about rushing things, mostly because he didn't want to ruin the good thing they had going, that is, being a happy family of three. She'd had her doubts about a second pregnancy for reasons of not knowing whether she could cope with the emotions of trying and failing to conceive for months on end, but things were different now, she'd managed to conceive without even trying, and with that came a different perspective about her fertility.

"We wouldn't have called it rushing if I'd have found out I was pregnant with the baby I miscarried", not convinced his delay was necessary, she attempted to convince him with a brief glimpse into the future she'd imagined if she hadn't been hit by a car.

Frowning, it was clear he was doubtful that her fantasy version of the future actually reflected reality, and he told her so. "Are you sure about that? I think if you hadn't miscarried and had found out on a normal schedule that you were expecting we'd have been sitting right here, having a different conversation, filled with different anxieties".

Sinking down in her chair as she listened to his version of what would have happened had things developed differently, she felt deflated. He wasn't wrong; she liked surprises, she really did, but a baby was a big surprise and she couldn't guarantee the confirmation of Jenna's guess would have been met with absolute positivity and no anxiety. She wanted a baby now, but as Doctor Williams had tried to emphasise earlier, it was just as acceptable for her to have been uncertain about that topic before, she was human and she was allowed to change her mind.

Looking at Doctor Williams, he met her helplessness with an empathetic nod and a smile. "Only you and JR know whether what he's saying is true, but if you're asking me, I think the situation is more complicated than you want to believe it is. We're having two different discussions here, on one hand you're mourning the loss of what could have been and trying to come to terms with what you think your part in that was, and on the other hand you're wanting to move past it on an accelerated timeline. I don't think either approach is healthy, I think you need time to heal, but I can't push you to do one thing or another, how you move forward is up to you".

Taking another sip of water, she looked between her husband and their therapist, then addressed them both, "you're right, and JR's right. It would have terrified me finding out I was unexpectedly pregnant again, but we would have dealt with it and we would have done our best".

Smiling at her, looking relieved, JR was just as gentle and encouraging in his response, without changing much about his position at all, "we still can, I just think we should wait. Why don't we keep to the original plan, we can seriously reconsider it after John Ross' birthday".

Running her finger around the rim of her glass, she thought about his suggestion. John Ross' birthday was in just over a month, which really wasn't that far away, and in all seriousness, her desire for a baby at present wasn't exactly realistic considering her physical state, so perhaps waiting just a little while was a good idea.

"I'll be very careful this time", meeting JR's eye again, she smiled shyly. Emotions were a funny thing, one moment she felt completely down and the next moment she felt optimistic again. She had desperately wanted John Ross and all had turned out well with him, she hadn't had that same desire with her second pregnancy and things hadn't gone so well, but she was in a different state of mind now, she wanted a third pregnancy and would do everything in her power to ensure it developed positively.

"It wasn't your fault", reiterating again that he didn't blame her for what had happened, JR's support was comforting.

"I know, just for my peace of mind", setting her drink aside, she patted his hand lightly. He probably had no idea what went on in her head, but he listened and did his best to support her, an effort she appreciated.

"If that helps", smiling, he squeezed her hand encouragingly.

"It does", unable to explain exactly what her train of thought was, she was glad he didn't ask her to, simply responding, "good", and leaving it at that. She wasn't feeling completely better, she wasn't sure she would ever really feel completely better, but she did have a different perspective on things now and that was enough to keep her moving forward, starting with trying to see what everyone else did, trying to understand that as guilty as she felt, no one else was using that word.

To be continued…